The Loneliness of a Psychotic Disorder
I feel alone, although I am surrounded by people that love and care for me. It is not emotional loneliness, it its the loneliness of understanding. No one understands me. I think many people with psychotic disorders would get this. How do you share your inner world, one that is so different from the consensus reality? When I talk about it, people tend to get uncomfortable. They will often change the subject quickly. Some people listen, but still don't know how to respond. I do get sympathy. That is at least something. People rarely ask questions when I am talking about my reality. I think they don't want to know. They want me to be normal. Honestly, I want to be normal too. But my thoughts and inner world won't let me. Even on my most "normal" days, I don't feel like I'm living in consensus reality. It seems foreign to me. There is a barrier that separates me from other people. I know what normal feels like, as I used to live there before I stepped through the doorway to a new reality seven and a half years ago. I can't get back there. I've tried. Sometimes I feel I partially succeed. But I'm never really there. That place is barred to me.
My "reality" feels different. The deeper I go, the more surreal it feels. I am not sure if it is real. Consensus reality feels like the true reality. Mine feels like a dream. Sometimes I wonder is my brain just isn't working correctly, and I'm in some sort of waking dream. It would explain a lot of things. Most of the time it just feels slightly unreal. There seem to be different levels of consciousness. I never feel like I'm in the full waking consciousness, the alpha state. Maybe my brain waves are just stuck in the dream state.
I can function most of the time in the day-to-day world. It can be hard sometimes. Time seems off. Often it feels like an ever-present NOW. As long as I keep really organized, I can cope with daily life. I have to write a to-do list every day to keep track of what I need to do. It's the only way I can function. Checking off things on my list gives me a sense of time moving forward. It gives me a sense of connection to the real world.
I couldn't make it on my own. My partner is a life-saver. He cares for me both financially and emotionally. I don't know what I'd do without him. He has created an environment where I can cope with life. My responsibilities are limited. I do the cooking and cleaning, and take care of the dog. He got the dog so I would have a companion while he's at work. If I had to manage on my own, I wouldn't be able to do it.
My partner is the one who I can talk to with the most understanding. It sometimes stresses me out to talk about my inner world, but with him I can at least find a sympathetic ear. He has been able to deal with me, even in my worst moments. When I am falling apart. His presence is calming. I feel secure with him. He is there when I need him.
People think I am strange. I don't like it. I don't want to be strange. I want to be normal. For the most part, I appear to be normal. I stay home most of the time, but when I go out to eat or shopping, you would think I was like everyone else. But when I confide my thoughts to people, they just think I am crazy or weird. With my family, I don't do this anymore. I don't want them to be uncomfortable, worry about me, or keep their distance. Thus I pretend I am not having trouble most of the time. I pretend to be normal.
There is not much I can do about it. I have considered going back to therapy, simply so I can have someone to talk to about my inner world. For some reason, talking makes me feel better even if it may be stressful at times. Writing makes me feel better too. Getting my thoughts out helps to put things in perspective. It's also an emotional release.