- Diet & Weight Loss
You Know You've Put On a Little Weight When . . .
— your scale groans right along with you as you weigh yourself.
— you hear your thighs going ‘Schwoop! Schwoop! Schwoop! Schwoop!’ as you walk, and you’re not even wearing corduroy.
— you no longer recognize any of your wardrobe items from the back or sides.
— you start wondering how that Bacon-Double-Sausage-Burger-with-Fried-Egg-and Special-Sauce-on-Syrup-Infused-Griddle-Cakes actually tastes, and whether it comes with a Deep-Fried Onion Bomb.
— you beep when you back up.
— you occasionally find spare change in your back fat.
— your closet contains only ‘fat clothes’ and ‘fatter clothes’.
— you start leaving hip-marks down the hallway.
— you can’t describe your genitals without the aid of either a mirror or a close friend.
— you often mistake your bathing suit for the camping tent.
— as you encounter them on the sidewalk, kids on bikes, joggers, and elders walking dogs all stop, then step aside onto an adjacent lawn to wait patiently, turning and watching as you pass.
— you consider a DQ ice cream cake a single serving.
— shopping for a new car now revolves around passenger compartment dimensions.
— there seems to be a lot more bounce in the living room floor than ever before.
— you find sweat glands in totally new places.
— you stop asking "Does this make my butt look fat?", because everything makes your butt look fat.
— you have to soap your thighs to fit into the bathtub.
— people start calling you ‘Tiny’.
— you are discovering that dark colors, vertical stripes, unstructured fashions, loose fits and draping fabrics are your friends.
— you head to the back row of every group picture.
— you begin referring to yourself as ‘big-boned’.
— your shoes of today are larger than your shoeboxes of five years ago.
— the cat jumps down and hides as you approach to sit on the couch.
— turning sideways no longer enables you to squeeze past another shopping cart at the grocery store.
— you wonder why the local fast food drive-thru sells nothing larger than a Big Gulp.
— you can be positively identified on Google Earth.
— you’re hungry an hour after dining at a Chinese restaurant, even though it was an all-you-can-eat buffet.
— you no longer buy clothes based on color or style; all that matters now is size, resistance to wrinkles and ultimate stitch strength.
— you begin noticing a lot more low-fat dishes at all your friends’ parties.
— you love butter-flavored microwave popcorn, but only after adding melted butter.
— people look right through you, as if you are invisible.
— you finally find the TV remote — in your butt crack.
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