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Tips on Pretending to Be Happy

Updated on October 2, 2016
Rubber ducks are always happy.
Rubber ducks are always happy. | Source

Unexpected developments such as your electric bill arriving a day early or your favorite president expressing no knowledge of IRS bias can disrupt your trudge to happiness. Long sentences don't help much, either. Look to The Internet for tips and tricks enabling you to feign contented satisfaction. We at The Internet gleefully look forward to helping you get where you want to be, mostly.

Here are some products that make me happy.

BMW Convertible

Get faux happy in a big hurry with a 6-cylinder German automobile. BMW engineers thoughtfully engineer the finest happiness molecules into each of their vehicles. Simply parking one in the driveway increases your neighbor's perception of your happiness by 42%. No one resists what BMW is selling.

Look online for prime examples of used BMW cars. Our favorite site, eBay, carefully enumerates numerous possibilities for your approval. We like red.\

Full disclosure: I don't actually have a BMW but I do use this beverage holder in my Chevy Cavalier. Well, it's actually a Corvette but this cup snugly fits into the assigned beverage holder holder. There's no room for luggage in my 'Vette but there's always room for this BMW beverage holder.

Fishing Gear

No fisher-person has ever appeared as anything but happy. Standing tall along the verdant shores of a rushing trout stream inspires and implies levels of gladness. No one will be able to look at you and imagine anything but your complete bliss.

Zebco and Shimano make superlative fishing gear. Load your equipment into the trunk of your red BMW convertible. Head off to the nearest fishing hole at legal speeds: we won't be sorry.

You will also need hooks, sinkers, bobbers, knives, pliers, lures, and some kind of smelly bait. All those items persist on eBay and will look great in your trunk.

I go fishing all the time and I love these hooks. They grab onto fish and don't let go. They also hold live bait very securely.

Radar Detector

Drive down the highway looking positively radiant as you calmly maintain legals speed limits. Mount a shiny new radar detector on the dashboard of your BMW: it will look awesome there.

We love the units that detect traditional radar and also laser speed measurement devices. Thoughtful law enforcement agencies will use both so you'd better be prepared for both. In some states and commonwealths you'll need to hide the thing because it's illegal to receive certain broadcast frequencies from within your own vehicle. That should make you very unhappy, but don't let anyone know. We're trying to maintain a happy face.

I never speed but I absolutely appreciate the extra safety provided by this device. It hangs solidly on my windshield and we don't drive anywhere without it. I can't tell you how many times it's saved me from potential speeding tickets of just getting pulled over for driving while rich.

Gas Grill

Standing in front of a full-on gas grill can't help but lead the neighbors to convince themselves that you have become happy. None of us can cook animal flesh over an open flame while looking grim. Somehow the combination of propane and charcoal and butchered cow meld together into a cloud, nay, an aura, of satisfaction.

People will wander into your yard from all points of the neighborhood to watch you prepare their burgers and chicken breasts. As they gaze approvingly at your heroic machinations, they will know in their hearts that you are indeed happy. Perception is reality.

I put this gas grill on my back deck. We entertain a lot because we have many friends who want our free food. Not really: they are just hungry and friendly. I like the way this grill always starts on the first attempt and how easy it is to clean. My spouse actually cleans it, but I still like how easy it is.

Garbage Disposal

Under your sink resides one of the most happiness inspiring devices available to modern kitchens. Simply flip a switch: electricity combines with physics to pulverize anything sufficiently unfortunate to be left in the drain. It's a controlled aggression beyond the imagination of unsuspecting radish trimmings and steak bones and orange peels.

Make sure your closest friends are standing nearby. Do they suspect you are unhappy? Fire up the garbage disposal to clearly illustrate your happiness facade and clean the pipes at the same time. Your efforts at concurrency will not go unnoticed.

I, as a home handyman, installed this unit under my personal sink in my personal kitchen. It grinds up foodstuffs with a satisfyingly soothing grinding sound. The cat loves to stand nearby and take in the noise. She also likes FAX machines and inkjet printers so it might be a thing for mechanical devices. Anyway, this garbage disposal rapidly became an integral part of my families' garbage disposing regimen. We can't live without it. I think the only downside to this contrivance is that you can't see much of it after you install it. My spouse suggested we prominently display the packaging in the Living Room: I put a kibosh on that idea because the box doesn't match the clown painting mentioned below. There was no argument on that point. Anyway, we as a family wondered aloud if we should install a clear Lucite door on the cabinet under the sink to allow us to further enjoy our garbage disposal. The thing is so elegantly designed and executed that we feel shortchanged by hiding it behind a wooden cabinet door.

Clown Pantings

Ha ha, we laugh as we write this. Even thinking of clowns makes us seem happy. The mere mention of paintings of painted faces almost distracts us from safely driving our BMW to pick up more propane for the gas grill.

Hang cornucopias of clown paintings throughout your home to make everyone believe you're happy. Nothing can go wrong.

I ordered this clown painting to cheer up a clown friend of mine who was going through a rough patch: his clown car was broken-down and his go-to pancake makeup manufacturer was under indictment by the FDA. We both enjoyed the creepy smile and the exaggerated features. This painting now hangs in my friends rumpus room next to an autographed photo of Emmit Kelly.

This writing made me seem happy

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You can find Happiness here, or make people think so.

Comments

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    • nicomp profile imageAUTHOR

      nicomp really 

      5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Thanks, Tebo! Good luck next season. The Jets treated you unfairly.

    • tebo profile image

      tebo 

      5 years ago from New Zealand

      You have a wonderful writing style that makes one want to read on. Thanks for the humorous read.

    • nicomp profile imageAUTHOR

      nicomp really 

      5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @breakfastpop : Sometimes ya gotta fake it!

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 

      5 years ago

      Sounds like faking "happy" can be fun. Up and funny!

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