The other side of Cancer. Playing the waiting game.
Waiting for news and feeling helpless
This will be the hardest most in depth hub you will ever get from me. I don't know what help it will be to others but I need to do this for my own therapy. I am sitting here currently going crazy.
As some know I am in the UK. Making it mid afternoon as I write this hub. Some of you will just be getting in to your day and others will be grateful that they are about to see the end of today and get in to a lovely comfy bed.
So what does that have to do with anything? Well, it means I have been up worrying for hours and still have hours yet to go. I have four kids to look after, so oblivion in the bottle of vodka is not an option. I have to take what is coming cold and hard.
Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you what I am waiting for. Well, I am waiting for Cancer to do one, or rather I am sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for a phone call, as my step father lies helpless and has 4 large Cancerous growths cut out of his neck.
I do not know if he will come out of the operation at all, I do not know if we will ever hear his voice again or if he will never speak the same. He may even have his ear amputated as it is that close. It started in his tonsils and was left to grow because when he went with a lump in the side of his neck a doctor gave him antibiotics and told him to go home. Do doctor's not realize they are playing with people's lives?
Most men I know rarely get to the doctors, so you would think when a man in his 50's goes after probably not seeing them more than once a year, they would raise an eye brow and offer him a biopsy!
Today is D-day and he is having his operation, followed by Chemotherapy and radio therapy. Everyone is saying " let's be positive". I am not allowed to voice my fears for they are negative. Of course I hope what I am worrying about does not come true, I hope he is strong enough to fight this. But I am also no fool and even though I am only in my early 30's I have lost enough people to be scared.
He has already puzzled the doctors as every case they are use to seeing comes from smokers or heavy drinkers. My step father has never touched a cigarette in his life, he hates them and more than 4 tins of beer and he is asleep. The surgeons have already said it is a serious and difficult operation to perform. But my siblings are making me feel as if I am bad for worrying.
This is not new news to me, this is my siblings real father, but I already lost my real father in an accident when he was 42 years old. I am also worrying for them, as I feel they are so one minded that he will be okay that they will fall even harder if he is not.
I wasn't allowed to tell my children either, so they think Granddad has gone to get his tonsils out. What I am meant to do I am not sure. My mother said " it is more practical help we will need" but I have just given up my car and am at home with 4 kids. I don't know what I can do. I feel so helpless and useless it is frustrating.
We now have months if not years of no promises and fighting to gain my step fathers help. A man who held on to his dignity so steadfast that I am scared this will crush him on different levels. And there is not a thing I can do.
An Update on the Battle with Cancer
After I wrote this article on my Stepfather's cancer, we all had the worst time ever. They pulled 4 massive tumors from his neck but 47 nodes. He was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and had 12 weeks of weekly Chemo treatment and radiotherapy.
Last Christmas we had to see him looking 20 years older than his 55 years, he couldn't eat or speak more than a couple of words with out pain or his throat drying. We didn't even know if the treatment had worked.
Over a year later, his check ups have moved to every 3 months and we are still getting clear check ups. He is still frail but is back at work and now going to the gym to try and strengthen himself up. Long battle still to go but after the fearful year we just had, we can all get him through to his 5 year all clear, that is our aim!
Update two..almost 3 years on
We thought we had been lucky. We have of course had mental ups and downs as depression hit. It does not always make us feel lucky to be alive when we come out the other side of cancer, it can leave people depressed and ripped to shreds. It would have been 3 years all clear in September if we had made it that far but we have just been told my Step father has a lump in his abdomen and with the other side affects, we are worried that the horrid cancer is returning. Obviously all we can do is hope it is not so but it does look familiar to us.
I can only hope for something different as we are all still in the midst of surviving. If he is told he has cancer somewhere else, I don't feel he will have the strength or vision to see himself through the other side.
I would ask that everyone hope for the best for our family and I will as usual, update this hub as to what happens.
On the outside looking in
There will be many people coming in and out of my parents home in the next few months. Most of all the lovely and much needed Macmillan nurses. That is what I fear, they are a fantastic team of nurses, but there is somewhat of a tinge of " angels of death" about them because of the very nature of their job.
All I can do is scream these feelings and thoughts in to the abyss of my computer, because I know I can never speak them to my friends or family. So I guess thank you for listening.x