Triggers of the past and not knowing how to deal
Anxiety and PTSD
So in the midst of visiting my boyfriend and having a great time, a situation presented it's self where, in my life triggers things I would rather not remember. Being that I love being around my new man and thinking I am comfortable being here, I thought I could handle the situation I was about to create. I was being what i thought was strong and told the group that it was ok to do what they wanted to do and I would go into another room and lay down go to sleep and just block it all out as I was not apart of the thing that was going on.
Boy was I wrong! I ended up in a ball on the mattress and in tears! I not only had a panic attack but was I just having the worst images of my past going through my head! I was so out of sorts that i clenched my hands and almost drew blood cause I was in such a bad place. I messaged him via text when I saw the time was reasonable and asked if he was ok to go get me coffee. He came into the room and saw that I had still been crying and then he was my hands... He was upset with himself. He told me that he should have known better and that he should have just stayed in bed with me. The way I saw it was I told him to go do him and that I was ok with it all. I thought I was passed it and that it would not bother me. He was so upset with himself and knowing my situation and knowing my triggers that he kept saying that I was more important and I deserved to be protected and he should have stayed cause I am not here long and spending time with me should have been more important. His friends don't do certain things when I am here visiting cause he told them that I have been through stuff and I have triggers. I feel bad that they can not be themselves and I hinder their fun. Don't gt me wrong the respect that they are showing is amazing cause not many people would do that, they would so be doing what ever when ever saying a huge screw you and they don't do that with me at all. They include me in what ever they are doing and make me feel like I am one of the regular crew.
Some times I feel like I am over reacting and that I can handle anything in my life or what ever is going on in others lives. I may not be one of those people that can just do when it is there.... I do try to have fun and I do feel safer with my man than I have ever felt with anyone in a long time. But where do you stop feeling like the victim and start feeling like the victor?
I find that I punish myself more then enjoy myself but at the same time I know my limits and live with in them, I jump out of the norm for me more than I realize at times. But when is it too much?
When does a Victim Win?
When you are a victim of anything, Domestic Violence, rape, mental, physical abuse, you suffer form things that are unimaginable. You have flash backs and thoughts that carry with you. Sometimes you think you are doing better because you have not had an episode in so long. Well that you fooling you. Just because you have not thought about it in long time does not meant that you are not suffering still. For example just because you got out of the relationship where you were abused and it has been 5 years or more, you are still suffering. You may not realize it but your sleep has dwindled from 8 hrs to 3 and you have major anxiety, you have hives, theses are just examples of things you do not necessarily see or recognize as a symptom of what you have gone through. So how do you know your are getting better? How do you know that you have gotten passed the worst of it all? You do not know.. You just live your life. What happens when you are faced to look at the person after so long and you are triggered and your crap comes to surface so much more than you figured it would? I have not done much to deal with what happened to me. The stuff that runs through my head is questionable and a lot of the time to be honest can be scary as hell.
I do scare my self when things happen to trigger my past awfulness. There are times when it takes over an I think of things that would end it all. This is not an option, I have to much to live for and I refuse to let him win for what he has done to me. But the thoughts are there and there are times when those thoughts are more freeing to me than living. My life is not the most stable all the time and I do work hard to overcome my emotional stability. There is depression in its self and there there is the rest of things that come along with it.
What it fells like having an episode
Do people treat you differently?
The video blow gives you a short overview of how to see if you or someone you know has PTSD and anxiety and what you can do to help. Just something I personally thought was good to know.
PTSD Symptoms And Signs (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
Symptoms, Treatment, and Self-Help for PTSD
- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): Symptoms, Treatment and Self-Help for PTSD
Guide to PTSD, including symptoms, treatments, and what you can do to help yourself.