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Symptoms of BPD

Updated on May 13, 2015

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?


My name is Catherine Taylor and I have Borderline Personality Disorder (also known as BPD). Not sure what that is? Keep reading and I'll try to explain it to you.

Coping with Borderline Personality Disorder isn't easy. I don't know what's harder. Living with the BPD symptoms or trying to pretend that I'm normal. I mean, I try to explain it to people. I don't try to hide it. But it's not something that can be easily explained. I can't just go through the checklist of bpd symptoms because... well, do you know what affective instability or paranoid ideation is? I didn't think so.

I guess the easiest way to explain it is to just tell you how each BPD symptom affects my life. This means opening up to you in a way I've never done before and it's not easy. I know when you're done reading this, you'll probably think I'm crazy and you'll thank your lucky stars that you don't know me. But you'll also be well informed about Borderline Personality Disorder and that's all that matters.


If you have BPD

I know reading about certain things can be triggers, so please be careful reading this. I talk about how it feels when I self harm, so if that's a trigger for you, please skip that section.

Borderline Personality Test

Important!

Everyone has all these symptoms

to a certain extent. To indicate

BPD, 5 or more of these symptoms must be long-standing, persistent and intense.

If you see yourself exhibiting

many of these symptoms, it

might be helpful for you to take a

Test for Borderline Personality Disorder.

And if necessary, make a doctors appointment for a full test.

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

I'm always wondering when my husband is going to leave me. When is that day going to come when he decides he's finally had enough? And because it's always on my mind, I translate everything he does to mean he doesn't want me anymore. When he goes to his friends house, I think he's trying to get away from me or that there must be a woman at his friends. If he walks away while talking on the phone, I think he's talking to (or about) another woman. If he's late coming home from work, I think he doesn't want to be around me or I wonder if he's cheating on me. If I put on make-up and he doesn't say anything, I think he doesn't even care enough to notice me. If he accidentally falls asleep on the couch and doesn't come to bed, I think he must not want to sleep with me anymore. If he wants to go to the store by himself, I think he doesn't want to be seen with me.

Because these thoughts keep roaming around my head, I've tried to control my husband. I thought if I controlled him, those feelings would go away. I asked him to spend less time with his friends, so he did. I told him he had to quit walking away while he was on the phone and he did. I told him to come straight home from work. And he did. I told him to stop falling asleep on the couch so he started sitting up in the recliner instead. I told him if he was going somewhere, I wanted him an automatic invitation. And he let me.

I know you were reading this and thinking "Poor man!" so you'll be happy to know that since I got help, I'm not near as smothering. Yes, I'm still worried my husband will leave me. But now I'm able to think rationally about his actions and not attribute everything he does to mean he doesn't want me.

Pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.


Wow! Could that be any more confusing? That whole big sentence up there can be summed up in one word: Splitting. It's sometimes also called black and white thinking. This means I see everything and everyone as either good or bad. There's no middle ground, no grey area. I have an extreme sense of wrong and right and I use that to determine who's good and who's bad.

If I see you as a good person, you'll have my utmost respect and I'll do absolutely anything in the world for you. However, if you do something wrong, I won't want a thing to do with you. You'll be dead to me. And when this happens, I won't feel a thing. There's no tears, no sorrow. My only thought will be to wonder how I ever lowered myself enough to be your friend.

But no worries. I might change my mind and put you back in the "good" category.

Can you see why this is makes friendships and relationships so hard? Even with help, I haven't been able to break this pattern of thinking.

There are a few people in my life that I just consider fundamentally bad and there's nothing they can do will change my mind.

My husband gets mad at me because one of these bad people is his Dad. His Dad is in a perpetual state of unhappiness so he tries to bring everyone else down too. He picks arguments. He complains about everything. And he says things just to hurt us. His actions bring people to tears. Because I think he's bad, I don't do anything for him. When I cook, I don't make anough for him. When I do the laundry, I leave his unfolded on the bed. I always make sure I'm too busy to help him find a phone number or read a restaurant menu. I just don't think he deserves my help.

So when he tells my husband to help him and my husband does it, I get upset. When I ask my husband why he helps someone who's so mean, my husband says "Because he's my Dad".

The sad thing is, I still don't understand and I sometimes wonder if I ever will.

I think I should point out that this is one symptom I enjoy. Don't get me wrong. I don't like seeing people as good or bad, but I like that I have such a strong sense of right and wrong. I think it helps me make better choices.

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.


I have no sense of self because I'm an emotional roller coaster. I'm up; I'm down; I'm happy; I'm depressed; I feel like I can accomplish anything; I feel worthless. Being in a constantly shifting state between mania and depression sometimes make me feel like I'm 2 different people. In fact, if you ask my husband, he would tell you I act like 2 different people.

Let's look at manic me. I'm happy. I'm loving life. I look at myself and I notice my eyes are pretty and that I'm having a good hair day. When I sit down to write an article, the words come so fast I almost can't write fast enough. And when I publish it, I'm oozing with satisfaction and pride at the results. When I decide to build something (wood working is a hobby of mine), my mind comes up with all these creative ideas that I'm positive I can complete and the finished product is always a thing of beauty. I start conversations with people and I really enjoy talking to them. I feel so content with my life that I go out of my way to help others.

Now let's look at depressed me. I'm sad. I wish I could just go to bed and stay asleep forever. When I look in the mirror, all I see is how much weight I've gained, how big my nose is and why does my hair always have to be this frizzy? Most of the time I won't even bother trying to write anything because I know it's going to turn out like crap. But if I do attempt an article, I can't think of anything to write. I don't build much either. I know my furniture and shelves look like crap so why bother? I don't talk to anyone because they don't want to talk to me anyway. And don't even think of asking me for help. My life's so crappy, why should I do anything to make your life better. Just leave me alone.

Now do you see what I'm talking about? I'm two different people. And do you think these 2 different people aspire for the same career? The same life ambitions? Or that they even have the same opinions? I go through life knowing that who I am today could be completely different from the person I'm going to be tomorrow....or even 5 minutes from now.

And it doesn't end there. When I spend a lot of time with someone, I'll start to absorb parts of their personality. I'll adopt their mannerisms or if they have an accent, soon so will I. But it goes even deeper than that. Borderlines are very tuned in to the feeling of those around them. So if something happens that elicits a strong reaction from them, I'll have the same reaction. It's confusing not knowing if I'm experiencing my own feelings or someone elses. I've also experienced this same reaction while reading books.

My self image is also on a teeter totter. I know deep down I'm a good person. I have good values, good morals, good standards. I'm honest. I'm open. I'm smart and have a unique sense of humor. If I were you, I'd want to be friends with me. But like I said, I know all that deep down. Closer to the surface is a little voice telling me I'm a bad person, that there's just something wrong with me.

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).


I've spent the last 14 years ticking these off my list one by one (and sometimes going back for repeats). I bet every Borderline has. In fact, I bet everyone has done at least one of these. I see you're shaking your head no. Well, answer this.

Have you ever felt a little depressed, so you went to the store and bought something you've been wanting for a while?

When you and your ex broke up, did you go out and drink a beer to try to forget them?

Have you ever been upset and ended up driving just a little faster than you intended, possibly without realizing it?

When you were denied that promotion you worked so hard for, did you go home and end up eating an entire carton of Ben & Jerry's (one spoonful at a time)?

These things are all normal reactions and doing them every once in a while isn't bad. But a Borderline can't just do it every once in a while.

Why? Because we always feel worthless and bad about ourselves and we're desperate to find that one thing that'll make us feel better about ourselves. So when we realize how good we felt after buying that pair of shoes or eating that ice cream, we want to feel like that all the time. So we buy more pick-me-ups and eat more comfort foods. We drive recklessly all the time and we drink beer at every chance.

Then we end up in serious debt. We end up with an eating disorder. We end up with a suspended license (or like me, in the hospital, lucky to be alive). And we end up an alcoholic or even addicted to drugs. And when each of these destructive behaviors ends, we move on to the next.

Recurrent suicidal behavior or self-mutilating behavior.

(possible trigger)

Suicide is always a thought in my mind. I've been attempting it since I was a teenager. Most of the time I take an overdose of pills. But I've also slit my wrists and my most recent attempt was by hanging myself. Obviously I haven't been successful.

Why do I turn to suicide? Because I feel like there's no other option. There's been times in my life where I've hurt so bad on the inside, I swear I could feel it on the outside. I just wanted the pain to stop. When I'm feeling this way, I'm convinced my family and friends would be better off without me. I never think of how traumatic it will be for whoever finds my body. I never think of how painful it would be for my family. These thoughts just aren't there. The only thought is that everything will be better when I'm gone. Sometimes these attempts were triggered by a specific event. Sometimes they were just triggered by a severe depression.

After getting help, I went 3 years without attempting suicide. Then in February 2011, I hung myself from the ceiling with the belt from my robe. As I was hanging there, I realized tomorrow was my daughters birthday and I just couldn't do that to her. I cut myself down just before blacking out. That's the first time I had acknowledged what my family would go through if I died. I swore then and there that I would never try it again. And I hope that's a promise I can keep.

Self mutilation (or self harm) is something I've been doing for a long time. I get really upset when people say a self-harmer is just doing it for attention. Yes, some do. But a lot of us are doing it to make ourselves feel better and we don't want anyone to know. I go to great lengths to keep others from knowing. I wear long sleeves in the summer, tattoo over the scars and if someone notices a fresh cut, I say the cat scratched me or I fell down and cut myself.

I cut myself as a last resort to try to reign in my anger (you'll read about my anger in a little bit). I don't like losing control of my anger. It's embarrassing and it upsets people. So instead, I cut. I also cut to try to make myself feel better when I'm depressed. But mostly it's because of anger.

It's hard to explain what I'm feeling when I cut. When I get to that point, I'm usually trembling from anger. Sometimes, I can hardly keep hold of the blade. But the second I feel the blade on my arm, I calm down a little. And when I feel it slicing through my skin, I feel a tingling warmth wash over my body. I feel so calm. I feel so exhausted. So exhausted I can't even hold my head up. So I sit back and revel in the calm for the few minutes it takes for the anger to come back. Then I sit up and and cut myself again. It usually takes 16-20 cuts to make me feel good enough to stop. Then I clean up the mess, dress my wounds and vow to wear long sleeves until the scabs are gone.

Even though I'm a shallow cutter, I have scars all up and down my arms.

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood.


Have you ever heard of mania? It's common with Borderline Personality Disorder (and also with BiPolar Disorder). Mania is where your mind is anxious, hyper alert and racing. Sometimes my mania is triggered by something (like leaving the house or talking on the phone) but sometimes I get manic for no reason. Sometimes it last a few hours, sometimes a few days. Sometimes being manic makes me happy and productive but other times it makes my mind race so fast, I can't comprehend what's going on around me.

When I'm in a manic state, I'm in GO mode. I have loads of energy and I need little to no sleep. I usually get really creative ideas for building stuff or for writing. I talk so fast, I trip over my words and sometimes I can't even form a sentence. If I'm super manic, I forget to do basic things like eating and drinking. After a while, my body starts shaking and my vision gets blurred. Sometimes I experience partial blackouts. I forget whole conversations. I forget little trips (like to the store or the park). I've even written articles and didn't realize it until days later. While this all sounds horrible, I usually enjoy being manic because that's when I feel good about myself. That's when I feel happy and on top of the world. That when I like myself.

Unfortunately it's not always like that. Sometimes mania produces irritability. I hate those times because they like to sneak up on me. One minute I'm fine and then all of a sudden, everything is wrong. My husband calls it super-pms. I'll nitpick about the dumbest things and use any excuse to start an argument. Sometimes I get fixated on something and won't let it drop. Do you know what the worst part is? While all this is going on, while I'm doing all this, I know I'm behaving irrationally and that I should stop. I know my husband doesn't deserve to be treated like this. But I feel a complete inability to do anything about it. I feel like it's out of my control.

Chronic feelings of emptiness.


It's really hard to describe how it feels to feel empty. It's basically a feeling of nothingness, like nothing matters.

When I feel empty, I don't feel pain or sadness. I don't really feel anything at all. No. I take that back. I feel numb. And I feel alone.

I don't have any opinions or wants because I feel like nothing really matters. I don't make plans or wish for things to happen because it all seems pointless. I don't laugh at jokes, I don't cry at tragedy. I don't have the ability to actually feel anything (or the ability to know what to feel), so sometimes I'll copy the reactions of others. It's almost as if I'm in the world, but I'm not interacting with it; like I'm watching myself. I feel like I'm on auto pilot. If I do something, I'm just going through the motions.

Sometimes this empty feeling will turn into sadness. There was one time when I felt empty for 3 weeks. During the day I just sat on the couch, staring at the walls, thinking my thoughts. But at night when I'd go to bed, I'd feel an overwhelming sadness and cry myself to sleep. That's the longest an empty feeling has ever lasted. Usually it's just a few hours.

During this time, I just want to be alone with my thoughts. But even if my husbands here and sitting right next to me, I barely notice him.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger.


The thing about Borderlines is that our emotions are so strong. We love with every fiber of our being. And we feel hate and anger right down to our core. Sometimes it's hard to control.

When my anger explodes, it usually isn't because of something huge. In an effort to control my anger, I let things pile up in me and then when that one last little thing happens (like the straw that broke the camels back), I explode. At first, I start to feel hot. Then my thoughts start getting confused, like they're all jumbled up. I can feel the room closing in on me. I have trouble breathing. I can feel all that anger all that HATE building up inside me. It's like a volcano just under the surface. Then my vision gets cloudy (sometimes I see double) and the room starts to spin. I find it hard to walk straight or to stand without swaying a little. By now, I'm trembling and my hands are in fists. I try to breathe deeply and I tell myself to calm down but at this point, I'm too far gone. So I either grab a blade and cut myself or I lose control.

If I lose control, I destroy things. I grab whatever's nearest and I throw it. Then I grab something else and I throw that too. I keep grabbing and throwing until either there's nothing left or until I've calmed down a bit. And if someone's in the room, I scream uncontrollably at them (although I should point out that I've never hurt anyone while in a rage). Sometimes these rages get so bad that I black out and don't remember what I've done. When I finally calm down, I go into a deep depression and stay there for days.

After getting help, my rages have calmed down and now they rarely happen. Instead of 7 or 8 times a year, now it's barely once a year. And now I'm able to stop myself before I break too much and sometimes before I break anything at all. This is huge progress for me and I'd say of all the things I've changed over the last few years, my husband is probably most happy with this one.

Transient, stress related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.


I get stressed very easily. Part of that is because BPD is a very hard condition to live with. And part of it is because it's not the only condition I live with (and mental conditions like to feed off each other). When I get over stressed, I get paranoid. No, you won't find me hiding in the bathtub wearing a tin foil hat and no, I don't think there's a government agency recording to every word I say (at least not all the time). But I do get paranoid of the people around me. I think people do things just to cause me unhappiness.

If two people are talking too low for me to hear, I know they're talking about me (and it's never good talk). I have to have my purse right next to me at all times because I'm scared someone will get into it. When someone does something that irritates me, I know they did it on purpose. And my biggest paranoid fear? That people can tell I'm not normal just by looking at me.

Right now, I'm not stressed, so I'm not paranoid. So this all sounds utterly ridiculous (admit it. You had the same thought). I mean, do I really think my hubby leaves his half empty soda cans everywhere just to annoy me? No. I think he just sets them down somewhere convenient and then forgets about them. But when I'm paranoid, I know he does it to upset me. And when I'm in this paranoid state, nothing you do or say will make me think otherwise.

What makes BPD so different from other mental disorders?


Most mental conditions are caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. That means if you take the right medication, your mental imbalance is restored. However, Borderline Personality is different. Most of the time it's caused by trauma during childhood, trauma so significant that it essentially rewired the brain. As of today, there are no medications to treat BPD as a whole. You can take different medications to help certain symptoms, but that's like chopping off a finger and trying to fix it with a band-aid. The only real fix is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (or DBT).

DBT is an intensive therapy designed to reteach your brain how to think, feel and react. It includes practicing a bunch of mental exercises over and over again to prepare our brains to handle certain situations. It teaches someone like me how how to manage all the overwhelming emotions I feel. It's not easy and it's not fun, but it's rewarding.

Help for Borderline Personality Disorder


After years of riding my emotional roller coaster, I finally realized I needed to get some help. So I started searching for doctors that offered DBT. Unfortunately, the closest one is 500 miles away and even if I could get there, I couldn't afford the treatment. So I started searching for alternative treatments. What I found was a book written by the founder of one of the leading BPD clinics. I'll be honest. I laughed at the thought of a book helping me. I mean, I'd always heard that it took years of intensive therapy to beat BPD. But after seeing that 99% of the reviews were positive, I decided to give it a chance.

When I first got the book, I read through it and was once again skeptical about it helping me. It seemed too easy and some of the exercises sounded silly. But like I said, I was going to give it a chance. It was one of the best decisions of my life.

Through the exercises in the book (which, by the way, are NOT easy or silly), I've learned to better understand my symptoms and why I'm like this. I've learned to think rationally about certain situations. I've learned how to spot my triggers and see my warning signs and prevent certain episodes from even happening. The biggest example of this is my anger. I know that when my thoughts start getting jumbled, that's a sign for me to take a step back and do something that calms me down (like laying down or taking a walk).

Am I cured? Yep! It only took a month! No. I'm just kidding. I'm a long ways from being "cured" but I'm a lot closer than I was a few years ago.

Is it easy? I wish I could say yes, but it's one of the most difficult things I've ever done. Day one started with me recalling certain tramatic events in my life, figuring out how I feel about them and then working through those feelings. Writing them down, realizing they (and the people involved) are part of the reason I have BPD and then working through those feelings is incredibly difficult.

Is it a quick fix? Once again, I have to say no. I read the same sections over and over. I practice the same exercises again and again. I've been at it for years and I'll keep doing it for years to come. Why? Because it's helping and that's what matters.

Getting More Help

A couple years after getting The Angry Heart, I decided to look into DBT again. Big surprise: I still couldn't afford it. But during my search, I was told about another self-help book for Borderline Personality Disorder. After having such great results with the first one, I had no qualms about trying this book too.

While it's similar to The Angry Heart, this book shows focuses more on DBT exercises. I'm using both books now, practicing exercises from both. I've realized that the more I practice, the better prepared I am to use that technique when the need arises. Of course, right now I'm still at the point where I have to consciously tell myself how to act and react, but I hope someday that using the techniques in these books will be like second nature to me.

Video about Borderline Personality Disorder

This video makes me cry every time I watch it. It's just so honest and raw. The owner was scared about putting it up because she thought it was too depressing, but it's not. It's beautiful.

I know after reading this, you probably think I'm completely nuts (which is true) and that my husband is a saint (which is also true). Some of you also might think that because I'm so aware of my disorder, I should be able to just change my behavior. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.

When I was a child, I suffered through horrible abuse and mistreatment that basically rewired my brain. It took years for that to happen and it won't just go away because I want it to.

To put it another way: Suppose you're left handed but you want to be right handed. Just because you know you're left handed, doesn't mean it's going to be any easier to teach yourself to do everything right handed.

I hope this article brought you a little closer to understanding the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. You don't have to sign up in order to comment. Feel free to ask any questions below.

I've received many comments from other Borderlines who feel so alone in their struggles. First of all, I'd like to thank you for having the courage to tell your own stories. I'd like to help, so if you'd like, you can friend me on Facebook and I'll put you in touch with the support group that's helped me more than I ever imagined possible. Make sure to also send me a FB message telling me you came from this article. Otherwise I'll probably think you're a pervy stalker and turn you down :)

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    • DaydreamerJay profile image

      DaydreamerJay 2 years ago

      BPD can really be a struggle for the sufferer as well as their family and friends. This is a very informative and helpful article. Thanks for writing it!

    • Nancy Hardin profile image

      Nancy Carol Brown Hardin 3 years ago from Las Vegas, NV

      Hope you are well. I revisited this because of the issues in my home. It's an inspiring story, and I feel there is still hope for my family member. Thanks again for your courage and honesty in telling this story.

    • profile image

      judgemenot82 3 years ago

      Thank you, this has really helped me come to realization of what I'm feeling and that I'm not alone, or crazy..

    • profile image

      judgemenot82 3 years ago

      Yeah I have a lot of thoughts issues,I thought I was bipolar but the more I research and look at what I'm going through it makes so much sense. I was diagnosed recently with BPD, in the past several doctors have diagnosed me with different things like bipolar or post traumatic stress, but I think its BPD! I have a lot of the same issues that I can't seem to control. My mind is always racing but I have no energy..my boyfriend always tells me my thinking pattern is all in my head and that I over anylize everything.. it's a fight or flight feeling I get a lot and a (I love you one day and I hate you the next, please come back I can't live without you... uhh so exahsting and unbearable at times...

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      Wow! You are awesome, you have basically described me to a tea. I thought it was just me. Thank you so much for sharing your story, it has helped me to know that I am not alone.

    • Gypzeerose profile image

      Rose Jones 4 years ago

      Back to sprinkle some angel dust - such a great, great job here. Sharing your pain has helped a lot of people.

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      This is one of the best articles on BPD I've ever read. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

    • profile image

      moonlitta 4 years ago

      You've done an amazing job here. It is amazing how much can a single text page mean to numerous people. I hope this is the place where they understand they are not alone, and that there are hundreds of people out there leading the same struggle every day. Life is not easy for none of us, and we should more often look into the lives of others to see our situation is unique, yet the lives of other people share the same difficulties, and the same feelings. This really helps a lot, and the way you've explained it allows to everyone interested to identify with you, and empathize.

    • profile image

      TommysPal 4 years ago

      I was diagnosed with BPD in 1992. Years and years of therapy (still ongoing) have helped me a lot. I am celebrating 6 months with no self injury and no hospitalizations. Yay! Thanks for writing this lens.

    • profile image

      KWMoss 4 years ago

      Wow amazing explanation, hit real close to home

    • HSP Connections profile image

      Peter Messerschmidt 4 years ago from Port Townsend, WA, USA

      It's beautiful and courageous, all at once. My ex of many years ago was a Borderline, but had nowhere near the self-awareness you do... many nods of recognition as I read through this; tinged with some sadness. They know much more about BPD in 2013 than they did in 1992, and that makes me happy. Bright blessings to you!

    • bossypants profile image

      bossypants 4 years ago from America's Dairyland

      What an incredibly courageous and generous article. You are so articulate and so bravely explain your experiences -- impressive seems too small a word. You'll probably never know all the people you've helped with the story of your experiences. Congratulations on your successes. It sounds like hard work and you are to be commended.

    • StretchingExerc profile image

      StretchingExerc 4 years ago

      What a lovely lens. I am so grateful for such authentic writing. BPD is a personal topic many people shy away from. You have really helped so many people through this lens. Thank you.

    • AcornOakForest profile image

      Monica Lobenstein 4 years ago from Western Wisconsin

      Thank you for sharing your story! It's so important that mental health becomes acceptable to talk about, and you've helped us all in sharing this. I now understand more about BPD.

    • gottaloveit2 profile image

      gottaloveit2 4 years ago

      You've written one of the most important articles I've ever read on the internet. The courage you have is awe inspiring. You've inspired me to open up about a few situations in my life. Articles will be coming. Thanks. Lori. Blessed.

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      Wow... I was in a relationship with a woman for four years, that I loved dearly and when things were good, they were just utterly terrific! But it was like there were two different people - the swings to extremes were just so puzzling and hurtful to me.

      And she seemed to have no idea or did not want to recognize the hurt that it caused - and I know that in trying to deal with the behavior, when it was crazy, I probably went a little crazy myself because it was just so... bizarre to me.

      She exhibited almost all of what you wrote about above, except for the suicide and cutting, and I'm also not sure of the "manic" feelings. However, I know her memory was very odd at times; she forgot things that seemed strange things to me, to forget, and also there were times when her memory of some incidents or occasions was so off base and incorrect.

      There were times when she made me believe that it was all me; that somehow there was something about me that was triggering her into the extremes. There were times when 12 hours after telling me she loved me more than anything, she would be telling me how "evil" I am, and to this day, I still have no clue or idea as to what triggered the changes, quite often.

      Other times, the triggers were things that were so small and most people I know would be able to see how small or inconsequential something might be - to her it was a reason to act in a most hurtful, insulting, and extreme manner.

      I couldn't understand it. There was never any resolution to issues that would come up. Trying to get to some resolution would often be another "trigger."

      But I loved her so much. Part of me still does love that part of her that made us awesome, when things were good... we could laugh for hours together, sometimes, until there were tears in our eyes. We would go out in public and people would ask us if we were on our honeymoon.

      It's been just over a year, and it still lingers.

      Things were going pretty good it seemed, and then out of the blue, she began yelling at me on the phone.. and told me she was moving 2,000 miles away. Boom. Just like that.

      She seems to have no sense or idea of the emotional hurt it caused. She seems totally oblivious to it.

    • Gloriousconfusion profile image

      Diana Grant 4 years ago from United Kingdom

      Very insightful - I learned so much - Blessings

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      Thoughtfully explained and clear. Good work on this lens. Even when you've read a ton of the literature, a chance to look at the basics is a welcome resource.

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      Thank you so much for writing this. It has helped me to understand what is wrong with me and how I can help myself. You are saving lives :-)

    • athomemomblog profile image

      Genesis Davies 4 years ago from Guatemala

      I have a family member who suffers from BPD and truthfully, I suspect I do, as well, at least certain aspects of it. I will have to get that book.

    • profile image

      iamjazme 4 years ago

      I have a friend who is exactly like your situation.Now I understand her more.

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      @Othercatt: Thank-you for answering. Good to know it's probably best not to send her this link. I've found the only way to deal is to not have a relationship with her. I'm an adult now. I love my mom but her behaviors are too damaging to me to continue a relationship with her. You've helped me to understand the best I can do is back off and basically save myself. Thank-you. And thank-you for recognizing the disorder and not projecting it onto your kids.

    • Othercatt profile image
      Author

      Othercatt 4 years ago

      @anonymous: Yes, I have 4 kids, but I've never treated them like that. I love my kids no matter what. I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. You're probably right about your mom. This has come up many times in my group (telling someone you think they might have BPD) and we all agree it's the worst thing you can do.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      This article aptly describes my mother and the way she acts and has treated me. All my life she has tried to control me and either glorifies me or considers me dead to her depending on whether I am in her good book or bad book. She either loves me or hates me and she can switch on a dime. She accuses me of abandoning her if I so much as say "no thank-you" to something she offers that I don't want (it's like I am not entitled to my own feelings, even about the small things). I have to walk on eggshells all the time for fear of doing something or saying something she thinks is "wrong". She blames me for everything that goes wrong in the family. I'm wondering if you are a mother and if so, can you relate to how I feel? I know if I sent this link to my mother she would accuse me of being the one who is mentally ill. i think it's very courageous of you to post this and I thank you from the heart. PLease help.

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      CreativeGal 4 years ago

      When you empty your heart and soul to others, you allow love and inspiration to flow in.

      I've often wondered, deeply wondered, how the Tibetans who are brutally tortured for years on end can maintain compassion and love toward those who torture them -- to not reject them. This week in a book written by the Dalai Lama (I'm not Buddhist, but picked it up spontaneously at a book store) I read his answer. He said they think/feel 3 questions:

      1) I am a human being

      2) i want to be happy

      3) They (he, she) want to be happy

      I've switched these to be: I am just a human being. I just wanted to be happy. He (she, they) just wanted to be happy.

      Somehow, as hundreds of images from the past flow in, they become immersed in forgiveness and compassion. My feelings of rejection of myself and toward others is melting -- fast.

      Thank you for creating this lens.

    • Nancy Hardin profile image

      Nancy Carol Brown Hardin 4 years ago from Las Vegas, NV

      Revisited- This is an important subject, and I wish I could like it twice. Failing that, have some angel dust for your excellent lens. Happy Thanksgiving!

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I'm like you. I must live with my hateful mood swing. I can't look anyone or think something without thinking if the day after the emotion will be the same. Rage flow in my vein and only my guilty feeling can stop it, i can never lost control aside from myself. But the intensity of our emotion is something unbelievably wonderful. I'm not crazy (i guess) but emotion like this are not stuff people should shed. And I do not want change how I am, pain that I feel every day fill the empty. Instead all want give me psychotropic drugs for mood rage and whatever. So all of this to say I'm not in agreement with you. Is a Personality disorder so trying to change it is like trying to change your inner personality.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      It would be wrong not to thank you.

      So thank you...

      I'm sure you understand.

      Thank you so much.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      You have given me hope.. understanding.. and relief.. how truly amazing it is just knowing that there are others like myself out here.. i felt like some sort of failed experiment, settling for the reason of my being as some sort of victim who was simply "better" equipped to deal with all that i have had to deal, and maybe some that i "didn't" but nonetheless, my constant depression and simple misunderstanding of the world around me has been one of the most frustrating existences even someone like myself could imagine.. borderlines sounds a lot better than the "others" or so i have come to call whoever it is that we are.. i can't cut myself, not because im not sad enough, but because i don't want to give anyone a reason to feel bad for me.. anger problems i chalked up to my father. abandonment to my mother. and my lack of control to my life. proud wouldn't quite be the word id use to describe myself, maybe humans as a whole for evolving such talent for extreme measures, but i hate myself just the same for being so open, yet being so closed to the world around me. my brain has somehow let me know that its been wired incorrectly, perhaps through social trial and error or simply too much alone time.. for those of us out there like us, there is no us.. just wish bpd had a nice blue pill i could take and balance myself out. don't try lsd to fix your brain, it makes your curiosity worse. don't blame the world. don't blame yourself. but then what or who is there to blame? or are some of us just unlucky and that's how the cookie crumbles. i have people to blame, don't want to though, gives them power.. im sure someone feels me on that issue.. but again thank you for helping me not feel so scared and alone.. and the video crushed me to smithereens with realization.. cured? negative, feeling better than i did 15 minutes ago, not to mention just yet, my entire existence? Surely..

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Hello. I have for the longest time it seems been trying to figure out what it is necessarily to even describe what is going on in my mind.

      I am 21 years old and have not been in this emotional state but since I was roughly 14-15. Even after reading this I can now at least put words and meaning behind what it is I feel but I still do not understand what triggered the process to begin with.

      I have moments where I am happy as you say, At one moment I can be the guy that everyone loves, charismatic and witty and full of stories to entertain. Then on the other hand this same person who is full of life can all of the sudden feel the biggest void of emptiness and I can't explain it.

      I have a girlfriend whom which I am so in love with, I could truly never explain how much she means to me and is my world. At times I feel as though you do "why is she not asking to come over? does she not want to be around me?" I have the exact paranoia feeling that you portray. I all the sudden will have all these thoughts and horrible things racing through my head. Even before the thought hits it is like subconsciencely my mind has triggered itsself into a mood it has lined up. Of course me worrying is going to do nothing but cause stress when I feel the need to bring up a concern, I do not want to portray a controlling boyfriend to her just her to understand. In no way shape or form could I ever see her hurting me but I cannot control the feeling and I know it is only a matter of time before I push her away and lose her. I can logically talk to myself and say "Josh, you're being stupid this is nothing to worry about. You're going to ruin all of this because of being in a shitty mood." After reading comments of such things this has made me want even more to some how find a way out of this.

      In many situations when I am triggered (for no reason) into this what I call threading a needle feeling which I presume is anxiety I then become an angry person. Once in this state I am no fun to be around, my wit then becomes a weapon which is used on others emotions irrationally. Even in this state I am still able to speak to myself logically but it never works. I impulsively say things that I know will only hurt me and there is no sense in saying them but when I do it is not 5 seconds before I am feeling the remorse and emptiness...then it spirals and my thoughts are unclear so I'll continue to lash out. Now ive found myself embarrassed and empty and only wish I could vanish.

      I hate waking up already angry, for nothing. Once I am in this mood the only way of breaking it seems to be doing something out of impulse of anger that I know I will regret just to go into the cycle emptiness but even just to realize that's all it got me, emptiness and regret. I truly wish I could have control over my emotions and how I felt about how I see the world. I truly experience all of the signs that you mentioned. I understand this is an isolated incident but this is how I feel no matter what the situation. I've never actually sat down and tried to put in words and explain what it is I feel so I am sorry if it came across very pinpoint on one subject.... everyday and every moment is a different random conflict of feelings. I just hope you understand that this is just the problem of the moment, the next I'm sure is not too far away.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Thanks for this. Your candour makes it easier to understand my family members' perspective

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I am sorry that you have experienced this, but I am also sorry that I lived with someone with BPD for 20+ yeas. He refused to admit that he had a problem. He refused get treatment and in order to save myself and my children, I finally had no choice, except to move-on. While it is good that your presentation focuses on your pain, until you are willing/able to acknowledge all of the pain and suffering that you have inflicted upon those around you, you will never be free.....

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Read your post and I can't stop crying I know how much it hurts to feel alone but I feel more alone then ever I was fine ad happy and all of sudden I'm crying It must be hard to have wrote this but thankyou I know I'm not the only one who feels like this xo

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      CristianStan 4 years ago

      To be honest, I didn't know anything about this before I read your lens, great piece of information!

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I have never been able to understand why i feel like i feel. I swing wildly back and forth about who i am and what i want. I have a bf who has recently been helping me and showingbme these emotions are not normal. Your blogbhelped me so much. I felt i was alone. I have an appt witj a counselor. I ruined a good marriage bc of these bpd symptons and spuraled into deep depression eating disorder and drinking. I want help. Im so tired of feeling hurt and sad and alone for no reason. Thank you you are so brave

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I suffer from bpd im 19. Lost the person i love because of my bpd. Its hard. THANK YOU FOR SHARING. It sounds all exactly like me. You make me not feel alone. Its hard and i feel like i will never find love because of it and the way i think :'(

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      i was diagnosed in August 2012. Originally it was major depression but that was wrong i have being like this for 40 years and have spent that time cutting and trying to kill myself. i am finding it hard to get help and my behaviour has escalated in the past few months. My husband has left me my family has disowned me.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I just wanted to tell you that this article is amazing. Thank you for being brave enough to share it with us. I'm currently taking a psychology class and a few weeks ago I was looking through my textbook modules to help me choose a case study. I've heard of BPD because my mother has suffered from mental illness for most of her life, but it was exposed until about 13 years ago. She was first diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression..... than they diagnosed her with BPD, and only a couple years ago discovered she actually has Dissociative Identity Disorder. .. ...anyway, so I have heard of BPD but never knew exactly what it was until I read it in my textbook. I have been struggling with my own battle for the past few years. I am 25 and I have gotten some proffessional help but rarely do I find help from others....helpful. I have basically been trying to find my own way. My mother who has been a client at the local rehab center for years, passed on her DBT books and CBT books to me. They helped me in understanding a lot about myself and I can honestly say I have come a long way. A year ago a normal day consisted of everything you described in your article, from paranoia to cutting or threats of suicide. COnstantly thinking the world was out to get me, feeling worthless, and than high on life....I still have some symptoms every once in a while but nowhere near as often as they used to happen. When you were describing your bouts of controlling your husband, I was very much reminded of myself and that is what pains me the most. I hate when he leaves to go anywhere....without me, because even though I know NOW that he is here with ME because he wants ME, when I get in those moods, I still cant help but feel like he is doing something wrong. Anyway, I will definitely be looking into getting help to find recovery. I thank you again for posting this amazing article.

    • GeekGirl1 profile image

      GeekGirl1 4 years ago

      i appreciate the share of these informative materials. i just wanted to say that there's nothing to be ashamed if one decides to consult a therapist. in a way, that is good because you are acknowledging that there needs to be addressed in your life.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Thanks for sharing, very helpful information. I scored a 23 on the test. I have a lot of the symptoms and have been like this since high school (I'm 55 years old). Now that I have a name for it I can ask my doctor about it when I go in for a check up at the end of the month. God Bless you

    • advicegirl lm profile image

      advicegirl lm 4 years ago

      thank you for this information. my daughter has been displaying symptoms of this for many years, and I believe that it is hereditary. her father suffered from especially the black and white issues without having grays and I never knew why he couldn't understand the differences of shades of gray. i did notice that my daughter, with age, is getting better at controlling her outbursts, she also exercises a lot, which i believe assisted her with the uncontrollable mood swings. anyway, i hope you find your answers.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Thank's so much for sharing your disorder with us, I was looking up something for someone else, but you mention about being paranoid , thinking people do things just to bother you, well just so happen's I know people like that, and they have told me that they do this stuff just to get to other people, so dont be so hard on your self, there really are bad people out there, have you ever tried to smoke a little mary jane, it might help with all your going through, and for your father-in-law, he deserves nothing, he is a ass, and you are right in thinking so. best wishes and health to you.

    • Blonde Blythe profile image

      Blonde Blythe 4 years ago

      Beautiful lens! You're a wonderful writer. I applaud your honesty.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      WOW! Catherine thank you sooo much for this article! It is sooo well written and I totally relate to it all! Thank you so much for your honesty, it is greatly appreciated! (((hugs)))

    • Totus Mundus profile image

      Totus Mundus 4 years ago

      I think there are more people with personality disorders than we care to acknowledge. It's easier to pretend it's not happening.

    • Othercatt profile image
      Author

      Othercatt 4 years ago

      @anonymous: It sounds like you have some symptoms of BPD, but the only way to truly diagnose it is through a professional. I noticed you mentioned school. I'm not sure if you mean high school or college, but if you're still in high school, you probably won't get diagnosed with BPD. Most psychiatrists refuse to diagnose it in anyone younger than 18.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Is there Another way I could talk to you besides Facebook? I am 21 and I actually had me an my boyfriend delete outs out of the intense fighting and paranoia it caused. I have not been diagnosed, ever. I went to therapy last year where they put me on Prozac but I honestly didnt feel different nor did my anxiety lessen at all stop I stopped going and I stopped the meds. Not only did they not work but they made me gain weight and I'm normally a thin girl. I gained 20 lbs. I have read about BPD before but every person I try to confide in about it like "T, your crazy you don hAve that" mainly because I think the title makes us sound a lot crazier than it is. I'm a functional person. I work teaching preschool at a daycare, but I'm not happy. This article was great to read because I relate so much to alot of it. I've never seriously considered if I had BPD mainly because I try to ignore the fact that there is something definitely wrong with my emotion and brain. My boyfriend can't go to his friends house with out my being completely all over him about who is there if he's talking to girls..etc. and he is a very mature guy who loves me very much. My friends and family get angry with me for being so hard on him because he's so honest and completely faithful. That's where i split because i have in it my brain thAt this specific group pf girls and bad. there is no way around it i wouldn't do a thing for any of those "skanks". they could never be okay in my mind. but in reailty, those are my boyfriends friends from school ad it SHOULD be okay for him to have friends. and when im fine i can realize that. but when the attack or whatever it is tales over im completely right and nothing is changin my mind. i love him more than Anything and do not mean to hurt him. During the fights I know deep down he is being good but there's STILL that fight in me over nothing and I can't get this behaviors or thoughts to stop. Do I have bpd? Scored a 22

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Thank you just thank you you have written about "me"

      I so wish I could find a way out of my abyss :(

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I'm not alone!

      <3

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: BPD patients are subjected to a huge amount of prejudice in the mental health field and from health care workers in general. I hope treatment gets easier for you, read the suggested books. Things will get better, then they will get worse again, then they will get better. BPD life is all ups and downs.

    • Othercatt profile image
      Author

      Othercatt 4 years ago

      @anonymous: We have more in common than you think. I was diagnosed for 3 months before my doctor finally told me what I had. I also had the same problems telling people about having BPD. If you need help, please read https://hubpages.com/health/explainingmentalillnes... . It'll show you step by step how to tell your boyfriend about your BPD (hopefully without him freaking out like your best friend).

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Thank you so much for this article. I was diagnosed months ago but I just found out yesterday. Apparently no one thought there was a point to telling me. My best friend brushed me off saying "yeah okay, everybody has BPD," and then immediately changed the subject. No one wants to talk about it and I'm too scared to tell my long-time boyfriend (he's the one thing that gives me some meager sense of identity,) because I'm scared he'll react like my best friend or freak out. I have no other friends because I'm "vicious" and burdensome. I feel like I'm stuck in a small box that keeps growing smaller and I'm terrified at the prospect of having to leave my house. This article helped me take a deep breath when I felt like I've been suffocating. I am so grateful for that.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Your an amazing women. I know im not alone with this thank you for sharing your story to us.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I saw myself in this video and I'm proud to have survived this long..thank you...I hope to find some light soon

    • CraftaholicVete profile image

      CraftaholicVete 4 years ago

      I appreciate your honesty as most wouldn't. Some of these sort of sound like Bi-polar and PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) /which I live with; but nevertheless, I hope that your husband does everything he can to help you and be of a great support. I am proud of you for not cutting in 3 years. I have a hard time with anger as well but am doing all I can to control it. Thank you for sharing and hopefully this will open other people's eyes that not all disabilities are physically seen. Life itself is a struggle but if you have a good support system it helps.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Thank you for sharing your experiences with BPD. I have been diagnosed about six years ago and it's still such a struggle. I have been through the DBT group and continue to see a DBT therapist and it helps. As I read through your paragraphs, there were just so many things that you did, that really hit home for me. I felt as though you were telling my story.

      Being vocal about this and sharing your story take tremendous strength and courage.

      Keep doing well for yourself.

      And thank you for helping me feel not so alone. :)

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      oh my goodness i am so proud of you well done, i was lost but with DBT i am found, luckily in australia it is free once diagnosed with BPD, but very hard to get the diagnosis ( many hospital mental ward visits ) and a huge wait list but anyhoo i waited and started the HARD work in retraining my brain, feelings and reactions to situations, i completed the 12 month commitment to it 2 days a week and i am soooooo glad i was recognized in needing this DBT, it changed my life, i am alive now, THANKYOU

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I believe my son has this, he has pushed us all away, and won't communicate with us. His ups and downsspirals affect my life so much, and I want to help him but I don't know how, reading your article I can see the past few years of his life before me. I know his Father certainly had BPD, and still does, after 12 years of abuse I left him over 20 years ago, but I can now see pieces of his personality in my son.... how can I help him.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Wow. Thank you so much. For many years now I have known, as have those close to me, that there's something not quite right with me. The only way I can describe it is that my brain isn't wired properly. Over the years I have labelled myself (and been labelled) as a bitch, over dramatic, hyper sensitive insane mad, bad, dirty, evil. I could go on but I think you understand. I have done and said some heinous things of which I am deeply deeply ashamed. Worst of all I have done these to people I dearly love.

      I came across this article after a light bulb moment yesterday afternoon. I am still reeling a bit because things make sense after so many years of feeling incredibly lonely and confused. Forgive me if I ramble. I had spent the afternoon convincing myself that my loving supportive boyfriend was actually secretly in love with someone else and desperately trying to find evidence of this. I even screamed and ranted at him down the phone while he was at work doing a job he hates to support us and our children. I have no idea why but once he'd calmed me down, I looked up BPD (it must have stuck in my mind at some point during my years of trying to figure out why my romantic relationships were always so stormy and dysfunctional). Some of what I read scared me - quite a few writers seem to be very scathing of people with this and see them as manipulative and untreatable. Very negative and disheartening.

      This article gives me hope. And where there's hope - there's promise. I so so so want to change and my Mum says that I manage my feelings much better these days. However, I am so in love with my partner that the old feelings have resurfaced. I did idealise him at the beginning and I did do all the BPD stuff like telling him my life story on the 1st night we met and then promptly bursting into alcohol fuelled tears. He's not perfect but his support love and understanding have been invaluable. He has been (mostly) incredibly patient with me.

      I want to get a handle on this. I don't want my Mum to cry about me anymore or for my children to worry. I have told my Mum and she's done lots of reading all through the night. So has my partner. I don't deserve their love or support.

      I don't know where to go with this though. I'm still digesting it all. I'm scared of having a label and being judged. I have whole chunks of time where I don't think horrible negative thoughts, where if I drink it's a little and I just enjoy it -rather than using it. I feel ok-good. Then kabam. It all comes crashing down.

      What can I do to make this better? Where do I start? Please help me.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Just wanted to put my two cents in and say anyone that judges a person for having this, is a fool. no matter what a persons disorder, or fault, they are human to. We should all be so appreciative of life and engage in realtions with others no matter what things people have that others don't. You are a strong woman that can overcome any obstacle and i take my hat of to you for that. Keep your mind focused and pursue your dreams. We all have them, and we all need help others along the way. Much love and respect for your post

    • familialmediter profile image

      familialmediter 4 years ago

      Very nice lens on such an important topic. BPD is more common than we think and it's crucial we as a society understand how to deal/treat these kinds of symptoms and people suffering from BPD. Appreciate this information you've shared with us. Thank you!

    • Othercatt profile image
      Author

      Othercatt 4 years ago

      @Bookmama2: My husband has read a lot about BPD. I made sure of it. That way he knows what to expect. It's still a strain on our relationship, but thankfully my husband has the strength for it.

    • Bookmama2 profile image

      Bookmama2 4 years ago

      I commend your courage in writing this lens and providing so much information. I think it's awesome that the one book has helped you so much. Have other family members gotten any assistance from books or counselor to help them understand BPD? It seems like it could put a strain on any close relationship.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I want to thank you for shedding some light on BPD. It takes great courage and bravness to share the things you have shared which takes amazing strength to put yourself out there on a public platform. Most people would not of for fear of being judged. Its great to see you have moved beyond caring what other people think because it's a freedom like no other. Across the country people need to reach out to another to have these type of discussions because most people have either suffered some type of mental illness or have had a close family member who has. I have to admit I have had my own battles with PTSD and through therapy and the help of a higher power (not in a religious sense) I am symptom free with the rare nightmare now and then. Sending Love and Light your Way.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      My gosh you sound just like me and I have been trying to find out what is wrong with me for the last 10 years I have put me and my family through hell with binge drinking numerous times of overdoses which has led to me lo longer being in control of my meds my husband is...no one has yet to label me with anything I have just gone though 2 months of hell fighting with my phychiatrist over numerous things and I have left his office bawling...what agreat he has been..anyway it is nice to hear that it is just not me!!

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      All I can say is amazing! although I'm not medically diagnosed with BPD after seeking dr's support n seeing mental health professional... I relate to a lot of what you have said and it certainly made me feel do much better... I've slowly overcome a lot in my life through supportive family n hubby and my faith in god. I wondered if you could recommend any Facebook or online support groups that are helpful... That would be fab... You take care n keep remembering how much you have achieved!!! Love n peace xx

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Hi, I'm almost 15. I read everything and I cannot explain how exact this explains me... Thank you.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I had just wanted to say thank you for being so brave in writing your own experiences, but also for the information you provided. Truthfully, I feel like I can relate to you, and because of your information I think I have a better understanding of myself, and where to look to help myself. Thank you.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      You have done a remarkable job on writing all of this. It's very personal and heartfelt and brave as well. Thank you for sharing. I am sure this is helpful to many people who find it whether they choose to comment or not.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I personally cannot put words to describe how beautiful this video is...

    • savingmoneywith profile image

      savingmoneywith 4 years ago

      Very brave of you to share your life experieince. Knowing a family as I do I know its hard to speak about yourself like this. Let alone a therapist. Bravo for getting the word out on BPD!!

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Thank you so much for sharing this, I was diagnosed with having Personality Disorder and had stopped going to therapy along time ago because I could not handle the diagnosis of Having PD and PTSD, so I stopped I came across this page tonight and It has explained a lot to me and in some sort of way Helped me to understand why I feel The way I do on a daily basis (an Eye Opener) I hope to find help again someday....... THANK YOU AGAIN VERY VERY MUCH

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      OMG, Thank you sooooo much for telling your story as I have a 24 yr. old son that has been exhibiting these symptoms since right after puberty. My ex husband has scheduled and paid for about 20 appointments to a sociologist, but he hasent started going yet. This describes him to a tee, thank you again for sharing and we will get these books for him and let the doctor know what I suspect may be his problem! Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!!!!!!

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: you wrote exactly what i'm feeling at this very moment sitting in my cubicle at work. I hold it together because I need to keep my job to maintain independence and a vague normalcy for a 32 year old. I don't want my family to find out. they would only tell me to find god, or go see a doctor, or medication. None of which work... i've tried long term. and when it ends up not helping it makes me more depressed. it doesn't help me to know others are the same. I wish it did. I just wish these feelings and thoughts would go away.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      God bless you. They say that in life sometimes we are inflicted with hardships for a reason, and i truly believe that God has given you this because it was your calling to share your journey with so many in need. Thank you so much for sharing, may God reward you with healing

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: You are the kind of people we need in this world to beat the stigma attached to mental health. Really, well done. I'm looking for something to say that will convey how much you have done for other people with BPD by posting this wonderful piece of work. It is a very selfless act and you deserve all the praise each poster has returned. I really hope you can do more of this sort of work in the future (I'm not really sure how) because this is the sort of stuff needed to beat stigma. Really intimate details, your simply wonderful.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I am so happy and sad that I found this. I have and still very much do all of these. I destroy all my relationships and trying to salvage my relationship with my now 5 year old daughter whom I lost custody of. I lost her because of my actions towardsmy boyfriend and the courts dont like to deal with the mentally ill in a positive light. I live a constant hell and the great days are few when compared to the crazy ones. I have destroyed my relationship with my boyfriend who wanted to marry me, but all I do is destroy him. I know it's not right. I push people away because I feel pain, anger, HATE. I feel the Phantom of the Opera. Please don't look at me, just go. I have been dealing with BPD my whole life and I am 26. Out of those 26 years I have only been medicated for a year. If I keep going the route I have been going I will surely end up dead. I get to see my psychiatrist this coming Tuesday. I can't wait.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: Amalie this is so beautiful I am crying my eyes out reading this. The original post is amazing also so brave and wonderful at the same tine! I can relate so much to a lot of this not all but a lot and wonder too if it's because o childhood abuse etc. I'm scared if I'm honest I know it's weak but I don't want something that's happened in my past to effect me in my life. I was just searching on the web for some of my symptoms and bpd has came up both times.. I already go to therapy for my abusive childhood and all the other things related to it. Maybe I have this maybe I don't but such an amazing read from all of the posters on this. Xxx

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I have been called a rock, that nothing could ever make me cry. But just that first section had me almost hysterically crying. This made me just.. Happy. I'm not as alone as I thought I was. I'm gonna show my boyfriend this because I have basically been trying this too him for such a long time now. Thank you so much.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @anonymous: A good book for people that have loved ones with BPD is Stop Walking on Eggshells by Mason Kreger.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      This story has hit home to me. I was just diagnosed and my boyfriends still blames me for everything and he does have problems too and at first admitted it and now tells me it's me making him think that. It hurts but I don't feel alone now. I know there are others out there just like me. I praise you for this!

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I am so happy you put this into words.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I only know to say thank you. Im bpd and had no way of explaining to my husband other than im fn crazy. And now I know yes, I am crazy but no im not alone. All I could do is cry and read because IT IS ME! I am going to read it to him tonight. And again thank you so much!

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      catsimmons 4 years ago

      Thanks for sharing this, and all you've gone through to help yourself...it's an inspiration!

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      MarkJustice 4 years ago

      I once dated a girl with all (or most) of these symptoms. It was baffling, but I knew even then that it wasn't her fault.

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      JackNimble 4 years ago

      You are very brave to share this. Thank you for educating me about BPD.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      You described everything inside me. I have isolated myself from everyone I knew to maintain a feeling of control. I have a daughter that I have trained myself never to get angry at, which is both good and bad. She is the only reason I still exist.

      Thank you for sharing this. I've been hiding from all my labels lately, I am on lots of meds, but the emptiness never leaves. I am only in a good mood...maybe once a week, if that. The rest is just a mask.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      If it was me writing this it would be the same, i feel happy seeing for the first time someone like me... I'm not alone, great feeling.

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      Sidewinder6661 LM 4 years ago

      I admire you so much for sharing your story here. I have a friend who has BPD, and she's told me that she thinks I may have it because I exhibit a lot of the symptoms. I've always just denied it and said there's nothing wrong, but reading through this, I can relate to a lot of it. I took the BPD test you put up there and scored 25, which strongly suggests that I may have BPD. It's opened my eyes a lot to the possibility that I may have this illness, so I may book an appointment to see my doctor. Again, thank you for being brave enough to share your story.

    • Othercatt profile image
      Author

      Othercatt 4 years ago

      @anonymous: If you get the right books, they can help. But only if you commit yourself. At-home therapy gives you a larger responsibility than traditional therapy. You can't quit just because you see a little improvement. After all, if you see a little improvement in a short time span, think of how much improvement you can make with a long term commitment.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      This story is like reading my own personal life. I just came to know almost everyone goes through the same pain and problems that I do. Thank you for sharing and making me realise how to overcome it.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Thank you. I have BPD and nothing has worked. The doctor started me on Prozac in June after I destroyed my career. I have so much going on I would like to know if the books you recommended worked for you? I have tried books, workbooks therapists. As soon as I feel improvement I go black. I either am too tired to read and can not help but thinking how I just wasted money buying a book. I have spoke with five therapists over the years not one I made it past the third visit. I need help or even just writing and talking with someone that actually can relate may be beneficial to me.

      I am 26, I have had an eating disorder for seven years. I am narssactic and BP.

      I have been in too many unsuccessful relationships. Two years ago I drove my car off a cliff intoxicated. I lost my liscense and pride. I will be losing my teaching liscense soon.

      I want my life back. I met someone that I genuinely care about and I want to stop my disgusting patterns before I destroy this relationship also.

      Please help...comments/advice welcome

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      writerkath 4 years ago

      I'm so pleased that you wrote this. I won't go into specifics, but there is a person I will be showing this too, and this lens can help. Thank you. Squid Blessed.

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      Elyn MacInnis 4 years ago from Shanghai, China

      Your story is remarkable, and I can see how important it was to write about it. Look at all the replies you have! You have created a truly wonderful lens. Thank you so much. Angel blessings to you.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      trying to figure out what is going on with me, and finding this article was a huge help!! You have nailed all of my symptoms on the head, and i feel like i can finally start helping myself now that i know what i am feeling is not something insane and im not the only one!! Thank you so much for being brave an posting this!

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Thank you. It's nice to know I'm not the only person in the world who feels this way.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Thank you, thank you, thank you whoever you are. I have been diagnosed with everything from Anxiety disorder, to bulimia, to body dismorphic disorder, depression, etc. and this has opened my eyes to something that is all encompassing of everything I experience. My husband is both an antagonist and a non-believer in 'head issues' as he calls them, so I frequently am in an anxious or manic state. I had a cutting episode last night and when my husband caught me, my shame overwhelmed me. I feel like he's going to leave-like no one wants to put up with that type of 'crazy'. Your words have given me hope that maybe there is a way to break this exhausting and destructive cycle. You are so appreciated.

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      OMENA777 4 years ago

      You did a wonderful job on sharing your story on this lens. i work in the mental health field and I applaud you. You are a brave sool. :)

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I just read your description. Whoever you are, I love you. Thank you so much for opening yourself up and putting yourself out there. If you ever have another episode of thinking negative thoughts about yourself, please try to remember that there is someone out there who truly appreciates you, for your words have helped me tremendously!!

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      googletraffic 4 years ago

      Very useful information. We had to go through this in our family recently. It is a journey we all must make.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Thanks for sharing. That's really brave! I only was diagnosed a few months ago and it's the scariest thing I've ever dealt with. I just started DBT 2 months ago and have only been free of self-harm for just shy of 19 weeks. It's so painful and terrifying and grossly overwhelming, but honestly it's also comforting knowing I'm not the only one. I'm still learning about what this disorder means. Reading this, a lot of things just made sense. I hope things can continue to get better for you and that you get through this. You're a beautiful soul. I can see it from your writing.

      XO, Stephanie

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      Carolan Ross 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      wonderfully written perspective about borderline personality disorder! I'd love to learn more about ways to respond for those who have a loved one with BPD

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      youndyd lm 4 years ago

      Thanks for such an informational and insightful lens.

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      Sharon Bellissimo 4 years ago from Toronto, Ontario, Canada

      You are amazing. Simple truth. Life is hard enough without having to deal with all this emotional pain and instability. Thank you so much for writing this lens. You are truly an inspiration! There is bipolar disorder in my immediate family, it is helpful to know that you can overcome your issues without the use of medication which as you said only treats the symptoms and not the underlying causes. The mind can heal itself or at least learn to manage. Good for you.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I don't know you, but i feel like i do. My name is Emily I am 17 and suffering from this and bi polar disorder. I was recently diagnosed this year. I have been struggling to find ways to deal with this. I came across this article by searching for something completely irrelevant. I just wanted to say; Thank you. I actually cried reading this because i finally found someone who knows exactly how i feel. Every little detail. I can finally move on with helping myself knowing im not alone. Thank you so much.

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      RichLeighHD 4 years ago

      Really interesting lens. I've certainly not suffered like you have, but there have been times in my life where I've had to deal with depression so I can definitely relate to some of what you've written here such as the issues of emptiness. I also found it interesting where you explained at the end why it was all in black and white.... It hadn't even twigged to me that this was the reason behind this until you pointed it out. A very personal lens and I'm glad that you decided to share your story. I don't know if I'd ever be brave enough to, myself.

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      whiteskyline lm 4 years ago

      Great information with a very complex problem that I have dealt with in my life first-hand.

      This can help lots of people :)

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      Paul 4 years ago from Liverpool, England

      I was sure I'd Blessed this amazing page - must have expired,

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      MarkSierra 4 years ago

      What an incredible journey you've led. And what courage it must have taken to have opened yourself up like this. Your experiences have given me something to think about as I view my own. Thank you for sharing.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @Othercatt: what herbal supplements have you taken? I am looking for help, as well. Thanks,

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Its taken me 39 years to find that im not alone. Thank you, i felt like i was reading about me. Going to try to find some help now. Thank you.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      So, for the BPD loved one who blacks you out of their life in an instant over a truly insignificant matter, how in the world do you help them to change back to their loving self in a short amount of time? I can't find any articles to help with this aspect of the disorder. Some contend it can't be done; I refuse to believe there are not techniques that can help with this issue. I might add, however, that in this instance, the person has chosen to utilize the silent treatment, making communication extremely difficult. Any ideas or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      very good description of it. im 21 and have been struggling with BPD for years. ive recently started on DBT and CBT(cognitive behavioural theropy)

      My over reactions and paranoia have cost me many relationships, including most of my family. nobody understands and everyone judges me. i ve actually hurt one person so much she lost all faith in me as a person. she was very special to me and it cuts so deep. the thought of her has become a trigger for depresive moods now. i applaud you for your courage. i wish i could explain how im feeling to people, but its just so INTENSE i cant even put words on it... at least now i know i'm not alone.. thank you

    • FRANCOEUR profile image

      FRANCOEUR 4 years ago

      Very good lens and so much courage expressing your condition!

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I wish I knew you personally I am 40 years old and I have been in counseling for years. This is exactly how I feel . I am so embarrassed to tell anyone, the courage it took for you to write this down even just for other people to read is amazingly brave. I do feel so alone I have had some major medical problems all due to this dr doing uneeded surgery on me. I am one of the "victims"of this transvaginal mesh crap that makes you extremely sick. Anyway I wish there was a way I could stop feeling this way. I haven't hurt myself ever but thought of it ALOT. It would be nice to talk to someone that seems a lot like me. It's hard for my husband to understand also and I have 4 children ages 24, 17, 14, 13. Life is really hard for me sometimes I just want to die. Then other days it's ok. It's gotten really bad since all these surgeries 1 initial surgery and then 6 and going to fix what he has done and the mesh manufacturers. Anyway thanks for your sharing. You will be in my thoughts.

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      tazia-koheleth 4 years ago

      OMG... I found this semi-randomly & I wish I could just hug you cuz you have described this condition so perfectly! I posted it on my FB wall so that if there are any of my friends who quietly and bravely struggle thru this madness (like I have nearly my entire life), will feel encouraged & inspired by your incredible journey! Thank you sooo much for writing this! I want to copy and paste this and send it to my general doctor & see if he can refer me to any services that he or any of his colleagues can provide. Again, thank you... and may your Higher Power of choice bless you infinitely for the courage you have shown in this article. <3 *hugz* =)

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I am not afraid of the word crazy, I just want to know what is wrong and how to fix it. People keep SAYING I have no reason to be sad which makes me sop angry because I am. I am tired of this mask so tired....I am not happy but God keeps me here and I don't know why. I don't know why I am here or what I am supposed to do. I need to relax and sleep and want someone to take care of me but I am a workaholic so I can continue to be independent and not have to depend on people when they irritate me and I need to be alone again. I just do not know what to do my anger outbursts are daily multiple times, and the more I hold it in the more my stomach hurts. It hurts and I am still angry because I do not know why I can not just get over it! I am going to sleep now...I am so tired and have been crying because I am angry and cannot act out in the way that I would like to because these people around me (family) would not understand and will say I am over-reacting which will make me scream!

      Thank you for sharing your story. I have work to do.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Great article! I was recently diagnosed with bpd and evrything you talked was so simliar to what Ive been through. Thank you so much, i understand so much better now :))

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Ok, so I put a comment before watching that video and I don't think i got it quite that bad, feel bad about myself for commenting now. Still any help would be appreciated. Maybe there are lesser forms of BPD? Big respect to the video though, the end is so right. I feel very down sometimes, but not more than when i am happy i don't think. People who go through this need to be really proud with themselves, the fact that you are handling it means you have the biggest hearts and that you care about the ones you love so much, think about it :)

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Im 20 years old and I feel that I have been getting some of these symptoms, never harming myself but often the paranoid ones in particular thinking people are talking about me if i can't hear them, for quite some time. I get anxious about what to talk about in conversation sometimes and i spend a lot of time thinking about the same thing over and over, for example sometimes the day after being out with friends I will think of something that happened where maybe i seemed stupid, I will think that maybe my friends think i am stupid, I will think about this so much it becomes a huge deal to me but then when I have the courage to confront a friend about this, usually when i am drunk, they don't even remember it and are confused as to why i am even bringing it up. Recently i have flipped out on my father and got very down about it afterwards, feeling that i was a bad person with a crappy personality, when really I know that i am a good person. I am feeling confused and keep thinking that there is something wrong with me mentally. Just the fact that i think that i think this surely means there is? I have been looking on the web a lot and i think maybe i suffer with borderline. But i don't get all of those symptoms. Can you relate to any of my feelings? Has anyone who knows they have borderline had these feelings? Anyone please help, would be appreciated to get rid of my confusion!

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Thank you for writing this article. I was diagnosed with BPD in July by a clinical psychologist after attending a Psychiatrist for 14 mths. I really hoped being given a label would help me come to terms with why I am the way I am! Unfortunetely it hasn't! I just seem to be getting conflicting information from the health system and to be honest I feel like my consultant psychiatrist is not really that interested because he like so mant psychiatrists does not view BPD as a psychiatrict illness!!! I don't mean to bring anyone down but I have been going through a depressive episode for the last couple of months as i had to disclose some very distressing information to a psychologist during my assessment stage for my diagnosis and since then i feel completely alienated from the medical professionals because they are not willing to treat me for depression???

      Either way like so many BPD sufferers I will struggle on. I thought my life could not get any tougher but my mother died very suddendly and I found her and if im quite honest I think I have PTS disorder but I wouldn't dare tell any doctor about this for fear of being ridiculed.

      However when i found your article at first I was somewhat bemused thinking here we go again, but honestly you have made so much sense of the pain and hurt i feel inside and the uncontrollable fear of not being in control. Thank you sincerely for your honesty and thank you for removing your mask and letting people see how complex this condition really is. People will always judge us because we are different but at least we can we understand who we are.

      P.S. The video attached has made more sense to me than any doctor could.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      thankyou so much for this its made me feel as though i am not the only one suffering i was discovered to have BPD a year ago i never understood the way i was with the people around me i have been struggling for a very long time and i have lost many friends and relationships because of it i met a wonderful lady 3 years ago who is now my wife i love and adore and i don't want to lose she tries to understand but its so hard for her i don't want to be like this its not fair on her to the point where i have thought of leaving her so she can be happy i don't want to hurt her and it scares me that one day i might when i cannot control how i feel through the course of a day but when i am like you maniac its amazing but when i am struggling i want to kill myself they say i have had this since i was a child i never understood why i was like this i hate myself sometimes i am looking for stuff so i can better understand and help my wife too i have printed things for her today to read the thing is she wants to understand she is so special i dont want her to start hating me like all the rest i never knew or even looked to see if there where other people with BPD so thankyou this has me and my wife so much

    • casquid profile image

      casquid 4 years ago

      Well done!

    • MizzMary profile image

      MizzMary 4 years ago

      It's one thing to read a clinical description of a disorder written by a doctor and quite another to read the true experiences of a person. I sincerely admire your openness and honesty here and your dignity and courage shines through in every single word. Congratulations on this fine piece of writing!

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Thank you for sharing this. Sharing stories, and speaking the truth is healing the world. I know how hard it is to share, with the fear of being judged looming over you. I recently discovered that I"m BPD also, or was... It's absolutely possible to get better. I was F***ED UP! and now I'm calmer, in control, and working on my self esteem. Meditation helped a lot. Unfortunately I'm still living in the abusive situation that bred my disorder. 2 NPD parents who constantly manipulate me, psychologically, and emotionally abuse me. Now that I understand what's been going on, I am moving mountains to get out. ...You are not alone.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      @carolinarobin: Try a book called Stop Walking on Egg shells for friends and family of BPD's.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      oh WOW!!! This has helped me sooo much.. I was looking for something to explain to me why my marrige is failing is I do everything but I was still feeling empty. Now I know why. thanks alot. I'd gladly recommend this article to others.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      OH my god.. this is like ME as in me.. I discovered this page because i was looking for an article or anything in the net that can explain to me what am i feeling. I thought it was just mood swings, but mood swings don't last a week right? so i guess it is something more. Then I saw this page and every thing you said (except for cutting part, i hate pain) is really me. I am glad that some people understand

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      This a small thing, stupid I guess - My cat died. I had stolen him from people down the street who maltreated him. I knew he was ill and kept hoping he would suddenly get better. I can write about him even as he slept in my arms while he was put to sleep, I can say it. I loved him I always said I'd be devastated when he dies, But, I can't cry i try to think on it, but as soon as a memory pops up I seem to block it even if I am falling asleep. Everyday since I have had all the symptoms of a heart attack ( except it's on the wrong side of my body) my throat seem to have a permanent lump[ and my voice has become hoarse. But, I haven't cried. I am in physical pain I never had it like this before, An example, I saw a documentary 3 years ago that made me cry so hard I got a migraine - plus I am unable to eat meat. to this day. I loved that cat, because he loved me. Why can't I cry?

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      amkatee 4 years ago

      Excellent information here. I can relate to some of what you wrote. I come from dysfunctional family. Both my parents were abusive. My mom has traits of Hystrionic Personality, and my sister is full blown Hystrionic. I haven't shared lately on the forum. I've been down a lot. My life was threatened by my brother in law due to my sister blowing up over something that happened 30 years ago. I'm working on boundaries right now.

      But I have to say that from 18 to mid 20's I did everything to push people away. Scream, cry, bang my head on the wall, whatever outrageous thing I could do I did to see how far I could go before they would leave. And it worked, people left. My husband did not give up on me and recognized what I was doing. I've healed and grown and it's been a long journey from all the hurt, but I still feel a sadness because of how my family continues to be. It's hard dealing with them now and I have to shield my children now from the dysfunction.

      Thank you for sharing. I respect that you put it out there like that.

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      ohcaroline 4 years ago

      In spite of all these symptoms and situations you go through...you are an incredibly sensitive, successful person. Kudos for you and I hope you are able to one day break free of these things once and for all.

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      Rose Jones 4 years ago

      Back to read this excellent lens again, and to tweet it so that others can maybe get help. I just don't really know what the difference is between bipolar and borderline personality disorder.

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      KellyMediaBest LM 4 years ago

      Its very brave of you to share all of this raw and open material with people, and just by posting this you don't know who's lives you have touched or helped. Although I don't have the disorder, I can understand some of the feelings you described. I often feel like people say things or do things to get a certain reaction out of me or to make me feel a certain way. Maybe it is because I am a very perceptive and pensive person, so I am aware of every single decision I make and how it will affect those around me and make them feel. It sounds like reverting back to what happened to "make" you this way is the only cure. I pray that you find peace and get to live a happy life.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Three very, very important things to remember: Firstly, BPD is often the result of severe trauma experienced in childhood - I was unfortunate enough to experience severe emotional and sexual abuse, along with peripheral physical abuse. To me, to be honest BPD`s symptoms are the attempts by an individual who is a survivor, someone who has not received the education, love and tools to live productively in society to rub alongside those who were fortunate enough to grow up in a loving and nurturing environment. In my humble opine to call it a `disorder` is an insult to the extraordinary survival instinct some individuals like myself who are abuse victims possess; to try to fit in in a world where one has not known love, nurturing etc.

      Secondly there is still the mental health / human obsession with labelling and putting people in boxes; the brain is the most complex organ we possess, and let us not forget that up until 50ish years ago people who were deemed to be mentally ill were still be locked up with the key thrown away - no rehabilitation. The mental health profession`s aim even in this day and age is to ensure the patient does not cause harm to himself or anyone else; quality of life unfortunately does not come into it - `survive not thrive` as I like to put it.

      Thirdly: I have come to realise, way later than I should have, that yes, people like ourselves are incredible, amazing, human beings; with the strength of ulysees and an empathy and ability to create rapport with other vulnerable individuals that few around us can understand or even begin to appreciate. I feel, as it stands, that I will never find happiness. Because of the abuse I have suffered, I am not sure I can have children. My relationships ultimately fail and are disastrous. However, I do know this - that the suffering I have endured I only have because I know that no one else around me would have the strength to cope with everything that has happened to me in my life. I have stopped being hard on myself; started to realise just how incredible my achievements in life are. But of course there is the odd moment when I think what I could have been.........all my gifts x We are not people branded with a `disorder`, we are not `dysfunctional`. We are survivors, and battling soldiers, and we and those around us need to remember and understand that xxxxxxx

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      Frankie Kangas 4 years ago from California

      It was refreshing to read this wonderful lens. Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty. I appreciate the courage and the effort it must have taken to write this lens. I had never known what BPD was nor what the symtoms were and feel I learned a lot. Thank you again for creating this lens. I'm sure it will help both people with BPD and people who love them. Blessed. Bear hugs, Frankie

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      I drank in your words as someone who has so long been deprived of water, as if I was about to die of thirst and your words were like life. Thank you for this site and your honesty. The triggers did set me off emotionally, but it is so refreshing to read your honesty, and I am encouraged by it. Your site has touched me most of all I have read on BPD. It is all too familiar to me, the cutting, wanting so badly to die everyday, fearing everyone, those who love you beyond those who don't.Thank you sooooooooo much! I hope you find the love in yourself,for yourself to quiet the storm.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      So, my two therapists along w/ my Psychiatrist are trying to decide if I have BPD or not. We're kind of disagreeing on some stuff, but really it's because I'm so scared of being shunned by people if I'm labeled as having a personality disorder. Since I'm a psych major , I was able to confirm what I've suspected for years (that I have BPD) before anyone tried to label me. However, I've been trying to get them to not label me by creating silly arguments against the criteria. I know I need help. Really, I do. And I want help. I'm sick of the suicidal thoughts that I have to deal with all the freaking time. And on top of that, my treatment team says I'm bipolar. They can't agree on a type. My problems really started when I entered college. It was like "bang." I got so depressed & even my hypomanic/manic bipolar highs don't last long enough to offer any real reprieve from the core feelings of being worthless & unable to survive w/out relying on others. The cutting....I have to stop doing it. I know. I'm basically at a point where either I get the right help & come out of denial, or I end up having a complete meltdown & being admitted to a psych ward. I am so close to having that happen. Anyway, your page here is by far the best description of BPD I've read. Might I add that it sounds like you ALSO have Bipolar Disorder due to the manic highs which are not a part of BPD. It's confusing & scary to have both. I often don't know which disorder is causing me to behave a certain way at any given moment. All I know is that my insistence in therapy sessions that I don't have anger problems was obliterated by a screaming match that I started with my parents today (I moved back home when I had my first meltdown at the age of 19 shortly after moving away to college).

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Thank you for posting this info and vid. My gf is suffering through this and it really helps understand what she is feeling and going through. You can try to be as supportive as you can but sometimes we forget the intensity of what someone with BPD is going through...so thank you

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      team-sports-fan 4 years ago

      Thanks for this. I experienced this with my ex. It was good when I was able to understand what was going on.

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      HalloweenRecipes 4 years ago

      You have touched me so deeply with your honesty and your trust. You are a truly remarkable and brave women. I can't thank you enough for sharing all this wonderful information.

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Thank You so much for writing this article. It's like I was reading about me and my life. I was recently diagnosed with BPD. This really helped a lot. Thank You so much. It's so surreal to read what I've been thinking and feeling for so long.

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      Onemargaret LM 4 years ago

      Good job with this lens! I am totally impressed! This is a very serious condition.

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      DMVAgent 4 years ago

      I have a degree in Psychology and what is written in the book could be different from real-life experiences. I myself got some problems to deal with. And the best thing that could teach us how to help others is to gain insights from our own experience and the experience of other people.

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      Iwant to thank the person who wrote this for being brave enough to talk about the disorder

      you've help me pinpoint the exact things ive been going through

      and i now see there can be hope for me maybe .thank so you for helping me see i can start my road to recovery.

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      RuralFloridaLiving 5 years ago

      Interesting article. I learned a lot here. Wish you all the best.

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      AlleyCatLane 5 years ago

      You are incredibly brave to share such intimate and personal details of yourself. This article will be a great help to others experiencing the same things. I know how difficult it can be for someone with mental health issues like this. I have a close family member who is bipolar and her life has been one constant struggle even with medication. It's hard for others to understand when she is so intelligent and attractive why she gets into such states and messes. I hope you will continue to improve and find relief from these horrible symptoms. Bless you and your saint of a husband. Blessed!

    • Phoenix2361 profile image

      Phoenix2361 5 years ago

      This lens is amazing. I don't think I have the words to explain how profound it is.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Thanks for sharing your personal and helpful lens.

      I remember doing a BPD test online. Then I pushed the laptop over to my wife and asked her to answer it for me, to see check if my scores were accurate. she looked through the questions and said, "All of them are you. This is exactly what you do. What is this?"

      Maybe I'll do a lens with my own journey one day. I'm quite a lot better now.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Great lens and courageous too. I have not been officially diagnosed but I suspect I have this. My therapist thinks it's PTSD. But I think its BPD with PTSD since I've just been through a devastating life event. The depression has been lower than ever. I've been looking for books and things to help, so thanks for the recommendation of Angry Heart. Will def. check that out.

      Your explanation of cutting and the reasons was enlightening as well. I never thought it was for attention. But I never realized it was to release the pressure of anger. Makes sense. Congrats on your 3 years. It's quite an accomplishment.

    • victoriuh profile image

      victoriuh 5 years ago

      Stopping back by to bless this lens.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      you are completely amazing, helped me so much, i've been feeling so down in the darks, i hate my dark side, i want to strangle it sometimes. i don't feel like anyone will ever love me, how do they? i don't even love myself. i feel like i've sipped coffee with god, smoked a joint with the devil. after being on opposing sides i still can't meet myself in the middle. your article has made me feel less alone, and i thank you for that. bless you <3

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      @Othercatt: It sound like you could have both Bi-polar & BPD,I suffer from BPD & hardly ever get any mania,if i'm lucky I will get it for 2hrs max as a sort of random high with no cause,but I still need to sleep & eat...

      Thanks for posting anyway =) Hope you have recovered since when you posted this.Best of luck ;-)

    • AlwaysCurious LM profile image

      Ashley 5 years ago from St. Louis

      I just wanted to say congrats on not cutting in 3 years. That's a HUGE accomplishment. You've obviously worked really hard and it's paying off! I also love the McKay book. It has great exercises and really breaks things down.

    • chas65 profile image

      chas65 5 years ago

      Having lost 14 year old grandson and another young friend to suicide, I understand the pain others go through. After ring this very personal lens, I can see many of these traits in the friend.

      Thanks for sharing such a personal subject. I have contemplated sharing the story of my grandson, because teenage suicide is more common thsn people realize If it would help just one person to not have to go through that pain it would be worthwhile. Thanks again .

    • profile image

      BarbaraCasey 5 years ago

      Very informative and compelling lens. Helps me understand a couple of friends better. Thanks.

    • carolinarobin profile image

      carolinarobin 5 years ago

      I have a friend who is a BP. We have had many ups and downs, but I remain her friend and this lens would have been so very helpful had I found it earlier. I will share it with her, thank you! A lens on dealing or living with a BP would be a good one too! I really thought she was off her rocker until I researched this. Now I understand her and can be supportive so much better.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Thank you. I didn't realize that this was real. The first time I heard of it was when my doctor referred me to a psychiatrist and he diagnosed me with it. I thought he was just trying to say I had something and put me on medication so he could keep me coming back for more money. Thank you so much for putting the symptoms in terms that I can understand. I'm going to have a talk with my doctor at my next appointment. God bless you.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      i haven't red the hole thing yet im at the cutting point, i have bipolar i got off my pills because i want to learn how to live without them and i haven't cut in 3 years also my last one was really deep and i didn't go to the hospitle because i didn't want too get back on pills :) you go girl, aww your husband loves you.. <3 i hope i find that type of love someday

    • Virginia Allum LM profile image

      Virginia Allum LM 5 years ago

      I also salute you for sharing what is a difficult thing to describe to people who have never suffered from it. I am a nurse who tries to 'walk in the shoes' of any people I nurse but sometimes it's hard - I just never say 'I know how you must feel' because I don't. Your lens has brought me closer to understanding if not feeling

    • profile image

      SteveKaye 5 years ago

      I truly admire your courage for writing this. I hope it serves to show others that there are solutions, as well as the need for compassion. Thank you for publishing this lens.

    • WriterJanis2 profile image

      WriterJanis2 5 years ago

      So kind of you to share this in an effort to help others.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      wow i don't remember why i am here on this site right now. but i thought i had overcome my problems. buy now everything makes sense again. today i got into those self talking situations again.. again and again forming negative thoughts and emltions. mostly from the past. which i never really overcame, even tho i tried hard with a bit of therapy bit of medicine .... and and and. the only thing that woul help would be to kill the persons who made me that way. god that sucks. nobody knows in my life how mad i really am lol, except for my best friend maybe, i have to control myself a lot to work in the dayly routine. good luck to anyone with borderline. and try to get as much help as possible. u can push it away for some time like i do. but some situation is going to bring it back. and u know it! cheers

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      I am so happy that you are brave enough to write your story on BLD. I have a

      sister who is very mean she says things that are worse then mean they are almost damaging. And she also just makes things up and she is so good at it I wonder all night thinking about what did I do wrong? I had a feeling she may

      be Borderline. I thank you so much now I understand you have given me some peace of mind. I hope today you don't feel useless because you really made a difference in my life. I also noticed if she hangs arounnd me she starts to talk like me and picking up my expressions is this also Borderline?

      Thanks you so very much.

      Kim

    • profile image

      aquarian_insight 5 years ago

      My sister has BPD so I have seen every symptom you outlined in her. At the moment she is going through a depressive suicidal stage. You are absolutely amazing for writing this lens. *blessed*

    • Mandy Stradley profile image

      Mandy Stradley 5 years ago

      Thank you for sharing. I wish you the best in healing!

    • profile image

      crabbypatty28 5 years ago

      wow its like reading my life story...good job.

    • MaryThereseBenn profile image

      MaryThereseBenn 5 years ago

      Thank-you for being so brave to write this lens. I still don't really understand BPD, but I'm at least getting an idea of it. Good luck to you, and congratualtions on the great strides you've made so far!

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      @anonymous: Do you have a yahoo answers account???

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Outstanding, I couldn't have written it any better. Especially if I was in a good place, and not right in the middle of my three weeks of emptiness. Thank you for making sense out of BPD, I keep forgetting, and have to continually keep relearn the lessons.

    • Millionairemomma profile image

      Millionairemomma 5 years ago

      I admire your ability to open up about something so personal! Now that I have watched the video you posted and read your in-depth lens, I'm more aware of what this is like. Thanks so much for sharing.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Thank you for sharing and it does take a lot to express how mental illness effects us because of the stigmas we get from everyone ,Your brave for sharing this and its so spot on .

      i also have bpd , as well as bi polar , dissocitive disorder . argorraphobia and anxiety some days i just wanna love everyone and everything and some days i can go weeks without speaking to a single person completely shut off from the world nothing makes me feel anything only cutting im on meds for most of my issues but they tend to make me a zombie i have an amazing husband who stays even though somedays i hate him for no reason at all the next i coulnt love him more its liike a rollercoaster but its mine and im trying to make the best of it

    • Othercatt profile image
      Author

      Othercatt 5 years ago

      @cgbroome: I can understand her not believing her diagnosis. It took me 3 years to face my own and that was only after my symptoms spiraled out of control. It's easier to blame others than to face that we must change our every feeling and our every thought. Believe me. She knows something is wrong with herself. She probably knew it for years before her diagnosis. She just doesn't want to face it. It sounds to me like your daughter needs to be in an intensive therapy program, like inpatient therapy. I'm surprised her psychiatrist hasn't recommended it already. I'm not sure you and your husband can do anything to help her besides trying to find her the right treatment.

      One more thing. Borderlines have an uncanny ability to sense other peoples feelings and from that, predict their reactions. That's what makes us so great at manipulation. If you switch up your actions and reactions to her, it will make it harder for her to manipulate you.

    • cgbroome profile image

      cgbroome 5 years ago

      Thank you so much for your article. My stepdaughter was diagnosed with BPD 3 years ago, although her symptoms go back 5 to 6 years. She was actually diagnosed as being paranoid, bi-polar and BPD. We were told that BPD is the current politically correct phrase for sociopath. It has been a huge struggle living with her problems as she can be sweet and loving one minute and the next she's screaming at you, saying she is going to kill you, physically and emotionally hurts you and seems to get a "rush" out of causing that pain. She shows absolutely no compassion and has no conscious when she strikes out. She is also a fantastic manipulator and for many years had her psychiatrists and therapists fooled into believing she was a victim of abuse. She has accused nearly everyone in her life of abusing her from her father and myself, her siblings, teachers, church leaders, you name it. Now that her psychiatrist and therapists have finally gotten to know her, she has begun accusing them of abusing her. It's a vicious cycle. We, my husband and I, try so hard to understand her and help her - we love her despite everything - but she in turn hates us. She's very open about her hatred. This all started when she was 15 and she will be turning 21 this month. In that time her symptoms have gotten progressively worse to the point that her psychiatrist and therapist told my husband and I to make certain we lock our bedroom door at night because, and this is their words, "she is the type of person you hear about on TV who kills their parents." Not very comforting. She does cut herself only she then calls the police and tells them they are attacks of abuse. Your article helps give a little insight into her own thought processes but how do you help someone like her when she fully believes that there is nothing wrong with her - it's everyone else doing things to her? How long did it take you to get a grasp on what was happening to you and then realizing it was you who needed to work on you? Our daughter is always so unhappy and she believes that unhappiness is due to what others are "doing" to her when, in truth, it is what she is doing to herself and others. How do we help her find positive behaviors? It's a struggle every day. We want her to be happy. We want her to have a normal life. Are we just spinning our wheels?

    • Othercatt profile image
      Author

      Othercatt 5 years ago

      @anonymous: Unfortunately, it's about impossible for a Borderline to hide our anger. The best solution I've come up with is to either leave the room or tell the other person to leave the room. I'm so sorry your daughter had to see that, but don't dwell on it. Children are resilient!

    • Othercatt profile image
      Author

      Othercatt 5 years ago

      @anonymous: I always feel like I'm living a lie. I don't know how to react like a normal person. I've even went so far as to read books about how normal people interact.

      If you want to stop feeling that way, be open about your diagnosis. I tell everyone about my BPD and I explain what that means. Then I don't have to worry about appearing normal I don't have to fake it. Sure, I've lost a few friends along the way. But the ones that stay are treasured because I know they love me for the real me.

    • Othercatt profile image
      Author

      Othercatt 5 years ago

      @anonymous: It sounds like, for whatever reason, this person has decided you're bad. Don't take it personally. It's just part of black and white thinking. If this person truly isn't doing anything to improve their symptoms, I would stay as far away from them as possible. When a borderline thinks someone is bad and they have to be near them, sometimes we think that person needs to be punished. And I'm not just talking physically. This person might try to mess with your head and with certain aspects of your life. I would steer clear because there's nothing you can do to change their mind about you. Just focus on yourself and try not to worry because that's probably exactly what the Borderline wants you to do.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Reading your article has helped shift my view of a person suffering with Borderline Personality disorder. I have a question for you. I have a few people in my life who suffer from BPD, one of them is a parent who like you, is working on improving their symptoms and the other is a person I met in daily life. To make this clear as possible, this person is someone I met in a half-way house for mental health and chemical dependency. So I didn't have a choice, this person was in my life regardless of how I felt about it. This person doesn't like me, really doesn't like me and I don't know why. So I've been avoiding that person but I'm actually at a place where I have no clue what this person is capable of and it scares me. I'm also trying to recover from my own issues, PTSD and addiction. My question to you is, how do I keep myself emotionally and physically safe from a BPD who chooses not to help themselves and is not recovering? I'm frustrated because I have no idea what to expect and I don't want to hurt this person, that's the last thing I want to do but I have no idea how to even distance myself safely.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      I was originally diagnosed with BPD, then my diagnoses was changed to Bi Polar. I have never thought I had Bi Polar the symptoms don't fit. I'm so glad to have seen your page. You have been through most of the same things I've gone through. I'd love to talk more with you.When I get anxiety I think there are bugs on me or around me. Yes that sounds stupid now but like you said when it is going on it is very real. Question if you don't mind, do you have periods of what I call normalcy? I feel like I'm always living a lie and I'm going to get found out. Do you ever feel that way? I make friends easy but I always feel that if they got to know anything about me they wouldn't like me. It's usually true too.

      Reading what you have gone through has validated a lot of the way I feel. Thank you for being open and honest. You have helped me.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      I learned so much from this lens. Thanks for your honesty and courage. Thanks for sharing this.

    • MelanieMurphyMyer profile image

      MelanieMurphyMyer 5 years ago

      Thank you so much for sharing so honestly and bravely. Very helpful and hopeful!

    • profile image

      enjoyecigs 5 years ago

      amazing, amazing lens. it's exactly how i feel at any given time. it really is a struggle every day.

    • Spiderlily321 profile image

      Spiderlily321 5 years ago

      This is an amazing lens! You are such a great writer. I am happy that you wrote this and that you are trying to get better. This lens has some really good information and will let many other people with BPD know that they are not alone and there is help out there. Thank you so much for sharing this.

    • cynthiannleighton profile image

      cynthiannleighton 5 years ago

      Wandering through the top 40... you're at spot 3. Peeking at this lens I can tell why! You are very good at sharing and writing. Blessings on your journey!

    • KReneeC profile image

      KReneeC 5 years ago

      Wonderful lens! Thank you so much for sharing the great information.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Just threw something across the rooom and scared my daughter:( I have never hurt her but she saw my anger and it scared her. I have BPD and I am doing all I can to not raise my daughter to have it. Thank you for a wonderful article.

    • JoyfulReviewer profile image

      JoyfulReviewer 5 years ago

      Thank you for sharing your story and for explaining BPD so well. ~~Blessed~~

    • Angelina Gherna profile image

      Angelina 5 years ago from California

      very well done

    • Gypzeerose profile image

      Rose Jones 5 years ago

      Lovely lens - pinned to my psychology board so that hopefully more people can get this needed information.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Thank you so much for your openness. My husband's ex has BPD and it's been really difficult for us. She struggles with anger and she attacked him (strangling) which caused their break up. She insists it never happened and that he made it up and had her arrested for it. However, others (including his doctor) verified his injury and he was given free counselling and physio and massage as a result by the government. I'm curious if she really believes it never happened, or if she is blatantly lying. I have to deal with her regularly and one of my husband's fears is that one day she will attack me (she attacked him several times throughout their relationship but to a lesser extent). I don't know if it will help, but I would like to understand her better. It also concerns me because I love my stepson and although she is good to him now, I worry things will change as he ages and becomes more independent if she doesn't deal with this issue. How can we support her and maintain healthy boundaries? Can you recommend any resources?

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      I've never felt what i feel right now. Having been recently clinically diagnosed has made me feel afraid and alone, but finally finding this lens has opened up a lot for me. Thank you for sharing your stories, i plan on acquiring those books you linked to all of us, hopefully i can take the brave steps towards feeling less alone, and more normal.

    • DeniseDurham2011 profile image

      DeniseDurham2011 5 years ago

      You are very brave. Thank you for this lens.

    • Elric22 profile image

      Elric22 5 years ago

      Thank you for sharing your battle with us. I'm sure more than one person has found solace for themselves or a loved through your efforts, and so you have done a great service here.

    • Othercatt profile image
      Author

      Othercatt 5 years ago

      @CrossCreations: That acting out gets us every time. All I can say is if you love the person with BPD, please have patience with them.

    • CrossCreations profile image

      Carolan Ross 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      WOW! Just watched that video and it is amazingly well done! BPD is so complicated, every time I read about it I learn more and yet still don't 'get it' entirely since those who are afflicted might have very different symptoms... I had a hard time being very compassionate about it when I first learned of it because I victim of much of the acting out behavior back then, so glad I found this page today, excellent perspective!

    • profile image

      inkserotica 5 years ago

      I want to say that you are very brave to publish this lens about BPD. I am also a sufferer along with many other mental health problems. However, I tend to keep the BPD diagnosis to myself and those who are exceptionally close to me (i.e. those who understand the condition and those who don't judge.

      I have tweeted you BPD articles that you wrote on Weebly and I wish you all the best for the future. Blessed!

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      hey thank you sooooooooooo much for writing this, and good for you for being so brave. if i could give you a big warm hug i surely would. i was diagnosed with BPD also, and have fought the diagnosis tooth and nail. i don't want it, i hate it, and i hate how it keeps me from functioning at my highest and achieving and feeling great about myself in a REAL way. I have a wonderful partner with his own diagnoses of mental illness... he has done TONS of work to reorganize his own brain and he is a source of strength, support and advice... if only he could just climb into my head and fix it. anyway, thank you again!!!!

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      I admire you for putting your self out there it isn't an easy thing nothing in this surprised me as I work with people that have mental illness and I saw in one of the comments below the person that was wrongly diagnosed, probably because the symptoms of Bi Polar are similar to your own, the constant roller coaster with being manic to falling in a deep depression, and the rapid cycling, normally in the case of Bi Polar a mood stabiliser does help, but there are a lot of other natural medicines that they are finding helpful now like omega 3's. You sound like you are controlling it really well so keep going with what works for you.

    • profile image

      Joan4 5 years ago

      Absolutely amazing story - your honesty is touching! I enjoy you so much on Facebook and Squidoo and I am delighted to learn more about you! You are a survivor, a warrior! Thank you for sharing your story so openly!

    • ngio64 profile image

      ngio64 5 years ago

      What a wonderful thing you did by opening up yourself here. I blessed your lens. I wish I could triple bless it. I was once misdiagnosed as BPD but actually I am bipolar. I had suicidal ideation several times a day. I entered an intensive therapy called DBT or Dialectical Behavioural Therapy. It was lifechanging. I actually learned new coping skills. Most of the people in the group had BPD and it helped them to stop cutting. It is wonderful that you have been able to overcome the cutting for so long! I blessed your lens. DBT helped me with the black and white thinking, interpersonal relationships, crisis management and emotional regulation. I highly recommend it, if it is not offered near you, you can find a yahoo group that teaches the skills. Don't worry about approving this. I just wanted to give you this information. Best wishes

    • Zut Moon profile image

      Zut Moon 5 years ago

      Holy Smokes ... this is going to take a while to read so I am pinning this one as well. It takes strength to open up like this and help others. Well done.

    • Heather426 profile image

      Heather Burns 5 years ago from Wexford, Ireland

      What amazing courage you have to share such a personal account of borderline personality disorder. My son's ex-wife has it and I feel badly now that I could not really understand why she was cutting herself and how judgmental she seemed about everything. black and white thinking...I really tried to be her friend, but did not know how to cope. So I just kind of left the picture...now I feel like sending her your article.

    • Ramkitten2000 profile image

      Deb Kingsbury 5 years ago from Flagstaff, Arizona

      Wow, you've really shared so much of yourself and explained this all so well. I think most of us can relate to at least some degree of at least some of these things in our own lives, but I do know a few people I believe live with BPD, one of whom has said so actually. I found this fascinating. Thank you for sharing so much.

    • sousababy profile image

      sousababy 5 years ago

      Very well presented and personal. In some respects, seeing things in black and white IS beneficial - since each decision we make (and we make hundreds a day) either contributes to OR has a negative impact in this world - in some way, on some person or living being or our planet . . . doesn't it? Great lens, extremely helpful. Sincerely, Rose

    • Othercatt profile image
      Author

      Othercatt 5 years ago

      @anonymous: BPD is completely treatable! Don't let your therapist hold you back. I've done great managing my symptoms with the help of these books and by taking herbal supplements. I hope you find what works for you!

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Thank you for having the courage to share this and hopefully make our "craziness" more understandable to someone standing on the outside. Also for sharing the sources you have found for help. The therapist who diagnosed me with BPD (among other things) considered the BPD to be untreatable but offered me drugs for the other. This wasn't acceptable for me, and I've gone on to find other methods of coping. I will be checking out the books and methods you mention.

    • Othercatt profile image
      Author

      Othercatt 5 years ago

      @girlfriendfactory: I'm still working hard on my DBT. It's such a part of my routine now, I don't think I'll ever stop.

      I tell everyone in my BPD group that we are the strongest people alive. If normal people had to go through the thoughts and emotions we experience everyday, most wouldn't be able to handle it.

      Thanks for the blessing!

    • girlfriendfactory profile image

      girlfriendfactory 5 years ago

      I'm out searching for lenses to feature on my bipolar lens and came across your, Cat. What a moving tale you shared with us. I hope you have stuck with the DBT and are working hard everyday. I always say that only the toughest of us are saddled with these things because if they were easy then everyone would want to do it. ;) Duck ~ you've been given a Flyby Winging! ~Ren

    • XxSadieLadyxX profile image

      XxSadieLadyxX 5 years ago

      I have BPD too...I completely Relate

    • wheresthekarma profile image

      wheresthekarma 5 years ago

      THank you for writing this and helping me to understand how you feel. Hugs to you.

    • victoriuh profile image

      victoriuh 5 years ago

      I was searching Squidoo for cutting because I was thinking of doing a lens, not sure I was that brave, still not sure, but I appreciate your lens. I thought I might have bpd for a long time but my pdoc thinks I am bipolar. Whatever. Just help me.

    • Scarlettohairy profile image

      Peggy Hazelwood 5 years ago from Desert Southwest, U.S.A.

      You're brave for sharing your experiences with us. Thank you.

    • snazzify lm profile image

      Katie Harp 5 years ago

      blessed by a squid angel :) <3

    • debnet profile image

      Debbie 5 years ago from England

      Wow. I just read every word and watched the video. I think a line from the video sums it up ''Most people couldn't cope with this" (or something to that effect) You have shown through your words and honesty how strong you are. Congrats on your positive attitude and ability to self help. Your determination to overcome this shines through this page. Blessed by a squid Angel ;)

    • PearlHowie profile image

      PearlHowie 5 years ago

      I had never heard of this disorder before so want to thank you for writing this and also congratulate you on opening up and helping others by sharing your experience. It's very hard for anyone to be so honest, so well done.

    • adrianaheep lm profile image

      adrianaheep lm 5 years ago

      This is a great lens. I can understand how hard it must have been to write, because I feel uncomfortable with opening up about being bipolar. I can also relate to some of the symptoms you have had. I am happy for you that you are getting better. Keep up the good work =]

    • profile image

      fullofshoes 5 years ago

      This is a beautiful work of art. Someone very close to me suffers from BPD. I see her pain and feel yours. Thank for this share.

    • Othercatt profile image
      Author

      Othercatt 5 years ago

      @NicoleLynn711: Well, anytime you want to "talk", let me know.

    • NicoleLynn711 profile image

      Nicole 5 years ago from Bethel, CT

      @Othercatt: Your welcome and thank you for encouraging me :) Unfortunately, the family member has not been diagnosed and they are not open to outside help (therapy etc.). I however spent a lot of time at bpdfamily.com but it got emotionally draining so I have avoided it for some time...it is very helpful though! For now, I will be inspired by you until I am strong enough to write my own lens and share with the world! :)

    • Othercatt profile image
      Author

      Othercatt 5 years ago

      @NicoleLynn711: Thank you for your encouraging words. As a strong supporter of BPD awareness, I'd like to encourage you to write that lens. Perhaps your family member could join you in writing it. Every single article brings us that much closer to bringing awareness to society and achieving more acceptance in the psych medical field.

      If your family member ever wants someone to talk to, please direct them to my Facebook page. I'm part of a very helpful FB BPD support group and we always welcome new members.

    • NicoleLynn711 profile image

      Nicole 5 years ago from Bethel, CT

      I was shocked just now to see a lens on BPD. Most people aren't familiar with Borderline Personality Disorder. I would have loved to make a lens about BPD; however I fear my family member who has UBPD would discover it. It takes a very strong person to attend therapy/counseling and an even stronger person to face their demons and admit they need help. With that said, you are a very strong person :) Thank you for sharing!!!! xoxo

    • tdogart1 profile image

      tdogart1 5 years ago

      I'm very glad you published this...My son has had this disorder to. That's one of many things that motivates me. We're not the only ones that struggle with this. TY

    • profile image

      Jack-in-the-Box 5 years ago

      I know that was hard to write because it was hard to read. I am so sorry this has happened to you, but I am so proud of you for fighting hard for yourself and finding some peace. I pray you continue in your journey the way you are going and that someday you find true peace. Thank you so much for sharing your story and opening our eyes to things we don't know about. Great lens!

    • Paul Ward profile image

      Paul 5 years ago from Liverpool, England

      I first read this when I didn't have wings: now it gets a Blessing and that seems inadequate to reward the honesty and inspiration you're giving to readers.

    • Charlino99 profile image

      Tonie Cook 5 years ago from USA

      Thank you for sharing your experience. There are many people who have symptoms without ever knowing why they act and feel the way they do.

    • Othercatt profile image
      Author

      Othercatt 5 years ago

      @Joan Haines: The best thing you can do for your friend is to encourage her to get an actual diagnosis and no matter what the result, try to be understanding and patient.

    • Joan Haines profile image

      Joan Haines 5 years ago

      Someone I love may suffer with BPD. Many of the symptoms you describe here fit too well. I'm not sure how to help, other than being with her and listening.

    • profile image

      tcmbrendan 5 years ago

      Real fantastic information. Thanks for sharing.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Thank you for this informative lens. I'm sure it will help many people. I'm a former psychiatry resident and so many patients have been misdiagnosed. You are so courageous.

    • Nancy Hardin profile image

      Nancy Carol Brown Hardin 5 years ago from Las Vegas, NV

      I can see myself and my son in so many of these examples you've shown...not all of them apply, but a lot of them do. I admire your courage in making this lens, and thank you for sharing such important information.

    • David Dove profile image

      David Dove 5 years ago

      Excellent contribution, thank you for being so brave, will direct others to this as a "must read". David

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      I only happen to come across this. I would have to say I was brought to tears. It was almost like reading my life story. I am 24 with children and have been diagnosed with BPD. I have been dealing with it for a long time and cutting is my out. I have always hidden it though. I do not admit it to very many people. I have even tried several times to kill myself, but as you see it didn't work. Actually it was I was stopped by certain people and they don't even know they are the only reason I am still here. There are even days I feel like I am actually losing my mind and I am alone. It makes it worse because I know the way I feel is not true. I have plenty of people who care about me. I know this. Yet every day I still feel like I am alone and empty. Almost as if there is no reason I am even here. It is so conflicting some days the only way I feel better is when I cut. It is a relief for me. It lasts but not like it used to. I am now to a point I am beginning to worry about this aspect, because I have to do it more often/times to get the same relief. I want to say thank you for this. I know how hard it is to admit these things. Let alone on the internet. If more people knew how it really felt to live with this I think more people would understand how hard it really is. I could continue with things I deal with but I do not want to bore anyone with the minor details. I just wanted to thank you for an excellent portrayal of how BPD can be severe and difficult to handle.

    • Frischy profile image

      Frischy 5 years ago from Kentucky, USA

      Your lens does a good job of revealing what it feels like to have this complex and perplexing disorder. I am sure it will help many people. Thank you for your willingness to be open and vulnerable in order to help others. That is a rare and brave quality the world could sure use more of!

    • Othercatt profile image
      Author

      Othercatt 6 years ago

      @anonymous: Biffy, you're the reason I wrote this article. BPD seems like such a lonely condition. We all feel like we're so messed up that there just can't be any others suffering the same way, but there are. I'm glad you found your way here and I hope you continue getting better.

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      Babe, this video made me cry. I rarely cry. I suppress it.

      I have recently been diagnosed with BPD. Before that, it was MD and GAD and what seems like an eternal bout of PMS, truncated by comedy when I am with others, with me being the comedian. Wearing a mask, like you said.

      15 years of going through all that you described.

      I quit my job to save my life. If I didn't get help, I knew I would jump.

      100+ alprazolams didn't kill me. I still woke up. Even with alcohol.

      No one understood. And it gets really tiring to be called 'emo' or 'crazy' or 'scary' or 'fucked up'. People hire me because I appear intelligent and confident. But I have never held a job longer than six months in my life. I could never get up eventually.

      I am grateful to my doctor, the 8th I have seen. And the one who has helped me, finally, on the path to some modicum of hope.

      Totally understand every single slide.

      The most painful ones is withdrawing from people as one gets older.

      One cannot blame it on teenage madness anymore.

      And there is alot of shame.

      Because no one wants to be with a chick who is bonkers.

      I haven't had a relationship for three years.

      Because I don't think it will ever last and have found a way to be happy on my own.

      But it is really lonely.

      Sometimes scary.

      Sometimes I cry.

      But I don't do it around people.

      You are a heroine. And you are enormously courageous.

      This video sums it all up.

      And the sleeping. No one understands.

      To be conscious is the greatest pain.

      It is so numbing that being awake in itself causes exhaustion.

      Nonetheless, I have been fortunate.

      I started on agomelatine earlier this year and it helps me to get out of bed.

      So there is hope for returning to work.

      I could not keep a job because my mind wouldn't shut down at night.

      And then I'd get so empty after work, I would drink.

      And go to sleep at 4am only to wake suffering.

      Then I repeat.

      And then quit my job. Eventually.

      Suicide really seems logical.

      But I told myself a few years ago, if life means so little, I'll stick around and just see what happens. And not do all the things I hate.

      I got to your website when I wanted to find out which book was better - Marsha Linehan's or Matthew McKay's. But after seeing your post, I will get #1 and #2.

      Thanks, babe.

      Be strong. You have so much love to give.

      You just made one person feel less worthless.

      I have also signed up at bpdworld.org

      userid Biffy.

      B

    • Davidfstillwagon profile image

      Davidfstillwagon 6 years ago

      What a powerful lens!

      good work

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      This lens is absolutely amazing. I barely have words to describe how touched I am by what you've written. Some of the things you wrote about I can really relate to, and I truly appreciate you putting it all out there. "You are truly a strong, amazing, and beautiful soul."

    • profile image

      howtoburnbellyfat 6 years ago

      This is really helpful to those people who suffer BPD. I hope your lens will help them...

    • CarolynPile profile image

      CarolynPile 6 years ago

      I know it must have been really hard to write this lens. Thank you for having the courage to do it anyway. My heart goes out to you. <3

    • smithlights profile image

      smithlights 6 years ago

      Thanks for sharing your world with us. It takes a lot of courage! Well-written.

    • ForestBear LM profile image

      ForestBear LM 6 years ago

      Very informative, thank you for the lens!

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      You wrote about me. I too have BPD. I too an in DBT at the moment. Thank You for this :-)

    • Everyday-Miracles profile image

      Everyday-Miracles 6 years ago

      Thanks to your lens, I've been revisiting my own issues here. I don't know what to think about my own condition any more. I hate to think that this lens accurately describes me, but it... does. And I have an actual diagnosis of BPD as well, so I guess... That's my confession. It's been a really rough past month or so. I've not been in good shape. And it helps to tell somebody.

    • Pip Gerard profile image

      Pip Gerard 6 years ago

      very important information to share... thank you

    • thesuccess2 profile image

      thesuccess2 6 years ago

      Important and useful subject also visually stunning Lens.

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      Opening up and sharing your story to help others is caring and courageous, you have given important insight about borderline personality disorder symptoms (bpd) from a personal perspective. No judgments just appreciation and thanks for educating others. :))

    • profile image

      happynutritionist 6 years ago

      I just finished reading every word of this page...no judgment here...I'm so happy that you have had improvements in the past year and pray that you will continue to heal. I'm saying a prayer for you now....and here's a ((((hug))))

    • danzuc76 profile image

      danzuc76 6 years ago

      Youve made a really great lens with alot of information. Great content that will raise awareness. Lensrolled you.

    • SandyMertens profile image

      Sandy Mertens 6 years ago from Frozen Tundra

      Thanks for sharing this story and great information on this disorder.

    • profile image

      GetSillyProduct 6 years ago

      great lens for people trying to come to terms with this disorder, two thumbs up

    • ayngel boshemia profile image

      Ayngel Overson 6 years ago from Crestone, Co

      My step-daughter and I both have BPD and in my case it went much further. Combined with PTSD left untreated for most of a lifetime I went into adrenal fatigue for 22 years... then spent the last five years in exhaustion. By the time they finally figured out what was going on my body was shutting down. Stress kills...

      Take care of you and remember that is being normal is normal then why are there do few "normal" people in this world?

    • Everyday-Miracles profile image

      Everyday-Miracles 6 years ago

      Just watched the video, Cat. I could identify with a lot of it and honestly it gives me a better understanding of how one psychologist saw me this way, especially considering that he didn't identify my issues with anxiety and paranoia. If you take those out of the equation, you have BPD, really. But when you focus on the anxiety and the root cause of the paranoia (something I don't talk about -- ever) then my symptoms wind up having a totally different explanation (PTSD).

      Great addition to the lens!

    • linhah lm profile image

      Linda Hahn 6 years ago from California

      I admire your stance in going public. I know how difficult that was.

    • darciefrench lm profile image

      darciefrench lm 6 years ago

      I've been going through withdrawal from Cymbalta (it brought on a manic state) cold turkey after some of the side effects became unworkable. Talk about a roller coaster- thank God the thoughts are not real, just passing (at a dizzying rate, but anyway -:). Hope you have a great April Fool's Day! Squid angel blessed- life's a ride, that's for sure, guess we just 'keep on ridin' (or swimmin, as Dorry would say from Finding Nemo)-:)

    • profile image

      Leanne Chesser 6 years ago

      Blessed :).

    • religions7 profile image

      religions7 6 years ago

      Great explanation of BPD - and I'm amazed to learn that working through some books has helped you so much. Keep it up :)

    • oktalBlizzard profile image

      oktalBlizzard 6 years ago

      wow, this lens opened my eyes... I never understood mental world and BPD, but now everything is much clearer to me...

      Thank you.

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      This is a very informative lens. Loved reading it. In my clinical practice I have seen that behaviors and mental conditions are affected in a very positive manner with homoeopathic medicines having marked action on a patients psychology. Patients under homoeopathic treatment report significant improvement in their mental states and quality of sleep.

    • SheGetsCreative profile image

      Angela F 6 years ago from Seattle, WA

      Your lens is brave and inspiring. The world is truly a better place with you in it ;)

    • Othercatt profile image
      Author

      Othercatt 6 years ago

      @Everyday-Miracles: I'm glad that my lens helped you and I'm even happier to know that you were misdiagnosed. I wouldn't wish this on anyone! Thanks for sharing Rebecca.

    • Everyday-Miracles profile image

      Everyday-Miracles 6 years ago

      I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in 2005. It seems that the diagnosis came as part of what at the time seemed like a rush for any therapist to diagnose me with something, as long as that something was convenient. I've since seen two other therapists who are convinced that I'm as normal as they come -- in spite of my crippling anxiety and panic disorder.

      I wouldn't say that I'm symptomatic of Borderline Personality Disorder.... Most of the time. Only one of the seven therapists I've seen has diagnosed me this way, and I'm one of those crazy people who wants something more concrete than a list of symptoms to apply to something. Once upon a time, I had more symptoms than I do now. Either I got better (without medication or therapy) or I never had the disorder.

      These are tough things to talk about. After I was diagnosed, I was torn between talking a lot and not talking at all. People asked questions I didn't want to answer. And many of them I couldn't answer because I couldn't relate to the questions being asked by people who had been diagnosed with Borderline more appropriately than I had been.

      Interestingly, a friend of mine recently had a diagnosis "swapped" from Bi-Polar Disorder to Borderline Personality Disorder. I thought it very odd at the time, since she had very few symptoms of Bi-Polar disorder as I know it, and Borderline just seemed to come out of left field. Given the isolation that borderline patients feel, I guess that it frustrates me when therapists take a shot in the dark.

      I respect you for telling your story, Cat. It makes the disorder a lot easier for me to understand, and makes me even more relieved to realize that my own diagnosis couldn't have been correct. I can't imagine living every day with Borderline, on top of my anxiety issues. No way.

    • Spook LM profile image

      Spook LM 6 years ago

      I'm truly sorry it has taken me so much time to find this great lens and no I'm not judging you either. Actually I admire your courage for telling this and wish you all the best. Somehow I also tend to see things in black and white but that's another story. Delightful lens on a very interesting topic.

    • MarianaFargasch profile image

      MarianaFargasch 6 years ago

      great lens othercat! I scored a 26... but that doesn't surprise me! I feel you girl, I really do!

    • carlajo73 profile image

      carlajo73 6 years ago

      You have done an awesome job on this lens and deserve every single award that you have earned on it!! Congrats to you and best of luck. It's great to see that you are doing much better! I have read several of your lenses, including your lensography and I am a true fan! I think you are great!! Keep up the good work!!! :)

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      Thank you so much for writing this, you've done what I haven't been able to (I am intensely self-critical to the point where even writing this has taken several attempts)... I suffer from BPD and although I'm definitely in recovery I suffer immensely from stress related paranoia - I'm so glad I found this as am currently suffering from severe paranoid thoughts and needed some reassurance that it's not just me who feels like this!

    • profile image

      resabi 6 years ago

      Wow. This is an intense and fascinating lens. I really admire your strength in dealing with this and your courage to write so honestly. Thank you. And I'm glad you're doing so much better now. That's a blessing. I add mine.

    • NoYouAreNot profile image

      NoYouAreNot 6 years ago

      @Othercatt: :-D

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      Thank you so much for sharing this!

      My Mother-in-law has been diagnosed with BPD but she refuses to accept the diagnosis.

      I am torn between being frustrated by her treatment of my husband and feeling sympathetic towards her.

      I really appreciated your insights.

    • Othercatt profile image
      Author

      Othercatt 6 years ago

      @NoYouAreNot: Actually, it because in my old neighborhood there was another woman named Cat. So she was Cat and I was the other Cat.

    • NoYouAreNot profile image

      NoYouAreNot 6 years ago

      I guess then, your Squidoo name (Other-Cat) is inspired by you being a BPD, is that right?

    • thelordsbeauty profile image

      thelordsbeauty 6 years ago

      Good article, although you need to put a "trigger warning" at the top.

      From one Borderline to another.

    • auntjennie profile image

      Jen 6 years ago from Canada

      I did not know that much about Boderline Personality Disorder before. I'm glad the DBT workbook is helping. I applaude you honesty about your disorder. I admire that quality in other people, as I tend to like to keep things locked inside. Learning to deal with a disorder (I have a different one) can be extremely challenging at times. For me like everything it is a work in pogress.

    • tiff0315 profile image

      tiff0315 6 years ago

      I really enjoyed your lens. I applaude your confidence in being able to open up and say these things out loud.

    • TheresaMarkham profile image

      TheresaMarkham 6 years ago

      Wow! You wrote a really impressive lens here! Thanks for all of your heartfelt sharing :)

    • profile image

      larry61 6 years ago

      I am bipolar and at least understand what it is like to not be understood...better put my mood disorder not being understood by people. You have done a great job of helping me to understand BPD. My wife has worked in a homeless shelter and now in a woman's and children shelter and has talked about this diagnosis that some residents have. It was never understood by me and just sounded like a "catch all" for people that weren't acting in a sociably acceptable way and whose problems couldn't be properly diagnosed. Now I understand the diagnosis. Thank you.

    • gypsyman27 lm profile image

      gypsyman27 lm 6 years ago

      I admire your candor here and I wish you well. Sharing your problem could help someone who is fighting to live with the same problem. I hope that one day you find yourself free of this disorder and happy. See you around the galaxy...

    • dwnovacek profile image

      dwnovacek 6 years ago

      Thank you for sharing yourself with us. I just know that someone who has similar issues will see this lens and realize that there is hope for them. I am Bipolar and have dealt with some of the same issues, but have the advantage of being able to use medication to help me. Yet another Angel Blessing for you!

    • Akitajitsu profile image

      Jen 6 years ago from California

      Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you continue on your path of healing.

    • hayleylou lm profile image

      hayleylou lm 6 years ago

      This lens will be featured in the upcoming lens, My time as a Squid Angel :)

    • LisaAuch1 profile image

      Lisa Auch 6 years ago from Scotland

      Thankyou for sharing your story Cathrine ~blessed by a passing angel~

    • hayleylou lm profile image

      hayleylou lm 6 years ago

      I now have wings and just had to come back and Bless this excellent lens :)

    • hayleylou lm profile image

      hayleylou lm 6 years ago

      Blessed by a Squidoo Angel :)

    • magicgeniewishl profile image

      magicgeniewishl 6 years ago

      Wow, what a fantastic lens! Thankyou so much for sharing this with us, it must have been so hard for you to open up like that. Well done, I wish you all the best! Liked and Favorited!

    • KokoTravel profile image

      KokoTravel 6 years ago

      Wonderful story of how you are working through your issues... you are strong and determined and you have a very good man at your side to see you through it.

      Congratulations on a great lens.

    • mysticmama lm profile image

      Bambi Watson 6 years ago

      Thank you for sharing your story ~ everytime we share our stories it helps us heal while helping others to not feel quite so alone ~ Blessed >*

    • darciefrench lm profile image

      darciefrench lm 6 years ago

      @Othercatt: I get the same power from you- maybe just hit publish first. No timing in the nonlinear. Perhaps that which you feel as gratitude for 'my' courage is what courage feels like -:)

    • Othercatt profile image
      Author

      Othercatt 6 years ago

      @darciefrench lm: Darcie, I really have to thank you. It's the courage you show through the lenses you create that gives me the courage to tell my own story.

    • Virginia Allain profile image

      Virginia Allain 6 years ago from Central Florida

      Very informative. I really had little concept of this disorder.

    • darciefrench lm profile image

      darciefrench lm 6 years ago

      Sweet, there's the purple star. Cat, thank-you for putting color into my life, and allowing me to do so for you.

    • darciefrench lm profile image

      darciefrench lm 6 years ago

      Came back looking for the purple star awarded to this lens. Squidoo must be busy doing the Giant apps. Thanks for your great comments on radical squids- sounds like you nailed the difference between perception and reality. Truth is absolute and subjective reality is what sees things 'differently'. (Thus different perceptions). 'Mental illness' is interpreted by the individual, society, dr's, family etc via very different and (usually) conflicting perceptions.

    • sukkran trichy profile image

      sukkran trichy 6 years ago from Trichy/Tamil Nadu

      very important subject and an informative lens.

    • PNWtravels profile image

      Vicki Green 6 years ago from Wandering the Pacific Northwest USA

      The information in this lens about your personal experiences are invaluable both to people dealing with their own borderline personality disorder symptoms and to those who want to have a better understanding of someone they care about who lives with the disorder. Blessed by a SquidAngel.

    • darciefrench lm profile image

      darciefrench lm 6 years ago

      How about some... Purple?

    • lasertek lm profile image

      lasertek lm 6 years ago

      This is the first time I have read about BPD. I do have heard of it but I didn't know much about it until now.

    • puzzlerpaige profile image

      puzzlerpaige 6 years ago

      Thanks for making this easier to understand with all the examples. I had a friend who "cut" herself in high school. I never could understand it. She explained it kind of like you did. I hadn't heard the term "BPD" until now and I'm glad my first learning about it was easy to understand, genuine and up-front.

    • darciefrench lm profile image

      darciefrench lm 6 years ago

      I'm really glad you're here writing. I can relate. One can transcend the external behaviors that come up with suicidal ideation- thoughts can be controlled, surrendered. But it takes a strong heart to walk through the feelings of it. I know that when something really big comes to the surface for me, I feel like I want to die, not to be all gory and dead-like but just to escape the sensation of the energy coming up. Sometimes that energy is incredibly frightening. If it's not released, it eats away inside. Releasing has its consequences socially. Perhaps a lot of this is about how to release this compressed energy 'safely' in terms of relationships. It's impossible to put a label to the experience, but verbalization is so innate to being human that it's hard not to express the energy as it releases that way. More often than not, I can't even remember what I've said- but I end up spending a lot of time trying to figure out how it was interpreted by my loved ones, and whether the words have done damage. You've done amazing work- please keep writing! -:)

    • MargoPArrowsmith profile image

      MargoPArrowsmith 6 years ago

      Good lens. Glad you mentioned that it has to be persistent, because we all get that way sometime and teenagers are pretty much that way too. That's why its so hard to diagnose with them.

    • clouda9 lm profile image

      clouda9 lm 6 years ago

      I heard about your lens over at Squidoo Lens Reviews and wanted to read your story. Wow, what a story from the heart...you are helping so many people by giving a look into your life of BPD. Thank you, keep strong!

    • CrossCreations profile image

      Carolan Ross 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      This is one of the most sincere and genuine lenses I've ever read, truly! Admitting the problem and asking for help is half the battle won, and you've clearly done both. Bless you for your courage. I used to be married to a very narcissistic man and read tons of books trying to understand him. I mention this because many of the books also mentioned BPD as being related. Never completely clear on the entire confusing disorder, mosty I'm glad he is out of my life for he was/is mean and utterly selfish, abusive in very sneaky ways (and I do feel that the foundation of his behaviors has to do with fears he won't face). I have my own challenges with depression, but like you am on the journey of recovery. Keep getting better and stronger every day, and again...BLESS you for having the courage to tell this story.

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      Too many things in this lens were familiar. I don't want to say any more, except thank you for explaining this. As for judging....every single one of us has a cross to bear....some on the inside, some on the outside.

    • profile image

      GrowWear 6 years ago

      My heart goes out to you for your suffering. ...It's really hard to understand mental illnesses, but we certainly shouldn't judge people by them.

    • dustytoes profile image

      dustytoes 6 years ago

      Thanks for sharing your story which must have been very difficult. Glad you are gaining some color in your world. I am going to pray for you!

    • profile image

      grannysage 6 years ago

      As a former social worker, I've had clients with BPD. They were always the hardest to undertand and to work with. Usually because they couldn't recognize their symptoms for what they are. You have done a wonderful job of looking into yourself, finding the patterns, and finding a way to ease the trauma. No one should judge someone with a mental disorder, although many people do. It is a chemical imbalance and people can't just will it away. I've had my own mental issues to deal with from severe PMS where I was abusive to my kids, to depression and chronic anxiety. Thank you for your bravery to explain this disorder so clearly.

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      You have explained this disorder so well...in a way that others can really understand because it is honest and from your heart. You said in the beginning to please not judge you and I won't in a bad way. My judgment is that you are a remarkable lady, brave, and full of goodness. It took real courage to dig deep into the muck and write about what it feels like to have BPD and by writing this you will help more people than you probably will ever know. Bless you!

    • Heather426 profile image

      Heather Burns 6 years ago from Wexford, Ireland

      Wow, very well written and explained. I hope you continue to feel better and better. Please remember you are a gifted writer and let that permeate anytime you feel downhearted:) Also, the Herbalist in me wants you to investigate taking maximum doses of Vitamin D3 and spending more time in the sun for a healthy way to raise seratonin levels which are out of whack in BPD. Merry Christmas!

    • KathyMcGraw2 profile image

      Kathy McGraw 6 years ago from California

      Hi there, I read this and immediately thought of a good friend of mine and our very turbulent friendship. I haven't spoken to them in years, but can still remember the angry and paranoid times of our relationship. You have done an excellent job of writing this and hopefully it will help other people recognize the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. I am proud to say Your article was chosen to be reviewed/highlighted on http://blog.growwear.com/bpd-symptoms-what-are-the... . You may pick up your badge anytime (in the toolbar) to display on this great article :)

    • AWildDog profile image

      AWildDog 6 years ago

      This is an awesome lens! Many mental disorders are so misunderstood and put across and so unhuman, you did a great job of humanising this for people.

      I can say that even though I've read about BPD before, I've not read about it quite like this.

      Well done in getting to where you are and indeed hitting that publish button, I know all too well it's not easy to do either of those things. I suffer for some of these or similar symptoms myself although I don't know if it would be considered BPD. I do know that I suffer from depression, I have trust issues and I've also had anxiety and panic attacks, cutting, suicide attempts and OCD, among other things - all stemming from my childhood. And although I didn't read a book, I too discovered that understanding these illnesses, my reactions, etc was the key to me getting better and not doing them anymore.

      Excellent lens. Don't you ever deny to yourself how far you have come.

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      Thank you for writing this. The only information I had about BPD was very superficial, I now see...

      It is a great help to read the symptoms from the perspective of experience.

      Wishing you well,

      a

    • EpicFarms profile image

      EpicFarms 6 years ago

      This a wonderfully informative lens on BPD; I salute you for having the courage it took to click on the publish button (infintely harder than the writing part :o) 5* and a big YAY you for your milestones girl - keep 'em coming!

    • profile image

      kimmanleyort 6 years ago

      Very well explained. You know yourself very well and no, I don't judge you. At least you try to help yourself. I'm glad you are doing better.

    • hotbrain profile image

      hotbrain 6 years ago from Tacoma, WA

      Now this lens was very helpful! I've now increased my understanding of Borderline Personality Disorder by about 300%! But now I've got to wind down and try to get to bed.... By the way, I lensrolled this page on some of my Bipolar Disorder pages. Yes, it was that good! :) There are definitely some symptoms that overlap.

    • ElizabethSheppard profile image

      Elizabeth Sheppard 6 years ago from Bowling Green, Kentucky

      I'm so glad that you are feeling better. You did this, and read the book, and are taking responsibility. And sharing this! Good for you. I really did learn a lot by reading this.

    • Othercatt profile image
      Author

      Othercatt 6 years ago

      @Lisa-Marie-Mary: It's my understanding that Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder are alike in many ways. That's probably why you can relate so well.

    • Lisa-Marie-Mary profile image

      Lisa-Marie-Mary 6 years ago

      Another great lens by you - good job!! I find it very, very interesting how much I can relate to you and your symptoms. Really got me thinking!

    • eccles1 profile image

      eccles1 6 years ago

      Good for you !! nice lens

    • JenOfChicago LM profile image

      JenOfChicago LM 6 years ago

      Great lens, you really explained what it is like for you - thanks for sharing your story. Glad to hear you are doing well now.

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