What Happens When You Cut Ties With a Narcissist
Making the Decision
The narcissist in your life can be a friend, boyfriend, sister, wife, mother, father, etc. And no matter the relationship, it will be hard to cut ties. If there are children involved, and you can't cut contact at the moment, you may want to try the grey rock method. Otherwise, No Contact is necessary with a narcissistic individual.
On your end, you may be thinking:
- "Am I over reacting?"
- "Am I the one in the wrong?"
- "Am I going to regret this?"
- General feelings of guilt and shame
You have every right to choose not to engage with anyone who consistently pushes your boundaries, disrespects, bullies, or just makes you feel uncomfortable in their presence.
A narcissistic person will make you feel guilty for setting a boundary. This may have worked for a while; because maybe you've given them the benefit of the doubt time after time, but eventually, enough is enough and its time to cut ties.
IT WILL GET WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER
If you're dealing with a truly narcissistic person, no contact is a must. The best way to do this is cold turkey. It's likely that you've already given them multiple chances and they sweet talked their way back into your good graces. Letting them know what you're doing gives them the opportunity to manipulate you again. You may be thinking of writing a letter, or explaining yourself one last time. It only gives them more power over you. Walk away, and do it proudly.
Typically, after removing a negative or toxic person, your life will become more peaceful after cutting them out. But with a narcissist, you're really only half way there. Narcisisstic people don't take rejection or being told "no" lightly. They will rage, they will want revenge. So I want to let you know some things to look out for as you're on your way to healing.
So, What Happens When You Go No Contact?
1. They will talk about you
Let the gossip and rumors begin. They cannot let anyone think that they actually did something wrong, so they will start talking badly about you. They may use half truths so that the stories seem believable, or they may just flat out lie.
This will be very hurtful when you hear of one of these made up stories. You may hear if from friend or family member warning you about it; or it can come from one of their friends accusing you of this rumor they heard. Either way, the best thing to do is simply deny it but dont react to it. Change the subject and show that it doesn't bother you.
I will say that most people do end up seeing the truth eventually. But some people will just follow the narcissist blindly. Steer clear of those people as well.
2. They will play victim
Everything that they put you through? They will start saying that you did those things to them. They will say how great they were to you and how terribly you treated them. Again, keep your eye on the prize and continue holding your ground. This is so people will feel sorry for them, and to punish you for setting boundaries.
3. They will contact your friends
They will attempt to steal your friends from you. They will tell them the same stories they are saying to everyone else. They want your friends to feel bad for them, and to sabotage what you have. They arent always successful with this. If you have been friends with someone for a long time and are close with them, they likely know your character and won't believe what the narcisisst is saying about you. Now, if they attempt this with not so close friends, you will soon find out who really has your back and who doesnt. And if they don't? Well, good riddance. They very well may still find out on their own later on.
4. They will try to get you back
It's as if nothing ever happened. When they need something, or have no one else to do their bidding, they may try contacting you again. This is why it's important to block them on everything: phone, email, social media, etc..
They'll want to know what you're up to and how you're able to stay away for so long. They very likely have fake social media accounts to spy on yours and keep tabs.
Even if they say the nicest things, know that there is an ulterior motive behind it, and they will be right back to degrading you after they get what they want. Never give in to them, hold your ground, you'll be glad in the long run.
There is Still a Light at the End of the Tunnel
After you cut out a narcissistic person and endure the aftermath, you are still healing from the long term abuse you've endured with them. Go easy on yourself. It will take time, and that's okay. You may have noticed you were losing your personality with them, but you will get yourself back after some time.
For me, a major milestone was at about 6 months of "no contact." I was finally feeling a little more comfortable, not walking on eggshells, and doing more of the things I enjoy. I still have alot of inner healing to do; learning about red flags, and learning about preventing this from happening again has helped immensely.
I recommend finding a therapist that specializes in narcissistic personality disorder to help you navigate everything that you are feeling. I also recommend reading as much as you can on related material, especially on healing from trauma. Below are two books that I've personally read on the subject and found very helpful.
- Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma: Pete
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma [Pete Walker] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD
- Amazon.com: Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships Wi
Amazon.com: Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People (9780425279991): Jackson MacKenzie: Books
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2019 Neena Daniels