- Death & Loss of Life
Why Do You Treat Me So Bad?
Take Good Care of Yourself
We are living the lives we have because we have chosen them. The outcome of the choices you made yesterday, three days ago, a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, ten years ago, are the stuff your life is made up of now. I never knew how true this was until the moment I became a mother. Having the baby in my arms and knowing she was depending on me and me alone made me want to be the woman I am today. Once I made my mind up to be a mother to my child, I also made a vow to give up my childish ways. At least those I was completely aware of. I wanted to be the best parent I could be. One thing I knew for sure and believed wholeheartedly was that children need both parents. I was willing to give my child that, but not in E. St. Louis. I knew I had to move away. I have never thought about this until now, but did I know Brett (my daughter’s father) would not want to leave the city? I don’t think so.
I look at the people around me and for the most part, no matter what age, I see children scrambling to fit in, trying to make it seem as though they know what they are doing and failing miserably. The divorce rate is a great example of how children playing adult games can really mess up something great. If only we would take more time to get to know who we are and what we are about before jumping into a lifelong commitment with someone, we could have the love of our lives. We really could have it all. Yet, what we have is a bunch of statistics, with plenty of data to back it up that clearly shows we do not play well with others.
There is woman reading this right as a kid. She gladly did everything, because that is what mothers do. She does not realize the impact her play will have on the rest of her development. She will sooner than later learn that the playtime would have been complete had she had massage time. But no, we neglect ourselves in the name of loving others, who we often don’t know either. Yes, I am talking about your family. The people who you claim you do all you do for. Those people who ignore the signs of your needing a rest to make sure you get what they need done. Yes, those people.
Our bodies are crying out, “Why do you treat me so bad?” It really does want to know so it aches and pains you until you can no longer stand it. You find out the problem and then are faced with the choice of taking care of yourself, or to continue on the path you currently walk. I’ve had some very spiritual moments during health crisis. When my gall bladder was taken out, I learned why gluttony was a sin. During the attack, I was eating fried chicken. I’d throw up, then turn around and eat more. I was almost literally paralyzed with pain. I finally got my fill of chicken and the vomiting stopped. I later learned I had basically fried my gall bladder by eating so much fatty foods. I would not have ever stopped overeating had the pain not been so great. The pain made me take a good a good look at what I was doing to myself.
Why did I treat myself so bad? I feel sort of silly saying it. It really is so simple. I hated myself. I didn’t know how worthy I was of living a good life, of feeling good about life and how important it is to live life as long as you take a breath. Watching my husband slowly lose his life has made me renew my commitment to life. I now know my husband is not mentally flexible or enlightened enough at this point in his life to understand the dynamics that have come together to form the life he has created. I do think he is astonished he has lived this long and does credit it to the fact I love him. This may true, but my love for him has not made him want to take care of his health.
I cried this morning because he is in so much pain and discomfort. His legs and thighs have filled with fluid. He feels like he weighs 300 pounds. Every time he tries to lie down his breathing is interrupted and he has to get up and walk around. I know when he is almost too far gone, when he coughs over and over and can’t seem to catch his breath. He will not listen to me and I refuse to call an ambulance because he will refuse to go and that cost too much money. Why should it even come down to that? Childishness is the answer.
He has remained in a childlike state too long. His need for immediate gratification and constant good times has caused him to live with rose colored glasses on. Now, after fifty years, he is seeing more clearly, thus the little boy ignores the truth. He does not accept his kidneys are only functioning 24%. He does not accept he was told to be watchful of the signs of stroke. He does not accept he can very seldom hold something in his hand, or open a bottle. The little boy denies and lies to himself and others to try to remain in a place less threatening and more fulfilling.
What about me? I sit back and wonder why he is so cruel to himself. I sit back and think of ways to approach the subject of going to the doctor. I ask if he has taken his meds. I encourage him to do so. Tonight I cried for me. I cried for the woman who will be without the man she is learning to love and respect more and more every day. She will soon be without him again, but it won’t be like ever before. This time when he is gone, he won’t be back no more and she’ll left to wonder why he treated himself so bad.