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Things in the bathroom you shouldn't give a crap about

Updated on January 8, 2012
Over the front...
Over the front...
...or down the back?
...or down the back?

#1. Toilet paper direction

Seriously, over the front or down the back? Who cares, and further more, why does it matter? It’s toilet paper. You’re just gonna use it to wipe your butt or blow your nose anyway. Why does it have to come off the roll in some particular, magic way? Is the world going to end if it goes on the roll the wrong way or –heaven forbid– you leave the new roll on the back of the toilet instead of changing out the old roll?

Honestly, it shouldn’t matter. It’s just toilet paper. If you care so much about the way it comes off the roll, then maybe you don’t have enough in your life to care about. People are starving in Africa, women and children are being butchered in Gaza, and your toilet paper roll isn’t dispensing according to some arcane doctrine that nobody in a destitute nation gives even the slightest tiny rat crap about. What’s wrong with this picture? Focus on things that really matter. Which way the paper you wipe your butt with goes isn’t one of them.

In short, don’t have a prolapse next time someone puts the roll on backwards from the way it’s “supposed” to go. At the very least, be glad they had the courtesy to replace the tube at all, or even better– just be glad you have toilet paper. In some countries you have to pay for it by the square, and trust me– it doesn’t come cheap.

Bad male! Bad! Haven't you been trained better?
Bad male! Bad! Haven't you been trained better?

#2. Leaving the seat up or down

    Ladies, come on. You complain that if the seat is up, you’re either going to rush into the bathroom without looking and fall into the toilet or you’re going to actually have to touch it with your hands in order to put it down.       All I can say is, welcome to my world.      As a man, it has always frustrated me that, after I’m done doing the urine dance I actually have to touch the toilet seat with my hands just in case the next person who comes in to use the toilet is a woman. Nobody seems to care about the man that might come in next who has to lift the seat, do his business, and then put it back down again. That’s twice the toilet touching that you ladies do.      But in all honesty, is it worth getting worked up about either way? Again, people starving, people dying, the environment being steadily destroyed by overconsumption facilitated by greedy corporations, etc. Is it really more important to have even the slightest cow about whether the seat is up or down than it is to get out there and try to do something to help people who are dying? At the very least, I say, be glad you have a toilet seat. It sure as heck beats the cold stone hole with a pit beneath it that the ancient Romans had to use.  

Relax. This one's plastic.
Relax. This one's plastic.

#3. Being able to eat off your toilet

Do you care that much? Honestly? Do you really?

Okay, this is not only pointless, but kind of gross. Ever heard the expression “Toilet so clean you could eat off of it”? If that doesn’t conjure a visual that makes you want to vomit right away, then there’s something seriously wrong with you.

Toilets are made for handling waste, not for serving your next banquet. Unlike your fine china (hopefully) someone is guaranteed to put their butt on your toilet at least once a day. That’s 365 times a year, at the very minimum. Think about how many years your toilet has been in service, and then ask yourself– regardless of how much effort has been put into cleaning it, regardless of how clean it looks, do you really want to even consider eating anything off of something that's had that many butts on it? I say, treat it like anything else that handles waste. If you can smell it from the next room, then you should probably take a brush to it, but considering the fact that most toilets stay pretty clean on their own with normal use, I honestly don’t see why you’d ever really have to spend any more time with it than you do on a daily basis anyway.

Yup. Just soap here.
Yup. Just soap here.

#4. Soap scum

I’ll admit that the mottled brown look that a shower gets if it’s been like six months between cleanings can be a little intimidating if you’ve got one of those little closet-stall showers that feels like you’re climbing into a coffin at the bottom of Niagara Falls, but if you’ve got a bathtub with a shower head six feet above it, you’ve got nothing to complain about. Honestly– it’s just soap.

Besides, what do you think happens to all that caustic crap you’re spraying in the tub to get the scum off with? What do you think it does to the environment when it goes from the drain to the rivers or the ocean and mixes in with all the animals and microbiotic stuff out there? All the stuff you eat. They breathe it, eat it, swim in it and mate in it. Now that, my friends, is more disgusting than any neglected shower you will ever see.

So next time you find yourself suiting up to spray down the tub and scrub away the sediment with chemicals that can burn your skin or cauterize your lungs, think about the last piece of seafood you ate, because even if it didn’t spawn in the particular breed of crap you washed out of your shower, it’s definitely tasted the scum and chemicals of someone’s tub.

Yum, yum.
Yum, yum.


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    • Jane Bovary profile image

      Jane Bovary 

      8 years ago from The Fatal Shore

      Any theory that advocates less housework is a fine one in my book.

      No use getting anal over the toilet roll but I do agree with Nina about the toilet seat. That cold plunk onto the porcelain hurts.

    • cookibuq profile image


      8 years ago from Ireland / Hong Kong

      Voted up and (very) funny. and totally agree....there are more important things in life than bog business ! Well written

    • SweetiePie profile image


      9 years ago from Southern California, USA

      You have many good points here. The one about toilet paper is also good because people waste way too much time arguing about that.

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      Hey fella,

      You wanna know why a woman gets a bit excited about a toilet seat that is up? Because we back up to the darned thing. In the middle of the night. I've fallen into the toilet and getting a splash job rates as low as my temper is high when it happens. If you count how many toilets are washed and maintained by women then we get the toilet seat the way we want it--that's only fair. If you live alone, wash your own toilet, then by all means leave it any position you wish. And about that soap scum. Does this mean you don't wash your sheets either? Cleanliness is all about how you think of yourself and take care of yourself and your family. True, a little dirt never hurt anyone, but it doesn't take a genius nor a lot of chemicals to quickly rinse and wipe down a showerstall. Don't want soap scum? Use watered down dish soap that's easy on the hands instead. Sure, there's a lot of more important things to worry about, but if you're not in a position to do anything about them, taking care of the little things adds up too.

    • Peppermint Thrift profile image

      Peppermint Thrift 

      9 years ago

      Great Hub! It was quite humorous & as a woman who grew up with only brothers I have to admit I agree with everything said here. The only reason I can think of why women are so anal (no pun intended) about bathroom issues is every commercial about cleaning and cleaning products still contains mainly women as the sole proprietors of cleaning the household. It just reinforces the idea that women should really care about asinine (again - no pun here) issues when there are a lot more important things to focus on! Very good writing!

    • Etherealenigma profile image

      Sandra M. Urquhart 

      9 years ago from Florida

      Wow. I'm new here so I didn't realize that the topics ranged to stuff like this. Interesting choice of topics...I'll give you that. And you state your comments in such a serious yet funny way. I enjoyed it, despite the topic and the pics of waste materials.

    • earnestshub profile image


      9 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Common sense is not common in the bathroom either as you rightly point out. What annoys me most about the cleaning thing is the way advertising just takes aim at the same old self-worth button that apparently rules the thinking of many consumers who then buy acres of cleaners that poison our environment.

    • LondonGirl profile image


      9 years ago from London

      nice one - but I guess you've been nagged about bathroom stuff once too often (-:

    • goldentoad profile image


      9 years ago from Free and running....

      All I need is a hole, even toilet paper is optional. this is my kind of subject. thank you.

    • Bruce Elkin profile image

      Bruce Elkin 

      9 years ago from Victoria, BC Canada

      Great hub. Seinfeld would have been proud. All those well-craft sentences, and not so pretty pics to basically say, "Nothing to see here, please move along." But you did it so well, you made it interesting, and engaging, and I think that's what writing's for. Thumbs up!


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