The Art of Letting Go: Part 1
The hardest thing to do is to let go of someone you love. It's not because you want to but because you have to.
Part 1: Sadness and Depression
When my grandma died, a part of me went to heaven too. Sleepless nights and broken hearts adored my life. A week after the burial, I went searching for her on my aunt's house where she stayed until she died.
I can’t imagine the feeling that time, it’s like you wanted to see her but you can’t find her. It’s like your heart would burst any minute because you are missing someone you won’t be able to see again.
Nights are terrible enemy. Every night I dream about her like we’re hanging out and just talking and I feel it in my heart that she’s there and those nightmares of her being dead was just a dream. Then another enemy of mine is waking up and facing the truth that she’s already gone…forever.
Part 2: Remembering
A week before her unexpected goodbye, she told us that Grandpa was visiting her and will take her to a place where there is no suffering. She told us she kept hearing his voice and it’s time to be with him. She remembered and called us with our name to let us know her time is nearing.
But I never cared. I never want to hear that she wanted to die, that she wanted to go away. Not now, we have so many plans after my graduation, which is by the way 5 years after from that time, I just started my first year in college.
When I was alone with her, she asked me to take good care of my Aunt (her youngest daughter) because she will die soon. She made me promised to be always there for her so she could rest in peace knowing I would. So I promised.
Part 3: The Worst Part
The worst part of getting back on my feet was remembering the day she died. I was planning to get her some hot porridge on my way home, stop by on my Aunt’s house and feed her. But a friend at school asked me to go window shopping with her until late afternoon. When I came home around 6PM, no one was there. I feared that something had happened to Grandma. I felt uneasy. I wanted to slip away unnoticed. Then the kid next door approached and said “Your grandma died just this afternoon”.
I wanted to shout. Nobody dares to say bad words to her. But I can feel it, I felt that she’s gone and it’s all my fault. The plan was to be with her that afternoon but I did not come to her house. I did not arrive... I was not there when she needed me the most.
After a day, they brought her home, silently sleeping inside a white coffin, with white dress and white flowers. I ran into my room and cried. I don’t want to see her like that. It was so sad that one day you were just talking and the next day she was not breathing anymore.
Part 4: Denial
So days already passed after the burial and one night, I dreamed that there was a wake on the house when I came home and people put her in the coffin. When I saw her inside, I screamed and shouted, I said that the person who put her there will pay a price because she’s not dead.
I was crying endlessly while I tried to pull her out of the coffin without anyone helping me. She hugged me and said she wanted to rest. My heart hurts because she wanted to leave and I don’t want her too. I told her not to go and just stay with me because I will fight those people who wanted her away.
So every night from that time on, I was dreaming about her, sometimes just in just a flash, sometimes it’s like a real conversation.
One time, I also dreamed we were living together on a house that was very old and raindrops keep falling from the roof.
I was cooking dinner for her and she said, "You don't have to do this. You can leave me here and be comfortable in your mother's house."
I smiled at her and said, "Grandma I will never leave you. I am happy when you're here with me." And I just hugged her.
Then another dream I refused to forget was the time when I was at home watching tv and she was just sitting on her chair when the news said that a tsunami would occur any minute now.
People were rushing outside going to this place which they prepared for the coming tidal wave.
Since she cannot stand nor walk, grandma told me, “Go save yourself!”
I firmly said, “No. I will carry you until we reached a safe place.”
She told me that we can’t make it since water is filling the place already. I carried her, not minding everything. Then when we can’t go on any further, she asked me to stay safe and save myself because she will die anyway if not on this disaster.
Then I answered her, “then I will die with you here.”
I don’t know what happens next because images change until I woke up.
Years passed by and I’m finding solace on my dreams. I wanted to sleep everyday and meet her there to talk but as time goes on, these dreams are now rare to find. Sometimes I wander thru the endless road of my dreams to find her but I can’t. Sometimes, I find myself calling her but I got no answer anymore.
To Be Continued...
- The Art of Letting Go: Part 2
Letting go doesn't always mean goodbye. It sometimes mean "I will love you forever".
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