I know there are many frustrations in life. I know these times will pass. I know that I am a good person and I honestly do try. But sometimes my typical day is just, well, too much! I struggle to get out of bed each morning. Having MS is not easy. First thing I do is pray that all my limbs haven't contracted and that I am at least limber enough to try and dress on my own. If I am stiff and not physically able to get up I have to wait till someone is able to help me stretch. Hopefully by the time I am stretched and able to get out of bed I pray that I am able to remember how to put my clothes on or tie my shoes. I struggle to call each kid I love and adore by the correct name and hope I don't burn their breakfast.
Driving or doing chores is a whole other matter. With MS you are not sure what your body will do that day, so everyday is a risk to turn the ignition key or try to exercise. I hope that my arms don't suddenly flinch while driving myself to the doctor for yet another undiagnosed viral infection or picking my kids up from school activites. I walk into the grocery store worrying if my body will cooperate enough to not drop groceries from the shelves or ramming myself into yet another customer or cart. I pray that my feet not find every crack in the sidewalk to save myself from the embarrassment of falling down only having to ask a complete stranger to help me up.
I pray that when I go to read directions for a recipe or read a book to my child that i will not all of a sudden forget how to read knowing I know how but the signal just seems to get lost and I am unable to retrieve that knowledge for hours at a time.
It is stress for me. It is stress for my kids. It is stress for anyone who has to help me any given day. I know everything happens for a reason and that for every negative there is a positive, but some days you just need to have a pity party and move on. Moving on is hard when you deal with issues that will never go away. Issues that may decrease your quality of life. I try not to think about it. But here I sit venting me. Venting about MS. I could be worse. I could be a complete invalid by now and I feel the only reason I am not is because my will to survive is greater than my will to give up. My will to see my children blossom into inspiring adults. To see my son at his first NFL game and my oldest daughter have her very own award winning horse ranch and to see my youngest become the rock singer I know she is going to be despite her hearing loss. To know that someday I am going to hold my grandchildren and see them grow and stick around like any old stubborn mule to see their children. So I guess just taking it day by day and seeing hope in my future is what keeps me going. It is what keeps me trying everyday and not giving in to the daily struggles.