ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Triggers of the past and not knowing how to deal

Updated on February 24, 2016

Anxiety and PTSD

So in the midst of visiting my boyfriend and having a great time, a situation presented it's self where, in my life triggers things I would rather not remember. Being that I love being around my new man and thinking I am comfortable being here, I thought I could handle the situation I was about to create. I was being what i thought was strong and told the group that it was ok to do what they wanted to do and I would go into another room and lay down go to sleep and just block it all out as I was not apart of the thing that was going on.

Boy was I wrong! I ended up in a ball on the mattress and in tears! I not only had a panic attack but was I just having the worst images of my past going through my head! I was so out of sorts that i clenched my hands and almost drew blood cause I was in such a bad place. I messaged him via text when I saw the time was reasonable and asked if he was ok to go get me coffee. He came into the room and saw that I had still been crying and then he was my hands... He was upset with himself. He told me that he should have known better and that he should have just stayed in bed with me. The way I saw it was I told him to go do him and that I was ok with it all. I thought I was passed it and that it would not bother me. He was so upset with himself and knowing my situation and knowing my triggers that he kept saying that I was more important and I deserved to be protected and he should have stayed cause I am not here long and spending time with me should have been more important. His friends don't do certain things when I am here visiting cause he told them that I have been through stuff and I have triggers. I feel bad that they can not be themselves and I hinder their fun. Don't gt me wrong the respect that they are showing is amazing cause not many people would do that, they would so be doing what ever when ever saying a huge screw you and they don't do that with me at all. They include me in what ever they are doing and make me feel like I am one of the regular crew.

Some times I feel like I am over reacting and that I can handle anything in my life or what ever is going on in others lives. I may not be one of those people that can just do when it is there.... I do try to have fun and I do feel safer with my man than I have ever felt with anyone in a long time. But where do you stop feeling like the victim and start feeling like the victor?

I find that I punish myself more then enjoy myself but at the same time I know my limits and live with in them, I jump out of the norm for me more than I realize at times. But when is it too much?

When does a Victim Win?

When you are a victim of anything, Domestic Violence, rape, mental, physical abuse, you suffer form things that are unimaginable. You have flash backs and thoughts that carry with you. Sometimes you think you are doing better because you have not had an episode in so long. Well that you fooling you. Just because you have not thought about it in long time does not meant that you are not suffering still. For example just because you got out of the relationship where you were abused and it has been 5 years or more, you are still suffering. You may not realize it but your sleep has dwindled from 8 hrs to 3 and you have major anxiety, you have hives, theses are just examples of things you do not necessarily see or recognize as a symptom of what you have gone through. So how do you know your are getting better? How do you know that you have gotten passed the worst of it all? You do not know.. You just live your life. What happens when you are faced to look at the person after so long and you are triggered and your crap comes to surface so much more than you figured it would? I have not done much to deal with what happened to me. The stuff that runs through my head is questionable and a lot of the time to be honest can be scary as hell.

I do scare my self when things happen to trigger my past awfulness. There are times when it takes over an I think of things that would end it all. This is not an option, I have to much to live for and I refuse to let him win for what he has done to me. But the thoughts are there and there are times when those thoughts are more freeing to me than living. My life is not the most stable all the time and I do work hard to overcome my emotional stability. There is depression in its self and there there is the rest of things that come along with it.

What it fells like having an episode


Do people treat you differently?

See results


The video blow gives you a short overview of how to see if you or someone you know has PTSD and anxiety and what you can do to help. Just something I personally thought was good to know.

PTSD Symptoms And Signs (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)