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Struggling with an Obstinate Personality

Updated on March 19, 2011

It Is About Me!!

I am having a tough time with myself here lately. I am struggling with an obstinate personality. That is what I have named it. The older I get the more I am able to see this and I have been trying to analyze myself to figure out how to improve it. Surely the cause is something deeply rooted in my childhood. Was it because I was an ugly duckling? Or because I was a middle child (6th of 8) and not my parent's favorite? Is it because I am predestined to be bullheaded being born a Taurus? Is it because I think I am 'all that' and don't need to improve myself?

I am an educated person, able to intelligently consider topics to analyze, and at times criticize myself. As I age I am really starting to realize how this obstinate behavior is negatively affecting me and I need to find a way to help myself.

Here are my examples:

  • Smoking cigarettes – I work in long term health care. Surely I see first hand what horrendous damage smoking can do to a human body. Knowing of the disease and debility it can cause should be enough to make me to quit, but I haven't. Aside from what I know from work, I have researched the topic for one of my other hubs. I have been smoking for 36 years now and I am feeling it every bit. I have high blood pressure, I get short of breath, can't do steps well, my circulation is getting worse, I really shouldn't afford it, and it takes me three to four weeks to get over a common cold. I know how bad it is, but just can't find the 'off button' in my brain! The harder I try to psych myself to quit the more I smoke!

  • Overweight – Well, I am not obese, just about 40 lbs above my ideal body weight of 150 lbs. I want to lose weight, but same as most people, cannot stick to any diet. The more I tell myself I need to stop eating so much the more I find to stuff my face!

  • Salvation – I grew up in the church. Got away from it in my teens. The teachings and love felt from it have always stayed with me, but I wanted to party so I buried it all in the back of my mind. Now that I am 52 years old and realizing that certainly my life is more than half over I need to get with the program, I don't want to go to Hell. Three of my four living sisters are deeply involved in their spiritual callings and I am feeling it more and more because I do know it is right. But this stubbornness will not let me go there, despite my daily prayers for God to help me. The more I think towards it the more I restrain myself from it!

  • Procrastinating – Oh geez, my house is a mess! I have too many clothes because I am terrible at throwing away items I don't wear or may need sometime in the future. Unsorted and mixed up papers, catalogs – boxes and bags everywhere, even under my bed! Hoarding stuff intended to sell on Ebay – boxes and bags of stuff. Laundry, dishes, unfinished projects, and more. Always late to events – like at this current time of 2:55pm I am writing this, but I am supposed to be at my son's for dinner at 4:00pm and I have been sitting on the computer since 11:15am, I am still in my pajamas, needing to shower and wash my hair and get dressed! Always late to work – which is only 8 minutes away from home, and my office is a disorganized mess, always barely meeting my deadlines, and even not finishing some work! My car is a traveling trash can. Bill payments are late getting paid even when I do have the money to pay them. I just don't want to spend my money. I keep saying I'll clean it, I'll fix it, I'll do this and I'll do that and just don't get around to anything timely and the list of things I need to do just keeps getting longer!

Well, after researching obstinate behavior I think I found a diagnosis that describes my problems. It is Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (not to be confused with Obsessive-compulsive disorder - I'm not at that level!). But Wow! I was floored at the list of symptoms...most were right on target. Maybe this is why I am divorced three times! So now that I have diagnosed myself I will research how I am going to treat myself... certainly if that doesn't work I will use professional help!! (Oh geez, there goes another obvious symptom!)


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    • GoGranny profile image

      GoGranny 4 years ago from Southeastern PA

      Thanks for your comment! Yes it is a constant struggle. And I do the same thing with notebooks, that's funny!

    • Richawriter profile image

      Richard J ONeill 4 years ago from Bangkok, Thailand

      Hey there,

      ha, I chose funny for this because hey, you've gotta laugh at us people and our unwillingness or unableness (new word alert!) to change for the better.

      I'm okay with the smoking but I'm like you in that no matter how hard I try or seem to I'm always late, I hoard stuff, I buy notebooks and half fill them before stopping and going on to another later on, my place is filled with half-filled notebooks!!!

      But hey, at least you aren't getting yourself too down about it. Life's too short as they say. You've learned and are learning, and that's what life is for.

      Thanks and I voted this funny because it made me smile at the end.


    • truthfornow profile image

      truthfornow 6 years ago from New Orleans, LA

      Ha. I like that you are able to make fun of yourself. Great read!

    • profile image

      prajakta 6 years ago

      just beleive that what ever u do god is with u . begin to trust him .its never too late . just pray to the deepest trust and it will come to u . keep praying that u will do the best for ur self. u may fail a hundred times but u will not give up . all of us will pray for ur enrichment . am there with u . go ahead and conquer ur deepest fears

    • mslizzee profile image

      elizabeth 6 years ago from Buncombe County, NC

      GoGranny you have maintained a sense of humor and are able to laugh at yourself. That's important. Just tackle one thing at a time, like reduce your smoking by one or two cigarettes per day and stop being SO HARD ON YOURSELF.

    • GoGranny profile image

      GoGranny 6 years ago from Southeastern PA

      Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself! Thanks for your comment cathylynn99.

    • cathylynn99 profile image

      cathylynn99 6 years ago from northeastern US

      a little obsessive compulsive personality(trait, not disorder)is good leavening for a professional personality, allowing for delayed gratification to get a greater long-term reward. you can use this to your advantage.