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The Curiosity, Confusion, and Frustration of - DID

Updated on June 11, 2012

The Curiosity, Confusion, and Frustration of - DID

The aftermath and feelings I have following the event of a "switch" in personality:

by Monica Ortega

Today, was a very bad day for me...why? Because I'm tired...I cry because I hate who I am and the things that are happening to me because of things, bad things that have happened to me in the past that caused the mental illnesses that I have now. It's not my fault! Yet, it is me that has to deal with it... The confusion, the chaos, the more perplexities and bewilderment...Oh my god the questions??... the hurt and pain it not only causes me but my family who also endures it along side me.

Days like today and many others leave me feeling with the question, "Is this really something I want to live with for the rest of my life?" My mother was my role model that actually answered this question for me...I've lost so many friends, foster families, adopted family, church family because I'm weird someone people don't want to deal with. Then I'm treated like some kind of freak!! Yeah! A freak. The last I looked I believe I saw in the mirror, a person, a human being that has the same blood running through my veins just like everyone else!

I have found myself in scary situations, shameful situations "lost"... lost miles, and miles away from home wondering how the hell I got there...No clues, no answers, no memory only lost time unaccounted for. Confused a horrible feeling, curiosity? Why the hell would I want to know especially when it comes to a part of me that I despise, it's not me! I've been sitting here trying to find myself (crying) who the hell am I??

Frustration and anger leaving me with thought's of wanting to self-harm to kill it, to kill the other's (personalities) especially those that leave me devastated, cold, lost and in desperation for normality. I try everything I can to be larger in life, build up hope just to only see failure, time and time and time again. Why? because I have no control. We naturally have the desire to have control over who we are, but for me many times that is not an option...

Last year, I was in an altered state with weapons of self-harm, tell me why the hell it took ten police officers to take me down and that through first shooting me with a gun in the lower abdomen, because for some reason I didn't go down or was phased by the shot, they tased me, not once but twice before I fell to the ground...seriously!! Did they feel so intimidated by me, a mentally ill person to use excessive force, deadly force?? I guess according to family who was actually there attested to the fact that I continued to repeat myself to the police officers to go ahead, "kill me, kill me! I don't care you think I'm afraid of you!!

Why would anyone in their right mind do such thing's, because people in their right mind would not put themselves in this position...Insanity, is much of what I feel, I am not normal and everyday I have to live with this...Bipolar, depression, PTSD, and DID...But there is something that continues to push me to write my articles, why? You want to know why? It's because I know there are so many who can seriously relate to what I am saying even though you may have not gone through the many extremes of altered states that I may have gone through but I know you all have stories. Stories that need to be told.

I have nothing to gain and I have nothing to loose with sharing my personal experiences because I am so sick of hiding, when I know that what I say can help someone to see that your not alone. As much as it may hurt me the hurting is part of the process of healing. Even though it doesn't feel that way. I have determined in my mind that I have a baby girl who loves me and a husband who also loves me. Everyday, I have to say my reason for being here is to show other's that I refused to give up, even though so many in my life have.

Forgive me, because I'm far from happy and so tired of falling to my knees feeling that not even God hears me, if there is even a God...Wavering in my believes of religion, philosophy, science, creation...See, my problem is being real good at giving advice and counsel but cannot take my own advice because I feel I don't deserve it. Awakening my heart, breaking through the dark. Always knowing that perfect days can also end up in rain.

Most of me is undone but I have something inside me that won't give up, and I'm not referring to myself I'm referring to you, those who read my articles. Whatever you can think off in your mind believe me I've done it during different alters and switches. It hurts. The noise within that never ends...Well I'm sorry that this article may sound so depressing but understand I have my bad days, but feel these honest interruptions many can relate to others. My goal is not to discourage, my goal is to relate to others that you're not alone no matter how far you think you are....

by Monica Ortega

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  • Logically5150 profile image

    Logically5150 5 years ago

    Monica,

    You are amazingly strong in so many ways people don't see. Thank you for being so open and honest about your feelings, it really does give hope to others. Those of us who suffer with a mental illness are often scared and even discouraged by those around us to speak up about our illness and it's effect on our lives and all those around us when it should be the opposite. If "normal" people could learn to listen and begin to understand it would be amazing to see the change it would make in the world. I think your hub was inspiring and greatly respect your courage and commitment! All my best wishes

  • Pauline Davenport profile image

    Pauline Davenport 5 years ago from Isle of Man

    Dear Monica,

    You have the incredible gift of making people feel - really feel, by your words. You are not useless, you are very gifted and very giving. Despite your own problems, you are still thinking of other people. Sadly, for too long mental illness has been seen as a scourge to be brushed under the carpet. I suspect that a lot of negative reaction is through ignorance, and writing like yours is so necessary to show people the truth of what it really is like. I feel privileged to have been able to share some of your world. Thank you

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