What are narcissistic wounds, and what are their implications for adult behavior?
Third generation child of a narcissist
As a third generation child of narcissism I am speaking from experience not education. All accounts are from my own experience and observation of the family dynamic.
The experience I am sharing is from my immediate and extended family and observation of other narcissistic families, many who continue the narcissistic cycle, but many have broken out of its bondage.
My path has lead to great healing and ability to accept and give love freely and unconditionally. In my relationship of 15 years to a wonderful, loving, supportive man, it still surprises me sometimes when his reactions to me are stable and loving.
It seems I still have memories to be released!
The wounds adult children of narcissistic parents still carry are simply the memories which if vigilently observed for their origin can be released and new beliefs installed. It is no different for a child of a narcissistic parent than any other - memories playing in the subconscious cause the reactions and responses as an adult.
For the adult child of a narcissist the ability to see clear of the fog to find the self is no doubt the greatest challenge but a certainty if pursued.
If not recognized and questioned, the adult child continues the narcissistic cycle. When the child becomes what it is the narcissistic parent projects upon them and surrenders all sense of self and gets lost. The cycle continues.
The Walls of Protection Go Up
To avoid the feelings of always beiing uncertain and on unsteady ground, unable to establish self worth and purpose - the child accepts the narcissistic behavior and avoids relationships that put on any emotional demands.
A maternal narcissist is often the breeder of narcissistic children; more so than a paternal narcissist.
The child of narcissistic parent is constantly aware that every deed, action and word is perceived by the parent as a reflection of the parent. In an effort to avoid conflict and drama, the child suppresses desires, needs and expression of any emotion.
The child pretends to be whatever the parent is pretending or projecting on the child. Of course our greatest legacy is perfection.
It's All Learned Behavior
That learned behavior causes the adult child of the narcissist to remain unable to express or even understand their own emotions. They surrendered their own feelings to the parent so long - there is no longer an ability to recognize or discern their own.
In my experience and observation adult children who still struggle with the ability to connect with others at a deep emotional and vulnerable level either physically isolate themselves, turn to addictions or participate in relationships at superficial levels.
In every case, friendships and even intimate relationships have a fortress built around them where no one can penetrate except when the adult child wants to manipulate for their own gain.
I see adult children unable to find their own place in the world and still avoiding their own feelings.
Concern for the parents response and desire for love, acceptance and even if false, a sense of stability, the child suppressed desires, personality, inclinations for so long they appear to wonder through life as a hollow shell.
In my personal experience the second generation maternal narcissist was less stable in finding a mate to provide basic life supportive skills adding a new dimension of fear and insecurity.
Her unwillingness to open herself to any relationship that would make emotional demands proved isolating and lonely. The burden was on the children to fill all emotional needs.
The fear of uncovering the true self prevented her from seeking the help that could have offered a glimpse into the real world of love.
Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len and Me
Child of the Narcissist
There is a true story of a psychologist who healed an entire ward of criminally insane patients without ever treating them!
Dr. Hew Len, (pictured to the right) worked as a psychologist in the Hawaii State Hospital, ward for the criminally insane. In three years time he never treated a single patient but healed them all.
You can read about this fascinating story in the book Zero Limits, by Joe Vitale and learn the method he used for your own healing.
I've written an article introducing the technique called Self I-Dentity through Ho'oponopono. You will learn what it is and how to begin releasing erroneous memories that are replaying and creating the life you are experiencing.
It is possible and actually quite simple to release the memories - thereby changing your experience. It is not necessary or even possible for you to know what the memories are that are playing in order to be free from them.
You will see amazing examples of burdens and outcomes fall away like leaves falling off of trees as you begin to release erroneous memories.
Read the article for practical tips on how to start and download the recording of the Zero Limits audio book and hear about seemingly miraculous "cures". The reality is, there is nothing to cure, only memories to be released to reveal God's perfection.
I hope you find the hope to at least consider the possibility.