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Daffy Diseases

Updated on January 13, 2013


"The Dictionary of Daffy Diseases" is a lighthearted lens devoted to all manner of intriguing indispositions, mirthful maladies, and side-splitting sicknesses for which there may be no known cure.

If truth be told, there are plenty of petty poxes published here to cause bedlam among the bedpans, not to mention hilarity in any hospital.

When all is said and done, and you've tossed your cockamammie cure-alls or your cookies (whichever comes first), try laughter really is the best medicine! Of course, if you're in any doubt that "Life is a fatal complaint, and an eminently contagious one" Oliver Wendell Holmes just for fun.


Illustration Credit: HRH Quipping Queen

Frankly, there's more to life than Swine Flu!

Miss Pigwiggly's doctor prescribed "oinkment" to cope with her horrible hangover following the Happy Hogmanay Swine Tasting event.


Image Credit: Bill

CUPIDITIS: A debilitating disease afflicting those who suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune every February 14.

CUPIDITIS: A debilitating disease afflicting those who suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune every February 14.
CUPIDITIS: A debilitating disease afflicting those who suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune every February 14.

Are you a dabbler in diseases?

Cyberchondriac (n.) One who's certain he's/she's got every disease he's/she's ever read about on the internet and then some!



"Loquacity, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk."


-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" --


How would you describe your outlook on life?

See results

And, now wise words from our Maven of Mirthful Medicine.

And, now wise words from our Maven of Mirthful Medicine.
And, now wise words from our Maven of Mirthful Medicine.


As William Osler once said: "To talk of diseases is a sort of Arabian Nights entertainment."

So without further ado, you're all invited to participate in the Altered Ailments Challenge, inspired by the weekly wordplay column appearing in Canada's newspaper, "The Globe & Mail".

Participants in the challenge must either add one letter to, or change one letter in, a disease or condition and then define the result.

The most entertaining entries will appear in the Dictionary of Daffy Diseases featured in this lens, and in it's sister site, Droll Dictionaries.


Source: William Osler 1949-1919: Oliver Sacks the Man Who Mistook his Wife for a Hat (1875).

Note: Entries reprinted from "The Globe & Mail" contest organized by Warren C. Clements (October 27, 2007) and are credited below in parentheses.

Image Credit: Illustration by Elizabeth O. Dulemba -


As Plato once said, "they certainly give very strange names to diseases".

And whether theses names are for real or just fictional, they may just tickle your funny bone!

Algoraphobia: fear of long-winded speeches expounding on the dire consequences of global warming. (Credit: Ken Harker, Bowmanville, Ontario)

Amengitis: obsession with having the last word. (Credit: K.C. Angus, Kemptville, Ontario)

Arthuritis: the delusion that one is a knight of the Round Table. (Credit: R.M. Baxter, Burlington, Ontario)

Big-Polar disorder: fear of large white bears. (Credit: Susan Cochrane, Toronto, Ontario)

Billious: misgivings about a husband's potential involvement in a possible Hillary presidency. (Credit: Ken Purvis, Toronto, Ontario)

Blabesiosis: a highly contagious infection spread by motor-mouths.

Burmitis: painful condition due to inflammation of the junta. (Credit: Paul Masson, Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario)

Candidoasis: a communicable disease common among frisky hot tub enthusiasts.

Carnal Tunnel Syndrome: quick whoopie at the carnival midway. (Credit: Mareen Walker, Georgetown, Ontario)

Chat-Scratch Fever: known to cause obsessive compulsive pillow-talking.

Chicken Pux: fear of sitting too close to the ice at a hockey game. (Credit: Bill Kummer, Newmarket, Ontario)

Chillbrains: the ice-cream headache. (Credit: Cockeye MacDonald, Midland, Ontario)

Damnesia: the only signs are a flushed face induced by the inability to recall offensive things one is known to have said. (Credit: Jay Shuck, Minneapolis, Minnesota)


Image Credit: gydnew -


Fearache: a pain caused by reading too many aritcles about climate change. (Credit: Juliet Simon, Victoria)

Fibulax: a little white lie that is known to stretch the truth beyond all credulity causing extreme irritation when caught with one's pants down, as in the case of certain high-profile TV evangelists and politicians.

Gastrohenteritis: usually the consequence of consuming a willy whistle at a bachelorette party.

Germane Measles: They're relevant to something, but doctors don't know what. (Credit: Glen Acorn, Edmonton, Alberta)

Gluecoma: what makes your eyelids stick together in the morning. (Credit: Greg Rosseau, Windsor, Ontario)

High brood pressure: one parent is eager for more children; the other isn't. (Credit: Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, British Columbia)

Homestickness: an early symptom of agoraphobia. (Credit: Carolyn Tytler, St. Catherines, Ontario)

Hypnochondria: You are feeling sick. You are feeling ve-e-ery, ve-e-ery sick. (See insert illustration. Writing Credit: Cockeye MacDonald, Midland, Ontario)


Image Credit:



Image Credit: Bill


Igoraphobia: crippling fear of assistants to mad scientists. (Credit: Alan Dextrase, Peterborough, Ontario)

Irritable Vowel Syndrome: You say tomayto and I say tomahto, and I'm right, dammit! (Credit: Nancy Senior, Saskatoon)

Jockjaw: inability to stop talking about hockey results.

Larryngitis: occurs when U.S. senators overexplain their airport washroom habits. (Credit: Martin Cristopher, Springside, Saskatchewan)

Lookworm: a parasitic pest over the age of 50 whose eyes are bigger than his head.

Lunchhausen's Syndrome: causes one to upchuck a midday meal in order to avoid having to pay for it.



Image Credit: Bill


Mad Sow Disease: a piggish personality disorder marked by unrealistic expectations of instant stardom, ability to throw frogs through the air with the greatest of ease, or else smothing them with unwanted kisses.

Mal de Mir: a queasy feeling in the stomach after having lived for almost a decade on an old Russian spacecraft without a burger and a real bath.

Mi-polar disorder: intense desire to drive one's flag into the Arctic Ocean floor. (Credit: Rick Farquhar, Kincardine, Ontario)

Mood Poisoning: caused by serotonin-depleting toxins released during front-page newspaper perusal.

Osteopornosis: a degenerate disease. (Credit: Eric Mendelsohn, Toronto)

Panthrax: commonly known as "dishpan hands".

Pepsic ulcer: stressing over what the bartender really put in your rum and Coke. (Credit: Barrie Collins, Long Sault, Ontario)

Pi-Polar: going around in circles. (Credit: Joan Buckingham, Oshawa, Ontario)

Prignancy: bloating, nausea, and general discomfort brought on by spending nine months with a self-righteous person. (Paul Grudzien, Orillia, Ontario)

Punk-eye: detached retina resulting from too much time in the mosh pit. (Credit: Syd Lapan and Karen Roe, Comox, British Columbia)



Image Credit: Bill


Rebella: disease prevalent in adolescents. (Credit: Hana and Annegret Wiemer, Halifax, Nova Scotia)

Shamburger Disease: causes uncontrollable and excessive flatulation when subjects consume too many patties made from vegetables, nuts, dairy, mushrooms, and textured vegetable protein.

Sherpes: a rash incurred when having sex on high mountains. (Credit: Stewart Fisher, Campbellville, Ontario)

Sinfluenza: can be controlled by issuing papal prescriptions.

Spox: a rare deformity of the ears, thought by some researchers to have alien origins. (Credit: Nigel Brachi, Edmonton)

Tackycardia: giving inappropriate cards for all occasions. (Credit: Carl Karstadt, Toronto, Ontario)

The Common Could: maybe you'll catch it, maybe you won't. (Credit Cameron Tiesma, Ottawa)

Tinsillitis: severe allergic reaction to Christmas commercial excess. (Credit: Patricia Edgar, North Vancouver, British Columbia)

Toonsillitis: synonymous with those who are sick to death of Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck and Roadrunner.



Image Credit: Bill

Every Happy Holiday Deserves a Merry Malady!


Image Credit: Bill


Doctor Who: The Completely Unofficial Encyclopedia
Doctor Who: The Completely Unofficial Encyclopedia

Ripsnorting reading material for the throne room.



CLAUStrophobia: sheer panic associated with the fear of being eaten alive by a man in a white beard wearing a red suit and a pair of big black hobnailed boots running around yelling "Ho Ho Ho" at the top of his lungs not to mention demanding that people inform him whether they've been naughty or nice for the past year. Note: May also be precipitated by the sight of 4,000 Santas galavanting down the streets of London in the name of charity.

Tinselitis a seasonal disease prevalent among toddlers and house pets who consume one too many Christmas tree decorations for their own good.

Keith Hopcroft, (a general practitioner from Britain), also reports the following common Christmas ailments:

Insistent Vegetable State: The mindset of one's mother-in-law, who is deterimined to force those dreaded Brussels sprouts down one's throat.

Premistletoe Tension: The anxiety one feels when one is obliged to walk under the mistletoe close by someone one is either desperate to kiss or desperate not to.

Post-Traumatic Post Disorder: The last postal delivery before Christmas brings a card from a long-lost friend, and the realization, to one's horror, that one hasn't reciprocated.

Repetitive Straying Injury: Trauma suffered by males who repeatedly leave their partner's side and position themselves under the misletoe. The end result is a pain in the groin caused by the knee of one's affronted partner.


Whiplush: injury to the neck from falling off a bar stool. (Credit: Paul Davy, Parry Sound, Ontario)

Winkeye a treatable optical aberration commonly observed in singles bars. (Credit: John Bristow, London, Ontario)

Winsanity: a belief that one can live on the avails of gambling. (Credit: Michael Nozick, Winnipeg, Manitoba)

Yaundice: fatigue arising from a lack of interest. (Credit: Kirk Zurell, Waterloo, Ontario)



Image Credit: Bill


When John complained about bucked shins, saddle sores, and wind puffs he had no idea he would end up in a horspital.


Image Credit:


Ways people can tell that this physician just isn't the right one for them, besides the "Dipploma" written in pig Latin hanging on the wall in the waiting room) that leaves one a tad nervous.

-- "His surgical gloves resemble those worn by a hockey goalie and his stethoscope is attached to a puck or an iPod." (The Quipping Queen & Empress of Eccentricity)

-- "Even the hypochondriacs won't go to him." (Marilyn Penner, Winnipeg, Manitoba)

-- "You peek into his autoclave, and discover he's using it to steam broccoli." (Charles Crockford, Waterloo, Ontario)

-- "The sign on the reception desk lists the day's choicaes for feature-length movies playing in waiting rooms 5, 6, and 7." (Michael Nozick, Winnipeg, Manitoba)

-- "He/she orders you to 'sit!', gives you a treat, and explains that a wet nose means you're healthy." (Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, British Columbia)

-- "Diagnoses include coin-flipping." (Paul Davy, Parry Sound, Ontario)


What is the most common symptom of Chat-Scratch Fever?

See results


Funny pharmaceuticals have their place in the world of Daffy Diseases befalling divas as you'll see from the latest list of cockammie cure-alls.


Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to heck in a handbasket for up to 8 full hours.


Suppository that eliminates melancholy and moodiness by reminding you of how awful you were as a teenager and the reason why you can't wait until your own kids move out.


Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.


Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.


If taken in combination with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.


Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.


Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person."


Injectable stimulant that if taken prior to shopping, increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.


Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or how to lift the toilet seat.


A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.


When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nattering or nagging him would, without opening your mouth.


Look buster, let's get one thing straight ... I'm here to save your sorry butt not kiss it!


A little known international organization called The Society for the Elimination of Politically-Incorrect Sicknesses In Society (SEPSIS), whose membership consist of rigorous, self-righteous, and right-minded researchers, has been lobbying in vain governments and professional bodies to abolish all misleading medical terms that are cause for confusion among consumers of health care the world over.

These politically-correct pundits have singled out the most obscene, obtrusive, and pointedly obnoxious names given to existing diseases and disorders that are in need of immediate attention. They recommend either expunging the malicious-sounding maladies forever and ever from official medical dictionaries, or failing that, devoting the time, money, and resources necessary to codify and redefine these wayward if not wicked words once and for all.

The following represent a selective sample of glaringly naughty or noxious nosology known in the medical field:

BOOP - infers that this disease strikes only females with botox lips, big breast implants, and infinitessimal brains.

Bunyips - a patently potent reference to posterior pleasuring if ever there was one!

Cherry Red Spot Myoclonus Syndrome - a sexually-charged phrase suggesting that this disorder likely befalls men who are highly adept at using persuasive language to seduce women.

Coxsackie Virus - implies incorrectly that it is an intensely intimate infection common only to bed bugs.

Creeping Eruption - clearly a pejorative post-menopausal reference to a "vintage vixen volcano" (better known in fractured fairytales as the "Wicked Wench of the West").

Dandy-Walker Malformation - another attempt to single out well-dressed ladies from Shady Lane or redlight districts for stigmatization in society.

Flushing - undoubtedly a word that in some individuals may invoke violent toilet-training trauma and therefore should be avoided at all cost.

Happy Puppet Syndrome - a questionable if not confusing term suggesting that this malady can be traced to the fact that "it's not his nose that grows." (From "The Erotic Adventures of Pinocchio".)

Kinky Hair Syndrome - a pejorative term referring to people who don't know how to use curling irons properly or chronologically-gifted females with blue hair.

Lazy Eye - definitely a blatant example of inappropriate lookist dating behavior, and a particularly insidious form of lookist discrimation!

Maple Syrup Urine Disease - frankly this has all the earmarks of a corporate plot to put the International House of Pancackes (IHOP) out of business not to mention malign the traditional annual springtime sugaring-off rituals performed by small Quebec farmers.

Pelvic Horn Syndrome - a not too subtle expression used to justify neo-primitive "wild man weekend gatherings" with chaotic consequences including everything from ritual drumming, chanting, and screaming to brazen beer guzzling.

Phantom Limb - this is the stuff of nightmares; clearly any reference to ghouls, ghosts, and ghastly geeks let alone their body parts should be limited, better yet, this term should be banned in order to keep the peace and ensure harmony in society, (given the fact that children are already deeply traumatized by the annual Halloween horrors).

SEPSIS also takes issue with the following deleterious diversity-challenged diseases and politically-incorrect poxes such as "African Sleeping Sickness", "Yellow Fever" and "German Measles". The Society also advocates on behalf of sport-minded souls who suffer from "Jock Itch" and "Swimmer's Itch" if not one too many "fractured funnybones"!

REMEMBER: Chastity is curable if detected early.


Selling sickness is big business around the world, especially if you're into dispensing disease-of-the-week solutions.

An alphabet soup of medical mirth awaits all those who pick up a copy of Alan Cassel's recent gem, "The ABCs of Disease Mongering: An Epidemic in 16 Letters".

What's not there to like about a book with oodles of funny pen-and-ink drawings portraying agitated looking characters knotted up by diseases, they may, or may not, have?

Who wouldn't enjoy a piece of outrageous puckery told in children's verse that illustrates why, for example, the annual flu vaccine campaign has gathered a momentum that for exceeds what scientific literature on its effectiveness would support?

"What to do? What to do?

Winter's here and so's the flu!

Everyone across the land,

just like our friend Ferdinand,

will roll up their sleeves and get in line

and pay for shots to keep them fine.

Nobody wants the chills and aches,

or the dreaded bird flu, so do what it takes.

The flu-mongers say, 'It'll be a bad year,

get your shot in the arm, so you won't have to fear.'

Of course, there's small proof the shot does the trick.

Despite all the hassle, you could still get sick."

-from the The ABCs of Disease Mongering

Do they really have drugs for premature ejaculation (letter W for "Wee Willy"), for facial wrinkles (letter V) or yellow toenails (letter Y)?

Besides, who can resist the lure of a good sales pitch? But all those germs, they're enough to make one anxious, (thankfully relief is just a pill away):

"Xena's taking Xanax, to help with her anxiety-

it comes up lots in company, and often in society.

But as much as she would like to feel that certain sweet relief,

the more she takes the more she finds, it gives her way more grief.

See, all those drugs like Xena's pill-benzos, they are called-

can slowly lose their magic, until they're all but stalled.

But Xena keeps on taking them, because, as we predicted,

she and all her aging friends seem totally addicted."

-from The ABCs of Disease Mongering

Let's face it, perusing the pages of this book is a good deal more fun the flipping through that mirthless monograph entitled, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders's.

So, lighten up, flex your funnybone or two, because have we got an obscure disease for you ...for which our pharmaceuticals can treat if not cure you too...(unless of course, you're one of those cyberchondriacs who thinks he has every internet illness in the book)!

Doctor Who - TV Show Poster (Keep Calm I'm The Doctor) (Size: 24" x 36") (By POSTER STOP ONLINE)
Doctor Who - TV Show Poster (Keep Calm I'm The Doctor) (Size: 24" x 36") (By POSTER STOP ONLINE)

Of course I'm calm, cool, and's you that's got the problem!

Doctor Who Doctor Who 11th Sonic Screwdriver
Doctor Who Doctor Who 11th Sonic Screwdriver

Every doctor knows that a screwdriver will fix just about anything.

Accoutrements Bacon Strips Bandages
Accoutrements Bacon Strips Bandages

Just put a strip of bacon on the scratch and everything will be fine!

BigMouth Inc The Prescription Coffee Mug, Ceramic, Funny Gift for the Caffeine Lover
BigMouth Inc The Prescription Coffee Mug, Ceramic, Funny Gift for the Caffeine Lover

For those who love to sip on something before they pop their pills.


My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excuse


Douglas Adams, (1952-2001), an English writer and dramatist


Medical mirth is alive and well especially when it comes entertaining euphemisms for "healers":

baby-hatcher, bone-bender, bone-carpenter, bug doctor, clyster-pipe, flesh tailor, head-peeper, head-shrinker, Dr. Feelgood, King's proctor, Knight of the Pisspot, medicine bottle, medicine man, needleman, pill-pedlar, pill-pusher, pintle-tagger, right croaker, shrink, sawbones, water scriger, wig picker


No...but I'm feeling "toadily" awful.

Quantum Leaprosy: a disease that befalls those who take an exceedingly long jump to conclusions before looking at the consequences of living with their head in the clouds most of the time; an agonizing ailment for which there is no known cure.

Note: Secondary complications of this chronic illness include a strong desire to levitate over life's little problems, wearing lime green tights 24/7, and a compelling need to play leap-frog every four years on February 29th.


Image Credit: Bill Mayer at

How to Play Hooky

Remember to choose your sick days and excuses carefully!

Daffy Doctors for Daffy Diseases - Jest for the Pun Of It!

Dermatologist: A doctor who makes rash statements.

Ophthalmologist: A wonderful guy; a sight for sore eyes. Drinks too much and often makes a spectacle of himself.

Orthopedist: A specialist who gets all the breaks.

Osteopath: He is very proud of his profession and makes no bones about it. A very generous guy, always twisting your arm or pulling your leg.

Pediatrician: A doctor with little patients.

Psychiatrist: A mind sweeper. A freudy cat.

Radiologist: Very, very friendly guy. Loves everyone. Sometimes difficult to understand what he sees in people.


Image Credit: doctor cartoon -

Content Credit: Art Moger, "The Complete Pun Book"

DON'T LET THE BUGS BITE! (Image Credit: Bill Mayer

DON'T LET THE BUGS BITE! (Image Credit: Bill Mayer
DON'T LET THE BUGS BITE! (Image Credit: Bill Mayer

Lesser-Known Phobias of Writers (Courtesy of Eve Corbel, Geist Magazine)

Lesser-Known Phobias of Writers (Courtesy of Eve Corbel, Geist Magazine)
Lesser-Known Phobias of Writers (Courtesy of Eve Corbel, Geist Magazine)



For those who can't get enought bedpans and boots!

Carry on Doctor
Carry on Doctor

A classic cult movie from across the pond!

National Lampoon Presents ROBODOC
National Lampoon Presents ROBODOC

Toss your pills and grab a pack of pretzels for this mirthful medical movie!

You're a Medical What!?: A Lighthearted Peek into the World of a Medical Transcriptionist
You're a Medical What!?: A Lighthearted Peek into the World of a Medical Transcriptionist

A humorous and practical look at a career as a medical transcriptionist.


"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."

-- Orson Welles --

By the way, when your body is doing flips and flops, and your doctor hasn't a clue what to do ... it's always helpful to remember what Voltaire said, "The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease."

DAFFY DISEASE DICTIONARY CONTRIBUTIONS INVITED - Feel free to leave your own delightful definitions of mirthful maladies, the more the merrier!

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    • profile image


      8 years ago

      Algoraphobia: Fear of Al Gore catching you in a crowd and planting a big sloppy

      Tipper type kiss.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      Really hilarious, I had a great time reading all these phony diseases, I remembered my aunt Enith when I read about the "Fearache" she was always scared about globla warming.

      Alex Mustang

      Winnipeg Rentals

    • Stazjia profile image

      Carol Fisher 

      8 years ago from Warminster, Wiltshire, UK

      Hilarious, thanks for making me laugh. Blessed by an Angel.

    • indigoj profile image

      Indigo Janson 

      8 years ago from UK

      Thanks for curing my Mood Poisoning today -- this lens is a lot of fun!

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      Three of my faves in one lens: medicine, humor, and wordplay. How could I resist leaving a blessing? :-) Featured in my Winging It lens.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      You are a hilarious person and deserve to strive in squidoo humor. Good job! I laughed and laughed and laughed some more

    • Amy Fricano profile image

      Amy Fricano 

      8 years ago from WNY

      Good to Laugh! Great lens idea as most sooooo serious.

    • lolicious profile image


      8 years ago

      lol, this is the reason why I love squidoodogw

    • Airinka profile image


      8 years ago

      Very fun!

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      Hilarious. Cyberchondriac reminds me of the time my husband (who is a hyper and cyberchondriac) was reading a medical book and got all upset because he had all the symptoms of this terrible disease. I read it and informed him that if he indeed had that disease he was worse off than he thought because he was apparently now also female! Is there a condition called ho-medi-cidal urges? The sudden overpowering desire to kill those types of hypochondriacs? Just wondering.

    • oneskms profile image


      9 years ago

      I now know the wife has a disease and not just an annoying habit - lol

      Chat-Scratch Fever: known to cause obsessive compulsive pillow-talking

    • CatharinaE LM profile image

      CatharinaE LM 

      9 years ago

      ST. MOMMA'S WORT - Hilarious! Excellent lens, 5*

    • profile image


      10 years ago

      I recently had, according to my husband, "Corporate" tunnel surgery. I'm not sure if there if there was any meaning why he called it that or not. I'll ask him some day when I finally stop laughing over all the really funny things on your lens, which is great BTW.


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