ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

The psychology of a double life

Updated on July 6, 2013
Source

"The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9

It is when the secrets that were once so innocent become more and more complex, the potential consequences more difficult to face, that a once rudimentary, traditional, and singular life becomes a double life that many close friends and family regard as implausible when exposed. Those secrets are difficult to confess because of the shame, anxiety and guilt that they are associated with. The compounding of those simple secrets to eventually complicated and desperate situations that they become creates a metaphorical prison for its creators. Keeping those secrets becomes a lifestyle that, with time, is more and more demanding of its keeper’s time and energy. It is stressful, frustrating and exhausting with sometimes devastating outcomes. It is easy to wonder “Why would anyone want to put themselves through such torture? Why not just confess and move on?!”

Case Studies

More persons than you would imagine have literally gone down a path of destruction as a result of a secret life that spiraled out of control. Many of these persons were considered to be respectable members of their communities before the truth was revealed. Some notable examples are:

  • A respected pediatrician with a small child and a dutiful stay-at-home wife was regularly sneaking off at night to bars, rendezvousing with prostitutes and even getting into fights with some of their pimps.
  • Famed architect Louis Kahn had a wife and daughter, but he also had two other children secretly by two mistresses.
  • Renowned Chief Justice Judge Sol Wachtler, is accused of resorting to blackmail, extortion and threats of kidnapping when his former lover ended their affair.
  • Gary Ridgeway, the Green River Killer, appeared in public and to his wife of 13 years to be a good husband father and employee, but in his double life he had assaulted and murdered at least 48 women.

The Psychology

Recent studies show that 70% of all males and 50% of all females will have an extramarital affair at some point during their marriage. This information suggests that most people will eventually lead a double life.

According to Dr. Sherry Turkle, a sociologist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, some people use online interactive games like Sims Online to create families and communities that they wish they had. She believes that there is deep psychological meaning in how persons are using online identities to express problems and attempt to solve them in a relatively consequence-free environment.

The Fears

Someone whose secrets have become a secret life will usually avoid revealing the truth to family and friends because they are afraid of:

  • Rejection – when those who are close to them realize that they are not who they said they were
  • Judgment – of being a ‘bad’, immoral person
  • Loss of reputation and income – if employers discover that employees' secret activities are not compatible with the image that the employer wants his company to portray
  • Incarceration – if the secret activities are illegal, a potential consequence could be time spent in prison.

These are understandable fears that nobody would want to face. The problem is that not facing them quickly compounds the likelihood of these fears being realized.

The Dangers

The longer someone leads a double life, the more serious the consequences can become. Sometimes in an effort to keep secret activities from being revealed, persons go to unimaginable lengths to protect themselves. Such efforts can include:

  • lying,
  • stealing,
  • abandonment of family members,
  • suicide and
  • even murder!

Have you ever led a double life?

See results

How to get out…of that self-imposed prison

It is important to find the quickest and most wholesome and effective way of putting an end to this dangerous spiral.

Inevitably, the double life will come crashing down when the person is caught and the secret revealed but there are some whose self-destructive actions may be an unconscious cry for help. For example, persons who engage in continuous high-risk behavior (having multiple affairs, unprotected sex with strangers, stealing from your employer) will eventually get caught and they will have to face what they feared for so long. Psychologists recommend taking certain steps to escape this dangerous prison:

  • Stop keeping secrets. Find at least one trustworthy, caring person who you can share that private information with.
  • Seek professional counseling if you find that you have a habit of keeping secrets and no-one who you can confide in.
  • Also remember that although this secret life seems beyond your control, the situation can be altered and improved.
  • Deliberately examine, and stop ignoring the consequences of your actions.

Have you ever confessed something that you were ashamed of to a friend or family member and even though there may have been repercussions, before you knew it, the situation was behind you and you had moved on to have a healthy, happy life?

It’s not just possible, it’s also likely!

Copyright

The text on this page, unless otherwise indicated, is owned by happiness coach (karen mcgibbon) who hereby asserts her copyright on the material. Permission must be granted by the author in writing prior to copy or republish this article in print or online. Thank you.

© karen mcgibbon

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 

      4 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      The psychology of a double life has a serious note of how to understand ones mind.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)