Funny Fitness

Actually, if truth be told, it's just a rather fine excuse to exercise your mirth muscles, primp your pecks, or just laugh at those lusty love handles.

Warning: Fitness freaks may die laughing.

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Illustration Credit: Christoph Nieman, "A Golfer's Guide to the Treadmill" (December 2008) - www.golfdigest.com

If truth be told, beardless dragons don't do work outs. They get all the exercise they need by twitching their tails, ballooning in the bathtub, gaping with their mouths open or engaging in their favorite pastime glass dancing in front of a mirror when they're not chewing on crickets, fruitflies, and half-baked ideas.

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Image Credit: Mattias Adolfsson - degeleparaplu.com/monsters-mattiasadolfson

"Frankly, whoever said kicking up your heels doesn't count as a real workout hasn't seen my dashing derriere!"

Actually, if truth be told, he's really hot-footing off the tennis court having lost 40 love to his better half, Mrs. Claus!

Besides, when she's in the zone and found her groove, she knows it's time for her to have a smashing good time!

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Image Credit: Ron Leishman - toonclips.com/7522

So, that brings up the next obvious question, how does one keep one's body, mind, and spirit happy without exerting too effort let alone any shedding too much in the way of messy things like blood, sweat, or tears? By the way, who was the blessed soul who removed my low-carb, low-calorie bottle of bubbly?

Well, here are some certifiably silly suggestions from our very own "Goddess of Get-In-Shape With Giggles"!

1. Go fly a kite; it's sure to burn off a few calories and give you some peace of mind, (alternatively, you can also tell your bothersome boss, pestering partner, or churlish child to go fly one while you blow off steam at the spa).

2. Watch grass grow or talk to plants, (this is your contribution to greening the planet without increasing your carbon footprint and, who knows it may burn off a few calories depending how vigorously you engage in these sedentary stratagems).

3. Let your fingers do the walking for you, (this low impact form of aerobics is best performed using the 1,500 white and yellow pages of your local telephone directory, besides it tones your index finger for those occasions when asking pointed questions is imperative to keeping your sanity).

4. Let your inner child out to play; that means giving your sassy sphincter a five-minute flutterblast and flatu-fitness workout everyday, (whoever said passing wind does not release excess energy in the form of -- freeps, flams, fundusbreaks, calicoes, blue angels, mommadaddies, mud-ducks, NADs, SADsparadiddles, ruffs, skillsaws, or sliders -- needs to take lighten up and enjoy another helping of baked beans and bacon or, at the very least some merry-making musical fruit).

5. Give your laugh muscles a workout by watching your friends run around in circles and your foes slip on bannana peels, (or if you prefer watch a funny movie, attend a yuk yuk performance because researchers at Vanderbilt University found that laughing for 10-15 minutes a day can burn as many calories as are in a medium-sized chocolate bar. And, be sure to have that chocolate bar handy just in case you haven't used up your 50 calories a day that can be burned by laughing, which amounts to 4.4 pounds a year).

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. -- Robert Hutchins

Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

Exercise? I get in on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics. -- Red Skelton

The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down." -- Rita Rudner

I am pushing sixty. That is enough exercise for me. -- Mark Twain

Aerobics: a series of strenuous exercises which help convert fats, sugars, and starches into aches, pains, and cramps. -- Anonymous

Exercise is bunk. If you are healthy, you don't need it, and if you are sick, you shouldn't do it. -- Henry Ford

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit. -- Phyllis Diller

You've reached middle-age when all you exercise is caution. Anonymous

"I believe that every human has a finite number of heart-beats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."

-- Buzz Aldrin

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Image Credit: Posted 2009/08/14 in ericamulherin.com/NTS_trampoline1

1. Hang a sign on your favorite piece of forgotten fitness equipment that says, "Welcome to the Muscles You'll Never Use Museum".

2. Use those dreadful dumbells as a damn fine door-jammer.

3. Any piece of equipment that comes with bars, hooks or pins works rather well as a meat tenderizer...oh, and be sure that the animal has expired before trying to mash it to a pulp.

4. Instead of the naughty stool for folks who misbehave, banish them to the basement for a 15-minute treadmill timeout...next time they'll think twice about behaving like a bull in a china shop when you're around!

5. Forget about spending money on a fancy schmancy electronic alarm system, just use your hunk of heavy forgotten fitness equipment as a burglar deterrent behind your front door.

6. Decorate it for special occasions and holidays like Christmas, Easter, and Halloweeen...you're friends, family and foes will think you're crazy but if they don't like it they can haul it away and find a better use for it!

7. Turn on your piece of equipment, place a meal on it, watch it bounce around...and if anyone asks, tell them you're just burning off the calories and carbohydrates before you eat it.

8. Place it on the back or front lawn and dress it up as your version of the "Abominable Person of Snow".

9. It's the perfect gift for neigh-sayers who can use it as a convenient clothes horse...particularly if it has four legs, weighs a ton, and has only six more easy monthly payments of $49.95 plus $24.95 shipping and handling charges.

10. You can use your obsolete yoga mat or useless ab roller as a toboggan during the winter months, on the other hand, you can play any time of year in the bathtub with that ridiculous little rubber duck or that bozo bobblehead you bought at a flea market.

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Image Credit: Illustrator, Susan Mrosek@ponderingpool.com

"I am not anti-gun. I'm pro-knife. Consider the merits of the knife. In the first place, you have to catch up with someone in order to stab him. A general substitution of knives for guns would promote physical fitness. We'd turn into a whole nation of great runners. Plus, knives don't ricochet. And people are seldom killed whle cleaning their knives." (Molly Ivins, humor columnist)

Besides, if you need any more logical arguments as to why to engage in physical fitness, jogging is for those who aren't smart enough to watch TV!

Or, why not take Joan Rivers' advice: "The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."

On the other hand, you could chuck the thought of jogging and follow Even Esar's wise words of wisdom: "Walking isn't a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage."

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Image Credit: Thies Schwarz, www.tease-me.blogspot.com

"Look Dude, whad'ya mean "Finger Fitness" ain't a kindergarten credit course yet?

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Image Credit: bcanada92@flickr.com

Day 1

Beat around the bush several times

Jump to conclusions all the time

Climb the walls

Wade through the daily paper from start to finish

Day 2

Drag my high heels constantly

Push my luck all the time

Make mountains out of mole hills

Hit the nail on the head regularly

Day 3

Skate around the issues for awhile

Bend over backwards

Jump onto the latest bandwagon

Pat myself on the back just for the fun of it

Day 4

Run around in circles all day long

Blow my own horn constantly

Pull out all the stops for just a minute

Add oodles of fuel to the fire

Day 5

Open a can of worms or Pandora's box just to see what's inside

Put my foot in my mouth regularly

Start the ball rolling often

Go fly a kite in the morning and go over the edge at night

Day 6

Pick up the pieces (before Humpty Dumpty screws it up with 'crazy glue')

Raise the roof as much as I want

Lift a pint when the spirit moves me

Skip the laundry, or for that matter the washing up

Day 7

Give myself a great big hug

Blow someone a kiss

Smile for no reason

Cuddle anyone who needs it

What an amazing workout!

Then I discovered a short cut ... dancing in my lovely longjohns!

The Carpet Knight preferred tooting his own horn than exercising his stud muffin muscles.

If I stitch fast enough, does it count as my aerobic exercise for the day?

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Image Credit: www.agoodyarn.net