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When losing something you never had

Updated on January 14, 2013

Giving Life is a Beautiful Gift

There are moments in life where we experience joy. sadness, and excitement all at once and that is giving birth. I never realized after having a full hysterectomy by the age of 40 without having children would cause me so much pain.

As I walked in the store the other day I heard the young child in his mothers arms say mommy I love you, I know you love me too. How precious those words must be to her. Yes, at times your child may do things that will cause you to scream or feel like you want to run. But you must admit there are times when you look into the little persons eyes when they said something cute or surprising and felt so proud and endearing.

I remember asking my mom how does it feel to hear mommy or mom? She said at times if feels great. When I was a little girl I always dreamed of having 10 children. I know that's a lot but I always wanted a little person that I could hold and look into their eyes and see me. Someone I could encourage I could comfort and I could love.

I have 3 beautiful children that were not born due to miscarriages. I little girl at age 17 years old I named her Bethany Elizabeth, my little boy at age 18 his name was Octavious Deonry, and my little girl at age 25 her name was Breanna Alexandra nickname Breezy. I dream of my children all the time. I always wondered was I being punished because I was a bad girl. I dream of my children all the time. My first 2 children died due to miscarriage caused my early labor, I was young and didn't know what was going on with my body and at 4 months pregnant my babies naturally came out I found out that my endometrial tissue grew outside of my uterus which meant that the embryo was unable to latch onto my uterus wall and when it became too heavy to stay in it came out when I had a strain going to the bathroom. My last baby died due to abuse. My ex-husband was so angry because I was asking him about his cheating on me, I was at the top of the stairs when he hit me. I tried not to fall but I couldn't hold my balance and fell down all 25 steps. I had to have an emergency DNC because I hemoraging very badly.

I think about my babies often. In 2006 I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer and had to have a partial hysterectomy at age 36 then 4 years later I had tumors on my left ovary and had to have my ovaries removed so having children with my now beautiful husband is not possible. I know everyone said I could adopt but its not the same. Remember when you were a child you would put a ball or a pillow under your shirt to see how you would look pregnant? I wanted the feeling when the baby kicked, or moved. I wanted to see how it felt when I held my baby in my arms, sung to the baby, loved the baby be a family.

I found out how depressed I was when I watched my favorite show "Bones" and Angela and Hodgens had their little boy Michael, as they were holding the baby I started crying. I could only imagine how that would feel. I try not to cry around my husband. My husband had 4 beautiful grown children and 5 beautiful grand-daughters. I claim them as mine but I know they will never call me mom because they have a mom. My mother reminded me of that one day when she was really mad at me she said you think they will call you mom but they will never call you mom because you will never be their mother. It hurt so bad I wanted to just crash my car into a retainer wall and hurt myself so she would feel bad. But Instead I eat and eat and eat until I get sick and then go into the hospital.

I wanted to share my feelings of losing something I never had because it may seem as though I should not be sad over something I have never had in the first place. it is not true, you can lose something you never had because now I won't ever have a baby from my own belly. In the bible it states that a baby is like a gift from the belly. I believe that. Some women have several children and neglect them or give them away like my mother when she was 5 years old her mother gave her away. Some women have children and are overly protective of them. Some women would be great mothers but could never have children of their own. Some women don't want any children at all. I for my part wish I would know what kind of mother I would be. I would love my child, support my child. My parents would tell me no one would love me until I lose the weight, I would be pretty if I lose weight, I would have children if I lose weight, but I lost 135lbs I lost the weight but no children of my own. I feel like if they just taught me to love myself as is I would have learned to lose weight because I wanted too.

My suggestion to all you mothers or women who want to be mothers, remember a life is a wonderful gift, being a mother is a blessing. I am not a political person so this is not a statement for pro life etc... This is a voice of a woman that yearns to be a mother and can't. I hope that tonight you hold your little ones and tell them that you love them and no matter what you will always be there for them and they can trust and count on you. Those who want to be moms find someone to mentor, I have a best friend that is 7 years younger than me and I more of a mother figure to her or sister. She had a massive stroke that caused her to lose her speech and her ability to think for herself. I have been her shoulder to cry on and her friend that is her mouth piece in some occasions I feel like I am her mom. Its not the same as having my own child but it helps sometimes. Love is the key.


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    • ruoiled profile image

      Linda Cordero-Iglesia 4 years ago from On Etsy as Ruoiled, in Purdys, NY

      Thank you for sharing something so personal! I would love to encourage you to look into foster care because I always felt I went to the wrong parents, even as a little baby, my memory goes back to about 9 months old. I spent the first 10 years of my life being abused in every way, walking in school, faking happiness, knowing under my clothes were bruises put there from my parents. You have much healing still to do, but you also have so much love to give and so much love yet to receive. If you'll connect with me I will give you a healing meditation, and help you find the courage to bring more children into your life. I can't begin to tell you how my foster mother changed my life! I didn't get her until I was 17 and then she died when I was 40. but I know I am who I am because of her love and the difference she made in my life! And I am a better mother because she loved me.

    • livinfree1day2nxt profile image

      ash marie 5 years ago from California

      I too feel your pain. Great story.