Why I Don't Eat No Mo'

This world that we live in would say happiness is the most important goal. Yet, most often we do not want to do what would really make us happy. We stay in unsatisfying, stress-filled jobs that take us further and further away from ourselves. We lie to ourselves about what and who we love, or even whether we really understand what love is. Still we expect others to make us happy. Happiness is a state of mind. No one can supply you with your state of mind. You can allow people to influence your state of mind, but in the end you are still in control of whether that happens or not.

Knowing this, I find myself constantly having to check myself when it comes to getting angry. I am brutal. You really have to step on my soul for me to resort to saying ugly things to you. There are certain groups of individuals in our society who feel entitled to try to find a way to get you. No one believes you are who you say you are. Many let themselves down, so they look at others, as they see themselves.

I made a promise to myself I would achieve my life’s goals and it happened. I didn’t wait until I lost weight, or found the right man, or went to the right schools, I took up my cross and bore the pain and humiliation of not knowing what the hell I was doing, and learning to love the ride  all the way. Living your life is the most exciting thing you could ever do.

I have been given clarity into my own life that astonishes even me. I can remember when I couldn’t allow myself to feel emotion. I would immediately stuff down any feelings with food. I wouldn’t stop until I couldn’t feel, sometimes too stuffed to move. I was dying by my own hand, (the one that has the most arthritis today). I was sitting and meditating and I suddenly recognized how less my hand goes to my mouth.  It came to my awareness, I do believe, because I had gotten extremely angry the day before and I was still experiencing some of it, and for some reason it seemed like something was missing. I noticed I didn’t have the desire to munch. My mind literally flashed back to several instances when I have had glimpses into seeing how anger affected how much I ate. Over the years I have learned to control my anger through using many methods, counting, saying nothing, walking away, stopping the conversation, etc. What is most important is I have accepted I have the right to be angry. I know I need to work on the brutal words, and I will and do.

Even with this limitation, I am happy. I like who I am. I am strong and capable. The job I have is very stressful for most, but for me, I find it stimulating and educational. My publishing company is the realization of a lifelong dream. Of course I would love to have a bestseller, either mine, or one written by someone else; but my happiness with my publishing company is not based on how much money I make, but the fact I made it happen.  I find the most stress in people’s lives stems from the lack of a suitable career and them not having a good relationship with themselves.

Happiness takes hard work. You have to know who you are and love who you are to truly be happy. Nothing, especially not food, can make you happy. Because of how we are made, we like to be productive, feel appreciated, and know that we have done something that matters. Now, I know not everyone can have their dream job. Someone has to do what no one wants to do, but those of us who can make changes, need to do that. It is our compliancy with the pseudo-lives we have created that keeps us fat and miserable.

I don’t eat no more because I have allowed myself to feel. I have identified the signals in my body, I know my triggers and limitations and I live within them. Some things are simply not in my diet, vocabulary, circle, household, etc. I have proper boundaries and I really do try to treat people like I want to be treated. I don’t eat no more because more and more I look at me and see a woman I appreciate greatly and I like how she is developing. In my mind, I would have to say I am probably 34-35. At that time in my life, I got it! I felt complete in so many areas. Clarity was happening four or five times a day. I was able to lose 78 pounds. I got pregnant and the fat girl came back with a vengeance. I was no match for her and my hormones. I gained it all back.

I seriously began what has led to my present lifestyle of moderation on March 16^th, 2005. Six years! It has taken me six years to get back to the right mindset. One that allows me the benefit of exercise and the ability to learn to eat foods that works for my body, not against it. By paying attention to when I felt certain discomfort, I learned what disgust feels like to me, what shame feels like to me, what guilt feels like to me, what fear feels like to me, and what anger feels like to me.  I make sure I let you know I am aware I am talking about me; I do not know how these emotions make you feel.

When I got it, I realized these if I could feel the uncomfortable emotions, there is a flipside; I need to know what makes me happy, what brings me pleasure, what makes me joyous, what adds excitement to my life, what turns me on, what makes me smile, what makes me want to touch, what makes me want to be touched? When all this came to me, I recognized immediately how much work I needed to do on myself and I am still doing it. More and more, I find myself drawing inward, seeking the best of myself. I desire to see what I look like under 200 pounds. I haven’t been since I was 18 years old. I was beautiful and I hated myself. I was firm as a rock. When I look at my picture I took on Prom night, I see who I can be again.

Food became my God and robbed me of some of my dreams. The weight I gained from eating food made my body vulnerable to injury, disease, and sloth. I don’t eat no mo because God became my God and I picked up my bed and walked. I stopped crippling myself with food. I don’t eat no more and now I am full all the time.