The Mentally Ill Can Not Live Normal Lives
Married to Bi Polar
There is a tremendous lie that is in our society. A lie that causes such heart ache and grief that it robs one of hope, life, dreams and joy. It brings such weights of despair, heart ache, hardships and the dread of passing it on that a life full of hope suddenly becomes hopeless. What is this lie that weighs us down? It's the lie that a manic depressant or bi polar person can live a healthy, normal life.
Let us back up for just a minute. what is it to be a manic depressant/bi polar person? Manic depressant is the same thing as being bi polar Manic depressant simply got a new name after the Ronald Reagan administration cut the mental heath funds. Releasing thousands and thousands of mentally ill people into the streets as the mental heath providers assured America they would be fine and could live next to us with no ill effect. Many of these people became homeless and ultimately disrupting a million lives.
So what does it mean to be Bipolar? Here is an insert taken from webmd.com
"Bipolar disorder is a complex disorder that likely stems from a combination of genetic and non-genetic factors. The mood episodes associated with it involve clinical depression or mania (extreme elation and high energy) with periods of normal mood and energy in between episodes. The severity of mood episodes can range from very mild to extreme, and they can happen gradually or suddenly within a time frame of days to weeks. When discrete mood episodes happen four or more times per year, the process is called rapid cycling. Rapid cycling should not be confused with very frequent moment-to-moment changes in mood, which can sometimes occur in people with bipolar disorder or other conditions such as borderline personality disorder.
Along with manic or depressive episodes, patients with bipolar disorder may have disturbances in thinking. They may also have distortions of perception and impairment in social functioning.
Severity of symptoms varies with individuals who have bipolar disorder.
Marked by relapses and remissions, bipolar disorder has a high rate of recurrence if untreated. Patients with severe mania usually require hospitalization to keep them from risky behaviors. Those who are severely depressed also might need hospitalization to keep them from acting on suicidal thoughts or psychotic symptoms (delusions, hallucinations, disorganized thinking).
About 90% of individuals with bipolar I disorder, which is the more serious form, have at least one psychiatric hospitalization. Two out of three will have two or more hospitalizations in their lifetime. *Taken from http://www.webmd.com/"
I was married for 7 years and 5 months. During the course of this time my views changed, my willingness to understand changed and my dreams were crushed. My heart was torn out and trampled on and with every breath fear raged through my soul.
We had dated for 1 year, which in that time he was charming and kind. He was wonderful with children, supportive and loving. He paid for everything and never showed any signs of financial worries.
I'll never forget the day before our wedding when standing before two girlfriends he blurted out he was bi polar. I honestly had not heard of it and really knew nothing of it One friend perked up and said "Oh that is not a big deal." With the wedding in the morning I really forgot about it as quickly as it was blurted out.
The following day we got married and I was excited and nervous. The moment the I do's were given a light switch flipped and this person I thought I knew turned into someone very cold and very disturbed. .I would not start seeing it for another week and it would be almost two years later that someone would mention his lack of regard for me after the wedding. We had been hit with a terrible storm and i watched my fondue fly over my head, while I searched for him. Knowing my son was safe inside I was out in the storm trying to find him. He was inside eating and when asked where I was he just kept on eating. I had no idea until 2 years later. Why no one said anything to me I will never understand.
There is no point in telling the entire story but I want to mention some of my experiences with him that are all but to common with this mental disorder. A disorder the mental health community has deemed OK to marry and to live with. There is nothing normal, there is nothing good about his condition. It is heart breaking and I would never wish it on someone but the facts are here. There is no way that you will ever have anything but struggles when marrying a bi polar person.
I tried for several years to find information that was not a standard text as quoted above and was never able to find anything. Initially, I really wanted to help him and understand this. Falsely believing it could be helped and everything was going to be OK I sought answers. After five years I attempted to find help to get out, I was unable to even find a support group. I started seeking counseling to help to deal with all of the stress and hardships. I tried to find funds to help me move but there were none. I had to do it on my own. NO ONE would help me. It took me another 2.5 years after counseling.
Understand it is more than financial in this situation it is emotional as well. There are some that will say well you just leave but it is never that easy.
As soon as we were married he became distant and cold. He would just sit and stare out into no where. Sometimes he would sit and hold his head while his eyes darted from side to side. It was something I'd never seen and I was unable to understand why he ignored me.
This became a daily thing that floated through the next 7 years of my life. It took it's emotional toll on me in ways I never dream. My once healthy relationship with my son had deteriorated. It effects all of your relationships and it does hurt the children. I can honestly say it was not worth it. Being married to a bi polar person leaves you responsible for them in a way that prevents you from fulfilling your dreams. You will not have your needs met. You will not become a better person. You will have to sink to very low levels that no one should be put in.
Another trait that is common is using something like religion as a weapon to justify all they do. My ex even went as far to tell me I had no rights to anything. He claimed I did not even have a right to my clothing, which he took from me. He destroyed everything I had, everything my son had. Even my grandmothers notes to me from the years past. She had passed away years before hand. If I tried to better myself he would say nothing was good enough for me. He truly believed living in poverty and suffering was a Godly gift that we should embrace. There is no exaggeration here, so I beg of you to take this as a strong warning.
My attempts to find help was used as a weapon against me and he would make many false accusations. Hoarders are often bi polar and he was no exception. His hoarding was horrific and it was sickening. One of our neighbors called code on him and due to my distaste for his life style choice he accused me. He also would accuse me of bad mouthing him when indeed it was the other way around. People that are bi polar are often paranoid and under the belieth that everyone is out to get them..
Bi polar people live in a fantasy it does not matter if it is true or not, in their minds it is. Therefore you are either attacking them or lieing. They are paranoid and they will spy on your every move. A girlfriend of mine who was married for 10 years to a bi polar man tells the perfect story that and we "all" share similar stories.
She was standing in the kitchen with her daughter when her daughter asked if she could ask her dad for something. She said "Go on and ask right now." Her daughter giggled and said "He isn't here." Her response was "It's OK he will hear you." So the daughter thinking her mum was crazy asked her question. Within a few minutes her dad called and gave his answer.
You may never find how they pull these horrible acts of distrust but they will track your every move. You can have your own accounts and never give a password or have a paper trail and yet they will know to the penny how much money you have. In my case the more money I made the less he did. During the seven years of marriage I spent 10 k on fixing the house, after he gutted it and refused to fix. He left to buy materials and instead came back with a boat and a car that belonged in a dump. I bailed him out of foreclosure twice. I paid for all the repairs on my car, which was not allowed to be in my name. When the car died he said I had no rights to it or the tires that I had just paid 600 for. I bought a new car which angered him because I did not ask permission nor did I put it in his name on it. They want to control everything you do or say and in my ex husbands case he really believed he had a right due to being a man.
It goes pass communication issues or financial issues. It surpasses mistrust and being accepted. Their is no support from these people. You will be married and on your own. You fight going "crazy" yourself. BI polar people intentionally or not are abusive spouses. They lust after other people are often addicted to porn and care less if the children see it. Everything, everyday is complete destruction.
My ex would rather destroy me and my son than to get help or clean up after himself. A bi polar marriage is a self destruct button that should be forewarned and understood before marrying. No matter how much one may think it will be different for them it will not. Divorce rates for these marriages are 90% higher than a none bipolar marriage and many end in suicide and murder.
There are other behaviors that are mind blowing other than what I've mentioned. What I lived through, what many people have lived through changes you so drastically in ways that are not good that the pain lives on. There is extreme jealousy that can be very dangerous. The inability to provide for their families or to complete any project. They are awesome at moving things from point A to point B but they can not do much more than that. Everything is to an extreme and they fully believe you should run with them on every whim. If you do not you are attacking them. Therefore, there is no way of communicating with them. They can not handle it. They can not handle direction or advice and will refuse it. All of these things are attacks so there is no helping them.
There are only a few people who suffer from bi polar disease that accept medication and that i works. IT is disheartening but the truth is these people should never marry. Especially with the understanding that this disease is hereditary. Sadly, these people really need to be in mental heath facilities where their perfect worlds can be controlled. There is nothing healthy or normal about being mentally ill. Marrying these people knowingly or unknowingly will never be normal or healthy.
I know how desperately my ex wanted to be normal and I know he really thought he could be but if it were possible he would not be mentally ill. Please, do not take such great compassion that you give your life and your children s. You can not have a healthy relationship with a bi polar person. It is impossible.
There are many things I would change if I could go back in time. I wish I had had more information or had met someone that had gone through this. It would had spared me and my son 7 years of heart ache. So let this be your warning and a beginning of understanding the dark world of being married to bi polar.