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Weather Related Aches And Pains - I Am Officially Old

Updated on May 9, 2011

Weather Related Aches And Pains - Don't Get Me Started!

I've never minded the whole growing old thing. I was never a "twink" turned into "boy toy" turned into "otter" then to "bear" - no, I have not followed the natural progression of the evolution of a gay man and that's just okay with me. I have always been a short, dark and ethnic kid and that's how I continue to see myself. You know, the Jewish Peter Pan! However, two days ago my knees started killing me. (Boys, get those minds up out of the gutter, please) I had no idea what could be causing such pain. I hadn't worked out enough in the prior week to cause such problems and I couldn't remember doing anything else that would remotely make my knees hurt. Then I saw the weather forecast. We here in Vegas are entering our yearly monsoon season and the first big wave was headed our way. Could it be? Could I have become one of those old people barometers for weather? Ugh. Weather related aches and pains - Don't Get Me Started!

The Vegas monsoon season is yet another mystery of life that I don't want to figure out. I had always thought that monsoons needed to be in tropical climates with some water near it but who knew? Having lived through them now monsoons just mean it's 112 degrees and raining like I need to build an ark. Within a matter of minutes the road can go from being paved to a river. It's fascinating (if you're inside watching old Bette Davis movies) but if you have to drive in it, you're basically screwed. The one good thing is that much like the Wicked Witch of the West, it appears to be the only thing that Vegas drivers are afraid of and will actually drive a bit more carefully or dare I say, drive properly. And that's a good thing.

Well, it was such a shock to me when I woke up a couple of days ago and was walking around like Jack Wild doing his "Mechanical Boy" number from H.R. Puffenstuff or the Tin Man (everyone's least favorite character) pre-oiling. Immediately I went through the prior three days to see if anything had occurred that would make me feel this way. Had I bent down to lift anything? No, completely safe in that category. Had I done squats at the gym? Come on who was I kidding considering even suggesting that I ever did squats at the gym? (I made myself giggle a bit on that one) And finally it dawned on me when I went out to get the morning paper that it was humid and since it's never humid it must be a storm a coming. (Isn't that what they say in all the old movies?)

Immediately I was disgusted. I started thinking about the times (back in the day) when my grandmother had rubbed her elbow and said, "Yup, there's going to be a storm in the next couple of days. I can feel it in my bones." I had just always thought that this was a tactic older people used when they had run out of things to say. It made them seem like they were a bit mystical and magical instead of kvetches that were pains in the ass. I mean, come on, what were they, like animals that instinctively went crazy before a storm because they knew it was a coming? And what did this mean to me, having never lived on a farm (or wanted to live on a farm)? Did this mean I was going to have to get an Old Farmer's Almanac and start living my life according to ancient farmer superstitions and wives tales or did it just mean that I should start a new business becoming the Miss Cleo of a physic weather network? Everything about this recent turn of events was depressing and worse, a little painful.

I guess the worst part is that what do I tell people as I continually rub my knees? (I don't know what this rubbing actually does for them other than to "heat" them up a bit due to the friction but I've seen other people do it so it must do something). I mean no one would believe that it was an old sports injury (I'm laughing at myself right now just thinking about trying to deliver this explanation to anyone with a straight face). I couldn't say that it was a war injury because the closest I ever came to war was playing the card game with my brother as a kid or fighting over a sweater with a boy half my age at Banana Republic (I won) but in the end it would have probably looked better on him. When you tell people that you used to be a dancer, they just sort of give you the whole body scan and you can see exactly what they're thinking..."Dancer, yeah, right...since when does dancing around to a Madonna song in your bedroom singing into a hairbrush make you a dancer? And considering Vogue really only involved the upper body, why do his knees hurt?" No, there's no good excuse for someone like me so I guess I have to go with the dreaded, "Because I'm old." Ugh.

Now before you all start writing in telling me that I should use cold or hot compresses, drink eel semen or take a supplement that I couldn't even come close to pronouncing let me say that I'm all about the herbal remedies but physicians heal thyselves. I'm sure there's some magic potion out there that some sheepherder found in the Himalayans and is only available on QVC but for now I'm just going to go with plain old Motrin. I love the Motrin. I don't care if I have to crunch it up and snort it, it's the only answer I have at this point and don't they always say, "Do what you know?"

I can only hope that the storms pass soon because being gay and having knee problems is too good a set up even for those people who don't normally tell jokes. (There are so many gay knee jokes going through my head at the moment I can barely keep typing.) So enough all ready, I'll just have to face the fact that when a storm is a coming so will the knee pain because I'm old and as the alcoholics say, "Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the drugs not to give a shit about knowing the difference." Isn't that how it goes? Weather related aches and pains - Don't Get Me Started!



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    • twogroce profile image

      twogroce 9 years ago

      Knee pain has began to give me problem late evening and through the night and many times I fall a sleep with a heating pad behind my knees. I notice weather sometimes plays a roll. I have only been 30 for 3 months and have been falling apart for 2.5 months.

    • Isabella Snow profile image

      Isabella Snow 10 years ago

      I have problems with one of my knees, too. Every time I go to work and have to set the PA up, I have to bend down to see the equalizer. I only have to squat for a few minutes, but as I get back up it's almost painful enough to cry! Hard to look sexy as you hobble in front of your audience. And then try to climb up onstage immediately afterward, forget about it!!!

      They say chondroitin and stuff like that helps. I dunno, I've tried it, and I don't think it does!