What Is An Enabler>Part 3 of 4
The enabler versus the needy one "quite a scenerio"
I would like to begin this hub by decribing the charactoristics of an enabler; One who enables another to persist in self-destructive behavior by providing excuses/justification or by making it possible to avoid the consequences of such behavior thus promoting denial. So what is denial? Denial is a psychological defence mechanism in which a confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the existance of the problem or reality. Refusal to admit the truth or reality of something unpleasent. It is also a way to avoid conflict, disagreements or disapproval from others.
An enabler provides a sanctuary for the needy. They avoid conflict by blaming someone else for the resolution of the problem (so and so said rather than I realize you have a problem) because the enabler does'nt want to appear as "the corrector/in opposition to". They themselves cannot admit to being in disagreement with the needy one because they are afraid they may cause more harm than good thereby deleting themselves from the whole debilitating scenerio. The problem with this is the needy one perceives this person as one who "is in agreement with their actions". The enabler allows the needy one to have this agreement so as not to feel alone/abandoned.
An enabler is actually keeping themselves on the same level as the needy one so as to make the needy one feel they have someone to relate/understands their behavior. Rocking the boat would prove otherwise (so the enabler thinks). An enabler promotes this type of behavior so the needy one doesn't feel abandoned or unloved. They need the needy one to trust them, be someone they can count on, not feel rejected by society. The truth is..the needy one needs to know/come to realization that society does reject such behavior.
The enabler "feels sorry" for the needy one even though their behavior is unexceptable. They want to be "someone they can turn to". They feel responsible for their well-being. They become "the controller of the situation/circumstance and the outcome". The outcome should be more favorable but the enabler doesn't have much faith in the needy one to do it for themselves. The enabler feels the needy one is incapable/dependant. In most cases the needy one has proven they can't be counted on to acheive so the enabler takes "the reigns". They actually put the very life of the needy one "in their hands"and take "full" responsibility for them. They believe their survival depends on them thereby the needy one becomes as weak as the enabler.
The enabler and the needy one thrive on this disfunction by manipuating one another. One on the recieving line and the other on the giving in hopes for recovery. Sadly in this scenerio there is no recovery. The problem is litterally being "swept under the rug and ignored". Nothing really gets resolved. A lot can be lost with nothing gained because both sides aren't "willing to address the problem". Unfortunity little healing will occure.
One can never resolve a problem as long as they appear to be in agreement with it. There is no reason to change/resolve. One will not realize without opposition. If one is made to feel comfortable, one will surly remain that way.
Don't get me wrong....an enabler offers hope.......but without a clear understanding of it or it's benefits. So be wise and be strong because you may be able to offer someone A Better Tomorrow!