What it feels like to lose your soul mate
What is a soul mate?
Many people have different thoughts on soul mates. To me a soul mate is part destiny and part decision. Paths are crossed, but the choices you have made and will make change things for you. A soul mate dives into you and loves you completely and unconditionally as you are. There is no compromising yourself. That love then becomes the fuel that causes evolution in you both. The best in you comes out naturally and together you reach greatness. The good times are amazing and the tough times are small and worthwhile obstacles. You both make an active choice to become one, come what may. My husband was my soul mate. He was a man that I could see myself spending multiple lifetimes with, given the opportunity. He gave me a love that I feel can transcend thru space and time, Heaven and Earth. I saw myself being a happy old lady next to him. I wanted to receive all of my good news and my bad news in the security of his strong supportive arms. We could be poor or have it all and it would not alter the strength of our love. He introduced me to a whole new level of love and life. He took me as I was, for who I was, without expecting me to compromise at all. He laughed at all of my tantrums and never got upset. He was my strength, my stability, my voice of reason, and so much more. I in turn gave him all I could of me and made a daily effort to reach agape love with him knowing that agape love is considered to great to be achieved by humans.
Before I met him, I needed or wanted for nothing. Now that he has gone to heaven everything here seems pointless and worthless. I have more now than I did before him and it means nothing with him gone. They are just things. I have a great need that nothing here can fill. I want for something that can't be given to me and that does not even exist on this Earth anymore. We glided thru life despite the obstacles. We floated, happily and peacefully thru our days completely satisfied with our little life. Our love cultivated us and we both flourished under it. We began to see more clearly what mattered most in life and were making plans to distance ourselves from the traps. Having been rewarded with each other, all days were happy...
Loosing my soul mate
The morning of your death, I was ripped violently away from you. The blow almost ripped off my wings. Not just a fall, I was slammed down into the earth where I have been unable to move for now 36 days. The pain encompassed my entire body as if I were being torn directly in the center. I felt and still feel incomplete. I am not whole. I was left bleeding out and in pain. I am bleeding still. Consumed by pain and emptiness, I walk an unfamiliar path thru a world that seems more fierce, empty, pointless, wasteful, and foreign to me. Nothing makes sense. I feel alone everywhere, lost in confusion. Doubt and confusion are the demons that attack the most. They grab hold by my hair and send me into rage.
Having chosen to become one, we were like siamese twins. Born together. 2 people sharing one body. Separating them requires time, careful planning, a team of highly skilled doctors, recovery measures, and prayer. With all of these things, the odds are still against them. We had no such careful measures. I woke up one morning having been carelessly cut from you, left behind to survive now half of what I once was. My life is one breath at a time. I bandage myself and drag myself forward. The life that I can see painted so beautifully before me is now a dark veil. What once can go on forever now ends at the end of my nose. I don't know time, I can't feel you, I can't feel me, I can't feel God.
I am so proud of the man you are and the love we have. I am proud to be your wife. You deserve the best of heaven. I do not blame or hate God. I celebrate your life and our love. I continue by faith. None of this dries the endless tears or dulls the bottomless pain. It does not provide light in my darkness. It does not fill the void. What was once a star within me shining so bright is now a supernova. The black hole within me threatens daily to pull me in. It is a daily struggle to try to learn how to keep from losing myself and all the things that you love in me. Thank the Lord for the light that compels me to move, the 8 yr old angel that is left in my care. She is being used to save me everyday.