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- Personality Disorders
Stop Wasting Time on The Narcissist
Narcissistic abuse is very traumatic. It's confusing. It's gut-wrenching. Many people have never experienced this type of person before and they don't understand. This person seems mentally ill sometimes, and other times perfectly fine. One minute they are having a normal conversation with you and the next they are hysterical over something that didn't even happen. No amount of reasoning, logic or explanation gets through to them. They say things that are totally off the wall, completely out of reality. So you might think, "OK, something is obviously really wrong here. Normal people don't act like this." So you start looking for answers. Hey, if something has a name, that must mean it can be fixed, right? You love this person and they are obviously having some kind of horrible problem. So you search for answers. And maybe you find some. But it doesn't change anything. No matter what you do - or don't do - this person still behaves the same way. Nothing gets better. Nothing improves.
At this point, people's lives usually become a battle to try and make the narcissist understand they have a problem and force them to get help, which will not work, or they leave the situation because they realize there is nothing that can be done. Those who do not leave need to be honest with themselves about why they are willing to sacrifice their well-being for someone who not only doesn't care about them, but doesn't even care about themselves either. The narcissist's health and well-being means more to you than it does to them. There is no way to help someone like that. There's nothing you can do. Acceptance of this is very important. It prevents you from wasting time trying.
Regardless of whether people leave the situation or stay, most try to understand what's happened. Understanding what has happened to you is very important. It's the reason I do this show. When people cannot understand what's happened, they cannot move on. If they cannot move on, they can't heal. When someone can't heal from abuse, they are still a victim. A victim is vulnerable. They may become involved in another abusive situation more easily than someone who has learned the lessons they needed to learn and healed. So understanding what has happened is very important. Understanding what happened should only be a step in the direction of moving on, though. It should not be the whole goal. Searching for answers should only be done until the answer has been found. If it goes on longer, it starts to be less helpful.
Sometimes people think they are looking for answers when really what they are doing is looking for something that proves the answer wrong because they are trying to hold on to hope. This is very common, but it's something that only drags everything out longer, because the answer is not going to change. You are dealing with a broken person. There's no happy ending here. You can choose to keep dealing with them if you wish. That's entirely up to you. There is no law against it, and it's your life. However, they are not just going to snap out of it. There is no video you can watch, no magic formula that can be given and no pill prescribed that can make this person something other than what they are. That's hard for some people to hear and there is no one who wishes it weren't true more than I do. But ignoring reality doesn't change anything. We often see people saying things like, "Well, these techniques like NO J.A.D.E. and GREY ROCK don't work! The narcissist is still abusive!" That's right, they are. And they always will be. There's nothing you can do about that. The techniques are for you, not the narcissist. Nothing can make them not abusive, and the sooner people accept that, the less disappointed and hurt they will be in the long run. Don't waste your time searching for a magic pill to cure the narcissist's problem. There isn't one. Not at this time and maybe never.
Revenge is another thing that people might become preoccupied with, and that is a total waste of time. Anything you do to them is only rewarding them with attention. You can't hurt them that way because they don't care about you. You're just letting them know that they are still taking up space in your head, that they are still important to you and that they are still affecting you. Hate is in this same category. Many people think it hurts the narcissist to let them know they are hated. They already thought that. It makes no difference.
Now, both of these things are normal, understandable and expected. Of course you hate someone who has hurt you, and of course you'd like to get revenge on them for the awful things they've done. You could even say they deserve it, and you'll get no argument from me. But in the end it's a waste of time. The only person it affects is you. They are so wrapped in the cocoon of their own self-absorbed emotions that no one can touch them. Not with love, not with hate, not with anything. You might as well be plotting revenge against a robot, or a table and chairs for all it would matter. Don't waste your time. It's not worth it. The best revenge is moving on and not looking back. Ironically, that's the only thing that may have a chance of actually hurting them. Not mattering is their greatest fear, and it is a huge blow to their ego.
Life is short, sometimes very short. Time and love are two of the most valuable gifts that we have been given, perhaps the only ones that matter. Don't waste them on people or things that don't bring you happiness.