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The Idiot's Guide to Practical Immortality

Updated on March 15, 2015

Relativistic spaceship

Living forever with our current technology seems kind of hard. If only you could jump into the future where living forever would be easy.

Well, maybe you can. If you could catch a ride on a space ship flying almost at the speed of light you could come back to earth in a thousand or even ten thousand years. Assuming humanity hasn't destroyed itself. You should be able to pick up a prescription for immortality at the corner drug store--or whatever the future equivalent would be.

Everyone you have ever known is long since dead. You don't know how to do anything of any practical value. I would imagine that even future dogs and monkeys would know more about how to navigate the future than you would. But that's the trade off for living forever.

Now if they have invented a time machine that will let you go backwards in time, you are in business!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Spaceship

There are any number of problems I have glossed over with the "relativistic spaceship".

Problem 1: How do you start this thing!?

Problem 2: How do you stop this thing!?

Problem 1: Starting The Spaceship

Well, what I really mean is how do we get to near light speeds?

The short answer is: You don't. At least not right away. It would take an infinite amount of energy to accelerate an object with a rest mass from zero to the speed of light.

Rather what you do is creep up on the issue. Accelerate at low accelerations for a long, long period of time and after awhile you would get to an appreciable percentage of the speed of light.

There are various ways to provide this slow, continuous acceleration. A couple of the more reliable ones are to have a nuclear power plant on board and to have solar power cells as well. With any luck you either scoop up interstellar matter or bring along some matter for you to ionize and shoot out the back end of the rocket with electromagnetism. You could also try powering the spaceship with a solar sail that gets a laser beam shot at it. Maybe you could set up a really powerful laser in space to shoot photons at you. But when you get really far way, this will not work very well.

Problem 2: Stopping the Spaceship.

Again I say, the answer is don't.

Attempting relativistic deceleration sounds like an expensive proposition to me. Instead, find some large gravitational masses, steer toward them and use a gravitational slingshot to turn around and head back toward earth.

In short, don't stop, TURN.

Strange New Life

If you can't or just don't want to wait for earthers to grant you life everlasting, look for immortal aliens along the way. Maybe you could trade for alien immortality or steal it.

Only a Billion

If you think about it you will realize that a lot of the ways you could try to become immortal could require a great deal of money. Billions if not trillions of dollars could be required.

Where will you get that much scratch from?

Sell a Billion Dollar pencil

You only have to sell one billion dollar pencil. How hard can it be?

Since almost no one is dumb enough to buy a billion dollar pencil, we need a more practical approach.

Sell shares in immortality. Offer people who want to live forever a cut of the life everlasting pie if they will give you money. If you go into the future to become immortal, you may never have to pay your investors back. If they catch on to this then promise them that you will get a hold of a time machine in the future and you will come back to pay them off. Hey, people have believed dumber things in the past. Astrology, big foot, Nessie, fountain of youth, streets paved with gold, etc.

Marry a Billionaire

You could try marrying a billionaire. Hay, John Kerry did it so it cannot be that hard.

Figure out where the billionaires hangout, what they like to do, etc, and you do the same. If they like underwater basket weaving become an expert in that field. Do nationwide lecturer tours and write books. Offer to do lecturers at every foundation, institute and charity that the billionaire of your choice funds. Get your self invited to charity functions and parties that your billionaire attends. Be devastatingly charming or safely dangerous or whatever works but get hitched so you can get your hands on those billions and buy the life everlasting.

Steal a Country

Countries often have billions and even trillions at their disposal. All you have to do is steal a country and you can print money!

Barack Hussein Obama and Eric Holder have given very instructive lessons on how to steal a country. What you do, according to the Obama method is steal elections. To do this, you require that nobody has to show identification when they vote. They you can pay a bunch of illegals with funny money you printed up in your basement to vote for you by illegally claiming to be someone else. After all, since one one can request identification, the foreign criminals must be whomever they say they are--why would they lie?

So by stealing an election you can get billions if not trillions. And then you can print more!

Steal Several Countries

If you have seen some of the scandals at the United Nations or considered some of the arbitrary, dictatorial and capricious dictates of the European Union, it becomes clear that you could steal billions if not trillions of dollars by becoming a worldwide bureaucrat. If you play your cards right, you could in effect steal immortality from every person on this earth--by stealing their cash and using it to fund your immortality exploits.

Steal A $1 Billion

If you need to get a billion dollars to buy life everlasting you could always do it the old fashion way. Steal it. Steal the money (Don't try this at home). I don't know of any bank that you could actually get into that has a billion dollars in it but hackers are skimming money from people's bank and brokerage accounts every day. Naturally I have to say: Don't try this at home.

Have 100 Children

You could try for immortality in an old fashion way. Genetic immortality. For this, the more kids you have the better. So not only must you consider being a polygamist with lots of wives but you should also consider being an egg or sperm donor.

Write 100 Books

If you have some writing talent then another old fashion way to gain "immortality" is to write a lot of books and become an "immortal bard."

Get Infected

Sooner or later science will perfect the idea of the medical nanobot. Once injected, they will keep plaque out of your arteries and your brain and repair or replace cells from the inside. Technology will make you effectively immortal. In fact, even grave wounds will heal on their own without a doctor's assistance. If the nanobots are particularly effective, even AIDS and Ebola will be no match for them.

Off with Her Head!

Have your noggin severed and shoved into a plastic bag with some dry ice.


There is a way to cryrogenically store your head after you die. in theory you could be thawed out in a 1000 years and cloned or they could do some weird process we cannot now imagine to resurrect you.

Steal the Lone Ranger's Silver Bullet

Invent the cure for everything--the silver bullet! Or pay others to do it. While good health forever is not quite the same as immortality, it's a close enough second for ordinary mortals. If you die from the diseases of the elderly then you can't be alive to take advantage of immortality when it gets discovered.

Cheat Death

Find the cellular or genetic switch for immortality and flip that sucker. You actually probably need to deactivate the dead man's switch. That part of our makeup that stops our cells from reproducing and repairing themselves.

Box Your Brain

Shove brain into a computer. Download your consciousness into a machine. It's up to you whether you want to stay in one machine, a network or robot or an android.

Become a Cyborg

Replace all your parts as they wear out. Its up to you whether you replace stuff with organic parts or machine parts.

As technology advances you could clone your existing organs and use the cloned parts to replace diseased or damaged ones. Actually ripping the body parts out of a clone, even a brainless one seems a bit gross. Better to grow a liver in a petri dish or even in a pig. This will mean that the old you will never reject the new parts because its all you!

Not sure how the machine/organic interface is eventually going to turn out but the notion is worth pursuing.

Hate to imagine a mad, demented brain trapped in an immortal body though...

Pray for It

If you are religious then surely the next life is a better one so prepare yourself in the ways of your faith to meet your just and final reward.

Prey for It

Do not try this at home!!!

Some have thought to bathe themselves in the blood of virgins.

There are any number of human effluvia and secretions that some think confer medical benefits. Even urine.

Some might even try eating glands and hormones from certain animals.

Eat brainz!


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    • poetryman6969 profile imageAUTHOR


      4 years ago

      Nadine, that's a cool way to look at things.

    • Nadine May profile image

      Nadine May 

      4 years ago from Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa

      Ha Ha that was a fun read. We are all already immortals in consciousness, so we can pick any kind of bodily form and play with it.

    • poetryman6969 profile imageAUTHOR


      4 years ago

      Thanks Shyron!

    • Shyron E Shenko profile image

      Shyron E Shenko 

      4 years ago from Texas

      Science can say all they want to about ways to live longer but, the only way to live longer is to stay alive.

      Interesting hub.

    • poetryman6969 profile imageAUTHOR


      4 years ago

      Nell, funny, I have never seen an immortal sheep!

      Danielle, thanks for dropping by!

    • Danielle Dixon profile image


      4 years ago from Trinidad and Tobago

      Love this. Lol.

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 

      4 years ago from England

      Seems a lot of hard work going on here to achieve immortality! lol! some people do blood transfusions and even hormones from sheep or something, can't remember who or what! funny stuff!


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