Alcoholism ~ My Journey of Sobriety
Have you lost a friend or loved one to addiction?
Many of us have or will in our lifetime. A family I grew up with has lost 2 adult children to addiction; A third, unfortunately following in their footsteps. Alcoholism kills every day, but the amazing aspect of it all is that it's avoidable with a little seed of hope. In large part, it is because of death that I am sober.
The unexpected and premature death of my childhood best friend. My Wake Up Call! I owe it to you, Chellegirl. 43 is too young to leave this world. You were loved and are missed by all who were blessed to be apart of your life. I am thankful for the laughs, the good times and most of all the memories that will forever be with me!
Our time here on earth is limited, it wasn't until I became sober and reached my 40's I took life seriously, I was always running from whatever my mind convince me was out to get me ~ Today is ALL about LIVING!
If you are struggling with addiction it's up to YOU to accept the fact that your life is out of control and reach out for help, then of coarse do the work to be a success story, not a statistic. Leave the misery behind and begin living as God intended. For those who struggle with the concept of God or those who haven't met Him yet I challenge you to try sobriety so you can experience what life is supposed to be like. Start today and before you know it, life will be better, I promise you that much! I have had my share of adversity & my share of misfortune (most of which I brought on by the choices I made) but I am a "glass is half full kind of gal and I wouldn't trade it for anyone else's! It has molded me into the person I am today and I like her. Life is GREAT sober and I am happy!
September 8, 2015 = 5 YEARS SOBER
What has changed in my life in the past 5 years since beginning sobriety?
EVERYTHING!! (And I mean everything!!!!)
I am happily married, have a beautiful home and family, the friendships I hold close are awesome because I am not afraid to be me and let my guard down, I have a great job, I ride my own motorcycle (YEAH, that's what I am saying), I am going back to school...the list goes on and on. LIFE IS GOOD! All those things I spoke of doing or wanting out of life are here in the making. I always talked of getting my own bike and going back to school and now it is a reality.
The changes cannot be explained in a few words or sentences. I am happier than I've ever been. The hard times come but I accept them. I don't drowned them in alcohol. It was fear that led me to the pits of hell. Today I have hope and face the difficulties in life with God and my support system. I have a great husband and family. Relationships are a 2 way street these days. It is not all about me, although at times my husband makes it that way! I am a lucky girl. :) I am no longer "going through the motions" I am living each moment without regret. I cherish those I hold dear. I am blessed to have my husband, kids, family/friends, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food to eat, a car and motorcycle, to have a great job and to be able to love and be loved, to share life's experiences and feelings. I do not fear life, I live it.
I know I can accomplish anything I ask God to help me do, I would not be sober and enjoying my life without Him.
4 Years Sobriety
September 8, 2014 - 4 years Sobriety!
"Things" that used to be important have been replaced with what actually is important: God, family, good character, humility, hard work & honesty.
God, family & home. Living a happier more meaningful life. I didn't really weigh things out, the consequences of my choices before, now I do. Consequences from past choices are humbling and life altering. I often feel, "I wish I had done 'that' differently"...the thought passes, obviously I can't change my past but I can alter my future by choices I make today.
Attitude is everything! Change your perception and you can change your life!
Cleaning up the wreckage from a life of alcoholism was not as devastating as I imagined. It didn't happen overnight...living right is work in and of itself, with each rising sun I begin again. I give the credit to God, it has been easy for the most part. Focusing on Him and asking for guidance to be better than I was the day before...everyday giving thanks, I would be a fool if I thought I did it all myself.
Sobriety is a natural part of the daily grind. With every season old things die and new opportunities and issues arise. Instead of feeding the chaos of life, I try to maintain peace. Some would challenge my outlook with "How can every day be peaceful?" I can assure you with a husband, children, our 3 dogs, a cat, a bird, my full time job, a home, etc. every day is not peaceful. BUT...yeah there is always a but...Why make life more complicated than it already is? After all, the only thing in this world I have any control over is how I respond to what comes my way. I stand up for what I believe in and do so with dignity. I think the main thing I struggle with today is knowing I can be better than who I am. You now those times when we say or do something and later mull it over and realize I should have handled the problem or issue in a more positive fashion. I am more in tune with who I want to be...I try to be who God intended me to be, conscious of how I affect those around me. What influence I have on my children. I want to be a positive role model, not just say... well that is how I was raised or this is who I am, deal with it...or don't. Don't we all know those old habits when we see them? Yeah, you know the ones that make you cringe.
After 4 years sober I know that everyone in this world, the good, the bad, the fortunate and the unfortunate all struggle, every last one of us. We all have issues in life...it goes back to the attitude thing. I want my husband, kids, family, friends and acquaintances to be affected by me in a positive way so one day when I no longer walk this earth they can be proud of who and what I am as a person.
A year of celebration!
3 years sobriety!!! 9/8/13 Life is better than ever :~)
1 year at my new job & a promotion to the accounting department! 11/18/13
9 month wedding anniversary! 11/14/13 -- Dennis & I were married February 14th with our kids, family & friends at our little event. It was a beautiful day in February. It was planned in a week & went off without a hitch! We have 4 beautiful children between the 2 of us -we have Sophia who turned 12 in August, Claudia who turned 15 just the other day, Codi turns 16 in March and Brandi who is 20. It has been an adjustment for us all but we work through our bumps and get through the best we can. Over all it has been a smooth transition. We are blessed to have such good kids.
Life is great! Many wonderful changes!
Everything I encounter is an opportunity. It is up to me to use it or let it pass by. Celebrate everything...it is a gift.
Sobriety has it's challenges, being numb isn't how I want to live. I love to feel the raw emotion of all I face -- the only fear within me today is not living up to my ability, not being a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, employee or co-worker...I strive to be the best I can be and hope to be an inspiration to others.
Truth is living sober is easy...once I learned a new way to cope with life on life's terms. It is not near as difficult as one might fear.
Change - New Season
Fall is my favorite time of the year.
Color transformation; Vibrant orange, red and gold - Shedding of old, making room for the new...the nakedness of the trees.
Surrounded by the warmness all tones of the season bring for us to admire.
Sobriety has opened my eyes to so many things in life. My appreciation for "things" are different...much like a tree, I am new, the material "things" have little importance...of course I like my "stuff" but I appreciate my family more, seeing those I love happy and smiling deliver well being and enjoyment more than anything else in my world...seeing the sparkle in Den's eyes or hearing the kids laugh bring abundant good fortune and delight...today I am able to truly listen.
Much like the way a tree changes with each season, I have changed...
I have lost my leaves, my old and dying leaves have fallen and new spiritual buds blossom and grow.
A change in my color.
Some days I feel the coziness of the orange, other days I feel the richness of gold or the boldness of the red...
Appreciation for sobriety and evolution of the characteristics of my makeup...Blessings -
I can't help but notice the nature of my seasons within...
We all experience trials and setbacks, our bad experiences happen for a reason-
Being alcoholic, I always anaylize, think, rethink, read between the lines and re-anaylize whatever it is I am facing.
The outcome is usually one of turning something meaningless into a huge ordeal. It is exhausting.
Alcoholics can make nothing "something"...our insecurities and fears come to the surface before we realize what is happening.
I have to always keep myself in check - being true, honest and taking full responsibility for any and all of my actions.
When I look back at my difficulties with the benefit of hindsight, I see how God is working in my life.
Words of encouragement, but they're not always easy to believe when I'm stressed out and weighed down by life's problems.
The dance of life isn't always enjoyable. At times I struggle with knowing what is "right", making "turn the other cheek" a difficult thing to do.
Recovery is a lifelong process.
As long as I continue to do the right thing and be honest with myself and remember to seek God, I can't go wrong.
I am no longer willing to give everything away. Armed for battle...all focus on the greater good.
I feel I have given enough...Is this selfish? My heart tells me "no" -
It isn't about "winning or losing"...I only want what is fair, for justice to be served.
The unrelenting frustrations are exhausting, seems they will never end...
I pray for this madness to end and my only healthy choice is to believe God's perfect plan is unfolding with each step...
Holding fast to my belief that all inner anguish will soon end. Sobriety is bitter sweet, it's rewards are far better than the madness I was living when I was drinking - I gave up daily to the addiction...
Today I choose to Dance to the struggles of life.
The Ripple Effects of Recovery
I made the decision to begin recovery, to be sober and I wanted to tell the world.
Sobriety is majestic.
By it's own nature as time goes on it becomes more about helping others.
More about being the best me I can be.
It's about loving myself; appreciating the family and love I have been blessed with in this life.
These transformations in behavior introduced themselves as I shifted bad habits into good...before I understood the impact of what was taking place within or even recognized the new shapes of my being.
I embarked upon sharing all I was learning. I am thriving, absorbing all God has laid before me.
I came forth sharing mediations & Bible verses to show the world how I began to live again...how they could do the same no matter what their circumstances.
These new habits interceded, amending the life of someone who had lost their way, lost hope, one who had little faith left.
Here is the path to hope, strength, gratitude & faith beyond ourselves.
God is the way, He is the only way for me...
My faith in Him grows daily and has changed who I am.
I am forever grateful to have asked Him to accompany me through the journey of life.
2 Years and counting... - Sobriety Is A Journey, Not A Destination
Transformations evolve during recovery. I am living proof! :)
Early in recovery I felt uneasy, afraid, nervous and jittery...as I was learning how to live all over again. When I sat around the tables with strangers I remember wondering if I would ever be "normal" or happy like those I'd met in the rooms. I kept going back because my desire was to have what they all seemed to have.
I HAVE IT!!! :) Yes, defects linger, yet the past has become unrecognizable.
As my 2 year anniversary of being sober approached I had been reflecting on my life A LOT!!! There is meaning in every thought; I feel; I have more than one or two emotions which I am ready and able to share; I do not run from the ones I care for...
I am a no longer the person I used to be ~ A radical change has transpired; Revolutionized! All by the complicated yet simple effort and the intelligible task of putting down the drink and facing all I feared.
September 8, 2012 ~ 2nd Sober Birthday! YAAAAAHOOOOOO (see not all of me has changed :))
Gratitude, humility, peace, serenity, self respect, dignity, integrity and grace...all blessings reside within. I admire beauty and find hope in all I encounter...well almost everything - I embrace & find goodness in my surroundings. I hold my head high and no longer worry about the things I might of done the night before...the past no longer haunts me.
I feel somewhat undeserving of these blessings and the love which I have received from God and my family.
I knew I deserved better than how I had been living.
I remember the echo inside my heart telling me "I have something better in store for you" ~ I didn't know how to get there...God was speaking to me and I finally paid heed to His message.
Now I am HERE.
Alcohol controlled my life.
Reaching the crossroads of my life I had found I had given up and lost all care in what might happen to me...The only reason I held on was for my kids.
A quality of life which I lack admiration ~ How could I not care?
For this I have no understanding...
I always had a good heart, people liked me, - My heart had become battered, broken and confused...Addiction does powerful things even to "good" people.
Life is precious.
I've been taught not to push the God concept because it could cause some addicts to flee from the program; harming their chance for sobriety...I somewhat disagree because God is my saving grace. There is no doubt within me...
Each of us are different, I took from AA what worked for me and depend on God for the rest. Every alcoholic &/or addict has to find their own way...
AA is a great way to start. I use the principles and teachings daily.
Evaluating my life at 2 years of sobriety is humbling to say the least...2 years ago my life was a WRECK! I honestly never looked back once I started down this road of recovery. I had HIT my rock bottom. My time had come and I was ready to tackle anything in hopes to feel better.
I longed for a quality life and I knew I would never aquire it with drugs and alcohol - If you crave to improve your life and are struggling with addiction THERE IS HOPE ~ SO MUCH CHANGES WHEN WE WORK FOR IT.
There is nothing which justifies all the fear we feel as we make the 'decision' to go into recovery ~ I promise you, all you fear is unwarranted.
The courage takes over and calmness & security step in...
One must be willing to accept things for what they really are and then to do the leg work to get to the place they are seeking. All tears & heartache experienced were totally worth it...and truth be told it wasn't near as bad as what I, the alcoholic, feared it to be.
I am HAPPY!! No matter what comes at me I am prepared to face it! Yes, I have bad days...days I want to revert to the negative way of thinking but I don't stay there for very long, life is too short, it is a waste of my time and energy! ~ :)
My entire attitude on life has changed - It's hard to believe how differently I see things...words cannot describe it only experience.
Serenity & Peace have taken the place of guilt, remorse & self-destruction.
Love surrounds me; I give it more freely and I accept it openly! I have a great man to share life with. My kids are happier & more proud of me than I am due.Those closest to me trust me again...
The trials of life don't lead to a drink today. I get through them all unscathed. No pity for myself - I want to help whomever I can.
As I explore my character, I notice integrity and morality have emerged. Most of the unfavorable defects of the acoholic have been replaced with those which hold merit and are beneficial. Of coarse I will never be a saint, nonetheless, I strive to improve everyday and to me that is what matters most. Never in a million years did it seem possible (much less probable) that my life could be this illustrious without a vice.
It's true what "they" say, there comes a time when thought of using completely disappears. I can count on one hand the number of times in 2 years which a BRIEF discomfort of wanting to drink crossed my mind. Honestly, I struggle to come up with that. There is only one time I felt uncomfortable and truly remember the feeling. It wasn't that I necessarily wanted a drink, it was more of a feeling of being in the wrong place at the wrong time...no worries ;). We had met some friends to grab a bite to eat at a bar & grill, friends were doing shots and out of "habit" everyone looked at me like "do one with us - NOT" (LOL) - I made a break for it and went to the restroom and quickly regrouped...like I said it was more of being in the wrong place at the wrong time sort of thing. :)
There is no doubt in my mind that something bigger has intervened, I couldn't of made it on my own. My Higher Power, God as I like to call Him, has worked miracles in my life...the best blessing of all is I am 2 years sober - YAAAHOOOOOO!! Thank you Jesus!
Life is GOOD! :)
Along For The Ride
21 Months Sober
Sunday Den & I went for a bike ride in IL with a large group, 30 bikes. We had a wonderful ride. Nothing better than good friends, nice weather and a long bike ride enjoying the beautiful countryside on a Sunday afternoon.
We stopped a couple times along the way at the ususal watering holes and food stops.
These days being around others who drink (responsibly) doesn't bother me in the slightest.
The thought of taking a drink never crosses my mind and the smell is rather nasty. LOL
What usually occurs within me is a feeling of gratitude...
Today I have FUN without it.
I watch others start to act differently and I think "AH, so glad that isn't me" -
I don't feel less than or left out because I can't or don't drink.
I have just as much, if not more, fun than those who drink.
It may be hard to believe but it's true...As we were riding I looked up and thanked God for all He has done in my life these past 2 years...completely amazing where I am today. I never imagined I'd have this much fun sober :))
Addiction & Gratitude
I am reminded often of active alcoholism. I welcome these "eye openers" with open arms.
It saddens and humbles me to hear another alcoholic say things like, "I don't have a problem" ~ "I have it under control" ~ "I need to limit myself to a couple" ~ "Man, I drank too much last night, next time I won't drink so much"...
Gratitude flows through me as I remember my own proclamations quite well. The agonizing piece of this puzzle is watching someone we care about go through the self denial; yet knowing it's best to keep quiet. I too would of taken the head off of anyone that dare tell me I needed help or that I had a problem...unfortunately this is the truth of alcoholism. The addict must find their own way to recovery, everyone has their "own" rock bottom.
SELF DELUSION is overpowering. The alcohol and/or drug has the ultimate power. We, mere mortals, are insignificant to the disease.
Our minds convince us "we are just going through a tough time" ~ "this too shall pass" ~ "the black cloud will leave soon"... when in fact deep inside I knew it was never going to get better if I didn't change things; Afflicted in my irrefutable truth.
If I continued on the destructive journey the end may be closer than I imagined all the while I secretly prayed to not live in my misery forever.
God and Alcoholics Anonymous are my champion's...He surrounded me with the angels I am grateful to have in my life today, I KNOW I would not be where I am if not for their guidance and teachings.
My camouflaged despair and many prayers paid off; God heard my every word. He led me away from the company I had fallen too. Away from the place I no longer wanted to be...and for this I am blessed.
Adversity In the Trials of Life
There are times in my life that I simply want to throw in the towel and scream at the top of my lungs "I give!!!!"
- But I don't...
There are times when I feel as though I can't bear another ounce of adversity or I will go on a rampage at any given moment
- But I don't...
Moments I want to explode on someone who is causing me grief
- But I don't...
The trials of life ~
The moments when I feel I can't catch a break although I am doing what I am supposed to be.
I read meditations and my Bible every morning;
I pray making time for God, my Higher Power;
I am a faithful, loving partner;
I am responsible;
I am a good mother;
I am loving and do my best to treat others with respect and care;
I am honest;
I work everyday;
Yet the obstacles become overwhelming, conflict rears it's ugly head and I feel deflated...
But I never, ever, ever give up!
I keep going to the best of my ability and thank God for all the changes within...
A sure sign that I am growing in sobriety.
Becoming Who I've Always Been - Serenity
Do you long for love, for a family, for something normal in this methodical world?
I crave inner peace...
A woman trapped inside the heart and mind of a child.
How does one wind up here? Cunning, baffling, powerful!
Alcoholism keeps us trapped; our mental growth comes to a halt, resting in a time and place from long ago.
This reality brings clarity to the events of my life...I know longer need to know "Why"...
I simply accept it for its value.
The disappointments and broken hearts brought ease in not trusting or allowing anyone in.
If another invaded this territory I pushed them away or cut them off entirely.
How in the world can one find love, family or anything close to normal with this thought process?
Years of insanity had taken it's toll. Secretly I proclaim, "I GIVE!!"
Sobriety brought opportunity for growth, positive and better choices.
My inner being finally became parallel with the age of my body.
I place no blame only acceptance; leaving chance only to expand all of what I am becoming.
I do my best to follow God's grace - when I read this scripture I relate to every word...indeed He has turned my wailing into dancing.
1 I will exalt you, LORD, for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
2 LORD my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me.
Confidence vs Fear
If I expect the injustices in my life to crumble I must confront them. When I was active in my addiction fear gripped tightly, as if I were in a vice. This caused me to allow others to have full advantage. As I round up my 2nd year of sobriety I notice how much my life has changed...the circumstances and people causing injustice (or fear) no longer have hold of me.
I am defeating my opposition...One Day At A Time, as I am my addiction...
My perseverance and confidence have given me the courage I need to press forward rather than shrink back in fear.
The things and people I feared no longer have control...I have overcome!
By God's grace I will be strong in all I do.
Keeping the Peace - Spiritual Discipline
You change your life by changing your heart.
Faith is not the belief that God will do what you want.
It is the belief that God will do what is right.
- Max Lucado
I read these quotes this morning and at a time I needed to hear these very words.
One of God's reminders, as I like to call it, which He regularly blesses us all with...when we are open to them :)
At that moment I reflected on the influence the content of what I hold in my heart effects who I am and how much it has changed during sobriety.
The feelings and emotions we hold onto communicate to others the character of our being.
How we react, what we say and how we say it, all the way down to our body language and the looks we display on our faces.
I no longer fake happiness...true happiness and gratitude overflow my identity.
To permeate our hearts with bitterness, anger and resentment is a sure bet we will project a cantankerous disposition.
As we give consent the negative qualities will flow through the damage it creates and we begin to replenish our temperament with gentleness, uncovering a peacefulness within...
Allowing the details causing our pain, feeling all the emotions that go along with the hurt is an awe-inspiring moment in time...
It opens the door for God to do what our heart certainly knows was right all along.
This practice of faith is liberating.
Leave 'Em In Your Dust
Follow HIS Lead
It's become apparent recently that the behaviors and actions of others are quite comical.
True the alcoholic is an overacheiver in the area of placing blame. I assure you this isn't the case... :)
I give a huge THANK YOU to Jesus for my serenity!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!
I'm almost certain we all know people who find difficulty in accepting responsibility for their misery...
It is always someone elses fault.
This baffles me because happiness is a choice.
The ones who claim - "I am SO happy" are more often than not...the ones who are - "Mad at the world"
In my person journey I KNOW both sides of the issue...I've lived it!
Realizing and accepting fault in my own misery is one of the biggest joys of being sober...
Happiness has taken it's place!
I have exceeded my quota of the wounded souls of our world. Misery loves company. Even a stranger will try to get a reaction out of me. REALLY, it happened this week! CRAZY lady! I don't have to cop an attitude with my ex husband or his wife because they foolishly believe they are better or more righteous than I. Nor do I desire to stare my fiance's ex wife down simply because she has her panties in her crawl.
Again I don't see the superiority or gain in these practices.
What is the point? There is no point, it will get US nowhere and it is EXHAUSTING!!!
If it were a year ago and I had faced the situations I have recently - well lets just say - it would of ended in total chaos and I would have said some things I would of wished I hadn't.
Today - I choose not to go there...
Why should I allow some bonehead the advantage of setting me off?
I manage to refrain from being an idiot for the most part...I try to think things through to come up with an intelligent but honest response.
I'd rather avoid a battle of the ego's or going to blows over petty issues at all costs.
I refuse to feed into someone else's self pity or malevolence.
Some find pleasure in bringing others down...this is not how I roll!
There is no need to play the game of "Oh yeah, well BLAH BLAH BLAH!! You worthless....yada yada yada!!!" - It has zero significance...
Why do human beings feel so compelled to be CHUMPS?
Why are so many filled with anger and hatred toward others?
There is ample supply of mean and nasty individuals roaming the earth...It kind of scares me when I really think about it!
Mean people SUCK!
If YOU ever feel the need to explode at the mouth because some moron is making an effort to ruin your day...
Remember this one thing - You are better than that. You don't have to follow their lead. You can do the right thing...
WALK AWAY! SIMPLE AS THAT!!!
When I act like the fool because someone is being an imbecile where is the resolve?
Leave it in their lap, it's much more fun to be the one with some sense and composure, it becomes a win win situation.
I find it best to simply SMILE and move on down the road...let them get all riled up.
Keep your inner peace, it's a really COOL place to be :))
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:32
Peace With God
Recovery & Submission
Romans 7:18 ~
I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.
For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.
Pleasantry enlightens me as I confess to God - "I am broken".
I muse He may be humored as I humble myself into submission
Trusting God fully, without regard, of the uncertainty to where this journey will lead.
Complete abandonment to the old way of thinking; Allowance to move forth as I invade this reality.
However unfamiliar exploring this arena its peace and serenity I welcome.
Without delay all barriers break free, the anchors of willingness hold tight.
Knowing God will not lead me astray...Reconditioning and healing my soul.
He nourishes my faith and rekindles His Spirit within mine.
Peace With God II
Recovery & Powerlessness
Philippians 2:13 ~ For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
To know I am powerless gives birth to my faith as I set sail on my new beginning.
Leaving all of my unknown for God to aid in this conquest.
The transition within self, is futile to the success of my recovery.
Not recognizing a power greater than self, I would be sure to fail.
To allow God's will to take precedent before my own is certain to restore all lost sanity.
My Faith in God
What purpose am I to serve in this life which I've been blessed?
To follow Jesus, I must say...and thank Him for bringing out my best.
Which path am I to take? Stand and fight or lay at rest...
Pray, Repent, and Praise believing my Savior will hold them tight.
Your light shines bright upon me as I struggle to do what is right.
My faith in You grows daily with Your plan now laid in place.
I persevere under these trials holding onto Your undeserving grace.
Recovery & Change
As the battle clashes back and forth I have found the only way out of my own head is to focus on prayer and meditation or in going to the aid of another. Welcoming freedom from the torture inside. I have this intolerable thorn I fear may linger too long for me to cope. Provoking me systematically. The thought haunts me.
Have you known someone whom would never admit fault, nor have compassion to refrain from saying an unpleasant and painful word, much less tell the truth if in order to save their own life? With each repulsive dispraise; for every "I am better than you" rant I become better at developing spiritual discipline. The actions and behaviors of another carry the power of restoring my own spirit. God will never give me more than I can handle, to this I hold no doubt. Although at times I fall to my knees praying "No more please, I don't know how much more my soul will bare" - God's Word tells me to be patient, I am maturing every day. Everything on earth has its own time and its own season (Ecclesiastes 3:1)
~ I refuse to allow anyone to break me...I have God's favor, He is my defender ~ I will turn to Him always and continue devoting my life and hope all who surround me are witness to His promise...Habakkuk 2:3 For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.
Seek to be nothing less than exceptional ~
~ 1 Timothy 4 ~
1 The Spirit clearly says that in later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons.
2 Such teachings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron.
3 They forbid people to marry and order them to abstain from certain foods, which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and who know the truth.
4 For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving,
5 because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer...
12 Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.
13 Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to preaching and to teaching.
I believed I could do it on my own. I quickly realized I was setting myself up for failure. Knowing I couldn't go it alone I began going to AA meetings and found a sponsor. Getting honest with myself & another human being was the hardest part but once I GOT IT, I began going through the 12 Steps." Failure was not an option" became my foundation and determination set in. Before I knew it I had 30, 60 and 90 days under my belt. I found hope once again. God guided me. I was blessed with spirituality beyond my understanding. My sponsor and those closest to me saw the changes in me before I did. I struggled and my emotions were off the charts! There were many tears - guilt, remorse, anxiety where crippling at times but I did what I was told to do, what was expected of me, and received counsel with open arms and complete willingness. I was wiIling to do whatever was necessary to be successful in my new found journey. I yearned for the peace and happiness I saw in my fellow AA's. I never knew life could be this good without a vice!! My connection with God grew rapidly...receiving comments from fellow members how "easily" my spiritual growth was coming to me. It doesn't happen that way for most alcoholics. A true blessing from God was bestowed upon me ~ Sobriety, His Mercy & Grace...He is my rock & I owe all the progress I've made to Him. I couldn't of done it without Him. Praise God!!
My Daughters Pain
Recovery & LOVE
After dinner my daughter and I took a little stroll. After a stressful day it was just what the "doctor" ordered. Dr. God, that is...
Grateful to witness her intelligence, astonished at how fast she is growing. Aged beyond her years...sometimes I forget just how young she is.
My girls are amazing; beautiful from the inside out.
The teenage years are upon us, Lord give me counsel as I am sure I will need it; YOU have blessed us in many ways.
Humbleness soaks every pore, as we broadcast our deep-seated feelings.
As she acquainted me with her pain. Reaching out and exposing all of herself. No longer able to lay in wait for what may come next. Distaste for the disease surrounds her as we continue on our short journey. I'm grateful this turmoil isn't due to my alcoholism; for this all applause belongs to God.
Given the perfect opportunity to explain alcoholism and apologize for some of my past choices and actions, one on one with her.
With unconditional love..."It's ok Mom, I am so glad you stopped, our life is so much better and different now".
This must be God's way of showing me which direction to turn. Answers to many prayers I've laid before Him.
Addiction burns everyone it touches, especially children of two alcoholic parents.
Distress, irritation, anguish and affliction engulf me, as I listen to her current disfunction and quietly ask God to show me the way.
No judgement for I too have been on that path, I seek only the best solution.
Hearing her voice crack and watching tears saturate her eyes as she blinks them away, is not an easy task as I drive my own sadness away I must be strong, this isn't about my suffering for her.
As I replay the coversation my heart is affected by all of her sorrow.
Proud to comfort and guide as God intended.
I secretly vow to do all in my power making all wrongs in this situation right.
I pray for the insanity to subside; for her sister to not bury the feelings for long.
As I know it to be an unhealthy path to follow...ignoring the scars are devastating at best.
I believe with all my heart that their suffering will soon end and a season of pure healing will take over.
God will consort with us every step of the way.
Hebrews 13:5-6 Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have; for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.
Discovering My Truth
Recovery & Accepting My Pain
Is it only in feeling that one can truly live? As I search for the truth of my pain I am puzzled at this point of my recovery. Why did I waste all those years? What was so painful that I felt it necessary to bury? Was it only fear of pain, itself? The time spent running...what I discovered is little. Perhaps it's the twisted and corrupt mind of addiction.
As I continued on with this witch hunt, desparately seeking for a hidden wound, I discover no extraordinary reason to represent or come close to justifying the years of self destruction; only layers of feelings I avoided to feel. Feelings most everyone encounters at some point in their lives.
The revelation came, as I embarked on this journey of uncovering the underlying demons. Unpretentiously the healing began as I no longer allowed myself be consumed with this fear or denial. Only to face my addiction and comfront my pain did the doors open. No more planted seeds of anger nor harvesting resentments were available to nourish self destruction. At last, the ability to allow all pain to envelope who I am. Simply to "feel" permits my heart to heal from any discomfort it may fear.
Abandon Your Fears
Fear is paralizing...causing us to advert to a condition of helpless stoppage, inactivity, or inability to act. I am accountable for crossing the bridge of despair into unknown territory otherwise there lies the threat of becoming stagnant; leaving no allowance for reconditioning my behaviors...delaying my growth and bypassing opportunities to conquer the suspicion. Overpowering many fears in recent months has brought such tranquility. A calming exisitance in a world where there were none.
Today is spent focusing on facing my fear, however trivial it my be, never allowing admittance for long. The longer it hides within the threat of loitering takes over. I fancy to live with joy and inner peace; no admission to fear permitted inside this soul. Truth be told my choice for today, tomorrow and the days to come is to subdue the burden of my own intimidations.
LIFE is a blessing from God.
Years spent under the influence of some type of vice brought me to ruin.
By the grace of God, I am clean and sober...My soul is free.
The bitterness and resentment no longer rule. This spirit is filled with love and gratitude.
God and family engross my life, priorities evolved. No vision of making it this far.
Thank You Jesus for rescuing me from the depths of my darkness.
I owe my life and all grace I'm adorn with to You.
Not a morning passes without praise to You for the wonderful transformations of this lost spirit.
Spiritual Blessings from God above.
You, My Angel
This one is for you Dennis
As despair overflowed my banks; God dispatched a gift.
It is You...my angel.
Those sparkling baby blues illuminate my heart;
a piece of you which brings joy to my every part.
It is You...my angel.
Who brings me comfort during sorrow, rejuvenating my soul?
It is You...my angel.
When faced with distractions or feeling a bit forlorn;
It is You...my angel ever ready to cheer me on.
Who is it I look to for guidance to restore me to reason?
It is You...my angel.
In times of weakness to whom do I turn?
It is You...my angel; that I rely on for when I am weak, you are forever strong.
My love for You, endless...Infinity and beyond.
Thank you for believing in me and standing by my side.
There are no words which explains the gratitude I feel for having you, my partner in this life.
God blessed me with You...My Angel.
Happy Valentine's Day
12 Steps To Recovery
These are the very laws of living which have saved me from self desctruction. I do my best to live this daily and I thank God for leading me on this journey.
THE TWELVE STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Copyright A.A. World Services, Inc.
The Serenity Prayer
God, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change...
The Courage to change the things I can...
And the Wisdom to know the difference...
AA ~ The Third Step Prayer
Thy Will Always...
I remember when my sponsor told me I had to recite this prayer in front of our Tuesday night group meeting. Can you say "deer in the headlights"? Well I did it...although not perfectly but I got through it just fine. Looking back on how terrified I was...now it was/is NO BIG DEAL. Several others before me had to do the same thing. I am not all that special after all - The message? Whatever fear is holding you back, NEVER allow it to rob you of a meaningful, joyful, sober and spiritual life. If you allow fear of losing "friends" (drinking buddies), or the thought of never drinking again (it's only one day at a time), or of never being around people who do drink (normally), or that no one will want to be around me if I don't drink...You are selling yourself short because the drinking buddies are not your real friends, if you think of it day to day you'll get through, the day will come when you are comfortable around people who drink normally and the ones who don't drink normally you won't want to be around and the true friends who severed ties because they couldn't bear to watch you drink yourself to death will be by your side and new friends and others who REALLY care about YOU will fill that "void"! The life of an alcoholic is far better sober than one might ever imagine. And if you decide it's not for you, well you can go back to all the misery at any given point in time. I have NO DESIRE to turn back to that life nor do I want to die doing it. So for today I will remain sober, set a good example for my children, love and be loved by those that mean the most and remain in contact with God. Life is SWEEEEEET!
3rd Step Prayer~
God, I offer myself to Thee — to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!
Seventh Step Prayer
My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen
Alcoholics Anonymous pp.76, Copyright Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
11 Step Prayer / Prayer of St. Francis
Eleventh Step Prayer Of St.Francis
"Lord make me a channel of thy peace --
That where there is hatred, I may bring love --
That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness --
That where there is discord, I may bring harmony --
That where there is error, I may bring truth --
That where there is doubt, I may bring faith --
That where there is despair, I may bring hope --
That where there are shadows, I may bring light --
That where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted --
To understand, than to be understood --
To love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life...
Breaking the Chains
Good vs. Evil
July 8, 2011 Journal entry...
I am celebrating 10months of sobriety today. Bewildered at how far I've come in such a short time. Each step prepares me for the next. Overflowing with gratitude for the people in my life today, their love & support. I am immensely blessed!! At times seem to revert to my old attitudes when going through situations which reacquaint me with the past. Quickly realizing in the midst of it all I don't "have" to commit to my old habits, nor do I want to. Time to ask God for guidance and use the tools AA equipped me with, create a positive outcome. I am living my life as God intended with all He has to offer. Thankful the chains are breaking free, one at a time...one day at a time. He will not give me more than I can handle. Accepting the circumstances & people for who they are, choosing to do the next right thing. Today I realize I have the choice of who I shall allow in my heart & know who to turn away...it's simple if I listen. Good vs. evil; God vs. Satan....Which will you choose?
1. an assertion that something said, believed, alleged, etc., is false
2. refusal to believe a doctrine, theory, or the like.
3. disbelief in the existence or reality of a thing.
4. the refusal to satisfy a claim, request, desire, etc., or the refusal of a person making it.
5. refusal to recognize or acknowledge; a disowning or disavowal: the traitor's denial of his country; Peter's denial of Christ.
Are you living in denial? I once was...it seemed the longer I lived in denial the greater it became.
Admitting and facing my it is an imperative requirement if I expect to excel in this survival of the fittest.
I am "as sick as my secrets"...
When I completely turned my will over to God, allowing Him to run the show, I began to heal.
As I stepped into God's unconditional love and grace my life began to evolve and flow with His mercy.
The more honest I became (and remain) the more grace He showers upon me. God's light will always shine on our truth. Opening my mind and heart to Him set the stage for a new and better life.
Before I turned my life over to God I began reading the Bible. It was my way of reaching out, I was desparate and miserable and knew I needed His help if I were to have any chance of living again. I read this scripture MANY times and would sob...
Now as I read it I SMILE! He has set me free.
1 I cry aloud to the LORD;
I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy.
2 I pour out before him my complaint;
before him I tell my trouble.
3 When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is you who watch over my way.
In the path where I walk
people have hidden a snare for me.
4 Look and see, there is no one at my right hand;
no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
no one cares for my life.
5 I cry to you, LORD;
I say, "You are my refuge,
my portion in the land of the living."
6 Listen to my cry,
for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
for they are too strong for me.
7 Set me free from my prison,
that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
because of your goodness to me.
Don't be a hater, eat a cupcake
Isaiah 43:25-26 I, even I, am He Who blots out and cancels your transgressions, for My own sake, and I will not remember your sins. Put Me in remembrance; let us plead and argue together. Set forth your case, that you may be justified. ~
Forgiveness is to allow healing in your own heart. First we must forgive ourselves, then those whom we hold resentments toward. ~ This is a MUST in recovery! We must leave the past behind us. Sure we have to face the issues which brought us to recovery in the first place but then allow it to be in our past. LET IT GO! Some I've met in the rooms tend to hold onto it...it usually makes for a tragic ending. One will find the drink, the drug and go back to the addiction that is killing them...some die. Do not hate yourself or others who've harmed you. ACCEPT it for it's value. There is a reason, usually a lesson to be learned. Ask God to forgive you and spend your days focused on doing the next right thing. It's amazing how something this simple can allow us to live in peace and with serenity. It's not rocket science, the alcoholic just makes is seem as though it is...so the next time you find yourself full of hate remember to go eat a cupcake.
Spiritual Growth & Hope for Tomorrow
Have you ever allowed another's behavior effect your own? If you are in recovery I'm almost certain you are as guilty as I. Our specific circumstances are different but our defects are the same.
A person had this dominance of my soul during the days I drank. I tolerated the behavior to alter my own. How proposterous? To literally tremble, visibly shake with fear and anxiety; my heart would race; my mouth would fumble for the correct words...always knowing the conversation would turn sinister. This person defaced my self esteem over the years. Consequences of physical, verbal and mental abuse, years of drinking and no room for healing. Could it be I was to blame due to the anticipation I illustrated? The horrid feelings where overwhelming when I knew I would have to see or speak of or to this person. All the unpleasant emotions would flood into my being. I know I played a part. Acceptance afterall is the first step.
In a short time with hard work, willingness to do right and be what God intended us to be, spiritual growth and personal healing are guaranteed. I am living proof! Eighteen months of recovery have rejuvenated my self esteem. My faith in God and His mercy have empowered my whole being; no longer giving authorization to any other to have such forbidden control. I am humbled with the internal transformation. Abundant blessings of recovery flow through my life today. Faith without works is dead. The sweet rewards of recovery! As I reflect I now see this person appropriated my self esteem and worth to feel better about themselves. Today the person I speak of is most likely filling the shoes I once wore.
I am filled with gratitude. 17 months sober, what a gift from God. I feel the need to express thanks to God, Dennis, my kids and family and to AA. Without the love and support I've receive from each one of you I never would of made it this far. It amazes me to FEEL this way about life. I was dead inside not so long ago, wouldn't allow myself to feel any emotions. My walls were high and thick. What a learning experience, I wish I knew then what I know now. However I do not waste time dwelling on woulda, coulda, shoulda...Life is short and I "missed" a lot of it due to my alcoholism. Each one of us, addict or not, are responsible for our own happiness. The events of our lives which make us bitter and/or full of self pity will destroy us if we allow it! My advice? Never allow anyone or anything bad that happens to you in life to make you bitter, numb or unwilling to feel. To only exist in this world is disheartening. Enjoy each day because before you realize it your halfway through looking back wondering "Where did all the time go?" - "What have I accomplished?"
Today I am grateful to be living, everyday, without numbing my pain...I've allowed all the crippling fears to subside. I've worked through them and they are not what they once seemed. I love my life and those I'm blessed to share it with...
Dennis and my girls, you are the center of my world and I love you. I am grateful to be sober and sharing everyday with you.
Mom & Dad, thank you for never giving up on me, for your support and loving me no matter what mistakes I've made, I love you.
My sisters, Tara & Shana, I love you and appreciate all you've done to help me through these past few years. A sister's love is awesome!
AA, thank you for the tools to help me live, cope and grow.
God, thank you for my life, leading me to sobriety and keeping me sober, my children, Dennis, my family, and all the abundant blessings You've placed in my life-past, present and future! You've opened my eyes in more ways than one with your Divine Spirit. You are my rock, refuge, light, hope, strength and without You I am nothing.
Manipulators & Puppet Strings
To handle or use, especially with some skill, in a process or action.
To negotiate, control, or influence (something or someone) cleverly, skilfully, or deviously.
To falsify for one's own advantage.
It bewilders me how someone enjoys being manipulative; cold; calculated; broods well thought plans of enticement to get a reaction from another for the sole benefit to feel more worthy or justified in an agenda - for pure enjoyment; all for the sake of SELF worth or the ultimate control of another. In the depths of alcoholism we all manipulate at some point to gain what we are seeking. Some are more delusional and evil than most.
What kind of person knows and admits this to another human and takes no action to correct this? Unfortunately I know this person. I'm sure many of you have at least crossed paths with someone with this characteristic. They are ones who hold on to self-destructing inner demons of past failures, mistakes, detrimental choices, the willingness to judge of others, those who feel deserving to have it all but choose not to work for it. How unfortunate to continue to live this life of misery. Most that surround you see and know the real you...it's no secret!
I AM blessed! I am immensely grateful I am not like you; to be equipped; able to look beyond the character defects today and simply feel gratitude for this path God has led me to; pity and benevolence best describe my feeling toward you. God and sobriety supply my serenity. There may be a brief duration which I allow you to raise the blood pressure, the anxiety to flutter in my chest. However, God guides me and comforts me. Never allowing you to have such control. I no longer judge you, nor hold resentment; won't allow you to make my heart bitter; nor cripple me in fear knowing what you are capable of...My heart knows you are sick. Addiction is like a demon in the night; dark and unloving, it leads you to the grave...no immortal can face nor defeat it alone.
My prayer for you ~ I hope you find God in your heart and He saves you so the ones who love you and which you are responsible for no longer have to worry about you or watch you self destruct. Amen
You Choose WHO You Can Be
I love when I stumble across something and have an AHA! moment!!!
A gentle reminder...
"Never allow someone define who you are" -
The serene feeling of acceptance!
Life is more enjoyable when I don't beat to the tune of another's drum.
I will not allow another persons ignorance imprison God's will for me nor will I allow it to cause resentment.
Their opinion of "who I am" is only a perception based on a minuscule parcel of God's vast creation...Nothing more.
There is nothing better in this world then the sweet feeling of SERENITY!!! AAAHHHHH!
A Turning Point
I had been praying for God to help me, to remove me from the self destruction of my alcholism. In the 6 yrs since my divorce I had lost all hope, ambition and everything I had worked so hard for during my 20's...the great job, the marriage, the house, the car was gone. The only glimmer of happiness I had were my 2 kids, my world. I knew I was not being the mother God intended for them. I was at rock bottom. I didn't want to do anything but drink...barely surviving.The days of the functioning alcoholic were gone! Then the email came. May 21, 2010. My childhood best friend was no longer living. We were inseparable from middle school until our mid 20's...where did the time go?
The day of your funeral was heartbreaking. I was filled with guilt for not being there for you. The anxiety ~ overwhelming. I drank several beers before going to say goodbye...having to go for more during the service "just to get through", then rounding the old gang up to go for more after the service. Seeing you lying there, lifeless...it was one of the hardest emotions to contain. My heart ached for your mom & dad, your sister & son. Our Chellegirl was gone...your silly sense of humor, quarky humor & vibrant smile had vanished. We knew the last several years of your pain and addiction had taken its toll. You were FINALLY at peace. During your memorial service I sobbed, I remember hearing myself cry over everyone else in the room. As if I were the only one there, loved ones sitting on each side of me trying to comfort me. It was one of the hardest days of my life. The guilt I felt was emence. I was an alcoholic too, yet I felt I had let you down because you couldn't get your act together...Talk about a WAKE UP CALL. God was laying heavy things on my heart. "Get your act together before it is too late, your kids need their mother." echoed as if I were sitting there having a conversation with the MAN himself.
So I drank some more. And again the next day and the day after that, etc...everyday that passed I thought of you and my heart told me "STOP" but my brain said "Go get another 18 pack" - ADDICTION! Insanity at it's finest! It wasn't fun anymore but I couldn't stop. Every day I woke up I told myself, Not today...a few hours later I was well on my way to oblivion. Guilt consumed me. Thankfully God was there, waiting for me to say the words. "I CAN"T DO THIS ANYMORE, I NEED HELP".
July 26, 2010 ~ I reached out and got the help I was so terrified to ask for...I quit drinking but continued to smoke my weed...afterall "it mellowed me out but I could still function" HA HA HA that lasted until September 8, 2010. AT LAST I WAS CLEAN AND SOBER.
Baby Steps...Count each & every one
Today, March 8, 2012 marks 1 1/2 years of sobriety! I'm sure many who knew the "old me" thought I would never make it this far but prayed that I would. No turning back now...
HOW AMAZING MY LIFE HAS BECOME!!!
When I woke this morning the milestone hadn't crossed my mind; an accomplishment of this magnitude is a daily one in the earliest days of recovery. Announcing the triumph of yet another day sober regularly. Today however it didn't enter my thoughts until my honeybee text me to remind me of his son's birthday and his 1 year anniversary at his job...Congratulations Honey! Texting back...Guess what else today is? Why didn't I make this choice sooner? Not to fret, it is all about living for today and embracing NOW.
Then it clicked, as I stood in our kitchen getting the girls off to school. An indescribable sense of immense gratitude flowed through me like a tidal wave- Appreciation for this new found life, the abundant blessing my Lord and Savior have planted in and around me.
My oldest daughter looked at me and said "What Mom?" My youngest with the same observation. "Yeah Mom, what's wrong?". Then with a look of utmost happiness, I replied, "Nothing at all!!!!!! Do you want to know what today is? ~ 1 1/2 years! Both walked to me and showered me with BIG HUGS & SMILES! This IS the way to live...with the man and children God has given me and support me always...my family. THIS is what my life is all about...Milestones in recovery are a wonderful thing.
Changing ourselves in a spiritual sense is not always easy. Many struggle with the concept of God or finding understanding of a "Higher Power" in recovery. I've been blessed in this area. Always knew God is real but became lost along my way. For me to think there isn't something larger than self in the universe would be crazy. Although at times during active alcoholism reflecting back, I acted as thought I was "all that and a bag a chips". I know God saved me from myself, He helps me in my darkest hour, in times of frustration, inner conflict, and adversity. As I look back over situations and circumstances I placed myself in...He was & is always there. I know I cannot go it alone. He guides me, lends His strength to move past the issues alcoholics create for themselves. During moments of hopelessness and fear I ask for understanding of His purpose. The beauty of knowing when the struggle is banished, I am witness of His great works before me and within myself...a reminder of how inferior I am in this world.
Pray for others
God wants to hear from you...
I have some heaviness on my heart today...the sadness and concern a child endures with an alcoholic parent. Unfortunately my kids are the product of 2 alcoholics...at least one is sober today. I have no control over them when they are not in my custody. I pray for the one causing their pain. I am grateful beyond words to be setting a good example (finally) and to be to able to comfort them when they need me.
God, help him find recovery. I ask that You comfort the girls and look over them. I ask that he see what he is doing to himself and our kids, that he get the help he needs from the demons he will not face. Please open his eyes and heart to a better life. Guide me to use the resouces to make things right, I know I must do what is right in Your eyes, and for my kids. I pray in Jesus name. Amen
AA 101 - pray for those whom you hold a resentment or anger in your heart ~ A simple prayer, everyday...and it works every time.
1 In you, LORD my God,
I put my trust.
2 I trust in you;
do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
3 No one who hopes in you
will ever be put to shame,
but shame will come on those
who are treacherous without cause.
4 Show me your ways, LORD,
teach me your paths.
5 Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
6 Remember, LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
7 Do not remember the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you, LORD, are good.
8 Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
9 He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.
10 All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful
toward those who keep the demands of his covenant.
11 For the sake of your name, LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
12 Who, then, are those who fear the LORD?
He will instruct them in the ways they should choose.[b]
13 They will spend their days in prosperity,
and their descendants will inherit the land.
14 The LORD confides in those who fear him;
he makes his covenant known to them.
15 My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.
16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 Relieve the troubles of my heart
and free me from my anguish.
18 Look on my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
19 See how numerous are my enemies
and how fiercely they hate me!
20 Guard my life and rescue me;
do not let me be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope, LORD,[c] is in you.
22 Deliver Israel, O God,
from all their troubles!
Oneness In Action
Journal Entry 8/20/11 (11 months sober)
Moving forward, passing the pain.
Dwelling in my own sorrow is where my despair began to swirl causing devastating failure time and time again.
Only as I began to realize the insanity I was living in was I forced to stop and face my sadness; my wounds were never nurtured into healing...
Clinging tightly to my pain I believed all those horrible things made me who I was.
Recovery is wonderful and has shown me it is not the case...I was so wrong in that belief.
Happiness is unattainable when devoured by resentments towards all who have let us down; those who've played with our love, as a child does a toy; when robbed of all self esteem or if consumed with fear of failing yet once again...There can be no real joy.
While I aspire to oneness, the discoveries of my own ego unfold one at a time.
I uncover the preciousness and extraordinary of self which I've spent a lifetime concealing; unable to bear more pain.
As I confront my demons; accepting my individuality - this love of self personifys me...no longer willing to torment my ailing soul on the run.
Thy will, not mine
At times I am good at following God's will, letting go of my own. Other times I fail miserably. Instead of beating myself up I've learned in recovery it is ok to make mistakes. I am human, progress not perfection. I can do the next right thing, make the "wrong" I've done right. We all do and say things we shouldn't. It's up to me to fix it...accept it, face it, apologize and move forward. Learn from the mistake and do my best not to repeat it in the future. God has blessed me with a new life, everyday a new opportunity to start fresh and begin again...asking for God's will and letting go of mine.
May 21, 2011
One year has passed. I think of you often, not a day goes by without at least one thought of you. Your funeral placard is a daily reminder in my meditation book. Started my daily routine...Den off to work, kids to school, mediation & prayer. Time to go to my noon meeting. The subject today ironically was prescription medicine and the alcoholic. The message was clear, God has a sense of humor no doubt or maybe it was YOU :) -
It was my turn to speak...I spoke of you and with such passion. All my fellow AA's eyes on me intently -I could see they felt my sadness, it was evident they heard my message & will remember what was said. The alcoholic must tell their doctor's the truth about our alcoholism, if not our lives may be cut short and even then there will always be those that will still prescribe. Without looking there is no way they could see the extent of damage we have done to our liver...that it may no longer be functioning enough to break the meds down. We play a major role in our health...we are responsible. The loss of you has affected me deeply! I spoke of the loss of a dear friend...breaking into tears at times having to collect myself to continue...others spoke, more tears. I miss you Chelle and if the message only helps 1 person, I will share your story a million times.
Adjusting to a new life
This is something I wrote in my journal at 9 months of sobriety...
Since I've been in recovery my eyes are open to all that surrounds me. The armour is gone that I used to protect myself, actually feeling emotions now and digesting the impact those feelings have on me. I am learning as I grow, 9 months is not enough time to remove all my sheilds. The walls took years to build, it's impossible to believe my old thinking will be reprogrammed in only days. I must learn to adjust and deal with all that comes my way, good, and bad. I find comfort knowing God will get me through. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. I am working the program to the best of my ability. Failure it not an option, my life and the well being are riding on this new found life. Sure I've fumbled along the way. The opinions of others doesn't matter...it's my program, not theirs. I'm working the 8th Step (Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all) and am proud to say I'm making progress. I am living what AA is teaching me and am giving IT all to God. One day at a time my sponsor keeps telling me. Yesterday is gone, not forgotten. The mistakes I make along the way teach me what I need to do, today.
As I re-read this I couldn't help but notice there were many "I's" in this little segment...a reminder of the selfishness alcholics have and don't realize. :) Too funny...progress is oh so sweet!
One of my poems from the early days of sobriety
As I ponder, I'm in constant awe of Your splendor.
Reflecting back on who I once was; affliction erased.
Proof Your grace restores as I bow for your mercy.
Billowing winds signal You are always near;
Remembrance of whom rid me of overwhelming fear.
The beauty of Your light catches my eye; I search
for a glimpse of You in the peircing blue sky.
Your love embraces my soul,is Your's endlessly.
You've disencumbered the chains that once bound;
You've given me life; My loving God.
My rock, refuge~my strength, hope and courage.
I am reborn in Your glory.
Joys of Sobriety
Journal entry from June 2011 (9 months sober)
I've been blessed with another day. Sobriety allows me to see and feel the blessings God has given and continues to show me more every day. My kids, a wonderful man who loves me unconditionally...I feel peace & joy. Thank you God for blessing me with sobriety and AA. Not long ago I lacked appreciation for my life and all the good in it. Today I am able to clearly see all You have given me. At times I thought You had left me; now I realize those were the times You carried me. I look back to where I've been, people who came into my life, those who are no longer part of it...You were preparing me for today, my journey, building me into who I am becoming...the stepping stones of my life, leading me to the path you've prepared.