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How To Be A Witch

Updated on January 3, 2013

Welcome to How To Be A Witch -- Wicked or Otherwise!

If kissing frogs hasn't done much for your love life lately, it's a sure bet that you've been playing "Goody-Two-Shoes" far too long. So, take those ticklish tarot cards to heart honey, it's time to make a cackling career change!

This light-hearted lens is devoted to providing tendentious tips on how to become a consummate crone, a happy hag, or simply a wickedly wacky witch.

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Image Credit: Mishee1's photostream on flickr.com

No Virginia, it's not an ad for posh pearly white veneers or a Wicked Witch Whooppee cushion! - It's the Wicked Witch of the West Wing making Halloween house ca

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Image Credit: Illustration of Hilary Clinton - izismile.com - 20100715 - amazing_humorous_illustrations_640_39

Fickle Finger of Fate...I believe you called?

Fickle Finger of Fate...I believe you called?
Fickle Finger of Fate...I believe you called?

WICKED WITCH WISDOM:

If a man is standing in the

middle of the forest speaking

and there is no woman around

to hear him ... he still wrong!

WITCHES MAKE WICKED WINES & SPIRITS!

HOW TO BE A WITCH - Part 1

Congratulations on your decision to become a member of the "Fickle Finger of Fate Fairies" (better known as "Wickedly Outrageous Witches" or W.O.W for short!)

Those most likely to succeed in this devilish diva endeavor are sexy shapeshifters, testy telemarketers, and voodoo vixens, (although those who own porcupines, skunks or black widow spiders are excellent crone candidates).

The first order of business is to come up with a nifty name. It should be one that's full of pith and vinegar (or brash and brazen might do in a pinch). Miscellaneous monikers of mirth and mayhem may include: Queen of Screams, Countess of Comical Conniption Fits, Princess Pandemonium, Duchess Do-It-My-Way, Baroness of Blight & Bloom, or Mistress of Mercy-Is-Not-An-Option.

Next thing is to come up with a twisted tagline like "Born to bring bedlam to the world!", "I'm Brunhilda Bat-Outta-Hell and don't you forget it!" or "Witch Wagon - Tailgaters Will Be Toad!"

You'll also need a misbegotten mascot such as a black-eyed cat, a giggling gargoyle, a stuffed owl, or perhaps a demented jack-in-the-box.

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Image Credit: thumbnail illustration of wicked witch - Kim2137@flickr.com

(Illustration by Susan Mrosek)

(Illustration by Susan Mrosek)
(Illustration by Susan Mrosek)

HOW TO BE A WITCH - PART 2

Those who enter the "Crazy Crone Zone" must also demonstrate their ability to cackle on cue. Any sexy, self-respecting supervillain cannot not succeed without a rich repertoire of laugh-tracks suitable for every occasion.

So, relax, take a deep breath, and laugh like a crazy hyena, a Tasmanian devil, or better yet utter a bloodcurdling banshee scream if you prefer ... whatever turns your crank!

Pucker up ladies, let's here it! Time to get in touch with your Inner Bitch!!

-- Ha Ha Ha (Forget the Ho Ho Ho...that's the sybaritic fellow in the red suit)

-- He-he-he-he (No hee-haw!...that's a demented donkey, and we don't even want to go there!)

-- Muahahahaha (Lordy be that's a long one!)

-- Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! (Super, you're getting the hang of it!)

-- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA (You can never have too much of that one!)

Please refer to vintage vixen voice mail message below for a ripsnorting rendition of a suitable squawking sounds for home or office use.

Remember "Eek" is not part of a vixen's vocabulary -- you must instill a sense of "shock and awe" in the minds of the baffled, bothered and bewildered.

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Image Credit: riclov's photostream on flickr.com

WITCHES RIDE BROOMS BECAUSE NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM! (Image Credit: GillianMacleod@flickr.com)

WITCHES RIDE BROOMS BECAUSE NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM! (Image Credit: GillianMacleod@flickr.com)
WITCHES RIDE BROOMS BECAUSE NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM! (Image Credit: GillianMacleod@flickr.com)

HOW TO BE A WITCH - PART 3

As every vintage vixen, wicked witch and butt-kicking business babe knows, you need some glad rags to pull off this show. So, listen up!

You'll need a skimpy black cape, a pointy-black hat with a sparkly diamond or two on top, plus a pair of six-inch steel-toed stilettoes and a brand-name broomstick if you're going to play the part of drop-dead gorgeous diva, a sinister saucy sorceress, or a titillating temptress troll.

Note: Toss your terrible togs, you know...the blue granny dress, the striped stockings, and the pointed purple booties not to mention that soul-sucking black cat, they do nothing for your puckish personality!

Frankly, your ensnaring ensemble must always complement your plunging neckline, your razor sharp wit, and your mischievous mind. So, spice up your life with a cat suit, a studded bikini, elbow-length black leather gloves, or a skin-tight, stain-resistant dominatrix outfit! And, don't forget that little accoutrement, you know, that wicked whip to torture any twit who doesn't know that "Chicks Rule"!

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Image Credit: sandra d's photostream on Flickr.com

Must be able to ride a broom and light candles with her fingertips.

Must be able to ride a broom and light candles with her fingertips.
Must be able to ride a broom and light candles with her fingertips.

HOW TO BE A WITCH - PART 4

What's a powerful practitioner of puck supposed to do without a few potions and powders to make her day?

No, Martha Stewart won't be able to help you out when it comes to finding the right ingredients for your sizzling snack or supper!

You'll probably find the answer by consulting a few hook books available from the Hogwarts School of Witchraft & Wizardry. Failing that, perhaps you can find a recipe in the "Joy of Curious Cooking" by Beatrice Boil-And-Trouble.

As Beatrice points out any sauce, soup, or stew made by a pesky pagan should contain the following:

Main ingredient for basic broth: 15 gallons of Buzzard Breath Ale, courtesy of Big Rock Brewery.

Secondary ingredients should be brought to the boil and stirred vigorously:

"Eye of newt, and toe of frog,

Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,

Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting,

Lizard's leg, and howlet's wing". -- Courtesy of William Shakespeare

Lest anyone be in doubt, the homes of happy hags are also a wealth of witchy well-being products.

-- Petrified Butterflies (what provides the "kick" in this lusty little love potion.)

-- Snake Oil (comes in hand for treating cuts and burns associated with unidentified flying objects such as knives and frying pans.)

-- Scrumptious Earthworms (an amusing appetizer designed to arouse any goblins in the tastebuds.)

-- Twisted Twigs (an affordable additive together with miscellaneous ticks and bugs used in Sinful Satan Soups designed to quell even the most inappropriately-behaved imp, bad-natured boss, or sobriety-deprived service person.)

-- Fur of Werewolf (non-human animal fibers worn on a cold day as an alternative to ear-muffs designed to ward off morally-different, melanin-impoverished, people of snow.)

-- Vampire Fangs (a daring set of dentures used most commonly by complexion correction crones and health alteration hags in therapeutic misadventures of high proportions.)

And, finally, the only words you'll ever need to remember when wishing upon a star, singing over a soup, or invoking a visit from the Queen of Mean is "Abracadabra you better deliver or I'll toadily trounce you to a pulp!"

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Image Credit: riclov's photostream on flickr.com

Casting Spells Is Fun and Games!

Every wicked witch knows that one of her greatest assets is her talent for casting spells upon all sorts of frazzled folks and furry fiends.

The party game of curses
The party game of curses

In a world full of dragons, apples full of worms, and wicked step mothers, this is a wonderful way of evening the score and watching for some pretty funny results!

 

A happy hag after a few short snorts of Buzzard Breath Ale!

A happy hag after a few short snorts of Buzzard Breath Ale!
A happy hag after a few short snorts of Buzzard Breath Ale!

HOW TO BE A WITCH - PART 5

Now, the last step in your transformation into a formidable Fickle Finger of Fate Fairy is what to put in your preternatural purse of tricks and treats (to impress the Great Pumpkin or Father Christmas, a pair of pompous patriarchs if ever there were).

A Little Black Book (What would a wicked wench be without the names and addresses of all those dirty devils you've ever had the pleasure of knowing, plus a long list of their short-comings which you intend to hand over to the media when it suits you.)

Wacky Weather Machine (this handy compact, portable device has lots of levers, switches, pistons and lightening rods useful when you want it to rain cats and dogs on someone else's parade...oh what fun!)

Ripsnorting Relics (a rather fine assortment of diabolical devices including an Aluminum-Foil Crown of the Doomed, a Paper-Towel-Roll Evil Scepter, and a Matchstick Amulet of the Damned, plus a cursed set of Monkeys' Paws which should be used with care when bathing vigorously in a certified bog, swamp or quagmire, or taking on a foe in a mud-wrestling tournament.)

And as for those treats...well honeybun, we'll leave you to decide what will make your heart go pitter-patter! (Hint, you might want to try dancing naked in the moonlight or at the very least yodelling at midnight while you mull things over.)

Womens STD (up to sz 9)- Funky Witch Shoe Covers
Womens STD (up to sz 9)- Funky Witch Shoe Covers

Every witch knows she needs a great pair of pumps to poke some fun on Halloween!

 
Rubies Costume Company 36" Witch Accessory Straw Broom (Discontinued by manufacturer)
Rubies Costume Company 36" Witch Accessory Straw Broom (Discontinued by manufacturer)

Every witch needs a reliable means of transport on Halloween!

 

(Illustration by Susan Mrosek)

(Illustration by Susan Mrosek)
(Illustration by Susan Mrosek)

Every witch should own a geeky gadget called a GPS... - To avoid trees, utility poles, church steeples and other horrible hazards.

Constantly looking over here shoulder, Zeldalina was more concerned about where she'd been than where she actually was at the moment. A tad hazardous while flitting around on a broom, wouldn't you say?

So our lesson for the day is what?

Live in the moment, or end up as a Halloween decoration, wrapped around your neighbor's tree.

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Illustration and words by Linda Silvestri at http://sketchedout.wordpress.com/page/4/

Q: How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?

A: With scare spray silly!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

There are witches in my mailbox.

What am I to do?

I found them there this morning,

doing things they shouldn't do!!

How the witches got there,

I havent' got a clue.

But they won't be there much longer,

'Cause I'm sending them to YOU!!!

Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house... - Not a creature was stirring 'cause the Wicked Witch of the West had just devoured Santa Claus!

Image Credit: Elaine Richardson, illustrator

WE WITCH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS!

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Image Credit: Illustration from "The Witch's Christmas" by Norman Bridwell (1970) posted in vintagechildrensbooksmykidloves.com witch3

Christmas Cackling 101

It was the Nightmare before Christmas when all through the house, a creature was stirring, could it be that damned mouse?

No silly, it's just another terrific excuse for you to don your black cape, rent this merry-minded movie, and practice your Christmas Cackling so you can rid the house of bothersome pets and people!

WANNA MAKE SOME "GRAPE LEMONACHES" AND "PICKLED PEANUT BUTTER BURGERS"? (Image Credit: squeezymoose@flickr.com)

WANNA MAKE SOME "GRAPE LEMONACHES" AND "PICKLED PEANUT BUTTER BURGERS"? (Image Credit: squeezymoose@flickr.com)
WANNA MAKE SOME "GRAPE LEMONACHES" AND "PICKLED PEANUT BUTTER BURGERS"? (Image Credit: squeezymoose@flickr.com)

FROM THE BELIEVE IT OR NOT BOX - Jest for the Pun of It!

A sassy sorceress is a witch doctor who conducts hex-education classes!

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Image Credit: tan'@flickr.com

A WORKING GIRL'S GUIDE TO BECOMING A WICKED WITCH

How To Be A Wicked Witch: Good Spells, Charms, Potions and Notions for Bad Days
How To Be A Wicked Witch: Good Spells, Charms, Potions and Notions for Bad Days

Never leave home without this wonderfully wicked manual for mirth and mayhem.

 
Utterly Wicked: Curses, Hexes & Other Unsavory Notions
Utterly Wicked: Curses, Hexes & Other Unsavory Notions

Happiness-challenged hags may find the recipe for Hot Foot Powder most helpful to ward off power-hungry patriarchs.

 

FEEDBACK FROM FRUMPY FOLK - If you feel so inclined, do leave your helpful hints on how to become a horrid hag.

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    • BelindaBlevins profile image

      BelindaBlevins 6 years ago

      Thanks for the laugh

    • GhostWalker LM profile image

      GhostWalker LM 8 years ago

      very entertaining..rated it a 5

    • tandemonimom lm profile image

      tandemonimom lm 8 years ago

      I'm pretty sure my kids think I don't need any lessons, LOL. Thanks for the laughs! 5*

    • aka-rms profile image

      Robin S 8 years ago from USA

      greetings from gothic temptations

    • Casey van B profile image

      Casey van B 8 years ago

      Superb! Wicked welcome to Warrior Women.

      To your success *cackles gleefully*

      Caseyfern - Countess of Counterclockwise Cacophony