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What Is Trust

Updated on July 3, 2009

What is trust and why is it so hard for some and so easy for others? What is it that causes us to lose our trust? Why is it so hard to trust again? What does it take to earn my trust?

These questions occupy much of my private thoughts. I can remember when I trusted easily, over and over and over again. I believed all the lies, all the excuses, all the buts. After years of belief, I no longer believe. I must be shown. In God I trust and almost no others.

Trust is confidence.  A belief that one is what one says they are.  A conviction that the truth is told to you.  Trust is the expectation that someone is true to their statements.  True to their actions.  Trust is believing another will not lie to you, no matter how much it may hurt.  Trust is a reliance on another.

It is easy to trust, when lies are not a way of life.  It is easy to trust when people remain true to their word.  It is easy to trust when words and actions are in accord.  It is easy to trust when someone is honest, real and authentic.  It is easy to trust when you are young and not often hurt. 

It becomes harder to trust when someone lies to you.  It becomes harder to trust when someone says one thing and does another.  It becomes harder to trust when someone cheats you or is dishonest with you.  It becomes harder to trust when someone is disloyal, evil or faithless.

In the beginning it is easy to trust again.  You believe the lies, the excuses.  Depending on your faith in the person you may believe for years.  You may even trust more than one person.  Then one day you realize all of your belief was a lie.  All of your faith was unfounded.  All of your love was used.

Once this happens you wonder, how will you ever try again?  Who would ever want that hurt…who could ever stand that hurt again in their lives?  Why is it that although we are so hurt, so set on never being hurt again, that we still get lonely?  Why aren’t we smart enough to know that hurt is hurt is hurt? What is it that drives humans to trust again?

Humans are social animals…pack animals.  They love to be with others and are never truly fulfilled unless they are in a relationship.  How do you go against human nature?  Easy…lose trust…lose faith…lose confidence.  Pain is the great motivator.  Pain can motivate you to leave behind all social activity.  Pain will make you happy to be alone.

I  almost pity the men who came after my first love.  I thought he was my soul mate.  I thought we would be together forever.  However, when push came to shove, my needs were no where near as important as his to him.  I still don’t think I was being unreasonable.  I have never been a very needy person.  I supported him, I had 3 cars…one for him, one for his brother, and one for his mother.  All I needed was a man to be a father to his child and stop partying.  That was too much.

As a side note:  the con is I have a wonderful, the most wonderful, greatest, loving, mature, understanding daughter.  She is someone I trust unreservedly.  If she told me we had to jump off a bridge, I probably would.  She is very smart, very good at judging people and loves me greatly.  What a wonderful gift life has given me.

Hopefully before this time, but if then, at least it existed for me!
Hopefully before this time, but if then, at least it existed for me!

I tried to trust again after him, but I either attract users or attract losers…but most likely both.  I gave up on trying again.  I made up my mind and I was happier for it.  Once I fell in love again, but he was married and I admired him from afar, never letting him know how I felt.  There is no way I could live with myself if I inflicted such pain on a family. 

Can you ever get past this pain?  I love to think so.  I believe one day I will meet someone who is true.  Someone I will trust again.  Someone who is worthy of my love.  However, I don’t know how I will, because I never go out.  I never try to meet anyone.  I work and that is all.

Once, when I was in New Mexico, I worked with an anesthesiologist from the Middle East.  He read my palm and told me that I would have a great love late in life.  I thanked him for letting me know, thinking to myself, “I hope not too late.”  LOL, but he gave me hope.  He, and a woman I knew who met the man of her dreams after being in a very bad marriage.  She met this man in her late 50’s.  They were married and even 8 years later, still walked hand in hand whenever possible. 

My parents have been married for 50 years this year and if anything love each other more than ever.  They walk hand in hand still.  They prefer to spend time together more than with others.  They do not have the cuteness of new love, but the overwhelming power of a love tried and true.   These are ways I know there is hope.  Now if I can only figure out how to find that hope! 

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    • k@ri profile imageAUTHOR

      Kari Poulsen 

      9 years ago from Ohio

      Thanks lxxy! You are right, and lies are usually the outcome of fear. I try to remember that when people lie to me. Usually they are lying because of insecurities and fears.

    • lxxy profile image

      lxxy 

      9 years ago from Beneath, Between, Beyond

      "Truth is Confidence."

      Well said. =)

      You never have to fear as long as you never lie.

    • k@ri profile imageAUTHOR

      Kari Poulsen 

      9 years ago from Ohio

      apeksha, You need to hope for better! I can tell you being alone is not worth it...not all people are bad. :D

    • apeksha profile image

      apeksha 

      9 years ago from India.

      Trust is all that is so easy to break and is so much difficult to stay with.

      I am alone because of broken trust.

      there not the worth thing in the world than heart broking fiance.

    • k@ri profile imageAUTHOR

      Kari Poulsen 

      9 years ago from Ohio

      ljrc, I am trying more and more to take the plunge. It is very different, I need to let go and becomen who I once was! The happy, go-lucky girl of yesterday!

    • ljrc1961 profile image

      Laura Cole 

      9 years ago from Michigan

      You should read some more of my posts concerning relationships; we have been down the same road and I agree, it is very difficult to trust even though I keep taking the plunge. I hope that you are more on your way too.

    • k@ri profile imageAUTHOR

      Kari Poulsen 

      9 years ago from Ohio

      amazing, The important thing is we need to get by our hurts and somehow learn to trust again. The hardest thing on earth sometimes, but if not we die.

    • amazingcollec profile image

      amazingcollec 

      9 years ago

      I know where your coming from I was severely beaten as a child. Taken away put in a children's home the list goes on. I've had my heart broken, been cheated on and hurt emotionally. Trust is very hard indeed. Very good hub.

    • k@ri profile imageAUTHOR

      Kari Poulsen 

      9 years ago from Ohio

      celistina, I am glad you liked it. It is a story of my life!

      Jbunton, Been there, done that! Now I am not as tolerant!

    • Jbunton profile image

      Jbunton 

      9 years ago from United States of America

      I usually trust people until the give me a reason not to. Then I give them a second chance to regain my trust. One more mistake after that is not tolerated, I'll forgive you, but I will not forget.

    • celistina profile image

      celistina 

      9 years ago

      k@ri, this is a beautiful story. Thanks so much for sharing it.

    • k@ri profile imageAUTHOR

      Kari Poulsen 

      9 years ago from Ohio

      Nanny, I'll keep believing...and wait for my time...it will come! :D

      Prasetio, Trust is hard to keep if you cheat. I agree.

    • prasetio30 profile image

      prasetio30 

      9 years ago from malang-indonesia

      Don't cheat each other. it's the real trust.

    • Nanny J.O.A.T. profile image

      Nanny J.O.A.T. 

      9 years ago from Somewhere over the rainbow

      Keep believing - keep believing - it does show up in the most unexpexted places

    • k@ri profile imageAUTHOR

      Kari Poulsen 

      9 years ago from Ohio

      CA, No! I guess I mis-stated myself! I was wondering if anyone noticed!

    • profile image

      CA 

      9 years ago

      Can you love a person without trusting?

    • k@ri profile imageAUTHOR

      Kari Poulsen 

      9 years ago from Ohio

      LOL, I'm working on that May!

    • mayhmong profile image

      mayhmong 

      9 years ago from North Carolina

      Bring on the sequel girl! I don't think I'll start dating til I'm 30 and older.

    • k@ri profile imageAUTHOR

      Kari Poulsen 

      9 years ago from Ohio

      Nanny, It does seem hard to find, but I'm going to have to believe that it is there somewhere!

    • Nanny J.O.A.T. profile image

      Nanny J.O.A.T. 

      9 years ago from Somewhere over the rainbow

      I hear "trusting unreservedly" very well. It's hard to commit that kind of trust only to have it used against you. Most women, I think want that kind of trust returned to them as well. It just seems so darn hard to find these days!

    • k@ri profile imageAUTHOR

      Kari Poulsen 

      9 years ago from Ohio

      Invictus, I can relate to "honest and trusting" very much. No, I don't want to change, I too like who I am. I am probably much to open when I trust someone. I will tell them anything they want to know.

      I also understand the "reflection". I think others, if they are my friends, will be open and honest also. I "trust" that they will be. Not everyone is built that way I guess, and that is one of the things I don't understand in life. I get hurt deeply when I am lied to by someone I trust. However, I do not think I should expect less. Is that unreasonable? I don't know.

      I only know that when I give of myself, I give unreservedly. When I trust the wrong person, they can drain me dry. My other problem is that although I will not commit my trust easily, once I do I commit completely. And yes, there is that reflection thing again. It is so hard to believe that people do not think the same way as you.

      Thanks for your comment and thoughts!

    • I*n*v*i*c*t*u*s profile image

      I*n*v*i*c*t*u*s 

      9 years ago

      Oh my, k@ri, I so feel what you are saying... I have always been too trusting!?! Though, I have lived most my prime years single and learned to have fun with "players". AMAZING how many are so fearful of real love, I believe... Since my divorce, I have only been with one man. An old flame, though I see more as an object for inspiration as well. twice now I have driven my thoughts to bring me to greater levels than I would not otherwise be.. First being getting married,,, though failed with a lovely child... now living in a foreign country...very happily.. I believe and feel love ...

      My closest friends in life have always said my problem is that I am so honest and trusting, and see others as a reflection as myself... something to look at for sure!

      I see this.. I do not want to change me, I love whom I am happy with whom I hope you do not change either. I live for me and my son. I agree, children are very inspirational.. My son lights my life.

      I used to not want to share him with anyone. when I did it was long distance, so he was not involved. Yet, I have to say, after some time, it would be so much more special to have someone to appreciate life with him so much more special.. We shall see.

      I appreciate your thoughts.. I can so connect..Thank you.

    • k@ri profile imageAUTHOR

      Kari Poulsen 

      9 years ago from Ohio

      CabinGirl, I hope I do also!!! :D

    • k@ri profile imageAUTHOR

      Kari Poulsen 

      9 years ago from Ohio

      May, I will try to keep you updated on my journey to see if it can help. I have major trust issues. You are way too young!

    • mayhmong profile image

      mayhmong 

      9 years ago from North Carolina

      I want my palms read too! I have such a terrible trust issue going on. Especially after what happened...

    • k@ri profile imageAUTHOR

      Kari Poulsen 

      9 years ago from Ohio

      Thanks PaperMoon, and it's OK, knowing people care means a great deal! :D

      droj, Yes I am co-dependent and am attracted to to people who need help. This is why I have stayed away from people for so long. However, you can't live in a vacuum forever! LOL, I guess gullible is my problem, thanks for identifying it!

    • droj profile image

      droj 

      9 years ago from CNY

      "I either attract users or attract losers". You had a similar statement in another hub about the kind of people being attracted. But doesn't the attraction go both ways? There must be something about these people that is attractive, and I would hazzard a guess that it is related to those traits that cause hurt.

      For example, someone close to us repeatedly enters into unhealthy relationships, despite the obviousness to everyone else. She rationalises and excuses, but so far, the guys are generally more interested in what they want. She can NOT be alone, and yet is lonely. "What does she see in these guys?", we ask; I'm assured they are not necessarily attractive. I've come to think that it's actually their self-centered-ness that attracts her: it comes across as a kind of confidence (it's really arrogance), and she latches on to the goal of being important to them. Subconciously, if she can be "the one" that they put before themselves, then her insecurities will be answered. But it just doesn't happen; they're just not that kind of people.

      This is a bit more long-winded than I intended, but the point is something you here often in regards to self-destructive behaviors: you're surrounding yourself with the wrong "kind" of people. (I hope that doesn't sound judgemental, but people from similar walks of life have similar tendencies).

      One last thought: there's trusting, and there's gullible. Charlie Brown is the latter.

    • Paper Moon profile image

      Paper Moon 

      9 years ago from In the clouds

      Just dont know quite what to say here, other than I feel you. Mind you being in D.C., can't help that matter too much.

    • k@ri profile imageAUTHOR

      Kari Poulsen 

      9 years ago from Ohio

      Queen of the Lint, I think my problem is I trust too easy and then get hurt. Still learning this skill! :)

      Feline Prophet, My problem is I give them the benefit of the doubt, again and again and again...like Charlie Brown when Lucy offers him the football! LOLl!

    • profile image

      Feline Prophet 

      9 years ago

      Most of us tend to give others the benefit of doubt till proved otherwise...

    • Queen of the Lint profile image

      Queen of the Lint 

      9 years ago from The Laundry Room

      Trust is a big issue. It is usually earned and hard to get back once lost. But it's there!

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