- Death & Loss of Life
What went through my mind the second I decided to attempt suicide
This year was a rough year for me, emotionally. After two years of being on medication and going to endless therapy sessions every week, I finally got a diagnosis. I finally found something that described what I went through and what I felt; Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. These are the three diagnoses that I carry with me and have carried with me basically all my life. This year however, things got so bad that on May 22 at 19:14, I attempted to kill myself.
I was seventeen years old. I had just finished my exams that would determine whether I went to university or not. At that point I didn’t really care anymore, I was just doing my best to pass for my parents. I knew that my education meant a lot to them and I did not want to disappoint them, and so I tried my best to pass my exams, which I did, but that’s not the point of this article. The day I finished my last exam, an English exam it was, my dad picked me up from my examination venue. I remember that I had seen my friends at a bar next to the venue drinking beer, laughing and just generally having a good time. I tried my best to avoid them because one thing was on my mind - death; and I just did not know what to even say to them….”Uhm hi, the moment I go home I’m going to end my life?”…. definitely not. Just as I walked on the other side of the road they spotted me and well I had to suck it up and talk to them. At that moment in time, I felt really really sad but mostly confused. Confused as to why I was going through what I was going through when every person my age is enjoying the start of their summer. Why was I the one who was tremendously suffering on the inside? Why was I going through this even though I asked for help and was getting help? I just could not understand. As I was talking to my friends, only one thing was going on in my head and that was “i want to die. Please let me go home so that I can end this horrible life”.
Anyways, I’m not going to bore you with the details of what happened before and after my suicide attempt as I have written an article solely on that. I want to focus mainly on the thoughts that went through my head as I attempted to end my life. As I was lining my medications to swallow them, the first thought that came to my head was that soon all of this bullshit was going to be over. All of this sadness and misery was going to end. I had been waiting for this moment for over two years now. This was obviously not the way I was planning out things to go, I just wanted things to stop being so bad, I just wanted to stop being so sad but that never happened. I read online that things would get better once you asked for help but I soon realised that that was just a blatant lie. I had been getting help for two years but nothing had changed. After two years I came to conclusion that maybe life is not for everyone and maybe I am not cut out to live in this world. It was finally time to take matters into my own hands and this was exactly what I was doing. I was finally doing something about it and all of these problems were about to end soon.
The moment I swallowed the handful of pills that I had, the thoughts that I was getting were all of regret. I started feeling guilty of what I had just done. I started picturing my family coming into my room and finding me laying on my bed, unconscious and dead. I started picturing my own funeral and all of my family members sitting through the mass, asking themselves what possibly could have been so unbearable for me to decide to end my life. I started thinking about all the people who cared about me, left stunned as they were told the news that the seventeen year old guy they knew who was always joking around decided to take his own life and that the funeral was next week. I started thinking about what my cat would do when she didn’t see me anymore, the confusion she would feel. I started to think about what would happen to my room and to my belongings. What would my family do with all of this band merchandise? I pictured them putting everything in a bag and how painful that would be.
Apart from regret, I also felt that now I surely never had the chance to experience happiness. Although I had not been experiencing happiness and I had not experienced it in a couple of years now, there was still a little hope inside of me which hoped that one day I would wake up and be happy that I was alive. I still had hope that maybe one day I would look up at the stars and just appreciate how beautiful the universe and earth is. I replied that what I had just done was lethal and now time was valuable and soon I would be out of this world.
That is one thing that many people who attempt suicide say. They say that the second they attempt suicide, they immediately feel regret, and I must say that I agree with that statement. The second I swallowed the pills I felt regret, i felt scared but most of all I hoped that I would not die or that there was no heavy damage to my internal organs. Because of this regret I sprinted downstairs and told my mother of what I had just done.
This experience remains so vividly in my head and is something that I will never forget. I will never forget the look on my loved ones’ face when they realise what I had just done. Most importantly I will ever forget the guilt and regret that I felt when I tried to kill myself. Hopefully, this will keep me from ever attempting such a thing again. I hope that things will get better soon, but even if they don’t, I know that suicide is not an option.