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Unfaithful Men

Updated on June 26, 2017
ValKaras profile image

Val is a life-long student of the psycho-philosophy of living, and a devoted practitioner of many techniques enhancing personal evolution.

To Some Men, Infidelity Is About Collecting Hunter's Trophies
To Some Men, Infidelity Is About Collecting Hunter's Trophies

A "Hunter's Gene"?

For quite a percentage of men we could say one thing to be true: when it's about cheating, there are not those who would, and those who wouldn't --- but rather those who are willing to admit that they would, and those who are not.

There is something in man's genome left over from those times when he lived in a cave as a hunter and women reared their offspring. Until relatively recent times, that arrangement was pretty much followed, with a difference that hunter changed his name into "breadwinner", and woman into "housewife".

The need for an additional family income, coupled with woman's liberation and her new role in society changed much of it --- except for that unfortunate "hunter's gene" which didn't seem to care much about that new set of rules. The only apparent difference being that hunting a baby dinosaur has been upgraded to hunting a woman --- in all obvious, subtle, and imaginary forms possible.

It's only man's moral, and by character imposed inhibitions that keep his marital sins at bay of imagination --- not as a rule, of course, and still true, with a large number of males in this tempting world for whom no holy book convincing enough has been written yet.

If Marriage Could Only Stay This Way
If Marriage Could Only Stay This Way

When Love Boils Down to Sex

What's so peculiar about husbands is this fact that most of them truly love their wives, but that devil of the hunter's gene just won't let them stay at that. Well, I am certainly not the first one to tell you how sex is one of those strong factors in people getting married, and it certainly has its place in the equation.

Now, not that I would go with the above statement as far as Freud probably would, because couples do also marry for more dignifying reasons than that. There is so much more to "love", even in man's version of it. Besides, if sex was all that significant, then hookers would make for some of the best brides.

Nevertheless, somewhere down the road on the way from the church, and some time after those empty cans have stopped rattling under that proud sign Just Married --- those bedroom matters may start taking an unfortunate turn for the horny once-hopeful groom.

A number of things could happen leading to his misery, which may precede the awakening of that gene to make him possibly a bona fide married Casanova.

Now, it's not that men with a pronounced hunter's gene mistake sex for love. But to them, sex is like having a gourmet meal, a matter of a bodily pleasure, not a part of love --- so they don't feel like they betray love by having that meal in "another restaurant".

And while such a crazy dude may see that love includes sex, it doesn't seem true the other way around. So he may even say to that "chef of another restaurant" that he loves his wife, and mean it --- and it won't spoil their "dinner together" one bit. Crazy dude, like I said, but something in his nature makes it O.K. for him.

Hot Heart and Cold Feet  -- A Bad Mix
Hot Heart and Cold Feet -- A Bad Mix

Cold Feet Don't Get Far

Sometimes, for no apparent reason at all, the love of his life develops what has been coined as "cold feet". Now, not that he forgot to brush his teeth or to apply some deodorant. It could be anything hormonal on her part, or otherwise having to do with health. Women are known to go a little funny at least once every month; and with some of them that time may stretch just enough to inspire some devious ideas in a hubby with loose brakes.

It could also be about the appearance of a baby in their life, or even starting already at pregnancy, that she is all into her upcoming role of a mother, so hubby takes the second place in her heart. Again, likely to be an exception rather than a rule, as it's much more common that babies will forge and upgrade couples' love for each other.

Then there are other possible reasons for her feet going cold. Like, when she secretly goes rebellious over his being too tolerant about his mother sticking her nose too much into their life. Well, she may not have his muscles to fight, but she can develop those proverbial "bedroom headaches" to beat him.

However, that strategy may backfire quite miserably, as our sexually frustrated Casanova is already checking out those easy-looking female co-workers.

Craving for Admiration of More Than One Woman
Craving for Admiration of More Than One Woman

Time to Re-Think the Marriage?

Let's face it, some guys simply shouldn't marry ---period. Or at least until they gain some more respect for women, while also losing respect for their sexual whims. Many of them, now grown up versions of their being spoiled by overly permissive mommy, feel "entitled" to fool around without any guilt over it whatsoever.

Yet, others may be in an unconscious rebellion against their mothers, now projecting it onto their wives and out of a revenge going unfaithful. It's amazing how many men bring into marriage their unresolved emotional issues. Not that the same couldn't be said about wives, but their style of revenge doesn't usually involve promiscuous adventures.

Let us not forget those "pretty faces" who usually get married just to have a steady admirer, while feeling like some sort of Greek gods, in front of whom every woman must fall on her religious knees.

Of a similar kind is that macho type, tough and insecure dude who needs a steady flow of proofs for his advertised manliness from more than one woman. As it usually happens, his wife stops "showing respect" quite early in marriage and develops a mouth that matches his musculature --- so he needs someone new to respect his macho antics.

But not to worry, there is that divorced neighbor already glancing him and sending him signals over that lawn fence that's so easy for a macho like him to jump over --- a moral fence not looking like an obstacle either.

A Lover to Be Envied
A Lover to Be Envied

Of Lovers and Roosters

Bringing back into picture that unfortunate hunter's gene, let us remind ourselves that in some men's nature it's not about possessing, but rather conquering what makes their blood hot. So, when marriage starts being too much of a routine to their taste, it's time for them to get some new hunter's trophies.

The motive for cheating may range from a most primitive to a most subtle and even unconscious one. He just has that need to "spice it up" a bit, not even seeing much of a sin in a little help from the side.

There was this funny but allegedly true anecdote involving a US President and his First Lady, which is addressing this issue of man's need to have a "refreshment" in bedroom.

As the story went, the First Couple was visiting a farm, and at one moment while the First Lady was alone with the farmer, a rooster in front of them started humping one after another those lucky hens. They laughed, and the First Lady still in a jolly mood quietly said to the farmer: "Maybe this rooster could teach my husband a secret or two".

The President, being close enough to have overheard it, said quietly to the farmer, while jokingly pretending not to notice the presence of his wife: "I think I got the secret of this rooster: it's not doing it with the same hen."

Now, now, typical of a man, isn't it --- and I am far from condoning it, but who am I to debunk a president's theory.

Only Some of Brainless Loves Can Be Forgiven
Only Some of Brainless Loves Can Be Forgiven

The Idiocy of Infatuation

Being a man myself, also married to the same woman for 52 years ---with no "rooster syndrome" by the way --- I am among the last ones who would agree with either that hunter's gene or anything else what makes men go crazy enough to explore opportunities outside the wedlock. I will accept a possible humorous remark: "Man, you don't know what you've been missing", because I have heard it a few times already.

Woman's beauty is to be admired, and in a contrast to my saintly boasting above --- I am the first one who will admire it. What will certainly miss from that equation will be the possessiveness part.

Having said that, I hope I haven't shown any smallest sign of approving husbands' cheating. On the other hand, neither would I join some of female readers in their calling such husbands all kinds of names.

If there was such a harsh tendency in me, I would certainly save it for the following and the last on my list of cheaters. Namely, those crazy idiots who allow themselves to get infatuated with another woman, deserting their families while traumatizing their kids in the process.

A drinking dude may get carried away not knowing when to stop until he is completely wasted. But a "one night stand", as degrading as it is by itself --- should stop at that night.

I spent a number of years working in industrial environment, and I had this unpleasant opportunity to witness a couple of such cases where married men with kids lost their heads over a female co-worker whom I didn't even see as particularly attractive, let alone a candidate for an infatuation. But, well, as they keep saying: "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder".

I would call that a "psychotic version of love", because there is no brain just genitals thinking. One of those mentioned idiots was taken back by his heart-broken wife, probably for sake of kids. Another one was not so lucky after the adventure was over. Despised by the whole family he ended up an alcoholic, lost his job, and that was the last I heard of him.

It Doesn't Take This Much to Keep the Man at Home
It Doesn't Take This Much to Keep the Man at Home

A Little of Woman's Intuition May Do the Trick

With these preceding cases, which, by the way, had no ambition to cover all variety of cheaters, I tried to point at some of the reasons men cheat. Every time I write about any aspect of the "human condition", I hope to have left, if only between lines a message that might give a hint about things to be avoided or improved.

This article was not an exception. Even though I didn't devote much time to explaining any preventative steps to be taken, any woman with a good intuition could have figured out that man's nature is a little tricky. Then she might as well come up with a trick or two in order to prevent her man from falling a victim to his adventurism propelled by too much free testosterone in blood.

Someone said that "man is woman's first child", and I am old enough to agree with that without losing anything from my "male pride". Women mature first, and their maternal instinct is something unmatchable in man's nature.

With that maturity and steadiness in heart, any female reader of this article could think for herself what would work best for their particular man --- other than a few drops of arsenic in his coffee. Mine obviously figured it out pretty well; even though I'd like to take some minor credit for that with my general mindset.

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    • rebelogilbert profile image

      Gilbert Arevalo 6 months ago from Hacienda Heights, California

      very interesting hub, Val.

    • ValKaras profile image
      Author

      Vladimir Karas 6 months ago from Canada

      Eleanore --- There was really nothing to disagree about in my last comment. You say "mature men should know what they want", and I absolutely agree --- with a note that they DON'T seem to know. The difference is only in your "should".

      There are many things people "should" do, and they don't. All your examples are valid; however, they are not enough for your "broad brush". I m still saying that there are many, and I mean MANY men who honor their wives. It was actually YOU who mentioned unfaithful women, and I only confirmed that there are also cases like that. So, no, I did not try to "neutralize the topic" --- actually I hardly mentioned unfaithful women in my hub, so I didn't have to be reminded about my topic.

      There is no statistics of unfaithful men which would somehow swallow all those decent guys. So, while we may keep listing down example after example, that won't be enough for me to put all men in the same bag. Maybe some day I will write a hub about men who honor their wives. I don't expect that many women would read it, simply because there is always a bigger response when something negative can be said as comment.

    • Ewent profile image

      Eleanore Ferranti Whitaker 6 months ago from Old Bridge, New Jersey

      When you marry, you make a lifetime commitment to the woman you claim to love, honor and respect. How is it okay for men to cavort while married to women who are married because they do not know what they want.

      Sorry, I cannot agree. Adults with mature minds are supposed to KNOW what they want and what they want isn't all about them when they are part of a couple. My experience with men qualifies me to make the brush stroke broad. When you work with 21 salesmen and 15 engineers over several decades, not to mention chemists and accountants, you have an alphabet soup of male personalities that soon run together and emphasize certain relative personality traits.

      For example, I never did understand why a married VP whose wife looked like a model would then decide to cheat on her with more than a dozen women if not for his adolescent idea that women are nothing more than arm candy. Or, the ultra successful Canadian male whose equally ultra successful wife led him to one affair after another. Or the CEO who thought women must never be allowed to be smarter or realize their fullest potential. You chose the topic to be unfaithful men. Trying to neutralize the topic now by including unfaithful women strays from your original intent. We know many men reach middle age and realize their youth is gone and immediately seek out women 20 years their junior. Women haven't always done that until the Boomer Women of the 60s had enough of the inequality of the sexes.

    • ValKaras profile image
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      Vladimir Karas 6 months ago from Canada

      Eleanore --- While I absolutely agree with your assessment of "some" men, I am not prone too much to generalizing ; keeping in sight a great number of men who do respect women and appreciate their qualities that have nothing to do with eroticism.

      It certainly remains the fact that a woman may have a hard time predicting the outcome of a relationship with man, but that too could not be taken as a rule.

      Quite true, there are many women who got burnt --- and, as you objectively mentioned ---some men as well, and in most cases it boils down to something missing in the character of the person.

      Personally, I would say that cheaters of either gender simply don't know what they want from a relationship. I admire (in that respect) some of the male celebrities who simply insist on staying single, not to start something that they would not honor due to their oversized sexual appetites or a crazy life style.

      Really, we could even say that nothing is wrong with those men who just want to have a good time with women who also just want to have a good time. That's why I am saying that people should know what they really want while keeping in mind their natural or acquired preferences.

    • ValKaras profile image
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      Vladimir Karas 6 months ago from Canada

      Gustavo --- It is admirable how you sympathize with your friend's family in that matter of infidelity. You say he is "your friend", but maybe you could think about it again. I mean, I personally can't have for a friend someone whom I don't respect.

      Who knows, since he is not taking his marriage seriously, maybe he is not really taking your friendship seriously either. You know, unstable moral principles usually show their true colors in more than one kind of relationship.

      However, don't take these words a wrong way --- you know the best about your friendships, I am just giving a little comment to what you said.

    • Ewent profile image

      Eleanore Ferranti Whitaker 6 months ago from Old Bridge, New Jersey

      The one thing Unfaithful people, male or female, seem not to understand is they generate a massive sense of betrayal. From that betrayal, comes mistrust. Once a person, man or woman gives evidence that they cannot be trusted, it is next to impossible to regain trust from those who truly matter.

    • ValKaras profile image
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      Vladimir Karas 6 months ago from Canada

      Dana --- For one reason or another that could date all the way back to their childhood, some men simply don't have a developed respect for women, seeing in them only their pleasure objects.

      But look, how should we be surprised, looking at all other examples of man's sense of morality missing from social and global scene. As you watch the daily news, it's almost impossible to believe that human beings can display such animalistic behavior towards each other.

      So, infidelities could even be viewed as one of those "milder" forms of it.

      But I certainly got your point, and yes, when you personally experience it, it hurts more than all those stories on the daily news.

    • ValKaras profile image
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      Vladimir Karas 6 months ago from Canada

      Rachel - As you know, the word "romantic" was derived from "Roma", and it's not a secret that eroticism goes hand in hand with the hot temper pronounced in all Mediterranean ethnicities.

      However, it seems to go beyond those limits and says something about man's gender in general. I am not about to defend them---being a man myself --- but at times I am wondering if it's something that's so strong in their nature that they find it hard to resist.

      Namely, I have seen and talked to quite a few guys who honestly loved their wives, but just "couldn't" pass an opportunity to cheat, as if they were under a spell of an addiction.

      I know it sounds crazy, and people should be able to control their primitive urges --- like so many others are doing. It simply puzzles me that they can't think at the time how they will feel "the morning after".

    • Ewent profile image

      Eleanore Ferranti Whitaker 6 months ago from Old Bridge, New Jersey

      I'm a second generation Italian. So, you know I had many Italian uncles with mistresses. I realize their example scarred my image of Italian men to the degree I refused to ever date one, always believing they were as prone to extra marital affairs as my uncles.

      That said. In my view? Men are not capable of long term commitment in personal, business or governmental roles.

      I have always been outnumbered in my family, my social circle and my career by men. So, I learned to take a few pages from their books. I find most men to be curiously creative about their perceptions of commitment. I found men in business especially interesting. They could only make a commitment if there was some reward visible on the horizon. In personal relationships, men cannot make commitments because they simply cannot make sacrifices of themselves in the extreme. They'll give up their lives in war or to duty. But, make a sacrifice of their freedom to venture out on another "hunt" and they just can't do it.

      If I learned anything about men? It is that they loathe the idea of smart women who also happen to be attractive. They cannot see women out of their sexual identity. More's the pity, since women can be a man's best friend. But, as we all know, men believe a dog is a much better best friend.

    • Gustavo Woltmann1 profile image

      Gustavo Woltmann1 6 months ago

      Well, this is a common problem right now. I have a friend he has a family in other country and he felt in love in his officemate and then they lived in the same apartment. I don't agree in their situation and I'm worried about his family even though his my friend. I respect all girls and even though I don't have a girl in my life I promise that I will be a faithful guy for her.

      Everything we do has a result and if you don't want to have a miserable life try to forget all the things that not right and against the rules in our government and especially in God.

    • Dana Tate profile image

      Dana Tate 6 months ago from LOS ANGELES

      I once dated a guy who felt it was okay for him to cheat but not me. The only difference between him and the other guys I dated was that he was honest about it. I asked an ex boyfriend why men cheat and he said because men can't find all the qualities he likes in one woman; I told him neither do women but most don't cheat. Women not respecting other women also helps men cheat when they don't respect themselves or the other woman to say no to the married man or, man in a relationship. They listen to the man complain about his marriage or girlfriend and then try to fill those voids where the man claims to be unhappy. Most women have just accepted societies view that all men will cheat, it's a sad plight for the woman who is left feeling insecure and praying that if her partner does cheat, he is practicing safe sex.

    • Rachel L Alba profile image

      Rachel L Alba 6 months ago from Every Day Cooking and Baking

      Well Val, this is all very interesting. In fact it reminds me of my mother in law, an old fashioned Italian woman, who used to say that men are hunters. She used to excuse one or more of her sons using that excuse. But when someone asked her what she would do if her husband was caught with another woman, she said she would poison his coffee. lol I thought that was funny. I also agree that woman mature first which is why a woman should marry someone older than herself. (My opinion, of course). My husband always told our children, if temptation comes your way, then remove yourself from the situation. I thought that was good advise also. Thanks for your thoughts and interesting hub.

      Blessings to you.