Sudden death of a loved one
I really don't know how to even write about this.Its about one of the most difficult experiences of life and it took me years to get over the death of my younger brother.
The day is so clear in my head I can recall it like a movie playing out.It was 10 in morning and I was teaching at a college.As soon as I came out of the classroom I saw missed calls from my youngest sister.I called her back she says"He has got panic attack ,come soon to hospital".But her voice was shivering I knew it was more than panic attack.But how can he get panic attack he is only 28 years old,hale and hearty.
I dont know why but deep inside i knew it was something more.As soon as I reached hospital my sister told me he is no more.I mean how could that happen I just spoke to him a day earlier he was fine.
He had collapsed in morning by the time he was taken to hospital he was declared dead.It was sudden cardiac arrest.
I had seen my mother collapse 16 years back leading to sudden death.This time it was my baby brother.I dont know why again destiny got me back to square one.I had so much anger towards life,I didnt want to do anything.I just stopped my work I wanted a break,basically I myself wanted to die with him.
- How Is Sudden Cardiac Arrest Diagnosed? - NHLBI, NIH
Sudden cardiac arrest (SCA) is a condition in which the heart suddenly and unexpectedly stops beating. If this happens, blood stops flowing to the brain and other vital organs.
Coping with grief
Being spiritually inclined on intellectual level I accepted that death is fact of life.If there is life death is inevitable . As per Hinduism death means change of body for the soul.You are reborn ,so on spiritual level there is no death of soul,just the body .
Being spiritual did help that I could hold myself and not have a nervous brekadown Emotionally I was a wreck.I visited his home next day his bed was still unmade ,his clothes lying around,as if he was still there he will just come in room and say "hi".Its so strange all his belongings are there but he was not there.I had just met him a day before he died he was there physically and now he is not here.
How can that happen ,now he is just a memory.One morning he just stopped existing,I can never touch him,hug him,hear him cracking jokes,make me feel at ease in difficult situations with his happy go lucky attitude.
I couldn't even say bye to him.But I could see that sun was rising ,so life around me was going on as usual.I just wanted all of it to just stop.Why couldn't time stop,why couldn't the sun stop rising.Then off course you always come across insensitive people who just came to funeral to watch a show .But I had equally good support system in form of my friends rather than relatives.
For few months everything was blank ,nothing mattered.I didn't want to meet anyone ,I could not concentrate on anything.But I gave myself time,I let my feelings be,I had to grieve .I was done being tough one since my mother's death.
I live life by faith in God and this once incident shook my faith.I lost my positive outlook towards life.I felt as if my life is just not in my control ,things are just happening.
Its been three years now ,I still grieve but I started my work again.The pain will never go but with time intensity is less.I keep praying asking god for strength to be what I was .