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The Long Wait to Get Pregnant

Updated on July 11, 2015
The Long Wait to Get Pregnant
The Long Wait to Get Pregnant | Source

So I have looked forward to having my own family, and a house full of children, from when I was still small. I knew one day I would be a great mother.

I used to take care of my own baby dolls as if I were already a mom. I felt like I knew everything there was about caring for children.

When I became a teenager, I started babysitting for all of the families in my neighborhood. I watched children from infancy through school age and loved it!

As my 20s creeped up on me, I knew that it was just a matter of time before I found the right one to spend my life with and we would begin our own family.

At 23 I bought my first home and started my career as an elementary school teacher. I figured that since I couldn’t have my own little ones, having a classroom full of them every day would be enough to satisfy me.

Unfortunately, every year that went by, I loved children even more and my desire to have my own grew at an unbelievable rate. I even considered starting a family without a husband, that maybe things would just be a little backward for me.

I met my husband at 28 years old, but it took another 3 years before he proposed and we got married.

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The Irony

I think about this all the time. Teenagers are taught to protect themselves during intercourse to make sure that they don’t get pregnant unexpectedly, but the rates for teenage pregnancy are higher than ever.

However, especially as couples are waiting longer and longer, and are consistently getting married at older ages than ever before, the rate of infertility and couples needing to seek alternatives ways to start a family have also grown exponentially.

It’s as if things are backwards and it’s teenagers that are meant to get pregnant and not couples that have waited for marriage. It doesn’t seem fair.

So my husband and I have been trying to conceive (TTC) for about a year and a half now with no luck. But we join the ranks of at least 15% of other couples in the United States that are infertile.

Infertility is defined as not being able to get pregnant despite having frequent, unprotected sex for at least a year for most people and six months in certain circumstances. (Mayo Clinic)

Many couples are in exactly the same place we are, whether they have been labeled “infertile” or not, desiring children of their own for a lifetime, only to find that when it’s time to get started, it’s not as easy as it sounds.

The Wait

What ensues is an endless wait for about 20-23 days every month, just waiting to find out if your efforts worked that month, only to be sadly disappointed at the end of every nail-biting waiting period.

Couples, but mainly women, end up asking themselves if they are doing something wrong or if something is wrong with them.

They visit the doctor, read every book on the market about fertility, getting pregnant and how to increase the chances of conception, and even consider alternative options.

Most couples jump through hoops to lay on their backs for 15 minutes after intimacy with their hips raised, to eat sunflower seeds, watermelon and all of the other recommended foods, and to change just about everything in their lives for the minor chance of possibly conceiving.

The real truth is that only about 10% of women get pregnant in the first couple of months of trying, which raises to 50% in the first six months, 70% in the first nine months, and 80% in the first year naturally with no other obvious problems.

An additional 10% will take another year to conceive, and the last 10% will be considered infertile and will need to consider other methods for a family. Obviously these numbers are just estimates, but most women, given enough time and trying, will conceive all on their own.

But I realize that this doesn’t make you feel any better. Me neither. At 33 years old, conception couldn’t come any slower.

The Long Wait to Get Pregnant
The Long Wait to Get Pregnant | Source

Your Options

Well, you can sit around feeling sorry for yourself, continuing to try month after month making yourself miserable. You could also just stop worrying about it and let it happen naturally.

Chances are, if you simply continue being intimate with your significant other regularly, at least 2-3 times a week, you are keeping yourself healthy with a healthy diet and regular exercise, and I would highly suggest laying off of any medications possible, you’ll likely conceive eventually.

But this is much harder than it sounds. I absolutely hate hearing the words, “Just stop worrying about it” and “You’re not getting pregnant because you’re worrying about it so much.”

When you want a family, especially as you are getting older, it’s impossible to stop thinking about it, but you can let go of the stress. If this isn’t enough?

What are you and your significant other willing to consider?

There are so many great options, that even I hate hearing about, that are available to you.

First, please just go visit your OB/GYN and let him or her know that you are trying to get pregnant and are struggling.

Your doctor should be able to do a simple blood test to see if everything is okay. He or she may have some really simple recommendations for you to try to make your lives a little easier.

If there is something wrong, you’ll likely get detailed information on all of your options from there.

One of these options will include fertility drugs. You can pay as little as $100 for a medication that will release hormones that induce ovulation and make the uterus more receptive to egg implantation.

You could have artificial insemination, where your husband’s sperm is injected straight into your body to increase the chances of your fertilization. This is one of the most common procedures for couples struggling to conceive and is typically used for couples where the man has a low sperm count or slow swimming sperm.

If it’s your husband that is experiencing the infertility or has a genetic disposition neither of you want passed on to children, you could use donor sperm and attempt artificial insemination.

IVF, or in vitro fertilization, is another procedure in which one of your eggs is fertilized by your husband’s sperm outside of your body, and then the egg(s) is implanted into your uterus. This is not a guarantee that you’ll get pregnant, but more of assistance on the doctor’s part to help you.

If it is you experiencing the infertility and not your husband, you could use donor eggs, or donor embryos, and try IVF. The egg would use your husband’s sperm, the embryo would already be fertilized from another couple. (Parents)

You could try surrogacy, usually used in the case that both partners are infertile, in which another woman carries your child for you. She could carry a donor egg or a donor embryo, or any combination of the above in order to assist you in having your own child.

Finally, there is adoption. I think most people understand the adoption process, in which you legal state, in a court of law, that you now claim a child that is not yours biologically, and/or was not conceived by your means. Many couples are able to adopt newborn babies.

Obviously there are more, but much more complicated options, but if you find yourself in need of any of those, your doctor will be there to walk you through the process, and you’ll likely know way more than I do at that point.

The Long Wait to Get Pregnant
The Long Wait to Get Pregnant | Source

Even Worse

What hurts even more, is when conception is achieved, whether naturally or with medical help, and you lose the baby.

My husband and I have now lost a number of pregnancies, because my body is struggling to actually hold on to my embryos. We can be pregnant one day, and find out after a week or more that I no longer am.

Of course, it’s much more traumatic than just that, but you get the point. I’ve even talked to mothers that have been 4 to 6 months along and were picking out the name of their child and setting up the nursery, only to lose the baby.

I can’t imagine the pain that these couples are experiencing. My condition is becoming pretty natural around here. But there are no guarantees at any step in this process.

The Conclusion

You may not get pregnant naturally and one of more of these options may not work for you, or even be an option. But if you truly want children, it will happen, likely in the most unexpected way.

I know this doesn’t solve your pain and heartache. I’m there with you.

I only mean to give you support that you are not alone, and hope that there is a future that includes children for you and your spouse.

What we did was to schedule a deadline for getting pregnant naturally. After one year of trying, we gave it one more year before we considered other options.

Though it doesn't make the waiting process easier, at least I know I don't have much longer to wait to consider something else.

Because we would rather not go through the medical costs and pain that accompanies it, our next consideration is fostering to adopting.

Did you know that if you adopt a child you are fostering, the adoption is covered by the state?

Good luck in your efforts!

The Long Wait to Get Pregnant
The Long Wait to Get Pregnant | Source

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© 2014 Victoria Van Ness

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    • profile image

      Rita 21 months ago

      After for about 3years, I started to think I may be having some infertility issues. I began taking different medical prescription for me to get pregnant and to ensure i produce a healthy baby, but all i do did not work out for me. i thought i may never get pregnant again, so i came out for help online, on how to get solution to my problem. my husband, family, and friends, i think you will be fine they were telling me. i could not stop thinking my life will end like without having a baby, so one day i saw some people online saying things about this sorceress woman called Mama jaja, on how she can help people get pregnant. i contacted her, i told her what my problem is. she did a spell for me to get pregnant, also she told after two weeks i should go for check up, which i did, i took a pregnancy test and sure enough it was positive wow! I was so excited. all thanks to the Mama Jaja, pls keep on the good work, for i know there are people out there that still need your help just like me. if you ever need the help of the spiritual woman, you can reach on her email address (mamajajasorceress@yahoo.com)

    • VVanNess profile image
      Author

      Victoria Van Ness 3 years ago from Prescott Valley

      Thank you! The input was very helpful. I really appreciate it! :)

      Thank you also for your wonderful comment. I'll definitely keep you updated.

    • thebiologyofleah profile image

      thebiologyofleah 3 years ago from Massachusetts

      Thank you so much for sharing your experience, hopefully writing this article was somewhat therapeutic for you. I think what makes this article so great is that you not only told your story but you included important facts and stats for other women going through this. I applaud your decision to look into fostering/adopting.

      The best of luck to you in your journey to become a parent.

    • VVanNess profile image
      Author

      Victoria Van Ness 3 years ago from Prescott Valley

      Thank you for your support. I can't imagine the pain that you must have suffered losing your little one after getting all the way to the end. I think I would have totally lost hope.

      But we are still holding out that if we can't have our own naturally, we can still be blessed with a baby one way or another. :) I will have to check out the website you mention and the baby aspirin. Thank you for sharing your painful story and for the wonderful suggestions!

    • profile image

      armywifejen 3 years ago

      I'm sorry for your losses and how long it is taking to have a baby in your arms. I've never had a miscarriage, but I've had a full term loss, and no matter when you lose a baby, it's pretty soul crushing. Babies are such symbols of hope and life, and when it's given for a short time and taken away it (at least for me) seems like you'll never have that hope again until you have another baby.

      Good luck in the next few months as you keep trying! Have you seen the TCOYF website (and system)? Also, I've heard that baby aspirin can help with growing your lining a bit thicker, and it's one of the over the counter things that can't hurt either way!

    • VVanNess profile image
      Author

      Victoria Van Ness 3 years ago from Prescott Valley

      Absolutely! We may end up fostering before it happens naturally for us, but that's perfectly fine too! Good luck in all of your efforts. I really feel for you. :)

      Thank you for sharing!

    • Heather Says profile image

      Heather Rode 3 years ago from Buckeye, Arizona

      This is so good of you to share for others online searching for support. I've struggled with endometriosis and infertility for years now. My other health issues make fertility treatments not even an option. My husband and I have also lost a number of pregnancies, my furthest being four months along. Due to a blood mutation, my body struggles with getting pregnant and then really struggles with staying pregnant. It's hard now especially, being in my 30s and it feels like everyone I ever knew at any stage of my life already has their cute little families. It's definitely a journey. Hopefully we'll both be pregnant soon! :)

    • VVanNess profile image
      Author

      Victoria Van Ness 3 years ago from Prescott Valley

      Thanks! I appreciate the support and wonderful comments!

    • amiebutchko profile image

      Amie Butchko 3 years ago from Warwick, NY

      Great article! I am waiting along with you now for your baby and I know your wait will be well worth it when the time does come and certainly, you will be an amazing mother. I love your above, smart and compassionate strategies. They are very good ones and will help many a couple as they share in this special struggle.

    • VVanNess profile image
      Author

      Victoria Van Ness 3 years ago from Prescott Valley

      I am terrified of needles. Lol I don't think that would work for me. Thank you though. :)

      I'll have to do some research on homeopathy this afternoon though.

    • kidscrafts profile image

      kidscrafts 3 years ago from Ottawa, Canada

      If you have access to both homeopathy and acupuncture.... I would try both.... just to make sure :-) Good luck!

    • VVanNess profile image
      Author

      Victoria Van Ness 3 years ago from Prescott Valley

      Oh, thank you, for the suggestion as well as the link! Homeopathy sounds like a wonderful idea, and my husband would love that too!

      We've even agreed that we'd be okay with fertility drugs. We just don't want to go through, or have to pay for, any of the more complicated procedures or surgeries.

      Thank you so much for your support, and congratulations on finally getting pregnant! I look forward to being there one day, hopefully sooner than later. :)

    • kidscrafts profile image

      kidscrafts 3 years ago from Ottawa, Canada

      It's not an easy situation that you are living; I know, I've been there. I had to take some medications and then I was lucky enough that things worked by themselves after that :-)

      I must say that we got quite discourage at one point because it was not working for quite a while and my husband and I were both tested. We got so discouraged also with the medication that we decided that because we couldn't conceive why not move to another country.... just for fun. We started to fill up an application to move to Canada.... and guess what... than I was pregnant :-) So I moved to Canada almost 7 months pregnant.

      Have you ever considered to see a naturopathic doctor (homeopathy for example). You could also try acupuncture. If I were in your situation now I would also try those avenues. It could help solve the problem of infertility and also not to lose the baby when you are pregnant. I found a link on the internet of such a story : http://bit.ly/1gwOHWV. I am sure you can find more documentation by yourself on the subject.

      Good luck! I hope that you can find a solution to help you soon!

    • VVanNess profile image
      Author

      Victoria Van Ness 3 years ago from Prescott Valley

      Thanks!! I've heard the very same. Wouldn't that be a blessing to adopt a little one and then immediately have a little brother or sister on the way?!!

      That makes me even more motivated to get out there and start checking out some of our other options seriously. We still have about 5-6 more months before our one more year is up. lol I'm ready, but my husband wants to give it a little longer.

    • swilliams profile image

      Emunah La Paz 3 years ago from Arizona

      Great article VVanNess! It's true that by adopting a foster child is covered by the state. I have know of seven women in my church community that have done so, this option worked out great! In some cases I have heard of women who become pregnant after adopting, perhaps the reason behind the outcome is that they are at peace with their circumstances and then nature takes its course. Stay motivated in your journey to have a baby victory awaits! Many Blessings!

    • VVanNess profile image
      Author

      Victoria Van Ness 3 years ago from Prescott Valley

      Thank you so much, not only for your support and wonderful comments, but for your selfless and very thoughtful donation.

      It may just be me that needs a donor egg one day and I'll have women like you to thank for being so generous!

    • Fateslayer99 profile image

      Fateslayer99 3 years ago from North Carolina

      You seem like an amazing person and I really enjoy your hubs. This one in particular spoke out to me because I couldn't imagine going through something like this. I really admire your honesty and views towards this subject because it can be a really tough one for those trying to conceive and even those who aren't.

      I'm only a freshman in college now, but I dream of having my own children someday. Last semester I donated my eggs so that couples who are struggling with infertility would be able to use my eggs to start a family and have a child of their own. I've had a lot of backlash from my parents, who disowned me for a few months, and a lot of support from my friends, some who also applied to be an egg donor.

      I wish you good luck with this. You'll be an amazing parent someday :)

      -Heather

    • VVanNess profile image
      Author

      Victoria Van Ness 3 years ago from Prescott Valley

      Thank you!! I would love to have any children in my home, especially if I could help some out that don't have loving families.

      I know that even if we were plenty successful in having our own children, we still had it in our plan to welcome others that we adopted into our home. It's nice to have your perspective on the matter! Thank you!

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 3 years ago from Olympia, WA

      I greatly appreciate your honesty in sharing your feelings, Victoria. I'm sure many couples will appreciate this too. I'm the product of adoption and I had a marvelous childhood....best wishes to you and I hope that your dreams come true soon.