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What Is this You are Doing God

Updated on November 20, 2013

Mommy & Baby Sis

Me, Mom, her baby sister Annette, and her twin brother Perry
Me, Mom, her baby sister Annette, and her twin brother Perry
Mom, me, and Jacey
Mom, me, and Jacey

A Different Kind of Nightmare

Ok, so I am carrying on with my seemingly sweet life. I am sick, but a stomach virus won't kill me.Then, I fall asleep with my mother's smile being the last thing I see. I get the feeling she wants to talk to me, but my body is too exhausted for me to do anything, but sleep. I wake up 2 in the morning. I see visions of my great-grandmother and my grandmother. I figure, oh my uncle is not going to make it and he is probably going to die. I turn on the light, oh don't want to hear mom complain, so I turn it off. I pace. Its four still can't sleep, tired of lying here. It's cold as ice. I turn off the Air Conditioner. It's five, I go outside and roll up my car window, its raining so hard outside. Thank God, I got it up! It's six I look in on Mom again and her leg is hanging off the bed, definitely not going to wake her up. I hear my little sister, Hell bent on going to school. Don't feel like fighting, so go to wake up Mom. Shake her, nothing.... Shake her again, is she playing?... I have seen this before in a dream and she was kidding me and we laughed. Touch her leg and she's dead. No, Mommy! No, Mommy! I am an instant infant! I scream, I cry, I try to move her, nothing! What the Hell, God! Last night Mommy told me how she wanted to fight for her life no matter what! I can't even turn her over or put her leg on the bed. She's cold at the bottom. Wait she is a little warm. There may be a chance..... Call 911. I can't turn her. Oh the humanity, she tells me to stop screaming, what the hell does she suppose I do. I get my daughter out of the room. My sister shakes Mom, my mom's baby handicapped baby sister falls to the ground screaming. The room is roaring with pain and agony. The ambulance makes it! We wait... They say she's gone! No, I pray, I beg, I plea with God, I bargain, I swear, I curse. She died and the expression on her face lets you know she fought to her last breathe. What do I do with that!? She said she wanted to fight and she did. My sister is 14, my daughter is 4, my aunt is 47, and I am only 28. I use to think I was getting old, but now I feel like a motherless child. I never understood what it meant to feel totally alone. To not have a mother. I felt as though I was lucky and now I am a motherless child, who use to have a mother. My aunt tried to help she told my daughter that she could have 2 new grandmothers. My daughter told me and it hurt so bad. I understood the gesture, but Maria has a grandmother. Sherry Maria Stuckey is the grandmother of Maria Gabrielle Stuckey, without there being a Sherry Maria, her name would not be Maria Gabrielle. She was the apple of her grandmother's eye, sharing not only a name, an attitude, but a birthday as well. She has a grandmother. My sister was not given the opportunity to have mother see her grow into a young lady. Thanks cruel God. And my aunt, my poor sweet aunt, who cried, "I ain't got nobody now!" The void of those three seems as deep as the abyss. Then, not to discount myself, my grief. My aunt said, I was your age when my mom died and I didn't give for many years, because I had to handle things. I understood that. I really did. Then, there was the ones that said its all for the best. (What the hell!) It happened for a reason. (Tell me why?) Don't question God! (Well, who am I suppose to question, you can't tell me anything?) So I guess I should just take it and not express my truths. Well, if there is anything I learned as a chaplain I have to be honest and truthful and expressive in my grief. I can not wear a mask, yes I am not going to fall apart in front of any of you. I will keep pushing forward, because I have to. I have become a mother of 3 in a matter of hours. If I don't speak to you, its because I am busy healing, handling business, or holding it together. I am who I am. I am not trying to disrespect anyone or anything. I am just trying to deal with the hand I have been dealt. I am holding it together with Ducktape and safety pins and if one more thing happens. I will keep pushing on.... Oh, and lest I forget my Uncle that was in the hospital we visited everyday, whose room was across from Mommy's died the day before her funeral. What irony!! This is not the end this is a new beginning. A nightmare at times, a dream in moments, but its another world. Can't say I like it, can't say I don't, really can't say much of anything right now. One thing is I have my voice backkkk!! And you will hear me God!

Mom

Sherry Maria Stuckey
Sherry Maria Stuckey
Mommy at prom
Mommy at prom
Mommy as a kid
Mommy as a kid

One of her favorite songs, she was very inspirational

One of her favorites from one of her favorite movies

Meant to be Me and Mommy!

Speak Up!

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    • brittvan22 profile image
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      brittvan22 3 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      thank you truthfornow.

    • truthfornow profile image

      truthfornow 3 years ago from New Orleans, LA

      Sorry for your loss.

    • brittvan22 profile image
      Author

      brittvan22 4 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      @Erin elise, thanks for your kind words, it was very hard and somewhat healing when I wrote this piece. My mom meant so much to me she was my Mom, my partner in crime, the good cop to my bad cop, there will never be another to have such a great inpact and influence on my life and I'm ok with that. No one can fill those size 10 1/2's. Her spirit lives on definitely in myself, my sister, and my four year old Maria, she is very much like my mother. Thanks again for your kind words.

    • ErinElise profile image

      Erin 4 years ago from Near Sacramento, California

      Brittvan, I am so sorry for your loss. This hub was so touching and made me cry. I wish I could give you a hug. Take care and God Bless.

    • brittvan22 profile image
      Author

      brittvan22 4 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      Thanks, she was truly a one of a kind, and my Louise. World seems much different with out her. I hope to be half the Mom she was to me to my daughter, my sister, and my Aunt.

    • kashmir56 profile image

      Thomas Silvia 4 years ago from Massachusetts

      So sorry to hear about your loss,you are in my prayers and thoughts .

    • Jean Bakula profile image

      Jean Bakula 4 years ago from New Jersey

      Words are so inadequate in this case. Time does help you heal. I lost my Mom when I was 39. We were very close, and not a day goes by where I don't think of her. We were born both on the 4th of July, so in the US, it's not a day you can escape from. I inevitably go outside and cry as I hear the last fireworks. But I think of her laughing and have good memories now. You will too. Hang in there.

    • truefaith7 profile image

      truefaith7 4 years ago from USA

      I am so sorry for your loss brittvan.

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 4 years ago from Southern Illinois

      I am soo sorry. God Bless..

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