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When was the first time that you changed?

Updated on December 14, 2011
carolinemd21 profile image

I am an artist, designer, photographer and writer. See more of my work on cmariearts.

I've had a few in my life, but there was one I remember so clearly because it changed my life forever. At the time I didn't know if it was really a good thing or a bad thing. I was really young. It was right before I turned thirteen. It might have been growing up or reaching puberty but I think it was more than that. I felt like a whole different person from that moment on.

When I was twelve and in 7th grade I had an eating disorder. I became obsessed with looking perfect. It almost completely took over me. Society was always throwing images of supermodels and looking beautiful and the boys around me weren't helping things either. I started working out like crazy, missing meals, and only eating Special K cereal. It seemed to make me drop weight quick. I never got super sickly skinny like some of the celebrities they show on TV but people started to notice and they started to notice I wasn't eating a lot. It's funny because the boys started to notice too. I was a normal average thin before I started and ended up being model thin. I remember being so proud of myself. I would put on a bikini and look in the mirror so happy with my body. Wishing I was on spring break vacation while watching MTV or on Baywatch. It completely became an obsession.

I loved the attention from boys, but I also started losing some friends from it which made me sad. I started becoming really self absorbed only thinking about myself and my weight. I got so caught up in my head I forgot everything else. I felt on edge all the time. I was looking in the mirror all the time and obsessing at what I looked like. My thoughts were changing too. I started feeling like I was really different inside. My parents became worried about me. I started getting out of control and depressed. I started avoiding everyone and became lost in my own world. It got a lot worse before it got better. I ended up going into a deep depression for awhile. Then something changed.

I started seeing people different. Almost like seeing through them. Things I didn't see in them before I saw now. I saw the fake sides of some and the great sides in others. I went away to a special place deep inside myself because really I didn't know how to handle all of the changes and emotions going on inside of me. Part of me felt like I was going crazy. I was trying to disconnect from myself because I couldn't handle it. People said it could have been post traumatic syndrome from sexual abuse or emotional and mental abuse. It could have been. It was a very hard time in my life. So, I had to find spirituality to help me. It was the only way or I would've have gone crazier then I already was or commit suicide. I never really cared for religion or anything before. Never really believed in it, but spirituality was different. Believing in something out there that is more than just us awakened me to life again. I stopped with the eating disorder and tried to love myself in a new way and stopped trying to please others and what they wanted. I also let go of a lot of people in my life that I wasn't benefiting from anymore. I totally changed and saved myself.


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    • carolinemd21 profile image

      Caroline Marie 5 years ago

      Hi Mary thank you for reading and your kind words. I am glad I could help. :)

    • maryhoneybee profile image

      maryhoneybee 5 years ago from Richmond, Virginia

      Powerful hub. You are very brave to open yourself up like this, and this shows you can go through horrible phases in your life and come out on top. I think you've inspired your readers. =)

    • carolinemd21 profile image

      Caroline Marie 5 years ago

      Hi Felina thank you so much for your kind and supportive words! I pray that you answer your heart's call and start writing from your soul. It is very healing. Until then recipes it is! :)

    • Felina Margetty profile image

      Felina Margetty 5 years ago from New York, New York

      It is obvious to me that you are in touch with your creator forces and it seems a few angels have stopped in to help you as well. You writing rings out an underlying faith and compassion which are key elements in reaching inward to those stores of courage which you possess. This is such a powerful piece of writing, I only wish I had the courage to put down more than recipes on my page. Cheers F.

    • carolinemd21 profile image

      Caroline Marie 6 years ago

      @ Escobana thank you for the kind words! You made my day. Those are some of the best things I have heard about my writing. Your hubs are also very inspirational!

      @ Momma thank you for reading and sharing!

      @ Made thanks for reading and commenting!

    • Made profile image

      Madeleine Salin 6 years ago from Finland

      I'm glad you could turn something bad in your life into something good. Good hub!

    • Momma Mia profile image

      Momma Mia 6 years ago from North Carolina

      Great Hub ! Life teaches much ... and most times..... Lessons are blessing! Happy New Year !



    • Escobana profile image

      Escobana 6 years ago from Valencia

      Spirituality is a very strong and intense way to overcome dark stages in life. Your story is touching, your courage is endless and your power as a woman is bigger than you might know.

      May 2012 be a wonderful year for you! You're a great writer Caroline!

      Voted up, away and shared:-)

    • carolinemd21 profile image

      Caroline Marie 6 years ago

      Thank you ishwaryaa22 for reading and the compliment!

    • ishwaryaa22 profile image

      Ishwaryaa Dhandapani 6 years ago from Chennai, India

      I am glad you accepted for who you are. Way to Go!

    • carolinemd21 profile image

      Caroline Marie 6 years ago

      Thank you for stopping by thesingernurse. I appreciate your comment. :)

    • thesingernurse profile image

      thesingernurse 6 years ago from Rizal, Philippines

      I admire your courage caroline. I wish you all the best and success in life. You deserve it!

    • carolinemd21 profile image

      Caroline Marie 6 years ago

      Thanks for reading and commenting Mathira.

    • mathira profile image

      mathira 6 years ago from chennai

      When you love yourself you evolve into a wonderful person.Good hub, carolinemd21.