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The Covert (Closet/Stealth) Narcissist

Updated on February 11, 2017
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Marc Hubs - Writer/Researcher on Mind, Science & Conspiracy. Author of Know Your Enemy: Reflections Of NPD.

eBook by this Author

The new book about covert narcissists - available to download from Lulu.com now.
The new book about covert narcissists - available to download from Lulu.com now. | Source

Question 1

Have you ever had the misfortune to deal with a covert narcissist?

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Question 2

If yes, how long did it take you to realize they were a narcissist?

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Question 3

After you found out they were a narcissist, how much longer did it take you to escape?

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NOTE: Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is strongly characterized by complete and utter self-centeredness combined with outright denial and forms an invisible and virtually indestructible protective psychological barrier which defends the inflicted person's true inner turmoil.

Covert Narcissism

Undeniably and unequivocally, the most damaging, daunting and severe form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) that exists is covert narcissism - otherwise known as closet or stealth narcissism. Covert narcissists can seem highly defensive and extremely hostile whilst masking beneath their facade a highly insecure sense of emotional vulnerability; this vulnerability they will do absolutely anything within their ability to prevent being exposed, even if it means going to extreme lengths (desperate times call for desperate measures).

Although a typical covert narcissist generally possesses the same traits as an overt narcissist (the need for attention, approval, adulation and grandiose fantasies), these traits are not regularly expressed in their overt behavior making covert/closet (or stealth) narcissists all the more difficult to be able to recognize.

For some people it can be several decades before they recognize the narcissist in their lives.

Covert Vs Overt

In addition to the standard symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the covert narcissist is also susceptible to stress and worry. They have a tendency to function inefficiently (i.e. they are dysfunctional) whilst their inner expectations and desires remain unfulfilled.

Closet/stealth narcissists repress awareness of their narcissistic traits due to inner conflict; deep down inside they find their fantasies embarrassing and unacceptable. Deep down inside they realize that their fantasies are ultimately self-centered and are to solicit goodness and power to one's self; to put one's self up on a pedestal, above all others.

Symptoms

Covert narcissists are usually too afraid to exhibit any of their accomplishments to others and they commonly underestimate their own capabilities. Their overt behavior projects an innocent, angel-like, good as gold persona which builds them a credible and a faultless reputation yet they fail to reach their true potential due to their own self-doubt. Some covert narcissists end up losing all interest in their hobbies and desires and end up deciding to do nothing with their lives - they seem to have no real interests - yet they are extremely self-entitled and expect other people to do all the running round for them.

Why Is It So Bad?

The most damaging aspect of covert narcissism is the controlling and manipulative behavior that covert, or stealth, narcissists impose on the people closest to them. If in a relationship this is often solely their partner (though this is not always the case). They show a very real lack of empathy towards their partner and in many cases also towards their children, if they have any.

A female covert narcissist may have children with their partner in order to tie them down and to secure them as nothing more than sources of narcissistic supply, they may even manipulate the children out of him by failing to adequately use or intentionally damaging contraception or perhaps even by committing paternity fraud.

A male covert narcissist may try to tie their partner down in the same way by purposely not using or damaging contraception and exploiting the emotional bond between mother and child.

In a typical case the only person who realizes that there is a problem is the person who is closest to the covert/stealth narcissist, who is usually unwillingly forced to suffer covert narcissistic abuse (very subtle emotional blackmail, mental abuse and psychological manipulation). Narcissists end up obscuring the truth and twisting literally every little detail back round onto the victim. They expertly mix the truth with a lie in order to distort the truth in their favour.

This abuse is so well hidden within the communication dynamics of the relationship that the victim often doesn't pick up on it and is left scratching their head wondering "is it me?"

When a victim of this type of abuse eventually begins to develop awareness of the manipulation it gradually dawns on them that they have already been ostracized long before they anticipated and the people that they turn to for help have already been made to believe it's them who is the problem - they've already been turned against the victim. The victim has been ostracized.

The covert narcissist makes their victim feel like they are the one with the problem whilst projecting an innocent angel-like persona to everyone around them. They make their victim look bad and do their best to destroy their reputation in order to protect their deluded false sense of self and their distorted viewpoint of the world. Narcissists have no empathy and therefore have an invisible secret, an advantage over everyone around them.

The narcissist attains the trust, respect and belief of everyone around them and anyone close to their victim who they are likely to turn to for help. The victim feels like they are suffering alone, no-one around them can see what the deceitful, deceptive, manipulative and controlling covert narcissist is really up to.

Covert narcissists use very cleverly hidden emotional blackmail, mental abuse, suggestive techniques and manipulative linguistic patterns to force their partner to question their own sanity; behaviors which people that know them would never ever dream of them of ever being capable of. They have everybody around them fooled by their pathological self whilst wearing down at the psyche and soul of their victim who, over time, becomes depressed, loses self-esteem and feels like their soul is being worn down until they eventually seemingly become devoid of emotion themselves - this then further backs up the narcissists claims that their victim is the one with the problem. If the victim of a narcissist does happen to discover the truth it will always be denied by most people around them and they often end up going into a state of cognitive dissonance.

Covert narcissism is all about reflection, projection, denial and suppression.
Covert narcissism is all about reflection, projection, denial and suppression. | Source

Narcissists (Full Documentary)

Reflection & Projection

When arguing with a covert narcissist, a victim will usually be left at a dead-end. Their logic appears to be incompatible with that of the narcissist and they always get outwitted. If a relationship partner, then the narcissist will go on to state how they took that partner into their life and 'saved' them when they needed it and will make the partner feel like they are forever in debt to them. The narcissist makes the victim believe that anything bad that happened was all in their imagination and that they are paranoid; it wasn't real.

Covert narcissists are the sort of people who have multiple partners, secret affairs (sometimes within their own family) or sometimes even a complete secret life with someone else. They recruit friends and family who are fooled by the innocent persona they project to defend their false self by convincing them that their discovered secrets are just a result of paranoia or suspicion, yet they use special occasions such as Valentine's Day or even while their partner is away at funerals in order to get away with their infidelity; times when the victim least expects it.

When a narcissist's deceit has been discovered literally every little detail gets twisted back round on to the true victim. They are then the one being accused of the abuse, lies and/or cheating. It's a plain and simple defense mechanism which offers no logic or information on the subject and has to be kept secret in order to uphold the covert narcissist's pathological self.

Narcissists come up with one-line defense mechanisms rather than offering any logical explanation for their behavior (e.g. "it's all in your head", "you're paranoid", "that didn't happen", "I think you need to see a doctor", "I don't know what you're talking about", "I never said that").

Statements like these are an instant sign of guilt and make it clear that they're not willing to even talk about it; they are not willing to take the risk of slipping up. However, on certain occasions (in private) the narcissist's attitude towards their partner may change to "either let me get away with it or get out of my life" although this is usually short-lived and denial and repression kicks back in. They make it clear, intermittently, that everything is about them whilst their partner's feelings, needs, wants and desires are completely disregarded and they will discard their partner in the process with no empathy whatsoever, seemingly being heartless and sadistic. However, covert narcissists are usually nowhere near as sadistic as malignant narcissists who tend to have a very nasty sadistic streak.

Anyone who knows about a covert narcissist's secret life is sure to be blackmailed or manipulated into keeping quiet, often by-proxy. Even when a narcissist does slip up, they may claim that they have a communication problem and that they didn't mean to use those words, they will deny their secrets until the day they die even if they've already been discovered, even if you present them with 100% factual evidence and even if you know for a fact they are lying - they will attempt to make you question the evidence.

It's also important to understand that a covert narcissist also suffers. Although on some level they must be aware of some of their abuse, mind-games and manipulation or they wouldn't hide it from everyone, it has become their way of getting through life and is ultimately deep-rooted in their subconscious - it's pathological. They must control their victim in order to continue to uphold their false self to everyone else around them.

However, narcissists ultimately still know the difference between right and wrong and good and evil but deep down inside they just simply don't care - protecting their true (and self-denied) emotions is essential.

A covert narcissist may make it clear to the person closest to them that they understand they have a problem, that they simply don't care that they have a problem and that they are not willing to do anything about it even if that means losing the people closest to them in their life. Again, this is usually an intermittent behaviour. Narcissists have no empathy but seem to go through intermittent (but rare) phases of self-reflection and self-acknowledgement - these phases are also short-lived.

Narcissistic Abuse

Covert narcissists can be extremely flirtatious if a in party setting, though they often use occasional shock tactics whilst any further promiscuity is kept under cover - they pretend that they were too drunk to know what they were doing and were not in control and then blame their behavior on the alcohol. They make further arrangements in private and keep their sexual endeavors and 'love' affairs secret in order to uphold their angelic false self-image.

A covert narcissist attempts to tie their primary source of narcissistic supply (their partner) down early on in a relationship. They ultimately suck up all the finances within the relationship, cut off their partner's contact with family and friends and damage or lose their partner's official forms of identification claiming it was an accident leaving them without money or proof of who they are. They manipulate them into a situation whereby they don't have the resources to leave the relationship or have any control over their situation before then going on to wear down their partner's sense of self-identity - there can be very serious health consequences for the victim.

Narcissistic ideology shines clearly through such a relationship to the narcissist's partner, they are usually the only person that recognizes the problem (eventually) though they are left with no escape route - when attempting to seek help, family and friends accuse them of twisting around everything that the covert narcissist has already told them back on to them in the process of ostracizing their partner - it's a double-blind consisting of nothing more than projection and reflection.

Covert narcissists attempt to make their partner believe that they have mental health issues and that they are insane, they will misbehave and tell their partner it was all in their head, they imagined it, it wasn't real. Show them that you are not willing to be manipulated and they will discard you as though you mean nothing. Of course, this is what everyone around them already believes, the narcissist has already built their army of support forcing the victim to repeatedly keep questioning their own sanity.

eBook by this author:

Available now from Lulu
Available now from Lulu | Source

Narcissist Victim Syndrome

Ultimately victims of long-term covert narcissistic abuse can experience severe bad health symptoms such as post-traumatic stress disorder - they experience nightmares and flashbacks whilst their mind is subconsciously piecing the parts of the puzzle together. This is the brain's way of healing itself and, in extreme cases, it can be decades before this realization happens.

When this happens the victim may begin to figure out just what has been happening for all the years (or decades), though they usually still have to suffer the consequences of the abuse alone - their friends and family still believe it's them that's the problem, their life may have fallen apart and they have probably been left devastated and as feeling as though their soul has been worn down to it's very core.

In extreme cases the victim may have even been left with physical health symptoms such as a heart murmur or an anxiety disorder. Stress-related illnesses resulting from extreme narcissistic abuse can sometimes result in death of the victim (e.g. heart attack) - stress can be dangerous.

When a narcissist can see that their victim is tired, worn down and in a weak vulnerable state then they know the victim is exactly where they want them, it offers a chance for more emotional and mental abuse to be perpetrated and the narcissist will inevitably kick their victim while they're down.

Narcissistic abuse feels cruel, cold, calculated and extremely twisted for the victim. The most significant concern of this personality disorder is that victims of narcissistic abuse could be twice as likely to suffer with stress-related medical problems including depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, heart attacks and strokes (amongst others). Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not something to be taken lightly and can sometimes result in what I refer to as psychological murder.

* The author of this article was a victim of narcissistic mind control for over ten years and aims to create awareness of NPD and to dispel many of the myths and misconceptions about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

eBook out now: Know Your Enemy: Reflections Of NPD, is available to download now from Lulu - alternatively, you can show your support by liking the Facebook page for the book

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© 2010 Marc Hubs

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    • GmaGoldie profile image

      Kelly Kline Burnett 7 years ago from Madison, Wisconsin

      Oh, I am writing on this topic - will be sure to link back! Excellent!

    • gidtset profile image

      gidtset 6 years ago

      Thanks for sharing. Wasn't aware of such a term "covert narcissist".

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      Christine Louis de Canonville 6 years ago

      Very informative article, thank you, you really have done your research. So much is written about the Overt Narcissist, but little about the Covert Narcissist. You would be surprised as to how few people are aware of this form of narcissism, even therapists. For that reason many families suffer without any form of support or help. And for those family members who end up going to therapy, they are often failed again, because their therapist may not be trained to recognise the symptoms of narcissistic abuse. This particular type of abuse is now recognized as a new syndrome that is coined Narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

      I came through a childhood with such a sybling who created havoc with his narcissistic behavior and rages. I was probably his first victim. As he got older, his behavior became even more distructive. He made his family's life a misery, they were actually living in a hell that could only be described as a "war zone". The problem is, in order to survive, the victim enters into what is termed the "the narcissists dance". This is an unconscious defense mechanism which helps to keep the victim safe, but in so doing they almost loose themselves by placating, complying, and appeasing. This becomes part of their way of being, a great pleaser with everybody. Unless this unconscious dance is exposed in therapy, and the victim educated about narcissistic behavior, they are actually left vunerable to becoming Narcissistic Supply yet again. The reason is that they are conditioned (like Pavlov's dogs)in a way that makes them a a target for other hungry narcissists, who are always on the hunt for new supply, and are quick to spot those primed already.

      The narcissistic epidemic has infiltrated into every aspect of modern life. The narcissistic personality traits can be found in every strata of society, with a marked shift especially amongst the normal population, and in the numbers of women presenting with narcissistic behaviours. For that reason it is vital that therapists educate and familiarize themselves with all that is involved in narcissistic behaviours so that they can recognize the destruction and long-term consequences that is inflicted on society at large.

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      dracaslair 6 years ago

      i want my father to read this.this topic is a good one.

    • secretmemoir profile image

      secretmemoir 6 years ago from Australia

      excellent hub - will link to my hub on being disowned by narcissist "family"

    • vocalcoach profile image

      Audrey Hunt 6 years ago from Nashville Tn.

      Very good hub - need to read it a few times to fully understand, but I am understanding more each time I read it. This would be excellent for my sister to read. I will forward it to her. Thanks so much for all the work you put into creating this hub.

    • kimh039 profile image

      Kim Harris 6 years ago

      Interesting hub and discussion sparkster. Thanks.

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      shirley 6 years ago

      this made me cry with such deep emotion, ive been ostracised and made to feel im so bad and crazy.

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      Helen 6 years ago

      wow interesting reading. I am doing research on the motivations of counsellor - why they enter the profession and was struggling with narcissism as a reason, The covet narcissist fits the description very well. Thanks

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      Sir Camel 6 years ago

      I have been in a relationship and married to a person like this for 15 years. She has done to me exactly what is written here. What makes it even worse is she's a LCSW, (license clinical social worker). She is from a wealthy fanily, I am not. She has a great (free), education, I do not. Also when we met she was just 22 years old and I was 37, there is a 15 years age difference. That hasn't helped either. I am still struggling, trying to get the truth out. I have divorced her and have sole custdoy of my two daughters. However, I am still afraid of her, more for the lies she tells people about me, than the physcial abuse, and raging.

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      doctor abroad 6 years ago

      Dear Sir Camel.

      Your describtion of your troublesome relationship made me a bit worried. First a bit about myself. I work as a family doctor (GP) in Scandinavia. My experiences from many consultations with suffering people have lead me into an interest in trying to find a pattern/system of understanding- that can help me help other people. The last 4-5 years I have read quite a bit about narcissism as a major cause of problems within relationships.

      I take it you are living with your ex-wife now?

      I would like to reflect upon some of the things that you wrote. It seems to me that you would like your ex-wife to really understand how you feel about your relationships. And that you would like to give collateral information to her therapist.

      My experience with this is the following; a) if your ex-wife really wanted to understand you- you wouldn`t have been in this situation in the first place. People do not change unless they really want to do it themselves. b) Your ex-wife is consulting a colleague.. There may be nothing wrong with this therapist, but I don`t think her focus will be on you and your problems. Why? Your wife most probably hasn`t asked for that service. my experience is that people in general will seek understanding and support for Their view whenever visiting a therapist. Considering your wife`s previous behavior I think it would be a wise thing not to expect anything at all.

      as I am writing this (in a bit broken English :-)), I can\t help thinking that these advices are just that, advices.I guess you`ve had quite a few of those..

      But if I should really give you my best advice, it would be the following,

      - what would you recommend your best friend if he or she told you the same story? Your recommendations probably also is correct for you.

      - If you feel scared, nervous, jumpy, self-critical, uncertain and depressed- when you live with your ex-wife- OK; then you do that, emotions do not lie. Let them point you the right way away from your current situation. The really brave thing to do is to demand respect from her- if she doesn`t give that to you, find other people to be with.

      - find a good therapist or a good friend, go searching until you find the right one

      Good Luck!

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      Sir Camel 6 years ago

      Doctor abroad-

      I can appreciate your concern. However, let me assuage your fears, if I may. What I can tell you; is very soon after my oldest daughter made accusations about things she says accrued during visitation at, “Mommy’s house”, I set up medical and psychological appointments for both girls. At this juncture my daughters have been in my, “sole custody” for 20 months. They have just had their second, “well check” doctor’s appointment, and third dental appointment. They are both in great health and their teeth are beautiful (perfect). I am a good father, and have also raised my oldest son as a single parent from age 26, months old.

      As for my ex-wife and I living together, that isn’t quite accurate, yet. I have allowed her to move back into the house the girls and I were living in. We live some 140 miles away, in another house that I own. Visitations are spent together with the girls and me, at “Mommy’s” house. This way I don’t need to find a hotel or drive back only to return two days later. It also allows my ex-wife and I time to see if living together again is what we actually want. Lastly, it affords me one more PRICELESS benefit, I have piece of mind. Sending my daughters off to visitation was one of the most excruciatingly painful things I’ve ever had to do. Even though I certainly needed the break, however, it was no break worrying about them for the next 72, hours.

      True, people don’t get help unless they want it. I will take it a step further and say; as with addicts, and I believe narcissists too, they don’t get help unless they hurt bad enough “hit bottom.” When my ex-wife left the house she was at that point. However, many people, mostly her family gave her everything she needed to set up, “shop” again, i.e. a late model Honda, dental work $1600.00, furniture, eating utensils, food, computer, scanner, fax,….She also spent at least a $1000.00, on new clothes. She got a new hair style she actually walked right by me and the children when we went to meet her at work for lunch. The woman I’ve always told how beautiful she was, the woman I’ve known for 15 years, who I could spot in Time Square at midnight! Not only did I not recognize her, it was as if she were a totally different person. Everything about her was “new”, different. It was actually very sad. It is as if the person I had known for years was gone! With that being said, although it may be difficult to achieve, even, “covert narcissist” I believe can “learn” how to be better and productive people, possibly even empathetic people. I view her therapy as being for herself, for the most part. If I receive any cathartic effects from her getting better (and I believe I will), that would be wonderful. I think her therapist wants her to focus on a few different areas one of those, is helping my ex-wife to understand why she had the affair, partly so she can tell me. However, I believe I already know why, she’s a “covert narcissist” and that’s their nature, put very, very, simply.

      Like you, I’ve been interested in NPD, for sometime, and have read a number of books and countless articles on the “disorder” dating back to the late 1980’s. Recently I’ve delved into the subject looking for answers, possible treatments, and solutions. I am not speaking from a totally lay perspective. My ex-wife and I met when we were both social workers. She continued her education and acquired her LCSW licenseture. I am a QMHP (Qualified Mental Health Professional), and also a CADC-II (Certified Alcohol & Drug Counselor II).

      I truly believe this person; the person I’ve known for 15, years, the mother of my two children is worth it. However, I don’t believe it should be at my daughters, and/or my expense. I know it is going to be challenging, but not only do I have a huge interest in seeing her get better and being successful. I truly believe that she has something very special and valuable to offer human kind. I believe she has yet to realize even a fraction of her potential.

      The children are loved by many people, and are being taken very good care of.

      Sir Camel

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      Sir Camel 6 years ago

      ...who I could spot in Time Square at midnight on New Years Eve! That is.....:)

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      Doctor abroad 6 years ago

      Having read your text I can clearly see that you and your children will have a good future, and hopefully your ex-wife, too. The way you have taken control of the family`s situation is very impressive. Your attitude towards your ex-wife also shows that you avoid contempt and wanting to punish her for what she has done to you. So many people ends up living av bitter life after the same experiences.

      Thank you for sharing your story with me. Listen to your heart. All the best

    • profile image

      Sir Camel 6 years ago

      Thank you for your seldom heard, yet kind and encouraging words. I will think of them on those rough days.

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      Peter 6 years ago

      This is typically my wife. Everything I understand now.

      My brother in law and I are the victims of two covert narcissistic sisters.

      Only my brother in law and I recognize everything and nobody else understand.

      Hard women to live with !! Escaping in not possible, because we both are men,

      who love our children too much. The sisters probably choose us for this reason!

      Very sneaky and manipulating women, who tied us up completely !!!

    • profile image

      Sane Man 6 years ago

      I can understand if children are involved, but I don't really understand why people stay with narcissistic partners. Obviously they fooled someone in to having feelings for them with a false front, but for me when you get to see the real character underneath and it's ugly or even twisted and evil, the attraction fades and dies pretty quickly. So when one person stops being attracted to another person surely that's when the relationship ends, I know it's usually more complicated than that but in essence isn't it that simple? I was attracted to a narcissistic women in the past and began to get close to her, and as soon as she started to reveal her 'true colours' I realized the way she was acting around me at the beginning was false and I got the hell out, because I'm sure like most people I don't find extremely negative character traits to be attractive in any way whatsoever. Anyway great articles on the subject and great comments, I empathize with you all entirely, my father has NPD and the years growing up unaware of this were very painful, by the time I was 15 years old I was taking drugs and suffering with depression with occasional suicidal thoughts. My Mother has Stockholm syndrome and would always think I had problems unrelated to the family (thanks to my Fathers whispering in her ear), and my sister has BPD and was almost as bad as my Father, so I was completely isolated and kept all the pain internalized where it festered as mental and emotional disease. It still fascinates me to watch my father operate, he's so damaged, there's almost a robot like quality, like he's not quite all there (even though he has an IQ of 142), he seems so calculated and cynical with his manipulation, but also seems completely unconscious at the same time if you get what I mean, because no one conscious or thoughtful could behave this way. I know I've been rambling but I just want to add one more thing, that is now my life is amazing (I'm 24 years old), because I was so messed up by this upbringing I had to study it all, go back and restructure everything. Using stuff like hypnosis, cellular memory release, mind control, psychology, consciousness frequency technology etc I healed all the pain and all the toxicity in my mind, body and soul, and I'm now far more happy and grounded than I ever would have been with a regular upbringing, plus I now have a good level of awareness of things that are never talked about such as emotional intelligence. That's what I feel about Narcissistic abuse, if you fully heal from it you end up becoming much more than you ever were before it took place, because you’re forced to address fundamental issues that effect all humans but are just greatly exaggerated in abusive situations. So in that regard I think Narcissistic abuse was just the 'necessary evil' I had to endure to fulfill my destiny as a human. Good luck to everyone, you have my admiration.

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      Peter 6 years ago

      Sane man, you are completely right. You know, I am already 23 years living with my wife, and I only found out 5 years ago that my wife is a covert narcist. She has an angel-like face and nobody would ever believe me. I am very sure that only the 5 years my wife was sometimes engaged in masochistic relations with some narcists. Denial of her masochistic character is outright by her !! I do not mind masochists, but why being so damned denying about it to me ? Outright denial is typically everything about my wife !!! But children from such a relation, I have to protect, because they are also my children !!! But here in Holland, there is also the problem that woman are protected in everything and allways the men are blamed. My wife is very pretty and has an angel-like face and besides as a real neurotic, she is a work-aholic !! Who will believe that my wife is a covert narcist, except me ?? Okay, only my brother in law !! But if there are no children and you are sure your friend is a narcist, you must leave her or him immediately !!

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      bubbles 6 years ago

      Mr Peter, that is the way they operate. My ex actually sits and tells the most outrageous lies and accuses me of things that in fact he has done. Their illness prevents them from admitting what they do. They are very exhausting people to be around and constantly claim that black is white. It is very difficult to deal with them in fact it is impossible and they never change. One is left absolutely stunned they are manipulative and tell endless lies, normal people cannot understand them.

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      Bubbles 6 years ago

      To Sir Camal

      Actually you are lucky that your brother in law understands and is on your side. I have been told that PN's covert or not never change, they can't. We waste endless years trying to understand them but we can never really understand as it is so completely foreign and distaseful to a normal person. They break our hearts endless times and then say they don't undestand why we can't live with them. Their parents can also have personality disorders and they have often had disturbed childhood's, no one knows if it is an inherited disorder or not. If you can find Atika posts, on Sam Vaknin, it might help you to understand more. Maybe she could drive your children back or maybe she could see them just one day in a hotel near you and drive herself there and back. If you let her stay be careful, I narrowly avoided several 'domestic accidents' which would have been fatal. It could be safer and healthier for everyone if she moves back out as the situation will cause so much tension and can exhaust you. Good luck.

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