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Baby Tapes

Updated on March 9, 2020
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Survivor of the decision to suicide, author of Trauma Line, Recovery Point and The Unwanted Season.

Excerpts from Chapter 4. Baby Tapes Rewind

Are you allowing the behaviors of your childhood to run your adult life?


Trauma Line - How to Stay Alive When You Don’t Feel Like It.

Excerpts from Chapter 4.

Childhood Behaviors verse Adult Behaviors

Courtesy of Chaplain Mike Dismore

“When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.” (1 Corinthians 13:11)

Rewind and Behavior Changes -

Emotional choices make up what got us here. Here, as in searching for reasons to stay in life.

Let’s start with what were and are your comfort behaviors: a nook as a baby, a blanket, tucking your face in your mom’s neck, and as you grew up could become smoking cigarettes, the folding of arms (self-hug), or hiding your face in shame (shyness).

What else? Pouting as a child, not getting your own way. What about these behaviors? Porn, smoking, drinking, over-eating, gambling, the taking of your own life, could be covering up deeper unmet needs.

“You may not like the map you have been given but to navigate your way out of unwanted behaviors you will need to pay closer attention to what they show you. In other words - How did you get here to this situation in life?

You might be saying to yourself that I should have been able to fix the issue by now, and if you can’t, you assume there is something deeply flawed in you. This is the language of self-hatred. Your failure is the very thing that blinds you from seeing the factors that set you on an inevitable trajectory toward unwanted behavior. This is like indicting yourself for a cancer diagnosis when you grew up next to a leaking nuclear waste facility.” (Adapted from Unwanted by Jay Stringer)

Baby Tapes has been broken down into these five areas so you can see how our childhood behaviors affect our adult behaviors and results.

Behaviors -


Financial Behaviors

What were you taught about money?

I was not taught anything about managing money directly, but I did see how my grandparents handled money and they were very good at it. They were products of WWI and the Stock Market crash of 29. Then I watched a bio on Andrew Carnegie and how he went from dirt poor to becoming wealthy. It was how he managed his money that taught me how to budget money.

Relationship Behaviors

What were you taught about relationships?

At age 2 ½ my parents divorced. At age 5 an older neighbor boy sexually tortured me, and then my mom married a pedophile.

By the time I was nine my oldest brother disappeared from our home and when I asked where he went, my parents said he attacked our stepdad (pedophile) and my brother went to adult jail at age 12. They lied about why he went to jail. This is when I learned how to lie.

At age 12-13 I was taught that all women were good for was for me to enjoy their body. The power of Porn came into my life via Playboy, Penthouse and IOU. Same adult neighbor who only had boys over.

Kids Behaviors

What were you taught about raising kids?

I was not taught anything about raising my own children. But I did learn how to mix fog cutters and smoke pot from an adult neighbor, who never had children of his own. The funny thing is, he never had girls over, only boys.

Work / Career Behaviors

What were you taught about work ethic?

I was taught to work hard by my grandparents. Their work ethic was relentless until their early eights when they finally retired from the funeral chapel. Just a side note, by the time I was in my early thirties I had seen hundreds of dead people.

Health Behaviors

What were you taught about taking care of your health?

The doctor said to my mom, you need to choose who lives. That is how I came into the world, on a decision. From there on I was not taught anything about taking care of my health. But I would say I learned how a person’s health can decline and just live with it. The “just live with it” doesn’t work for me. Chronic pain was one of the driving factors behind planning the end of my life.

Two more key notes on Health Behaviors.

At age 19 years and 10 months I was paralyzed from the waste-down due to not taking care of my back.

I was an alcoholic from age 12-26 which resulted in a 4-day hallucinogenic event when I combined too much drinking and a Hawaiian Columbian marijuana hybrid cocktail together. It took over a week to get straightened out from that one.

The word is true – we reap what we so. In other word’s the results don’t lie. Why do we hide the lie? Shame! Shame always says, nothing will ever be enough. So, if we bury the shame deep enough, we won’t have to accept it.

UNTIL it rears its ugly head and yells at you, you are not good enough. The circuit breaker pop’s and we go do the unthinkable. Your Baby Tapes do not need to control your day. You have the power to take control of your Financial, Relationship, Kids, Work, and Health Behaviors.

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