What It's Like to Contemplate Suicide
Sometimes I want to rip off my skin
Let me tell you exactly how bad mental illness is.
I don't brush my teeth or wash my face anymore. I only shower once a week at the most. Dirty dishes pile up in a bucket in my room. I barely eat. I drink a lot. Sometimes I cut myself out of self-hatred. My room is a mess. There's bloody tissues everywhere from frequent nosebleeds, as I don't have the energy to apply medication. My lips are chapped and I have sores on the corners of my mouth from throwing up, either purging or withdrawal.
My life is a mess and I can't do anything about it.
Medications don't work well and I'm tired of life. Struggling so badly.
Most days I want to die.
Get It Out Of My Head...
All I can think about is death. It's normal for me. It boggles my mind that other people don't have these thoughts.
I don't understand normal people and they don't understand me.
How could someone just become nearly catatonic? How is it so hard to brush my damn teeth? Right?
Well, it is.
And I've been lying face down in the mud at the bottom of the deepest hole in the world. And the only way out is death.
I feel trapped.
Another terrible thing is the SCREAMING in my head, I can't stop yelling at myself, most of the scolding is due to food.
Such a fucking gross word.
I tied a noose the other night but I don't know where I'd hang it.
So I just have a noose in my closet.
Yeah, I should probably be hospitalized. But those places are boring and dangerous. And I get tempted to eat cuz that's pretty much all there is to do. Most adult wards have TVs, but I never get to pick the show cuz I'm tiny and small and shy.
I suppose I could go into more detail, especially about adolescent wards, but I may put that in another article.
So yeah. This is my life.
And I want it to end so bad.
I'm going to have a cigarette.