- Death & Loss of Life
The Rayni Pledge - Rely on God
Rayni prayed every night. When she did, she did it silently. I would often say something to her, forgetting she had said, "Mom, I'm going to pray." She'd quickly remind me, "I'm praying mom." I always prayed that she would have a closer relationship with God than I ever felt I had. I prayed each night after she fell asleep, with my hand on her back or her chest, "God, please heal her. Please heal her the way I want her healed, but if you're healing comes in a different form than I want, I will still love you." For such a short pray, it was the hardest, most thought filled prayer I ever prayed. I thought about each word and I believed each word. I do still love God. I don't understand. In the 15 yrs 5 months Rayni lived on this Earth, I can't remember ever being angry with God about her illness. Although, I know that is something some parents to have to deal with. But, in this process of Grief, I have found myself being angry. Being angry that I don't understand why and being angry that he won't allow me to come be with her now. It's not a deep anger, but I am mad and I tell him that. And, I know he loves me anyway.
There are many times throughout Rayni's life I believe she was the recipient of God's healing miracles. I also believe that just her life was a miracle, the way it was blessed with love and the way it blessed others.
Rayni and I didn't take things for granted. We saw the beautiful sky, the flowers, the butterflies, the babies, and we recognized those were great and wondrous works of God. We often talked about how he did so good and what a great God he was to give us all those things to enjoy. We also talked about how it was hard to imagine Heaven being more beautiful than the natural beauty of this Earth he created, but we knew it would be.
I told Rayni as she passed (although I have no idea if she heard me), "You will see me in a second." I know that's right, it will be no time at all for her, but this time I'm still here, it's too many seconds, too many days, too many weeks, too many months. I will rely on God to let me go when the time is right, but I sometimes find myself begging him to let me come to him and to Rayni.
I know so many families through Miracle Club and through Rayni that rely on God, they rely on his daily blessings of love between them and their children, they rely on him to be with doctors and nurses and to be with them when they're making decisions. I know parents who are in a position like me and they rely on God to help them make it through the day and make it to the day they can be with their child again.