When was the first time that you changed?
I've had a few in my life, but there was one I remember so clearly because it changed my life forever. At the time I didn't know if it was really a good thing or a bad thing. I was really young. It was right before I turned thirteen. It might have been growing up or reaching puberty but I think it was more than that. I felt like a whole different person from that moment on.
When I was twelve and in 7th grade I had an eating disorder. I became obsessed with looking perfect. It almost completely took over me. Society was always throwing images of supermodels and looking beautiful and the boys around me weren't helping things either. I started working out like crazy, missing meals, and only eating Special K cereal. It seemed to make me drop weight quick. I never got super sickly skinny like some of the celebrities they show on TV but people started to notice and they started to notice I wasn't eating a lot. It's funny because the boys started to notice too. I was a normal average thin before I started and ended up being model thin. I remember being so proud of myself. I would put on a bikini and look in the mirror so happy with my body. Wishing I was on spring break vacation while watching MTV or on Baywatch. It completely became an obsession.
I loved the attention from boys, but I also started losing some friends from it which made me sad. I started becoming really self absorbed only thinking about myself and my weight. I got so caught up in my head I forgot everything else. I felt on edge all the time. I was looking in the mirror all the time and obsessing at what I looked like. My thoughts were changing too. I started feeling like I was really different inside. My parents became worried about me. I started getting out of control and depressed. I started avoiding everyone and became lost in my own world. It got a lot worse before it got better. I ended up going into a deep depression for awhile. Then something changed.
I started seeing people different. Almost like seeing through them. Things I didn't see in them before I saw now. I saw the fake sides of some and the great sides in others. I went away to a special place deep inside myself because really I didn't know how to handle all of the changes and emotions going on inside of me. Part of me felt like I was going crazy. I was trying to disconnect from myself because I couldn't handle it. People said it could have been post traumatic syndrome from sexual abuse or emotional and mental abuse. It could have been. It was a very hard time in my life. So, I had to find spirituality to help me. It was the only way or I would've have gone crazier then I already was or commit suicide. I never really cared for religion or anything before. Never really believed in it, but spirituality was different. Believing in something out there that is more than just us awakened me to life again. I stopped with the eating disorder and tried to love myself in a new way and stopped trying to please others and what they wanted. I also let go of a lot of people in my life that I wasn't benefiting from anymore. I totally changed and saved myself.