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What a Relationship With a Narcissist Will Teach You

Updated on January 2, 2019
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What will you learn from a narcissist?

photo used from Psychology of Language
photo used from Psychology of Language | Source

What is Narcissism?

Narcissism is a serious personality disorder that is characterized by many traits. This is a spectrum disorder. Everyone will have some narcissistic traits, but full-blown disordered people have many or all of them. These people are really the rejects of human evolution from a conscious or soul perspective. Diagnosing someone with Narcissist Personality Disorder can only be done by a qualified professional. You'll hear many people throwing the term around rather loosely about others that are simply jerks or not very nice people. That is not the same as being a narcissist. A narcissist is toxic for a co-dependent or an empath.

Narcissists do not process human emotion the way a non-disordered person does. They lack empathy. They have no thoughts on guilt, remorse, or being accountable for their actions. They have an inflated sense of self and believe they are above you. At the core of someone with this disorder, they are broken, empty little children.


Source

What are the traits of a narcissist?

  • LACK OF EMPATHY -Narcissists do not care how they make you feel. They do not have the emotional IQ to relate to the pain of others, so don't bother trying to make that happen. When confronted with facts of their behavior or wrongdoing they deny, blameshift and often ignore.
  • EXAGGERATED SENSE OF SELF- Narcissists tend to think they are better than everyone at everything. They lie about accomplishments, education, income. They lie about everything. When they don't achieve a goal, they blame others for their incompetence.
  • ENTITLEMENT- Narcissists believe they are entitled to anything and everything, even when there is no merit supporting that. If you have something they want, they believe they should have it. Possessions, money, reputation, nothing is off limits to them. And if they can't take what you have, they will try to destroy it.
  • ENVY- This is about the only emotion a narcissist truly feels on a deep level. Envy is a disgusting emotion and very low in frequency. Narcissists are very shallow people and their envy is fueled by their sense of entitlement. If you're successful, a narcissist hates you for it. Why should anyone be what they can't be?
  • ARROGANT AND JUDGEMENTAL-Narcissists are quick to point out everyone's flaws, no matter if they are real or not. They are often bigots, racists, sexists, hypocrites.
  • NEED EXCESSIVE PRAISE AND ADORATION- Narcissists constantly need to be told how awesome and amazing they are. And they look for specific people to feed this delusion. When you don't agree with how amazing they are they discard you.
  • GRANDIOSITY-Narcissists are obsessed with power, fame, reputation, and whatever they perceive to be amazing accomplishments. Remember, in their minds you are below them. You will never be equal.
  • INSISTENCE ON ASSOCIATING WITH SPECIAL PEOPLE-This ties into their grandiosity. Narcissists insist on surrounding themselves with people they feel may be as important as they are. This helps bolster their sense of importance, and worthiness.
  • ABUSE-NPD is a very abusive disorder. This personality uses extortion, lies, deceit, infidelity, drama, financial abuse, and just about any other thing you can name to control and manipulate others.
  • HIGHLY REACTIVE TO CRITICISM-Forget trying to point out their flaws, they will refuse and only respond like an infant.
  • HAVE VERY LOW SELF-ESTEEM-You many not notice this at first, but remember they are superficial. When you peel back the layers of this disorder the level of insecurity they have is mind-boggling.
  • SELF RIGHTEOUS AND DEFENSIVE-these are traits for the preservation of their false self. Any slight or questioning of their behavior is an affront to their little ego. You will see this when you question their competency in any way.
  • PROJECTION- Narcissist love to dump their disgusting personality traits on to you.
  • LACK OF BOUNDARIES- Much like the co-dependent or empath they have very poor boundaries. The difference is, they use this lack to obtain. The focus is always on being served or acquiring what they want, it does not matter how this makes anyone feel.

DSM-Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

You can find more information on this personality disorder as well as many others in the DSM-Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

They are all around us

Most of us know someone with a narcissist personality disorder, diagnosed or not. This could be a parent, boss, friend, or partner. We encounter them daily, they are a breed of humanity that exists sometimes quietly (co-vert), sometimes openly, loud, and obnoxious (overt). Although some narcissists are highly productive and make a lot happen especially in the realm of work and business, the majority are toxic and should be avoided at all costs. Malignant narcissists are the most dangerous, these are the people that not only are narcissistic but sociopaths and psychopaths. The most recent famed psychopath in the news was Christopher Watts, who is responsible and was convicted for the death of his pregnant wife, and two daughters. Narcissists cannot always be avoided, especially when they are family. And sadly many go under the radar before someone truly sees their true nature. Lives are destroyed by people with this disorder and sometimes even taken. So what will you learn from interacting with these disordered people?

A Clear Sense of Self

Narcissists use many psychological tactics to elicit self-doubt, they cause you to question your perspective of reality. Co-dependents will do anything they can to keep others happy, even at the expense of their own needs, desires, and self-care. They are good at causing you to question your sanity. They blameshift, lie and deceive. Over time, you will realize that you are not crazy at all. Your sanity and intuition are perfectly intact. Your human decency allowed you to believe they are good people when in reality they are not. It does not matter what they've said about you, or what they've done to you. Your action and walking in your truth will speak for itself. When all is said and done, you will have a stronger sense of self. You will know yourself better than you probably ever have, something the narcissist cannot do. And you will only build on this experience and become a stronger, more capable person in life. You will realize who is worthy of your time, affection, resources, respect, and love. You will not be thrown around in the breeze not knowing who you are or what you stand for.

Boundaries

You will learn is to establish your own clear set of boundaries. For a co-dependent, this can be very challenging to accomplish. A narcissist will push every button you have and test every boundary you have. They enjoy this. It's a game for them. Remember they like to put others down, it feeds their superiority complex. They want to see just how far they can push you and use you. By the time you rip their fraudulent mask off, you will be well on your way to establishing very strong boundaries to never allow anyone to walk all over you. No one deserves to be lied to, abused, or manipulated. Relationships are an exchange of energy. There is a balance of giving and taking. If your boundaries were not well established before this encounter, they will be afterward. Being alone, limiting or cutting contact with toxic people is not wrong. Determining what you will and will not tolerate in any interaction is healthy. Learning to tell people NO is an important aspect of emotional intelligence. No one is here to save anyone and you will never allow yourself to be exploited or used after this encounter.

Unconditional Love

Believe it or not, you will learn unconditional love from interacting with these half breed aliens. It may first appear as pity or disgust for them, but over time you will realize how sad and pathetic they are. You can love anyone and anything from a distance. You can wish them well. You can pray for them to find the help they need. Narcissists provide a distorted view of the human condition when it is unable to realize it's full potential, or often any potential at all. The interaction really gives one pause to consider just how fragile the human mind and ego is. And we can still love that, just from a very safe distance. Yes, your mother may never become the person you know she could be or your partner. They may never take responsibility for the evil !#$@ they've done. You may never get an apology. But as sad as this may seem, it will only propel your growth and ability to love on a truly deep level, and that is a gift for everyone. And you get to walk away knowing that you did what you could to be a good person.

Love for the Self

Again at the core, a narcissist is like a black hole or abyss. They cannot feel the range of human emotions on such a deep, real and intense level. Their sense of self-love is muddled by delusions, it is false self-love. Yours will not be. Remember, they need to point out others flaws because they cannot look at their own with any honesty or conviction. You will truly be able to look at yourself for who and what you are. All your perfections and flaws, everything that makes you uniquely you and grow from that. It's more than self-love though, it is a true and honest evaluation of who you are and accepting yourself. It's being the best version of yourself that you can be. It's learning from mistakes. It's correcting your wrongs and taking ownership of all of your decisions and life choices. It's accepting your flaws and shortcomings and being open to becoming better. A narcissist cannot do this. Doing this would mean self-destruction of their false projections and that would be death for them. You will know yourself intimately and love yourself.

Upholding Standards, Morality and principles.

So many people that experience narcissist abuse disregard and do things they'd never do. They put up with lies, they lie and make excuses for the narcissist's behavior. They settle for bullshit they'd never want in their lives. They tolerate such a myriad of abuse it's ridiculous. On one hand, this is again tied to boundary issues, but it's deeper than that. When you finally break free from the ensnarement of a narcissist you realize that some principles should never be jeopardized. Humans are capable of building amazing things. We have minds and emotions and the ability to reflect on what we feel and why we do what we do. Upholding principles and morality are the building blocks of humanities evolution. We have a say in hurting any other life form for selfish gain or approval. Honesty, personal integrity, and your morals are important. Your integrity will not waver or be subjected to some schmucks approval when you are out of the sphere of influence of a narcissist. Good human relationships and relating are built on trust, respect, and honesty. Not deceit, lies and manipulation.

Forgiveness

This is a big one. This will take time. This will take effort and self-reflection. But you will learn to forgive yourself and those that hurt you. You'll also forgive yourself for those you may have hurt from your interactions with these mental deficits, degenerates and emotionally bankrupted people. Initially, you will probably want revenge and to make sure they get what they deserve. But that will only lead you in circles. No one gets out of here without paying for what they've done, so revenge is not the place to focus. Focus on your new freedom from toxicity. Focus on forgiving yourself from being human and making mistakes and forgive those who've done you wrong. You will free yourself and be a much happier stable person. You'll also become a shining example of the power forgiveness holds.

© 2019 Rebecca

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