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Where Do Broken Hearts Go?
Have you had you heart broken?
To fall in love vs loving someone
I was lucky enough to taste the honey of being in love with someone. Also the peace and completion that loving someone brought to my life. A love devoid of traps and jealousy.
A love with ties strong enough to anchor me to the ground. A love that gave me wings and the desire to fly away. The same one that made clear that I lacked something. Meaning, even though he completed me, he needed more than I could offer. Or, it simply wasn't meant to be.
I have loved many, is simple, is pure and does not require to be reciprocated. Friends, family, even strangers just because. Now, I have only fallen in love once. I know what it feels to give openly, without reservation. And fell blessed about it. Pathetic isn't it ?
Maybe because I experienced it through the eyes of a child of fifteen ( that was the age I was when I met him). Or maybe I dared to believe that loving someone is all that I needed when being in love fails. Besides I learned by reading the bible that;
" Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always persevere. "- 1 Corinthians 3:4-7
I must be weird though. I love with all of those requirements and yet, when I fell in love this was the very thing that broke my heart.
What does it feel to have your heart broken?
I remember the moment when I had the sudden realization that , my love and his love did not fell into the same category. The how and the what is irrelevant, what matters is that, I knew that a part of my soul froze. Just like a frost bitten limb, my chest was devoid of air and I couldn't move, or blink.
My thoughts and my body disconnected from each other in a matter of seconds. There was no yesterday, no tomorrow; only the very real mourning of my soul. I felt like someone I loved dearly had died. What I did not know at the time was that It was me that died that day. Not because of what he told me, but rather that I knew it all along. For the longest it was a puzzle in my mind, because my heart never dared to feel again. It is a very real sense of disconnection, to the point of me thinking ; Where is my heart anyway ?
Can a broken heart be mended?
I don't know. Since that day I have been alone, even though we are still married, remaining friends. Only recently I decided to end it formally. This happened almost twenty years ago, and nothing could fix it, maybe that was the price that we both paid. Me for believing it , and him for not being honest about it from the beginning.
Can it be mended? I have no clue, because is not relevant anymore. I guess for most people is just part of life. To substitute one person for another, we ensure the continuance of life. My heart left that day and never came back. The night before was the last time I said I love you to a man. Sad...maybe, tragic... perhaps. Where does broken hearts go?
Where do broken hearts go?
To healing hands of time I guess. Like Mary Oliver said:
"Someone I loved once gave a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too was a gift."- Mary Oliver
I guess when time mends all of those broken hearts, it will return them, gold plated just if in case. Being in love is a gamble that two can win, or loose. When we love someone we win no matter the outcome.
In a nut shell...
© 2015 Anan Celeste