You Know You've Put On a Little Weight When . . .
— your scale groans right along with you as you weigh yourself.
— you hear your thighs going ‘Schwoop! Schwoop! Schwoop! Schwoop!’ as you walk, and you’re not even wearing corduroy.
— you no longer recognize any of your wardrobe items from the back or sides.
— you start wondering how that Bacon-Double-Sausage-Burger-with-Fried-Egg-and Special-Sauce-on-Syrup-Infused-Griddle-Cakes actually tastes, and whether it comes with a Deep-Fried Onion Bomb.
— you beep when you back up.
— you occasionally find spare change in your back fat.
— your closet contains only ‘fat clothes’ and ‘fatter clothes’.
— you start leaving hip-marks down the hallway.
— you can’t describe your genitals without the aid of either a mirror or a close friend.
— you often mistake your bathing suit for the camping tent.
— as you encounter them on the sidewalk, kids on bikes, joggers, and elders walking dogs all stop, then step aside onto an adjacent lawn to wait patiently, turning and watching as you pass.
— you consider a DQ ice cream cake a single serving.
— shopping for a new car now revolves around passenger compartment dimensions.
— there seems to be a lot more bounce in the living room floor than ever before.
— you find sweat glands in totally new places.
— you stop asking "Does this make my butt look fat?", because everything makes your butt look fat.
— you have to soap your thighs to fit into the bathtub.
— people start calling you ‘Tiny’.
— you are discovering that dark colors, vertical stripes, unstructured fashions, loose fits and draping fabrics are your friends.
— you head to the back row of every group picture.
— you begin referring to yourself as ‘big-boned’.
— your shoes of today are larger than your shoeboxes of five years ago.
— the cat jumps down and hides as you approach to sit on the couch.
— turning sideways no longer enables you to squeeze past another shopping cart at the grocery store.
— you wonder why the local fast food drive-thru sells nothing larger than a Big Gulp.
— you can be positively identified on Google Earth.
— you’re hungry an hour after dining at a Chinese restaurant, even though it was an all-you-can-eat buffet.
— you no longer buy clothes based on color or style; all that matters now is size, resistance to wrinkles and ultimate stitch strength.
— you begin noticing a lot more low-fat dishes at all your friends’ parties.
— you love butter-flavored microwave popcorn, but only after adding melted butter.
— people look right through you, as if you are invisible.
— you finally find the TV remote — in your butt crack.
- Enjoy Your Divorce!
Splitsville got you down? Don't worry. There are plenty of appealing aspects to this rather trying episode in your life.
- You Are a Potato!
Yep. That's a spud! by rlz Are you a middle-aging guy who gets bluer and bluer each time you glance in the mirror? Beginning to resemble your Dad a bit too much? In a scary way? Take heart — and let me help you see yourself in a whole new light. ...
- You Know You're Getting Old When . . .
Now where did that flag go? — you have painted those rocks at the edge of your driveway white. — you start to think a pastel warm-up suit makes a pretty snappy outfit for going out in public. — trips to the bathroom begin outnumbering trips...
- Old Fert Crossing Event Boundaries
Old Fert Crossing Event Boundaries Among Homo sapiens, stress and anxiety rise and emotional stability and confidence fall as one crosses an ‘event boundary’ — a significant, potentially life-altering occasion, such as a job change, divorce,...
- You Know You're Certifiably Old When . . .
Old World old dude • you knowingly combine any 3 of the following in the same outfit: pastels, houndstooth, logo gear, stripes, sharkskin, Hawaiian prints, rodeo piping, anything with more than 5 zippers, oxblood, shoelaces with objects on their...
- Live Stress-Free!
Follow these 13 steps to find more satisfaction and less anxiety in your life.
- Old & Young Explained
Which are you? Read on to find out.
- Enjoy Growing Old!
Grow Old! Be Happy! by rlz Are you a Boomer feeling like you’re about to go Bust? Wondering what could possibly be golden about the Golden Years? Have no fear — I am here to point out that there are many ways to enjoy — yes, that’s right,...
- Li'l Piece o' Paradise
Howdy! And welcome to my very own Li’l Piece o’ Paradise! Now don’t go getting’ too jealous as I tell you all about it! After all, I’ve worked hard all my life, and I deserve what I got. You’re looking at a fine slab-on-grade ranch...
- Detecting Wisdom?
On the hunt! by rlz You know you’re an old married couple when you make more noise getting out of bed in the morning than you ever used to make going to bed at night. For many, poverty and wealth are defined merely by the speed at which money...
- Or Not
Or Not Hmmmmmm . . . . decisions, decisions. CPA Stanley McModicum is out shopping with his kids. Stanley desperately wants to update his appearance. He’d much rather be stylin’ and with it, than revilin’ and without. (He’s getting a bit...