The Woes of the Silent
In this dark despair, I grasp for air
In the waking of every morning, I disdain to open my eyes
Because the darkness of the night remains alive, as if not letting in the light
The pains that have gone by left a mark that is certain to break apart
The warmth of the morning is not able to break the cold heart
The traps of nightmares are too strong to break apart
One failure takes on every goal; it breaks the heart to the bones
It creates a hole that seems to be unfixable
Unbearable as it is, the desire to move on is strong
Setting aside the pain and trying to focus on the sun as it shines
Pulling on the chains of this hard bound baggage
I struggle to live, I struggle to survive and I hope so much to breathe again
PTSD: The Chains of the Past
I often hear this line "Despise what was done to you- but do not despise the person who did it to you"
When it comes to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, the failure to forget is eminent. Although the desire is strong, the past seems to catch up just like that. For those who may have been diagnosed with PTSD or who have a strong feeling that they are experiencing the symptoms of this mental imbalance, the effects of the past can take over whatever is happening at present.
This is especially true for rape victims whose attackers were considered clean and acceptable. The violations made upon them by their attacker lingers in their heads- the sad thing is, the whole picture repeats in their minds like a movie they despise to watch, but then it keeps on playing. The vindication of their attacker is their personal failure.
The reality of this emotion and the effect of such experiences to the victim ought not be misrepresented nor should it be ignored. Rape victims often have the hardest time telling people about the situation because they fear that they may be misjudged- considered weak- or worse, that they may be considered to "like what has been done to them".
The sad thing is, more would listen to the silent attacker, than with the victim.
Despising what was done to you and not despising the one who did it to you takes courage. At some point, it really is impossible to separate the two- the attacker and the victimization that happened. The human mind is only able to process a memory as a single entry- and this is especially true about sufferers of PTSD.
The worse thing is when the sufferer is mistakenly considered "unforgiving" just because she cannot withstand the presence of her attacker. Rape victims need to muster all the courage they could get just to be able to live life normally again. With the fear of being misjudged by everyone else, the victim becomes solely dedicated to surviving on her own- however, everything becomes harder to push through with the evident existence of the attacker as the "charming knight in shining armor" to everyone else.
Psychiatrists have adapted the term Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in order to define this condition. The continuous pressing event by which the victim is required to stay within the midst of the attacker and pretend that everything is alright makes the situation worse for the one suffering from C-PTSD.
The movie Speak (2004) starring Kristen Stewart captured my attention when I was looking for something to watch in YouTube. I did not know it was about rape issues, but then again, when I saw it, I realized how important it was for victims to SPEAK OUT and how distinctively hard it was to do.
The fears, the notions, the condition of thoughts that exists in the mind of the victim causes her to falter- these thoughts, as they are kept inside eats up the entire being of the person being conformed to living life under pressuring circumstances.
As I was watching the film, the relief on the time when a bunch of girls told her attacker "we know what you did- We all know what you did" was exceptional. It was a turning point for the victim to finally speak out. It was relieving to know that she was not alone- which she thought she was at first. It felt good to know that her attacker cannot fool anyone anymore.
Psychiatrists mention that the realization of the fact that they were abused and that they are understood by those surrounding them is a helpful element in the process of recovering from the pain that the past has chained them to.
Its like living in darkness
Not Speaking seems to be the Best Escape
Escaping from the past can be so tiring and exhausting.
It does not let you sleep in peace- it does not make you move on. It seems like no matter how you want to let go of such thoughts, the past comes alone and breaks you down-even when you start to believe that you could still possibly survive from all these.
Keeping silent seems to be the best escape. It covers you from all possible misjudgment- it takes the pressure of answering questions off your shoulder; but then it keeps you in chains. As your attacker becomes the best person everyone knows, you begin to sink in and die in your own soul. You smile, you laugh to cover all up- in the end, you'll find that it's when you speak out that you finally are doing something for yourself. It takes courage, it takes time- but somehow, you have go to find the courage in you to face it and try to move on to a better life.