The problem is that I can't stop.
The fridge is calling my name. I have already had three beers and something is drawing me back. I try to push it out of my mind but I react anyway. My legs moving on there own taking me back again and again. I reach into the cooler grabbing my fourth ice cold beer. The cold is so comforting for me. I guzzle down three more. But once I hit a certain stage I have no control. suddenly I feel the urge to switch to something stronger. I don't know where it coming from, but it welling up in my chest. Next thing I know I am back in the kitchen.
I remember there is a liquor bottle in the kitchen. I suddenly get overly excited, I can't stop my body from moving. I hear the voices telling me it's all wrong, but the force is pulling me closer anyway. I feel a magnetic pull drawing me closer to the freezer where the alcohol lies. I stand in front of the icebox for a second, debating on if I should continue through the process I was originally planning. As I take a deep inhale, and then close my eyes, I find myself reaching for the door handle. I had already had alot to drink, the world was spinning. I feel depressed for some reason, the feeling overwhelms me and I feel if I supress the feeling with drinks, it just may dissapear. Next thing I know I am feeling the cool on my face, the fog leaves the freezer and enters the kitchen like a mist of cloud around my body. The cool feels so nice I refuse to close the freezer door, as I inhale the mist through my nose. I stand there for a minute with my eyes closed feeling the cold invade my body. Then I open my eyes and the first thing I see is the wonderful frosted bottle. The tequila was staring my right in the face, and I can't look away. The mist has faded by now and I see clearly the wonderful clear liquid that filled the bottle. I forced myself to make a move, what could be the next step. I ignore all the feelings I have telling me to stop. I am eager to skip to the 5th step. The power of drinking overwhelms me and suddenly I ignore all logic and reach for the bottle anyway. I feel the frosted cold rest on my hand and I feel realived as I take a slow exhale. I don't waste time closing the freezer door as I am still comfortable in the abnormal amount of cold.
As I see my hand reaching for the lid, I suddenly managed to twist the cap off and before I have time to think, I am feeling the sting of liquor on my throte. I skipped the time wasted on a cup nor did I worry with closing the freezer door. I guzzled down a couple gulps then I instantly stopped and the bitter taste kicked in. I made a face to try and ease the pain on my throte. But I ignore it and took another sip. If I take more, then I won't have to be logical or adress any feelings I may be having. I don't know how to adress them, so I take another gulp. More and more each time.
Linked to my depression
The fact is...
The fact is, I am an alcoholic. I want to share the fact that that road is not a road you want to go down. No one wants to be that person, I never dreamed of becoming who I did, I just became it. Without any control in the matter, I was drunk before remembering taking the first drink.
The fact is, alcohol is not a bad thing, if done in moderation. Nothing is bad if one knows how to manage it. The fact was, I was not handling it properly, nor did I plan on trying to. It wasn't until my girlfriend gave me an ultimatum that I finally opened my eyes and saw who I had become, and it wasn't pretty. I wasn't an attrative person, I wasn't nice and I wasn't causing anyone any good. Which that only made me drink more. I felt worthless and pethetic, but I couldn't stop. I knew I was hurting myself, but I didn't care.
The fact is, I had skipped so many weeks of my life being drunk. I blacked out and I wasn't there. I didn't remember most of hte converstations I had and my pride wouldn't let me listen to what others have told me how I been. My girlfriend told me who I had become, she could see it, but I refused to accept it. I refused to believe that I was such a horrible person. But that is exactly who I was.
The fact is... I over did it. I got roped into an addiction that I didn't know how to get out of. God wasn't going to save me, my girlfriend wasn't going to save me, neither were my friends. All they could do was reveal to me how I was acting, and then it was up to me if I was going to change or not. I had to save myself.
No one can understand unless they been there.
Have you had problems with alcohol before?
When does drinking become a problem?
Everyone can enjoy a drink every now and then, no problem. But what happens when it crossed that line between a social drink, and binge drinking? I thought I was doing ok, until I was spending too much money at the liquor store. It doesn't matter of you drink till your shitfaced, it doesn't matter if you you can say no to one drink. It only becomes a problem when you can't say no, it only becomes a problem when you are drunk more times out of a week then you are sober, and that is what has happend to me. I started out drinking socially, but I let it get out of control. It becomes a problem with life becomes unmanageable.
Alcohol is one of the most addictive substances next to caffeine. I was addicted and it became a problem. It became a problem with my friends and my girlfriend at the time. She was being hurt daily by me and I had no idea... because I was trapped in this hazy world full of messed faces and deformed thoughts.
It becomes a problem to anyone who can't handle it properly. It got to where I was puking every night and I felt dizzy and hungover the entire next day. Before getting over my hangover from the night before I just started drinking again.
It becomes a problem when one spends too much money on getting more alcohol. I found myself buying new bottles everyother day because I managed to finish a whole 30 ounce bottle of telquia in two days. Everytime I went to the gas station is was always an option to buy beer. I got wine whever I could and the liquor was the icing on my cake.
It becomes a problem when you are sick more then you are healthy, during the months that I was binge drinking, I realized that I was constantly feeling nauseous and dizzy, I guzzled down pepto and took pain pills as much as I drank. So not only was I spending money on liquor, I had to spend just as much money on medication to support my habit.
It becomes a poblem when the ones around you start to notice that it is a problem. That is probably the biggest most in your face indicator that you are drinking to much. I had to let it get that far before even considering to stop. My friends kept noticing my that I was drinking more and more each day and they confronted me, but I ignored them. I didn't want to stop, because in my eyes, and the eyes of every alcholic... it wasn't a problem.
I loved the idea of drinking too much to stop.
Basically there is nothing good associated with alcohol abuse. Here are just a few simple facts.
-Inhability to make compitent decesions
The list goes on, its all over the internet.
Health Risks of Alcohol
Binge drinking is dangerous. It acts as a depressant on the central nervous system (CNS). First acting on the parts of the brain that inhibit brain activity. As a result there is a paradoxical stimulation of brain activity and lack of inhibition. People don't make rational deceions when under the influence and the ability to concentrate will be greatly diminished. A gain of confidence overpowers and The rational decesion to think, "maybe I shouldn't get in this car and try to operate it, considering I just took shots," is completely absent. Intoxication gives the idea that there is anything they can't handle. I figured that out when I got in a car after 5 shots, under the illusion that I thought I could drive. I didn't think I was as drunk as I was, when clearly I was wasted. I almost killed myself, and my best friend. As well as the baby that was growing inside her belly. Had I have wrecked that car I could have hurt not only the ones inside my own car, but anyone else that might have been around me on the road. Driving will intoxicated is a felony, I could have gone to prison for man slatter as well as a DUI, had I have killed anyone. That is not a thing that I was willing to live with, not does that look good on my record. Had I have run that car off the road, I would have had to live with that overwhelming guilt for the rest of my life. No one should have to live with guilt eating them up, but that was almost me.
What I didn't know is that I was hurting my liver each time I took another drink. I was tearing up my stomach and my throte with the constant vomitting as well as the harsh 80 proof hitting me everyday. Not to mention I smoked WAY more when I was drunk so I went through more cigarettes then I ever have before. So I was wasting money on that as well! God only knows how much harm chain smoking was doing to me as well. So we confirm that alcohal abuse, is extremely dangerous, It causes so much damage to your liver that it can lead to cirrhosis of the liver and eventual death. Cirrhosis is not reversible.
Inflammation of the pancreas may occur following long-term, heavy drinking. Pancreatitis can interfere with the body's ability to regulate blood sugar levels, leading to abdominal pain and even death.
Alcohol is a depressant, and I was mixing it with my zoloft. Alcohol can make you feel drowsy or lightheaded and this intensifies those same effects in many medications. It can be life-threatening if trying to do anything one would normally do under the influence of alcohol. It throws off your balance and causes the logic to fly out the window. There are aproximately 85,000 deaths per year associated with alcohol abuse in the U.S. Now doesn't that sound like a dangerous risk to take?
Withdrawls. Eventually when one get's so addicted to drinking that they can't stop, they get withdrawls from the substance. And if it is an addiction, sudden withdrawal from alcohol in attempt to quit drinking can cause the body to go through detoxification, causing anxiety, tremors, hallucinations and convulsions. It is good for alcohol abusers to quit, but they should go through the detoxification process in a medical treatment facility to help the body adjust and recover. Any addiction go hand in hand with proper treatment and care, because the withdrawls are a bitch!
Instead of fleeing to a bottle when depressed here are some healthy alternatives.
Hang out with friends
Gain a Hobby
Draw a picture
Take a long shower.
Start a Blog
Read a Book.
What Is An Addiction?
Addiction is the continued repetition of a behavior despite adverse consequences, or a neurological impairment leading to such behaviors.Not just alcohol, but if you are addicted to anything it can cause alot more harm then good. I found myself getting more and more addicted to drinking then anything else. And more and more addicted to smoking as well. All around it was not good for me, or anyone else.
When someone is addicted to something, all the logic of rationality diminishes because everything revovles around the addiction. All money and time is spend supporting the addiction. The only thought running through your mind is, I need more. And it is never enough. The addict must get more, whatever it is, the addiction eventually never gets fed with a set amount and must always get increased to larger quantities.
Staying hydrated can help kick the habit.
I am going to end with this.
The recocery steps won't be easy, but it needs to be done to move on. So Basically what I have been saying is abuse of anything is not good and once you or your loved ones notice that there is a problem, you need to Listen. The problem I was having is I wasn't wanting to listen.
Admit that you have a problem. You can't move untill you admit that there is something wrong there, I know it's hard. I was full of pride and just admitting that I was an alcoholic sickened me. But it does happen and it can be fixed.
One of the biggest problems with alcohol abusers is the fact that they don't want to admit that it is harmful. When in in fact it is.
After admitting that there is a problem, then you can move onto a healthy lifestyle.