The day the sound of silence brought me to my knees and darkness took over.
Sound of Silence
Have you ever heard a silence so loud that it left you deaf? A silence so loud it roars in your ears and causes a darkness that renders you to your knees? That was what it was like the Morning of June 16th, 2014. It was as if someone has sucked the life right out of me. Its as if I was walking and talking in slow motion and out of body.
I woke up around 3:00 am to the strangest sensation and I don't know how or why, however the world seemed to have come to a complete stop and was eerily silent. No house noises, no noises form outside. I lived on active street so the silence was unusual even for that time of the morning. There literally seemed to be no noise. The silence was deafening. I shivered and tried to shake off this ominous feeling. I literally stayed glued to my bed unable to get rid of the feeling that something was terribly wrong, I must have fallen asleep because I awoke with a start at about 6:30 am and I was confused. The silence seemed to have gotten louder and the ominous feeling had magnified . Again I tried to shake it off. I had to get up and see if Ben was taking my car to work or if I was driving him. He had loaned out his car as we did often when my son was in town. It was strange that I didn't hear Ben up, he had to be at work at 7 am. I went downstairs and I didn't hear any movement and called out his name and was greeted with this eery silence. I looked in our spare bedroom and he wasn't there which struck me as even odder. He had been sleeping down there a lot recently because our dog, his beloved cici used to sleep in that room. She was unable to climb stairs and we had had to put her to sleep just two weeks prior . It devastated him.
I am still calling out “where are you?” as I walked through the house, looked out back on our porch, and finally made it to the kitchen and still no Ben. I was very confused, as I was in the kitchen I was able to see that the basement light was on. Strange I said to myself ,we never leave lights on, however maybe he was downstairs and was working out and lost track of time. I called for him and got no response. Our house was built in the 1920s and the stairs were very steep and had a very low header. I stepped down one of the steps and called out and no noise and no answer. So I stepped down another step and leaned forward and out of the way of the header, that is when I saw his feet. I didn't think anything about it because he had a chin up bar and so I continued down and jokingly said “hey goofball? What are you doing? You're going to be late.” and my words just trailed off and my world crashed. All I can hear are screams of OH MY GOD what have you done, what have you done? The screaming doesn't stop as I run towards him and reach out and touch his arm…….so so cold……omg so cold … I have never felt anything like it. The screaming of what have you done and WHY, WHY,WHY…..The universe is screaming and I am running….running and running…….WHY WHY OMG WHY………911 where is your emergency? HUH WHY WHY WHY OMG he hung himself , omg he killed himself……Still running and out of the house and into the arms of my neighbor. I wasn't aware the screams were coming from me. I was screaming so loudly that Tim had heard me from two houses over. Someone is talking and someone is telling Tim he's dead, He's dead!!!! My world had come to a complete stop and the rest came crashing down. It was as if the world had stopped spinning. The silence was back, so loud that it was defeaning. I can hear the roar of the silence in my ears that I think I’ve gone deaf. I was on the phone with 911 and Tim was there, and suddenly my neighbors were coming out……..And almost with a thunderous clap the silence released and the world came alive and there were police, neighbors and friends. In my head the voice was still screaming WHAT HAVE YOU DONE……WHY WHY WHY……..OMG HE KILLED HIMSELF, more police cars , ambulances, and people everywhere. I am lost ….I am confused, I hear my voice, I see myself crying,screaming, talking to police …….I don't understand what I am watching.
And with another sort of thunderous clap everything goes silent with the exception of a man is talking to me, I cant hear him, I think he's a paramedic and suddenly with loud clarity I hear the man say, “Ms…….Ms……I am so sorry, What? WHAT ?? What is he saying? Then I hear the man say as he was touching my arm, “Ms. …..I am so sorry, there is nothing we can do!” I hear the voice screaming NO NO NO, where is BEN??? Ms…..I am sorry it is too late he is gone. I can see myself hitting the man and screaming at him ,"do your fucking job, get him down, try , try, please please, no, no, no," and suddenly the man is bear hugging me, saying he is so sorry. My world went black. I do remember hearing someone say they couldn't take him down because they had to wait for the medical examiner and coroner, and my world has gone back to black, I once again hear someone speaking and saying the ME was there and they should take me somewhere, I believe my girlfriend Kaori brought me to her house............