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The Process of Loss
...Death is not a stranger nor is loss some recluse. They impede upon all of our lives, at some point, as it chooses......
The Separation Process
When I was told that my father had died, which was some years ago, the initial shock was a devastating blow. I stood there for a minute to collect myself. I couldn't believe it. My words vanished at first but then came the questions, why, what happened? My mom had preceded him in death and now I was left without parents.
I couldn't grasp it. It was to hard for me. I didn't cry much at first, but as time went on, every old man his age group reminded me of him and then came the tears, and the heartache that forced me to accept that he was gone. It wasn't fair, I needed my father. He was gone too soon. I walked into a restaurant to make a purchase and there sitting at the table was a group of retired old men my father's age group, I turned around and walked back out holding back the tears and to the point of breaking down in sorrow. My Daddy, my daddy.
The initial Separation of a Loss can result in feelings of:
Somewhere in the Process displays one or more of the emotions listed.
I was robbed of the chance to say goodbye. I was denied the opportunity to make amends of any wrongs I may have done that could possibly have affected our relationship. I wanted everything to be right between us. Everything.
The Process of Life implies that it is a time and a season for everything under the heavens. There is nothing new that we have experienced or are yet to experience in this life.
Ecclesiastes 3:2, 4 ....a time to be born and a time to die..., verse 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
Excerpt from Edgar Allan Poe's Annabel Lee
Separation in unexpected Loss
I love this story designed for the young, in explanation of loss in a friend, relationship. The story depicts two youngsters playing and enjoying each others company, when a strong wind kills the little girl. It replicates how our lives can be mimicked the same way. Story books with vibrant pictures is a good way to explain why the Separation in Loss to the very young.
Especially young children, do not understand the Separation Process in sudden Loss. It makes no sense to them to see you today healthy, happy and sound and gone the next day. The business that they are "just sleeping", can only hold up for so long til we have to have more concrete facts and details that is simple enough for the more advanced mind to grab hold of.
With the murder rate in inner cities involving youth on the rise, our knowledge in explaining has to be equipped to handle the unordinary circumstances surrounding such deaths. Children every where are experiencing death of classmates, siblings, premature death of parents in tragic accidents and death of unnatural causes such as drugs, alcohol and suicide.
Death is all around us so that when we deal with our children we must to a minimal degree, tell them the truth. "It is appointed once for man to die"......... so why not tell them the truth. They are being taught the truth about every thing else, why not for the things that matter most, the Loss of something so great to them that a lie cannot suffice.
So many fond and rich memories, for some, never to be experienced again. It just makes no sense to them but as we show them the world around them in a picturesque sense, can they begin to understand some things toppled with love and wisdom which will help them digest the Loss.
Sudden loss maybe the hardest loss to mentally absorb because there's no warning or one that we pay attention to. But in any respect it speaks for it's self because it is something we no longer have.
Helping Your Child Deal With Death - Kidshealth.org Emotions & Behavior
How do you make an Adjustment after you have been dealt with much devastation and Loss. How do you tell yourself that, "this to shall pass." Our world is experiencing a lot of disaster and ruin with much Loss, but God does not want us to be afraid, but to trust in Him. It is the Righteous that He will not suffer to be moved.
His Word says, "that He will keep your foot from being snared," In verse 26 of Proverbs Chapter 3
To put things back into their proper perspective after a great Loss takes a lot of soul searching and total trust in God. Everything came from God and one day all things must go back to Him. With that in mind,
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Psalms 24:1 The earth is the Lord's and the fullness there of, and all the things that dwell therein......
God prepares us for situations beyond our control by experiences in our every day lives. We have to watch and pray for God's will to be our will so that we have a foundation to build from. To encourage a dying world that it can be well with them is to suggest to them that God is real and that He can and will help them if they put their trust in Him. Not to say that God does not help sinners but he does not have to because of certain promises in His will.
Just like a natural will, we allocate our substance to whoever survives us of our own choosing. We would not allow a stranger to inherit our fortune that was designed for an heir.
If a natural Father is concerned about the well fare of his children, would a spiritual Father not feel the same way and more. Natural fathers are limited as to what they can do but God can ease the pain, mend the broken hearted and turn a negative situation all the way around. So as children, we turn to God so that He can provide the comfort that we need. As creation, we confess our faults, repent of our sins, believe in our hearts that Jesus rose from the dead, ask for forgiveness, invite him into our life and thank Him for saving us.
"Earth knows no sorrow that heaven cannot heal."
In our natural lives we are always confronted with loses of various magnitudes, whether we are affected directly or indirectly, we will feel the effects of the Loss. In any Loss at any level, it is not designed to destroy us for "No weapon formed against us shall prosper." Isaiah 54:17
But because of the gross sin that is in the world, Christians do die, Christians do lose out but God has made a way out for us if we choose to follow Him. We don't have to die twice, naturally and spiritually by way of eternal damnation.
It was never God's desire for us to die or have such tragedies in our lives beyond human reasoning and understanding. Biblically speaking, God's intention is to do away with death and everything that it entails, permanently, according to:
Revelation 21:4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
It's the trials and tribulations of life that prepares us to not only be who we are but for what is to come. No matter the ordeal, we can start over by getting the help we need from support groups, STEP programs, Salvation Armies, Red Cross and the list is endless. But by all means, reach out. Don't let life pass you by. There is help!
We all lose something along the road of our journey in life. Some things we can avoid, if we give up our own selfish will that separates us from the love of God, and some things are not so avoidable. Its just the Process of Life.
This to shall pass
The storms of life brings beauty
Job 42:10 ....the Lord made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before.
Genesis 5:25 Adam lay with his wife again, and she gave birth to a son and named him Seth, saying, "God has granted me another child in place of Abel, since Cain killed him.
John 11:43, 44 When he had said this, Jesus, called in a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out!" v.44 The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them, "take off the grave clothes and let him go."
These scriptures define what God can and will do for those that love Him and are called according to His purposes. He can restore all things that have gotten away from us. Even in death situations, nothing is impossible with God, but it takes great faith to believe that.
The Process of Restoration brings us back full circle. If we do not become bitter or resentful, we can get back double for our trouble. God knows how to put the pieces back together from a life shattered by loss. He knows how to give us beauty for ashes. Every situation going through The Process can do so in victory, but only by the grace of God.
There are spiritual support groups that have Process Step Plans; if you have trouble locating one or the rates are to much, organize your own. You be the Restoration that you need by standing up and stepping out.
Can we open our hearts for God to heal the hurt from a Loss or allow the opposing forces to run us the other way and anguish away in the hurts? God is real and I am convinced that nothing just happens.
Online Resource - GriefNet
A website that provides information and resources related to death, dying, bereavement, and major emotional and physical losses.
"Every person who experiences a death or other loss must complete a four-step grieving process professionally speaken:
- Accept the loss.
- Work through and feel the physical and emotional pain of grief.
- Adjust to living in a world without the person or item lost.
- Move on with life.
The grieving process is over only when a person completes the four steps."
On the road to recovery, it may have a lot of twist and turns and it may be long and narrow, but it helps us to be able to help others who will ultimately go through similar situations and circumstances. God saves us to help others, not just for our families and ourselves.
Sometimes life does not make sense but in death, there is no sense to be made.
Get on the road to recovery and do not look back. The benefits are in front of you not behind you. After a while I was able to embrace concerning my fathers death the ability to see a group of middle age men and not run in the opposite direction in tears.
Only time will bring about change, that includes healing and Restoration.
The Road to Recovery
Sometimes the road to recovery is a road that has to be travelled alone. Every one will not understand what it is that you personally are going through. You have to decipher in your own mind what needs to be readjusted in your thought process and kick out the doubts, worries and unbelief. Negative thinking toppled with a Loss always delays the healing Process.
People, friends and families may mean well, they maybe able to impart into your life to help comfort and support you and be that shoulder to lean on but the inner healing begins with us individually. Counseling is always wisdom so it should always be utilized as well, especially when the Loss results in depression.
The conclusion to The Process of Loss
There are many forms of Loss: Loss of a job, sound health, a home, entire cities, funds, relationships and life. As we Process, we must understand that everything has to die, at some point in time. Everything has to go in preparation for the destination of this course in life. The ultimate Loss. But every Loss does not have to be tragic or sorrowful.
I loss some things in my life that caused me much grief. I had to learn to put God first before my own ideas so that I was not running ahead of Him and not costing myself in the long run. I had to learn through the Process that some things come and some things go and it's a never ending cycle. Of course there are some things that do remain.
After experiencing Loss, it felt like the end of the world, my little world. My adjustment Processes were long and extreme and it made my time of restoration that much longer of a road to get to. Through it all I did learn that Losses are counted as gain, meaning that there is so much more to life but we have the propensity to only focus on our own little world and shut the rest of the world out, in some instances.
My experiences brought me to elaborate on the matter of Processing in a Loss. The different phases of Loss in my opinion were compacted to the following: Separation, Adjustment and Restoration. If I can Separate my feelings from the horrible emotions associated with Loss; I can adjust my mind set to the changes from Loss and thus begin to be restored from the harsh realities of the Loss.