The bald truth
My story....... from the beginning
I have had, 3 ops, two small one and one 9 hour one, 3 months of BEP chemotherapy, lost my hair, missed the world cup from being sat in a hospital bed from a infection and was submitted into hospital with pneumonia, also had piles whilst receiving chemo, nearly two years to the day on i have just been told my tutor markers are going up and am going into have scan and test again tomorrow. I am not scared of dying but i don't want to die before I'm ready, i am still smiling and happy and positive, i am sharing this with you today in the hope if you are too going through or have been ill, know someone who was ill, can read this, and gage an idea of what it is actually like, i am starting from the very beginning and will ad as much details as i can! i will post up every day about the different events i faced in the past and any more in the future to come.
When i was 23, i started to discover a lump growing on my right testical, instead of doing what any normal person would have done (got it checked) i decided to leave it. I left it because i lost my dad to Cancer when i was 13 and also because i done the stupid thing and thought i could diagnose myself from google, reading how it could be a cyst ect, but the truth is deep down i knew i had it and i didn't want to be told by someone that i was ill and could possibly die. i put of being the dr for months and telling anyone, i would feel the difference every week and just let it grow.
The decision to let this monster grow was a huge mistake, for one i would lay awake every night just thinking about what i can do and who i can tell, also whats going to happen to me, in february 2014 i started a new job and training down in portsmouth and watched a benefit britain where a bloke thought he had cancer, went n for a scan and had it checked, luckily he wasn't diagnosed with it, but he had some of the symptoms i had, but i had more so i finally went home and told my brother when we was drunk on a night out, was a very sad moment and weird moment crying in a toilet having your brother feel your testical haha! he rang my mum in tears drunk saying he was taking me to A&E that night, my mum in shock managed to calm him down and we went home and arranged a nice family outing the next day to the A&E department.
Finally after having my testical felt several times and scans ect we had a letter come through, saying to attend a meeting on march the 11th the day before my 24th birthday, what are the odds!!! i remember walking upto the hospital with my mum saying i know I've got it, to anyone else who has been through cancer, i don't know if it is the same, but before my dad got diagnosed he said to my my mum he knew he was ill, and i deep down knew i wasn't, its just something inside yourself telling you, giving you warning signs!
As i walked into that room, i looked into the corner there was a nurse sitting in, and then as i looked across to the dr, his face just said it all, his face just said to me, its not good news. As he went on to say that it had spread to my lungs and chest, i will never being the pain come across my mums face, being all these emotions and memories she has been through before. I looked over to the corner of the room to see the nurse crying, i stood up and gave the nurse and my mum a hug and said ' don't worry i will be ok' i think accepting i was ill before i went in helped me receive the news better.
I would go on to leave the room with my mum to be told i would have my testical removed, would need to freeze my sperm, have 3 months of chemo and maybe another op, as i left the hospital i looked at my mum 'Im not going to die am i' and i don't know how she did it but she looked at me without crying, not souring a word and said ' of coarse your not' and gave me a kiss. I didn't cry the whole time in the hospital that day, but when i did ring my brother to tell him the news, i went to speak, froze and had to give the phone to my mu because if i had said one word i would of gone.
obviously i rang round to everyone close to me revealing the news and that it was worse than first thought. I live about 20 mins away from my local hospital, by the time we walked out and drove to my house, i can honestly say there was about 80 percent of my close friends and family there, i didn't know if it was a surprise birthday party or they actually cared hahaha!! it just goes to show that when you really need people, they will be there!
I spent the next hour just greeting friends explaining what was actually said ect, but i also promised everyone, that i would not be upset when they come to see me, i would always smile, because the first thing you do if someone smiles, you smile back. i remember when i used to go see my dad, i could see the pain in his face and straight away i would be upset, so i wanted people to come and see me and feel happy and positive no matter how bad i would of felt!
What followed the diagnosis
After a weekend of being family and enjoying my birthday, i returned to work, as i explained to them about my illness they the next day i got made redundant, and because i was on a 0 hour contract i never received any money. My manager even rang me and said they would still help em out because they felt 'sorry' i can honestly say i have never heard or received any money from them till this day, i never expected anything from anyone but when they say they will, and don't even bother to ask if your ok, it hurt!
Before long my things started to happen, i was taken to oxford to freeze some sperm, because after treatment i may never be able kids again, even before the treatment the cancer might have made me infertile, the building was like something out of the 2090, it was so modern and looked amazing. they managed to find 4 live sperm cells from my samples :) Next up was my first app, the removal of my right testical, having to choose either to have a fake one or be left with just one small one was a no brainer for me! it was a very short op around 40 mins, i was woke up and the first thing i did was feel the fake one haha over the next couple of days my whole inside of my right leg would turn black, i would struggle to get up and even..... yes that that turned black.