My personal traits of shyness have been bothersome at best.
I am a person who is able to secretly cut the big deal standing in the corner with 2-3 influential businessmen. Yet I am unable to do the podium, graphics, audio verbal presentations while facing a crowd.
I simply melt just standing behind a podium. Even with nobody in the room. Imagine my discomfort with people in the room, and all those eyes on me.
Yet, put me a golf course, at a luncheon, a night out on the town, with 3-5 of the most intimidating executives. Then I will deliver on the deal. Leaning out over a mahogany boardroom table explaining away to those same 3-5 people is no trouble for me.
Standing in front of them?, with all their eyes on me?, I Melt.
Now give me the largest crowd imaginable? and I will socially thrive, and even exert myself with joyful ease. A crowd where anybody and everybody could be exposed to my harmless antics, and playfully confident inquisitive nature. Making new friends never a concern for me when I am in a crowd.
Yet I can not approach the pretty girl who caught my eye and mind. I do know of all the influences. The ones that influence why I am shy.
Am I worthy of their admiration? Are they worthy of my mine? These are the two questions I wrestle with to the point of lost opportunities due to my indecision.
I am not being able to see in myself, what everybody else so easily sees. Yet knowing that I am who everybody sees. One who is trusted and relied on because of it. One who has seen, and has experienced much of what many will only ever be able to imagine.
When they approach me? I need not, I do not fear their rejection.
A self-taught man with a subtle quick wit, a welcoming glance, a chilling stare, an infectious smile and laugh. My voice to soothe you as much as it can rip right through you with its confident tone, or silence. Always seeming in control of my environment. Without having to come off as obnoxiously arrogant or inconsiderate because of such confidence.
I hate the potential of being a discouragement to anybody. So much so that I often avoid possibilities. I hate the potential of their being to my discouragement. I hate wasting time. Both mine and theirs. I will not mislead people, and fear being misled.
A master at managing, encouraging, directing, and participating in an impromptu moment of either serious discussion, or childish merriment. Yet a complete klutz with no ability to deliver a structured, choreographed presentation on any level.
To settle, is to cheat everybody involved. To never settle, is to never know. Which is what I combat to the point of lost opportunity.
Can one be so humble to the point of their being overwhelmed by it?
I mean I am comfortable with who I am. Understanding what my strengths are that influence positive reactions presented me. I know what my allure is that so easily subjects people to my comfort zone. I know what the deal is. I know the value that I do bring to any table.
Yet I cower and blush from simple recognition. I melt from any deserved admiration shared. Once people look at me and start addressing me with a sense of intimate admiration? I MELT !
Exchanging glances is never enough. Why do I have to keep pretending to be so tough? I wish they would come over and say hi. Because I hate intruding on them only to learn that my perception was wrong.
Why can't I see what they see? Even when I know it is there.
Why can I get it done in intimacy? Yet fear to address one intimately.
I am bad at rejection. Real bad at rejection. It seldom happens professionally. So not a concern there. Probably my winner experiences wanting me to protect the streak.
Yet I fear rejection on any personally intimate level. There is nothing I fear more than the rejection from one who caught my eye, and mind. And a human reaction is to step back from what we fear. I too want to be accepted for the right reasons.
I have never been in an intimate relationship that has been initiated by me. Fortunately for me? Whatever I have that makes people feel comfortable around me? Has enabled many of those pretty girls to be strong enough to approach me with their interest. Many have been as confident as I wish I could be... Thankfully!
But just once I wish I could approach one before she approaches me. Before she walks away wondering, like I will be too. Because I could not make that approach. I didn't want to intrude.
Shy and Bashful for me is also my personal protector, my guardian. Yes, there are advantages to being bashful. Being shy allows me to think before I react. Allowing me to constantly determine whether I am where I need to be. There has to be a reason that I am so guarded. I value what I have to offer. Maybe I value it too much.
My nature causes me to be ultra-considerate. Considering all things at all times in all ways.
Keeping myself aware constantly. This process takes time. Yet any slight delay caused by the process of contemplating is often mistaken as one being shy , bashful and aloof. Nobody wants those tags associated with their identity. Few people desire to be with those with such an identity.
They do not see the shy and bashful guy simply thinking in an ultra-considerate fashion.
Thinking on the behalf of their well being as much as my own.
Yes, there are challenges to being bashful. Yet, there are benefits too.
There is a balance to be found. I hope to find it.
Frustrating as it is.