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You know you've got PMS when...

Updated on March 9, 2015

Shark week has hit, everybody take cover!

Its that one week when you turn into a monster and there's nothing you can do about it. Here's 10 things that let you know you're PMSing:

1. You walk like you're 80

The simple act of sitting down or standing up again makes you hold your back with one hand and lean on a table for support, cringing as you stand up and feel that ripple of pain tear through your abdomen and hobble for the bathroom/ kitchen/ nearest supply of chocolate.

2. There’s an alien inside you

Your insides squelch like there’s a fish swimming around, possibly an alien baby that was put inside you while you were asleep, think Sigourney Weaver. Your bloated tummy and need to eat like a monster in the week before only confirms your worst fears.

3. Crying is easier than any other emotion

You cry watching movies, you cry in the bath, you cry because you had a dream someone did something to you and it is highly possible that they could actually do this in real life. Crying seems to be the only thing you can do efficiently. You’re a hot mess and you love it. You gingerly hold your sore bloated tummy and revel in your highly efficient tear ducts.

4. You are a guard dog

You watch over your Panadol stash like a Doberman and growl at anyone who looks like they might ask for one. You will refuse to actually take one until the last possible second when the pain just gets too much but you need all 5 strips of Panadol to be in front of you at all times just in case you might need it. Anyone who asks for one is dead meat.

5. You’re as indecisive as a..I don’t know :/

Making decisions scare you. You know you want something but you don’t know what you want exactly apart from chocolate. Everything is too boring or takes too much effort or too…something. The very act of deciding what to do zaps all your energy. This inability to know what you want or feel like worries you because if you don’t know what you want, how can you know what to be angry about?

6. You wish you had a saw

That pain in your stomach - like a million tiny people are hammering chisels into your skin from the inside out? That will not go away. And when it does – it will be back in another 25 days. You wish you could cut out your stomach and live without it because you don’t want it inside your body.

7. You live in the shower

That jet of hot water in your skin is enough to make you crumble with relief and cry because now you can finally relax and stop. You shower a few times a day, you rush home from whatever you’re doing it and your whole body visibly unclenches knowing you’re a few steps away from hot water and PJs.

8. You’re on fire

You alternate between being too hot or too cold but when you’re hot, boy you’re hot. Your skin is like a furnace and you’re sweating in your sleep. If you weren’t on shark patrol week you might have thought you were menopausal. Walking in the sun makes you wilt like a flower and so dizzy you need to put your head between your knees. People give you strange looks when you stop in the middle of the street and look at your tummy. Just because you can’t see the heat burning me inside out it doesn’t mean it’s not there!

9. You wish you had a boyfriend/ slave

You reminisce over old boyfriends and wish they were there with you, imagining situations that never really happened where they held your tummy and fed you chocolate and waited on you hand and foot. You think about how much you need them and wish they would spoon you and hold a hot-water bottle against your tummy all night.

10. You hate yourself. Your family. Your friends. The whole world actually.

The injustice of it all makes you angry. Why is it always me and always at the worst possible time? Every time is the worst possible time. There is always some reason why it shouldn’t have happened then and you always blame the universe for your bad luck. You believe everyone is deliberately trying to piss you off and you glare at them like Medusa, with a scowl plastered over your face. Never mind, only another 5 days left before you rinse and repeat next month!


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