ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Try and Try Again

Updated on February 26, 2019
bluemindyellowsoul profile image

The author is a new mom with a history of anxiety and depression. She loves to use writing as a healthy form of therapy.

So ever since I started becoming sexually active I’ve had a heightened sense of panic each month about unplanned pregnancy. I have pretty much taken some form of birth control pill for 10+ years, but regardless my period was very irregular. I would only menstruate every few months and when I did, it was super light. Most girls would be jealous but I had to become very familiar with pregnancy tests to keep myself sane.

When I shared this information with my OBGYN in my teens and early 20’s he didn’t seem concerned. At one point I insisted on trying a different pill; however, unfortunately that didn’t change my regularity.

After dealing with this drama for years and years, I would make the joke that by the time I finally wanted to see a positive pregnancy test result, I wouldn’t even be fertile and all of my past stress will have been for nothing. Although I joked about it, it was always an underlying fear that would creep into my mind on occasion because I felt guilty for taking so many tests hoping for a negative result, knowing that someday I would want children.

After about a year of marriage to my husband I started to pressure him to have kids. I couldn’t really put my finger on a rational reason but I kept saying that if we waited until after 30 I would have declined fertility on top of my existing nerves that the odds were against me. He and I disagreed on timing for months but I finally stopped taking my pill and after a couple of months without a goalie I made an appointment with a new OBGYN to talk about officially starting to try and tapering off of my SSRI.

I told the doctor that I’d been trying to proactively track my ovulation but was having a hard time. After looking at the information that I had written down and discussing my past menstrual cycles, he warned me that he was fairly confident that I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. He also pointed out the unfortunate reality that since quitting my birth control a couple of months back, I had gained 30 lbs (apparently a symptom of not having the pills to regulate hormones) and I had irregular or absent cycles for 10+ years (likely meaning I wasn’t ovulating on a monthly basis) which all was common in PCOS. He shared that I would likely have a difficult time getting pregnant without introducing medication. Although the medication would be effective, it had a very high chance of producing multiples.I told him that both mine and my husband’s families had recent history of multiples and I was not willing to take that chance without trying naturally for awhile. So that’s where we left it.

As soon as I told be husband the news I think he realized that this was a fear that I’d had for years and now it was like a nightmare becoming reality. He became very supportive and ready to do whatever we needed to do to make this baby.

As optimistic as I felt in the doctor's office about trying naturally, that attitude didn’t last long when I realized that nearly all tracking methods to help with fertility and conception wouldn’t work with PCOS. So we essentially just had to do the deed and periodically take pregnancy tests because I wouldn’t know when to expect my period or when to know it was missed.

After a month my husband started to preach that conception would happen when it’s supposed to and I should stop trying to control the situation and be so planful. I couldn’t just have that mentality though…since I was “officially” trying to get pregnant I was abstaining from drinking or eating foods that a pregnant woman shouldn’t, taking a super low dose of my SSRI, not getting on the back of his motorcycle (along with any other risky activities), etc. These were all major inconveniences and the SSRI could be an issue if the drama of infertility were to kick me into a funk -- which I was terrified of. So my lackadaisy attitude was nowhere to be found. Please tell me you can sympathize?

Additionally, it’s a bitch to not be able to vent about this major life challenge. I’d told a few people but it confirmed for me quickly that I couldn’t tell anyone else because the optimism that everyone else had wasn’t helpful (no offense to them). The positivity just seemed unrealistic and belittling to what I was actually experiencing. I could only imagine that if I told my parents or in-laws they would be asking for updates all of the time and giving unsubstantiated advice). It was just challenging enough to run through the million scenarios in my own head, let alone add in more opinions.

Speaking of scenarios, I googled and read books like a lunatic and although I felt very informed, I think it became an OCD issue. I feel like since I couldn’t control the situation (which I clearly dislike as a type A personality), the least I could do is be as informed as possible. I figured that by the time I did get pregnant I would be super prepared and know exactly what to expect (not to mention how to raise my child up through age 18 in the most perfectly educated, researched, thorough, detailed way).

When you’re in the thick of it, even one month can feel like an eternity to wait while trying to get pregnant. As each month passes by your hopes get so much bigger before you take the test and your heart just breaks harder with each negative result. There is no good advice for this situation because no one can guarantee you anything in the end- it’s just a matter of having faith and trying to keep sane while you wait.

Best of luck to all of the women who long for that perfect moment of looking down and seeing a positive test result. I’m sending hugs your way!


Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://maven.io/company/pages/privacy

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)