The Colon Cleanse
The Colon Cleanse
by Erica Schmidt
Cast of Characters
Geraldine: A high strung hypochondriac between twenty and forty.
Man with phone: A man with a phone.
Colon Cleansing Assistant ONE through FORTY-NINE: Each wears an original, schatalogically suggestive T. Shirt and baggy pants that are held up by a belt, slightly below the ass crack.
SETTING: Porta-potty amongst trees.
(Frantic circus music plays. MAN WITH PHONE silently speaks on his cell phone in front of the porta-potty. GERALDINE barges out of the porta-potty, looks both ways anxiously, sees MAN WITH PHONE and taps him on the shoulder. Points to phone, moves hands in a way that suggests that she wants to borrow it. Dials number, moves lips rapidly, frantically. Music accelerates as COLON CLEANSING ASSISTANT runs onto the stage with a glass of orange juice and a large container of Metamucil. She mixes a spoonful of Metamucil in to the glass of juice which GERALDINE drinks. MAN WITH PHONE, GERALDINE and COLON CLEANSING ASSISTANT ONE circle the porta potty three times, Geraldine quickly enters. MAN WITH PHONE and COLON CLEANSING ASSISTANT ONE jump up and down and clap their hands from the outside. They hold their ears open for news. GERALDINE exits, looking discouraged. Everyone circles around the porta-potty three times in the opposite direction. COLON CLEANSING ASSISTANT TWO runs in with a large bag of lentils. GERALDINE grabs it and everyone circles the porta-potty three times, performing elaborate acrobatic movements along their journey. GERALDINE enters the porta-potty again. Everyone else forms a line in front of the porta-potty. They take their feet into a hip width stance, then squat to the floor, bringing their hands to their faces in a contemplative position. As they contemplate, they bounce slightly. After a few moments, GERALDINE exits the porta-potty distraught. She runs off the stage. Everyone follows her. When they return, MAN WITH PHONE is carrying GERALDINE on his shoulders while COLON CLEANSING ASSISTANT ONE and TWO have crossed hands and are balancing COLON CLEANSING ASSISTANT THREE on their forearms. MAN WITH PHONE projects GERALDINE from his shoulders and somehow she lands gracefully. At the same time, COLON CLEANSING ASSISTANTS ONE and TWO launch COLON CLEANSING ASSISTANT THREE into the air and he too falls gracefully onto the ground. Everyone forms a circle around GERALDINE and COLON CLEANSING ASSISTANT THREE who clasps his hands in front of his chest and begins to rapidly twist his torso from left to right while keeping his legs grounded and his hips even. As everyone mimics COLON CLEANSING ASSISTANT THREE, sounds of a washing machine come on. The sounds crescendo until GERALDINE takes off for the porta-potty, circling three times before entering. Everyone follows her again. While she’s in there, they practice single to quadruple axels in alternating directions. GERALDINE exits the porta-potty disappointed. Washing machine noises stop. Circus music resumes. Forty-three red cabbages roll onto the stage like bowling balls. COLON CLEANSING ASSISTANTS FOUR through Forty-SEVEN enter behind them. COLON CLEANSING ASSISTANT TWENTY-THREE slices pieces of cabbage for GERALDINE who chews them rapidly to begin with. Then COLON CLEANSING ASSISTANT TWENTY-THREE demonstrates the importance of thoroughly chewing each piece of cabbage forty-nine times. GERALDINE chews a piece of cabbage thirty-seven times, then runs into the porta-potty again. MAN WITH PHONE and all the COLON CLEANSING ASSISTANTS, each holding a cabbage form a semi-circle facing the audience and pass their cabbages to stageright. The COLON CLEANSING ASSISTANT furthest to the right rolls it offstage either forwards or sideways, aiming at an audience member every once in awhile. When all the cabbages have evacuated, GERALDINE has not and comes out of the porta-potty once again discouraged. COLON CLEANSING ASSISTANT comes tumbling onstage. Oh wait, he’s carrying a mason jar full of saltwater. That doesn’t work. So he comes tumbling onstage followed by COLON CLEANSING ASSISTANT FORTY-NINE who struts in carrying a mason jar filled with purified spring water in one hand and a container of Celtic sea salt in another. COLON CLEANSING ASSISTANT FORTY-NINE hands the mason jar to COLON CLEANSING ASSISTANT FORTY-EIGHT who opens it while COLON CLEANSING ASSISTANT FORTY-NINE pours the salt into the jar. COLON CLEANSING FORTY-EIGHT shakes the jar thoroughly and opens it for GERALDINE who chugs it efficiently. GERALDINE runs to the porta-potty. Everyone waits in great anticipation. The music stops.
MAN WITH PHONE
Ode to Scatology
COLON CLEANSING ASSISTANT SEVENTEEN
ALL (except Geraldine who is in the porta-potty)
Poop. Manifold Kinds.
People. Born of common seed.
Shitty to the core.
(COLON CLEANSING ASSISTANT NINE goes over the poem in his head, counting out the syllables with his fingers. GERALDINE reappears.)
But it doesn’t float, it sinks!
(END OF SCENE)