When Life Gets You Down, (Try To) Go To Sleep
Happy anniversary! Don't forget your medication!
I'll try not to get overly emotional or depressing while I attempt to explain a day in the life of someone I know, me. So, I suffer from depression. I have for probably the last twenty years. I've been on and off medication and am currently in denial. Everything is great! Everything is perfect! As my life is falling apart around me. Dramatic? Yes. True? Yes. It's my brilliant wit that gets me through.
So, anyway. A day. October 20, 2013. My first wedding anniversary. Guess where I was? Visiting my husband in the mental hospital! Let me tell you, it's a unique way to celebrate. I'm willing to bet not too many people have chosen to do this, but it's definitely a memorable option. A few months prior, he had lost his job and then proceeded to lose his mind. Voices told him to kill himself. Trains said, "Jump in front of me!". Good times.
We played scrabble for 10 hours straight, while I tried to talk him into living. I wanted to leave, run out of there and never look back. But, I couldn't. For better or worse, right? He was there for seven days, the voices finally stopped and he began medication that he should have been on years ago. He was diagnosed with bipolar disease. It was not the anniversary gift I had expected.
Fast forward a year, and he's doing great. The medication has been a blessing and he's back to work, making a new life for himself. Our second anniversary is coming up, and I admit I'm nervous. Expectations are high, reality is iffy.
Personally? I'm on hold. Limbo. Numb. I can't cry or rage or laugh. I am feelingless (is that even a word?) I sleep a lot, or try to anyway. Usually, I just lay there and think about how I ended up here. My depression has taken over big time, and while I feel down, that's about the only thing I feel. My life now revolves around where my husband is, what he's doing, and if he's still alive. It's irritating. On top of all that, my son has decided to befriend our local police, but that a story for a different time.
I'm sure you're wondering if I'm medicated, and the truth is, I'm not. I don't wanna! You can't make me! UGH. I hate being on medication. But, I realize something has to change. I can't keep feeling like this, or rather NOT feeling.
What would you do? Are there other options besides medication? Exercise? Diet? Disappear? Create a new identity? What are your experiences with depression and bipolar disease?